Sunggyu Hyung! Sunggyu Hyung who I love a lot!

I love you!

I want to say that until you get sick of it!

Thank you for not leaving me, it must be tiring isn’t it, dealing with me? I’m sorry that I keep causing you great pain, I’m very grateful that you don’t leave me even though you can, really. I’m sorry I can’t repay you for everything, I can only repay you with my loveㅋㅋ

(I sound like Woohyun Hyung ㅠㅠ  but it’s true though!)

I don’t know if you’re going to read this, since I’m not sure if I can give you this, I’m not even sure if I will remember to give you this. But maybe! One day you will read this!

I want to tell you that during they time we’re together, I’m really happy~ You treat me too well, even though I’m frustrating. I hope after I can’t be here anymore, you can move on easily. Don’t remember me too much, yeah? Find someone new to love, you deserve happiness! I hope you will spend the rest of your life easier than when you’re with me, you have to!

Thank you for loving me a lot, I will always love you, even though my brain can’t remember, but my body and my heart will! Please remember that!

Be happy!

____________

Sunggyu watches as Myungsoo packs his things, unable to believe that they will no longer live together. The reality finally hits him that Myungsoo is really leaving, even though it’s not forever. Having lived together for more than a decade, Sunggyu wonders if he is going to get used to Myungsoo not being there. Because even though Myungsoo is gone, sometimes spends days filming and doing other things, Myungsoo always comes back.

But today, Myungsoo won’t come back to live with them all anymore.

“You really have to go, aren’t you?” he says, even though he doesn’t mean to say it loudly. Sometimes he really can’t filter what he’s going to say, no matter how many times he has practiced.

Myungsoo looks at him and smiles sadly, “I’m sorry, Hyung.”

Sunggyu smiles back and moves to help Myungsoo with his luggage, trying to be a gentleman. Myungsoo really has a lot of stuffs, it actually takes day for him to pack everything. Myungsoo is checking his notes, noting what stuffs he has just packed and which ones he has sent away to his house.

“Do you think your parents will mind if I visit every day?”

Myungsoo laughs and moves to hug Sunggyu suddenly, but Sunggyu is already used to it so he is not startled anymore. Living with people like Jang Dongwoo and Kim Myungsoo means that you have to get used to a lot of skinships.

Myungsoo whispers on his ear, “It’s okay, they know about us, they won’t mind.”

And now is the time that Sunggyu is actually startled.

“You already told them?!”

Myungsoo never tells him that, Sunggyu hasn’t even told his parents about that because he is afraid of their judgements.

“You didn’t know? Maybe I forgot to tell you—“ Myungsoo smiles, but Sunggyu feels that his mood starts to dampen, “—just kidding. I didn’t forget.”

Sunggyu starts to hit Myungsoo lightly while Myungsoo just laughs. Sunggyu starts to tickle Myungsoo until he falls on the sleep while he laughs louder and louder. Is it a good sign that Myungsoo can joke about things like that easily?

“I told them yesterday, Hyung! Stop tickling me!” Myungsoo yells, while laughing, “Sungyeollie! Sunggyu-Hyung is torturing me!”

Sunggyu stops tickling Myungsoo once Sungyeol’s name is mentioned, because currently Sungyeol is in a no-joking mode and takes everything seriously. Sunggyu doesn’t want to get chewed out, he hopes Sungyeol is not near.

“Don’t use Sungyeol as a shield!” Sunggyu protests, but then changes the subject back to the thing they’re talking about, “You told them?”

Truthfully, Sunggyu is afraid of how their families are going to react when they tell them about their relationship. A relationship like theirs is not easily accepted, after all. He is just relieved that a lot of people at Woollim seems to be accepting of their relationship, but he is afraid about how everyone else near them going to react. So now his heart is pounding quickly, wanting to know about how Myungsoo’s family reacted, but at the same time not wanting to know.

“Yup,” Myungsoo says, “They’re okay with it…at least I think they’re okay. They don’t protest or anything, though.”

Sunggyu feels relieved hearing that, though he wonders if Myungsoo’s family accepts it because this might be Myungsoo’s last shot at a relationship.

“Hmmm.” Sunggyu mumbles incoherently, trying to form his thoughts.

“I’m sure they’re really okay, Hyung.”

