word count: 3212 

summary: jongdae remembers a lot of things.

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As he stood there, he thought of the countless things he wasn't able to say before, things that he would never be able to say.

It was a crowded room, but it felt empty.

Everything felt so unreal and artificial, and he felt like he was the only person truly breathing at that moment, but even then, he had problems trying to catch his breath. His lungs, too, seemed to have given up on him.

In that suffocating moment, his mind wandered several years back, twenty three years back to be more precise, when he first met Minseok. He was thirteen, a freshman in middle school and Minseok was fifteen, a senior.

It wasn't coincidence that they met.

No, it wasn't that romantic. They met through friends. They didn't immediately click, but they had learned to warm up to each other.

He remembered the first words Minseok had said to him;

"Your smile's very bright. It’s cute." 

To his young self, those words did a lot for his self-esteem.

He remembered smiling even wider and he remembered Minseok's eyes go soft at the sight of his smile, pinching his cheeks playfully, calling him cute again.

He never got to say his thank you, for making him smile more than he ever did. For encouraging him when so many had said his smile wasn't pretty and he should keep it to himself.

He never got to say thank you for picking up his self-esteem and planting it in the ground, for watering it till it grew tall and confident.

He remembered several months later, at the end of that school year, when Minseok graduated. He had clapped, but he had frowned. He didn't want his favourite hyung to leave.

He remembered after the convocation ceremony, Minseok had come down in his robes, blinding smile on his face as he walked towards him. He remembered Minseok talking about how he couldn't wait to see him in high school, where they would have not one, but two years to spend together.

He remembered Minseok putting his seeds of hope and expectations in him and he rose up to them. Minseok's words became a mantra that kept him on the right track the following two years. Minseok's words had motivated him to do better and he got results he would never expect to get had Minseok not given him that drive.

He never got to say thank you to Minseok for believing he could do it even when his teachers had given up on him. He never got to say thank you for those late nights where Minseok came over to tutor him, even though his high school life was very packed and busy.

He never gotten to say thank you for being his driving force to getting into the top school that would set his future in stone.

Fast forward a year and he was freshman in high school and Minseok was a junior.

He remembered when the rumour of him being gay got out. He remembered the looks he'd gotten and the words that were lashed out to him. His best friends, Baekhyun and Chanyeol, were in the close boys school several blocks down. They were gay and proud and he remembered when they would wait for him outside of his school gates every day, just so no one would dare to bother him.

His life in school was hell and he remembered every taunt and insult thrown his way. He remembered hiding in the toilet stall when things got too difficult. He remembered Minseok coming into the toilet and talking to him. He remembered Minseok convincing him to open the door and giving him a peck on the cheek and a hug.

He never got to say thank you for accepting him for who he was. He never got to say thank you for not abandoning him when so many others did. He didn't get to say thank you for not only accepting who he was, but also for helping him accept himself.

He remembered in his senior year of high school, when his boyfriend of two years broke up with him, for another guy no less. To top it all off, Joonmyeon had left him for Yixing, who was their close friend since middle school.

He remembered the hurt he felt and how it seemed like his world was crashing. He remembered not going to school for a week and not answering his phone for more. He remembered Minseok returning from his college abroad that weekend to see him in a state of self-destruction.

He didn't ask questions when he saw the mess his room was in. He didnt ask any questions when he saw the dark circles under his eyes.

The words of comfort was something he could never forget. Those words of comfort made it possible for him to get through the last months of high school, made it bearable for him to pass by Joonmyeon and Yixing with a careless smile on his face and a laugh on the tip of his tongue.

He remembered his determination to study harder, just to get away from the two of them. He remembered Minseok calling him once in a while to tell him to study hard. He didn't get the chance to tell him how much those words affected him at the time and how much those words took part in shaping his future.

He got an offer to study at Beijing and he went.

He remembered looking at Minseok's proud face as he stood at the airport's arrival lounge. They weren't going to the same college but it was close so Minseok had offered him to be his roommate, seeing as his previous one had graduated and left.

He remembered the days that passed, how they had seen each other at their worst.

Law was horrible. It was stressful and Minseok, who studied bioscience medicine, could relate. The stress of school was unbearable but Minseok had made it slightly better.

Coffee was always the answer for him and warm hugs was always there if life became too much for him. He never got to say thank you for keeping him sane and steady in the busiest and most stressful time of his life.

He never got to say thank you for picking up his pieces at two in the morning and putting him back together just in time for school.

He remembered that Minseok didn't return to Korea when he finished studying. He stayed in china and waited until he was done studying.

He remembered being confused yet infinitely happy. Happy that he wouldn't be alone in this foreign land and that his closest friend wouldn't leave him. He remembered watching Minseok wander around for jobs, just to pay the rent now that his scholarship had finished.

