Baekhyun prided himself with being observant. It wasn’t difficult for him to read others. Body language and the looks in others’ eyes always gave away their unspoken feelings. Baekhyun could understand so much from just a simple gaze. When Baekhyun was involved, there were no secrets.

Now one can imagine his surprise when he hears Chanyeol say, “I was sleeping with Sehun...for a while. It was almost three years.”

Baekhyun wants to laugh. There’s no way he could have missed something like that, especially because it went on for so long. He wants to think that it was just a joke, an attempt on Chanyeol’s part to lighten the mood. But that joke in particular didn’t seem quite that funny in the moment, even more so because it involved Sehun.

No twitching of the lips or eyes. No nervous hand movements. No change in the tone of voice.  Chanyeol’s face was calm, wide eyes unblinking and sincere. He was telling the truth.

Baekhyun just didn’t understand how he could miss something as big as this.

“Like..friends with benefits?” Baekhyun asked, wondering if it was just , or if Chanyeol and Sehun actually had something more than that.

“Yes. Friends with benefits.”

Friends with benefits. Chanyeol and...Sehun.

When he thinks about it, Chanyeol was probably always an exception to Baekhyun’s reading abilities. The vocalist wasn’t even aware that the other had feelings for him. Heck, he didn’t know that Chanyeol was bi. Baekhyun was completely oblivious to these pivotal details.

The vocalist is upset. However, he doesn’t know if this feeling is because of the new knowledge of Chanyeol and Sehun’s relationship, or the fact that he’d been unaware of it for almost three years. He knew that the two began to get close after Luhan left EXO, but not that close.

Baekhyun wasn’t against No Strings Attached relationships. However, he never  would have pegged Chanyeol as the type to be involved in one. Baekhyun had always seen him as the long-term, romantic relationship kind of guy.

“Sehun was in love with Luhan hyung.” Chanyeol says

Baekhyun is relieved to hear that. He’d known about Sehun’s crush on Luhan.The other members saw Sehun’s feelings as ones of admiration. This was the common thought amongst other members of their agency and groups from other agencies. But Baekhyun knew all too well. Sehun was a lovesick puppy. He was almost too obvious. He even managed to fuel the fans’ burning passion for their shipping of HunHan.

A bit of Baekhyun’s faith in his reading abilities is restored. And then, things start to fall into place.  While he was dating Taeyeon, Baekhyun barely spent time at the dorm. He was always with his ex-girlfriend. He wasn’t able to read Chanyeol and Sehun because he was never around them long enough. The vocalist was too occupied with his relationship to notice the two.

At first, it didn’t make sense to Baekhyun why Chanyeol and Sehun would sleep together. However after he thinks about it, he realizes that there is a very obvious commonality between the rapper and vocalist: one-sided feelings.

Despite how obvious Sehun was, Luhan seemed to be clueless about his feelings. The maknae was stuck pining after someone who would always see him as a younger brother. Luhan cared about Sehun, he cared for the other more than all of the other members combined. It just wasn’t the same as Sehun’s love.

Chanyeol had been in love with Baekhyun for years, but the mere thought of this hadn’t crossed Baekhyun’s mind once, not even before he dated Taeyeon. To Baekhyun, Chanyeol was his closest friend. Their relationship was purely platonic, save for the BaekYeol moments at concerts meant for the viewing pleasure of their fans. He loved Chanyeol, but he wasn’t in love.

Back then, if Baekhyun knew Chanyeol was bi, he would be more okay with it than knowing of his friend’s true feelings for him. Chanyeol liking guys might have made Baekhyun feel a bit awkward around him then, but he would get used to it, just like how he slowly accepted it after he found out. Being bi didn’t make Chanyeol a different person. In fact, it just made Chanyeol more, Chanyeol. The boy has so much love in his heart and it only makes sense for him to want to give that love to both men and women.

On the other hand, knowing of Chanyeol’s feelings before now probably would have destroyed their friendship. Of course they would keep up appearances for the fans, but Baekhyun could definitely see the old him avoiding all unnecessary contact with the other. He would never get over knowing that his best friend, another guy, had been in love with him for years. It would be easy to know that Chanyeol was bi and be clueless about the other’s feelings. Just because Chanyeol liked guys, it didn’t imply that Baekhyun was one of those guys. But knowing that Chanyeol was in love with him, knowing that he was the guy that Chanyeol wanted, that would have been too much for the old Baekhyun.