He remembered Minseok's whines as he complained that the people at his workplace would purposely speak fast mandarin so he wouldn't understand, but he didn't mind. He knew that Minseok loved his job as one an intern at the bioscience research centre.

He remembered Minseok coming home with exhaustion evident in his eyes yet he would smile and pat his cheeks, grinning happily as he asked how his day was.

He never had the chance to say thank you for not leaving him when he needed a friend the most. He never had the chance to say thank you for being the pillar that kept him tall and steady and held his hands when he sent in his final thesis.

He never got to say thank you for all the support he had given him.

He remembered when they went back to Korea for Chanyeol and Baekhyun's wedding.

It was a small ceremony and only about twenty people were invited. Ten of their closest friends and the rest were family. For the first time in five years, he came face to face with his school friends.

He had frequently seen Chanyeol and Baekhyun, whom are both in the music industry as a composer and producer respectively and had travelled to China a lot to do business, but he hadn't seen the others over the years.

Kyungsoo and Jongin were engaged and were working as cook and dancer respectively. Yifan and Tao were still in a relationship, after what seems like a decade. Luhan and Sehun are still doing their dance, breaking up and getting back together.

And Joonmyeon and Yixing were married, had adopted a child and were very happy.

He remembered smiling when he talked to them and congratulating them. He knew they were married, he even gotten an invitation but didn't attend. He remembered that though he wasn't hurt anymore, there was a bitter aftertaste. 

He remembered Minseok holding his hand tight, thumbing the back of his hand as he talked to them. He never got to say thank you for always holding his hand during the tough times.

He remembered returning to Korea together and they moved into Minseok's apartment together.

He remembered not liking the trail of boyfriends Minseok had. He remembered Minseok never telling him to leave and always prioritizing him instead of his various love flings.

He remembered that one time when he came home, stressed from a case that he was working on and he walked into the house late at night. He remembered hearing moans from the living room and didn't even bother opening the lights, but he knew his presence had disrupted the mood and he remembered feeling satisfied when Minseok's heated moans went silent and there was a sudden shuffling and he remembered Minseok throwing his date out and rushing to his room to ask him what’s wrong.

He remembered that night, smelling the scent of the other man on Minseok and not liking it. He remembered telling Minseok this and Minseok telling him to change it if he didn't like it.

He remembered his first time holding Minseok. He remembered waking up to Minseok's sleeping face and he remembered that he never felt more at peace than at that moment.

He never got a chance to say thank you for always putting him first. He never got a chance to say thank you for never forgetting him no matter how many people passed through his life.

Flash forward a few years and he was never at home.

He was in the prime years of his life and work had made him too busy to see Minseok regularly. It was upsetting to him but he had responsibilities and so did Minseok.

They were both busy and the apartment was almost always empty.

He remembered one day, he finished an important case and he was allowed to go home and rest for the next week. He remembered walking into the apartment, expecting to see the usual emptiness but instead, he was met with the sight of Minseok in the kitchen, preparing food.

He remembered always coming home to cold food in the microwave and a packet of instant coffee in his favourite mug next to the machine. He remembered always wondering if Minseok had just tossed the food there for him or did he carefully prepare it, especially for him.

He remembered smiling for the first time in weeks and he remembered the fluttering feeling he felt inside him when Minseok looked up, his face showing his obvious surprise at his arrival but quickly turned into a blinding smile. He remembered spending that night curled up with each other on the couch, watching their old collection of cheesy movies and laughing heartily every time Minseok made a lame joke about the scenes.

He remembered Minseok giving him that strange stare every time he laughed and he remembered feeling confused.

He remembered their late night coffee talk on the balcony, asking about how their lives were holding up. He remembered seeing Minseok's cheery mask crack slightly as he talked about his tiring lab life, about his failed experiments but he also remembered seeing Minseok beaming that night as he talked about several breakthroughs he made and it was more than clear that Minseok loved his job very much.

He never got the chance to say thank you for always making time for him, no matter how hectic his own life was.

He remembered when Minseok was thirty one and his family had deemed him suitable to get married.

He remembered walking into the apartment they shared and seeing Minseok's mother sitting on their sofa and Minseok was kneeling on the floor in front of her, looking teary eyed as he begged her of something.

He remembered feeling numb as he heard words like marriage and I don't love her and I don't want this come out of Minseok's mouth. He remembered bowing politely to Minseok's mother whom he was well acquainted to.

He remembered her standing up and refusing to look at her son, striding to the door and out of their apartment after exchanging a nod with him. He remembered picking Minseok off the floor and comforted him for the hours to come.

He remembered Minseok crying his heart out against his chest. He remembered his heart breaking slightly at the sight of Minseok's bloodshot eyes and red nose and he remembered hugging him closer and he remembered whispering comforting words into his ear.

He remembered Minseok looking at him with pleading eyes that night when he tucked him in and was getting ready to leave his room. He remembered hearing Minseok's steady heartbeat that night as he slept in the same bed, unconsciously spooning the older man against him. He remembered feeling content and yet painfully guilty.

He remembered clearly that his feelings changed after that night or maybe it didn't. But he remembered that night, he finally accepted the strange, foreign feelings he felt for Minseok and he remembered accepting the hurt he would feel because of his feelings.

He remembered his heart tearing slightly when Minseok's mother returned the next day with a pretty young woman who looked to be in her mid-twenties. He remembered feeling slightly angry as he watched from the side lines the girl unabashedly flirting with Minseok and Minseok politely entertaining her.

He remembered this being a daily thing, even without Minseok's mother around.

He remembered sitting in the kitchen beside the living room going through law books and case papers as he listened to her insistent whines, badgering him to marry her. He remembered that after she left, Minseok would always come to him for comfort, be it in the shape of a cup of coffee or a long hug.

He remembered making it a habit of sleeping in Minseok's bed after the first couple of 'dates'.

He remembered, vividly, coming home late one day.

He had a big client that needed his undivided attention and so he was forced to stay behind at the office. He remembered returning home to a dark house. The woman's shoes weren't there. He remembered walking through the dark corridors, wanting to check on Minseok before turning in for the night. He remembered looking at his from the door, hearing his shallow breaths for several seconds before realizing he was sobbing.

He remembered rushing in, desperate to inspect the source of the sobs. He remembered the shock he felt when Minseok threw his hands off of him. He remembered Minseok yelling for him to get out.

He remembered the look of self-hate Minseok had in his eyes.

He remembered standing his ground that night. He remembered every word that came out of Minseok's mouth, of how the woman had forced herself on him and how he felt dirty. He remembered Minseok telling him not to get closer for the very reason.

He remembered smelling the strong perfume scent on the bed covers and on Minseok's body. He remembered telling him that he'll get rid of her traces. He remembered taking off his suit and loosening his tie and he remembered the sudden change in Minseok's eyes and he remembered making love that night.

He remembered it all too vividly.

He remembered, with glee, a week later, Minseok told his mother about his refusal to get married. He remembered Minseok getting slapped by both his mother and the woman. He never had the chance to say thank you for picking him over the woman.

He never had the chance to say thank you for picking him over everyone else.

Years passed by again and they grew older.

He remembered taking several days off to spend with Minseok every few months. He remembered making memories in places they would never had guessed the would.

He remembered the happiest moments in their lives.

But even then, he remembered that things would never stay the same.

He remembered when Minseok was thirty six, he collapsed for the first time.

He remembered worrying over the older man for hours outside of the ICU. He remembered hearing the words come out of the doctor's mouth but not being able to process anything.

He remembered nodding to whatever procedure the doctor suggested and he remembered the painful waiting. He remembered processing the doctor's words hours after it’s been said.

It was about a chemical infection that Minseok had somehow caught, making it difficult for him to breathe.

He remembered entering Minseok's private ward to see him smiling brightly. His usual blinding smile making him breathless as usual. He remembered sitting by the bed, talking to Minseok about what happened and how it happened.

He remembered Minseok smiling and saying he had no regrets and he loved his job. He remembered Minseok telling him about his newest experiment and how it would improve mankind had it succeed.

He had remembered Minseok chuckling, wondering aloud whether it was a fail or not.

He remembered Minseok telling him to not worry. He remembered feeling so many emotions that he thought he might burst.

He remembered feeling one particular emotion quite strongly; love.

He remembered feeling a rush of love towards Minseok and Minseok must have sensed that. He remembered one night at the hospital, Minseok had told him to not say anything. That he knew how he felt. He knew that he loved him, even before he himself admitted it.

He remembered Minseok telling him to never say those out loud, fearing that his wall would crumble and Minseok would revert back into a scared little boy. He remembered that even though he wasn't to confess his feelings out loud, Minseok had no such qualms.

He remembered his heart beating faster every time Minseok said those words. He never got to say thank you for always putting up a strong front.

He never got to say thank you for always smiling even when things were difficult.

He never got the chance to say thank you for loving him as much as he did.

A hand on his shoulder shook him out of his reverie. He looked around and saw Baekhyun smiling sadly as he held his arms out to hug him. Chanyeol towered above both of them and he too offered him an apologetic smile.

"We're sorry, Jongdae," Baekhyun whispered as his best friend sobbed into his shoulder, feeling his whole body tremble. "We miss him too."

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a/n: in which jongdae stood in minseok’s funeral service, reminiscing their past and thinks of the words he never got to say

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this is what you get when suddenly have an idea at four a.m. and insist on finishing it in one day before you lose interest. 

(24/12/2016) - edited