Chanyeol continues talking, “The night after Luhan left, Sehun and I went out for drinks.” He bites down on his bottom lip. “I only meant to have one, but we both lost count.”

“Yeol…” Baekhyun murmurs, he doesn’t know what to say.

“We went back to the dorm and no one was home. He asked me to help him forget. I...I will always remember what he looked like that night. Sehun...he was so broken…”

It begins to make sense. Chanyeol’s big heart had room for everyone. The boy always wanted to do whatever he could to make others happy, even if it meant stepping out of his comfort zone. But with Sehun, Chanyeol did more than take a step out of his comfort zone. But Baekhyun knew that the rapper wouldn’t just stand by and watch Sehun fall apart, especially when Sehun was asking for help. He was never one to say no.

“I couldn’t turn him away, Baek. I just couldn’t.”

Oh Chanyeol.

“He said he could help me forget too,” Chanyeol says. He looks at Baekhyun with sad eyes.”Loving you hurt so much because I thought I’d never have a chance. I wanted to stop hurting and Sehun...was the solution.”

Chanyeol and Sehun started sleeping together before Taeyeon and Baekhyun became an item. During that time, Baekhyun was still chasing after the girl. It would have been easier to notice Chanyeol and Sehun’s relationship before he became invested in Taeyeon, but he never did.

“I told myself that I’d sleep with him until he got over Luhan hyung. And during the first two years. I’m sure that he did. He was also a distraction from my feelings from you. And sleeping with him helped me, until it didn’t. You started dating Taeyeon and I lost it.”

Knowing Chanyeol, he might have felt like he was taking advantage of Sehun. Baekhyun wonders if Chanyeol thought Sehun felt like he owed Chanyeol something. After all, Chanyeol helped the maknae and maybe Sehun wanted to return the favor. From the way he looks right now, it doesn’t seem like the rapper ever felt good about the secret relationship. Or maybe he did at one point, but something must have gone wrong.

“It was so easy to give in. I knew it was wrong, I knew I should have stopped sooner, but I couldn’t.”

They decide to go back to the hospital bed. Laying on their sides, the boys face each other. Chanyeol isn’t finished talking, but Baekhyun knows that it’s hard for him to go on. He looks at the other in silence, eyes wandering over Chanyeol’s face. When they lock gazes, the rapper tries to give him a smile, but fails, lips quivering and brows furrowing together. He presses his lips together.

It bothers Chanyeol that Baekhyun isn’t saying anything. Is the vocalist disgusted with him? Is revealing all of this going to change Baekhyun’s feelings? They’ve only just told each other how they feel and this, exposing himself like this is such a big risk.

“Baek, please say something.”

“I have nothing against the relationship you had with him,” Baekhyun tells Chanyeol, voice slow and calm. “You had good intentions, but you’re human too. You have feelings too. Sometimes we need distractions from pain. Everyone copes in a different way and there isn’t a wrong way to cope.”

Baekhyun shifts closer to Chanyeol. The tips of their noses are touching. The vocalist can feel the rapper’s breath on his face.

“Hearing the truth makes me love you even more, Chanyeol.”

“Baek,” Chanyeol sighs. “I just…”

“You just what, Yeol? You didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t hurt him.”

“But I did,” the taller says, sitting up on the hospital bed. “We got too close. I think I gave him hope that we could have something more together. I was happy with what we had...But then he hurt you that one night. That will always be something that I cannot forgive. So I shut him out completely. “

As Chanyeol speaks, his voice cracks. His wide eyes beginning to well with tears. The boy clenches his hands into fists, nails digging into his palms.

“Sehun is weak. I was the only one who could keep him from stepping too to close the edge. But this time, I wasn’t there for him. He needed me. Sehun needed me and I wasn’t there. But do you know what’s worse than that Baekhyun? Do you know what makes me such a horrible person?”

“I hurt him so badly that he wanted to disappear.”

Luhan steps into the hallway to take a breather. If he stays in that room any longer he’s sure he’ll suffocate. He can’t bare to be around his former group members. They’re distressed and he presence only seems to agitate them more.

The boy leans against the closed door, crossing his arms over his chest. He breathes out a heavy sigh. It’s been too long since the last update on Sehun.

Sehun.

After he left EXO and went to China to pursue his solo career, they never spoke again. Luhan sent messages to the younger through SNS. He called Sehun’s number over and over again, but never made it past voice mail. Eventually, his messages stopped being delivered and his calls failed.

In a last ditch attempt to communicate with the other, Luhan spent days writing a letter filled with apologies, but never finished. Halfway through, he realized that there wasn’t a point anymore. He wasn’t even sure that Sehun would want to read a letter from him, let alone open it.

It was obvious that the other didn’t want to talk. The failed calls and undelivered messages made that fact crystal clear. There was no denying it, but Luhan spent weeks doing exactly so. He was holding on to the belief that time would heal the wounds he created. But with Sehun, time just wasn’t enough.

“Luhan-ssi?” A male nurse looks up from a clipboard and meets Luhan’s eyes.

The boy stands up straight and uncrosses his arms. He clears his throat. “Yes?”

“Oh Sehun is stable enough for visitors now. He’s in room 801. Would you like me to inform EXO, or do you want to-”

Luhan interrupts him. “I’ll tell them. Thank you very much.”

The nurse gives him a nod and heads back to the nurses’ station. Luhan watches until the man is out of view. He glances back at the door. The others have been waiting in the hospital for hours. He knows that he should tell him but...

I need to see him before they do.

Before he leaves for Sehun’s room, he knocks on the door. “I’m going for a walk. I’ll be back soon.”

Luhan walks to Sehun’s room, but with how fast his heart is thudding, it feels like he’s running. As he walks past other rooms, Luhan almost laughs to himself. Sehun won’t have any choice but to listen to him. He’s stuck in a hospital bed and physically incapable of leaving. He’ll finally be able to apologize.

Baekhyun returns to his room after arguing with the nurses for information about Sehun. He thinks that a visit to the maknae will help Chanyeol feel better.

“Sehun is in room 801,” Baekhyun says. “The nurses said we can go there as long as I push you in the wheelchair.”

Wordlessly, Chanyeol gets up from the hospital bed and sits down in the chair. He rests his injured hand on his lap. Baekhyun pushes him out of the room and down the hallway.

Sehun’s room is dark. The lights are off and the blinds are closed. Luhan shuts the door behind him quietly. For a moment, the light from the hallway fills the room and Luhan is afraid that the brightness will wake Sehun. However, after pulling a chair to the side of the other’s bed, he sees that the younger’s eyes are still closed.

Save for the beeping of Sehun’s heart monitor and the soft whirring of the heater, the room is fairly quiet. He can barely hear the younger breathing. Luhan scoots his chair closer to the bed, watching as Sehun’s chest rises and falls. He watches for a few more moments before his eyes wander lower. His gaze lands on Sehun’s bandaged wrists.

There’s a clenching feeling in Luhan’s chest. He holds on to one of the younger’s hands.

“Sehun-ah...it’s me, your Luhan hyung,” he whispers. “I know you probably hate me, but I’m here for you.”

He rubs his fingers against the other’s, frowning at how cold his skin is. The thought of getting into the bed beside the other briefly crosses his mind. However, too much movement might wake Sehun. And right now, it’s probably better that the other gets as much rest as possible.

There’s a folded blanket at the foot of the hospital bed. Luhan gets up to unfold it. He covers Sehun with the blanket, tucking him in the way a parent does for a child at bedtime.

Luhan sits back down in the chair. “There you go. You’ll be warmer now.”

He opens his mouth to speak more, but can’t find the strength to see anything. His heart feels battered and heavy. The mere sight of Sehun in the hospital bed is almost too much for Luhan. He can feel tears prickling behind his eyes. A sob escapes his lips. He looks at Sehun again and starts to cry.

“Sehun-ah...Sehun-ah, I’m so sorry,” Luhan sobs, wiping the tears away with his jacket sleeve. “I never meant to hurt you. I need you to know that I-”

“This is it. Room 801.”

Luhan hears muffled voices and footsteps outside the room. He stops speaking and begins to panic. It’s the other members. They’d be angry that he went off to visit Sehun without telling them anything. He knows that they’re already mad enough at him after finding out about the wedding. He can’t let them see him in Sehun’s hospital room. His eyes wander around the room, looking for a place to hide.

The bathroom.

With the bathroom door closed and the lights turned off, waits.

The door to the room clicks open. “I want to be alone with him,” someone says. Luhan hears another voice before the door closes.

Chanyeol closes the door on Baekhyun, who stands outside behind the wheelchair. The boy makes his way over to the hospital bed. His breath catches in his throat when he gaze falls on Sehun’s face. Chanyeol’s legs are shaky and his heart is thudding.

Words cannot explain how relieved he is to see that Sehun is okay. Chanyeol sits down at the edge of the bed and leans forward, lifting his uninjured hand to brush Sehun’s dark bangs away from his eyes. He runs his fingers through the other’s locks, looking down at him with sad, watery eyes.

“Hey Sehun,” he says, voice cracking a little at the end. “It’s me, Chanyeol.”

Chanyeol blinks back his tears. “Why would you do it? I thought we were past this. I thought you were stronger. Or maybe that’s what tricked myself into thinking when I shut you out. I wasn’t...I wasn’t trying to hurt you when I ended it, but you hurt Baekhyun. You hurt him and I just couldn’t stand the sight of you. You new the entire time that I was still in love with him. You were always mocking my feelings because you knew I would never challenge you.”

“You were damaged, and I tried to be gentle. I let you say whatever you want, do whatever you want without a second thought. My top priority was to take care of you. No matter what, I wanted to make you happy. You and I were very similar at the time; I understood exactly how you felt. I wanted to make sure that feeling didn’t last.”

“But then I started to desire you. It made me feel dirty, like I was sleeping with you for all the wrong reasons. I felt like I was using you. It was even worse when I began to realize that you had feelings for me. I was scared, and there was no denying what I noticed. Then, little by little, I got attached. We agreed beforehand that there wouldn’t be any strings involved in our relationship, but we spent so much time together that it would have been impossible for me to not feel anything for you.”

“I really did like you, Sehun, even when you were annoying at times. But I didn’t like you enough to get over Baekhyun. I didn’t like you enough to forgive you for hurting him. And I know saying this will hurt to hear, but there isn’t a world where the two of us can be together the way you wanted. I will always love Baekhyun. Me being your boyfriend would only be unfair to you. If I can’t give you my heart fully, then we can’t be together. You deserve better than that, Sehun. You deserve someone who will give you everything, and that someone can’t be me.”

“I was so convinced that you would be okay. I never thought that something like this could happen. I realize that I wasn’t there for you, especially when you needed me the most. It really seems like I abandoned you, doesn’t it? But just because I wasn’t there for you before, it doesn’t mean that I’m not here for you now. I’m here, Sehun. I’m here for you and I want to help. I’m not going to shut you out. It was my responsibility to look after you and care for you, but I have failed to do both. And for that, I am so, so sorry.

“I know you feel like you don’t have anyone who cares about you. You think that no one loves you, but so many people do. Even though it’s not the love that you want, it’s still love. The other members, they’ve been here since last night. Your parents and brother rushed here too. We’ve all been hoping for the best for you. Even Luhan hyung flew from China just to see you. He’s here in the hospital and I’m sure he wants to talk to you, Sehun…”

“Don’t ice him out anymore. You can’t keep dwelling on the way he rejected you. Luhan hyung hurt you, but you have to let that go. He wasn’t able to return your feelings then, and he probably still won’t be able to now, but he cares. He cares so much that he dropped everything to come and see you. If that’s not proof that someone loves you, I don’t know what is.”

“You survived, Sehun. Don’t waste this second chance,” Chanyeol finishes, tears rolling down his cheeks. He leans in toward Sehun and presses a kiss to the younger’s pale cheek. The maknae’s eyelids flutter and Chanyeol gets up to leave.

Inside the bathroom, Luhan holds his breath. He can’t believe what he just heard.

Outside the room, Baekhyun has his ear pressed against the door, a hand covering his mouth. When he hears movement inside the room, he stumbles back from the door and attempts to look like he wasn’t just eavesdropping for the past fifteen minutes.

Chanyeol opens the door, eyes red and lids puffy. Baekhyun greets him with a concerned look.

“Yeol?”

“I’m tired, Baek. Let’s go back.”

Sehun listens as the door closes, hot tears threatening to spill from his closed lids. He’d been awake from the moment that the rapper walked in.

It hurts.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Believe it or not, SOTL is nearly completed! There's a lot of dialogue in this chapter, sorry if it's lacking! The nect few chapters may feature some flashbacks~~~ Thank you all for sticking with this fanfic for so long ❤️

Please drop me some comments and let me what you think 💕