“I’m glad…”

Sunggyu wonders if he can be brave enough to tell his family, though. They’re not really open minded about this kind of thing, even Sunggyu wasn’t really open minded about a lot of things.

“You don’t have to tell your family.”  Myungsoo smiles and holds Sunggyu’s hand to play with it. Sunggyu swears that sometimes, Myungsoo is like a mind reader. “You just have to visit me a lot.”

“Of course I will visit you a lot.”

“And don’t forget about the trip.”

Sunggyu laughs, not expecting Myungsoo to remember his promise. But he is glad that Myungsoo remembers it, because Sunggyu doesn’t forget it. He has tried to plan a lot of things and truthfully, those plans depend on whether Myungsoo’s family will allow him to go or not. It’s okay though if they can’t go, they just have to use the time they have well. Making memories even though only Sunggyu will remember them at the end.

___________

Sunggyu feels nervous as he waits for Myungsoo’s mother to talk, feeling nervous as the minutes go by. He’s already shocked when the woman calls him and asks to meet him, because even though he has met Myungsoo’s mother a lot of times, but now that the woman knows about his and Myungsoo’s relationship, Sunggyu feels more afraid. He feels like he will meet the woman for the first time.

He is sitting in front of his boyfriend’s mother, unable to take a sip of his coffee and hands holding each other in his lap. He feels like he is going to get yelled at even though they’re currently in a café with a lot of people. Myungsoo’s mother, just like the other members’ mother, feels like his real mother sometimes, and it’s going to if their relationship is going to be broken.

“Why are you so nervous?” Myungsoo’s mother asks, smiling. Her smile looks like Myungsoo’s, it’s warm. “Don’t be nervous, I’m not going to eat you alive.”

Sunggyu laughs nervously.

“I’m sorry,” Sunggyu says, “I’m just afraid that you’re angry at me.”

Maybe he’s being too truthful, but he really doesn’t know what to say, especially since he doesn’t know why Myungsoo’s mother is asking to meet him. He is sure though that they’re going to talk about him and Myungsoo, because what else they’re going to talk about?

“Why am I angry at you? I’m grateful for you.”

“Eh?” Sunggyu says, unconsciously, not expecting the woman to say something like that.

“Thank you for taking care of Myungsoo for the last few years,” Myungsoo’s mother says, now looking sad and looks like she’s going to cry, “I guess it’s going to be my turn to take care of him again.”

Sunggyu falls silent. He can’t imagine how Myungsoo’s mother feels knowing her son is having an incurable disease, a son she has raised really well. He can feel Myungsoo’s mother’s sadness without the woman saying much.

“I will help you too, the members are going to help you too.” He says, the only thing he can offer.

“I know that, I can trust you with that.”

Sunggyu feels flattered for a while, until he realizes that the question that is lingering in his mind is still not answered. He takes a sip of his coffee and dares himself to look at Myungsoo’s mother, the nervousness that has been gone for the last few minutes starts to come back.

“Are you okay with our relationship?”

Myungsoo’s mother smiles genuinely, not a bitter smile. Somehow she looks like she has been expecting that question, she probably is going to be disappointed if Sunggyu doesn’t ask.

“Of course, I’m happy for you two, I don’t care if you’re a man because I know you’re a good person for my son.”

Sunggyu feels so relieved hearing that, it’s like burdens on his shoulder are finally being lifted off. He is glad that their relationship is being approved, that he is being approved as a boyfriend. He feels so happy he could die, really.

“Thank you for loving my son, even though he’s in this condition.”

Sunggyu smiles and holds Myungsoo’s mother’s hands on the table.

“I will always love him in any condition.”

Sunggyu might hate it that Myungsoo will forget him, will even forget that he loves him. But that doesn’t mean his love will waver because Sunggyu is sure, it won’t.

___________

Jeju Island is always beautiful, that’s why Sunggyu chooses it as his and Myungsoo’s destination. Well, other than the fact that they’re not being allowed to go too far, only allowing them to go to Jeju Island together for the trip Sunggyu has promised. They’re not even allowed to go for a long time, only three days even after a lot of begging and pouting (from Myungsoo, Sunggyu definitely doesn’t pout—at least he thinks so).

It doesn’t feel enough for Sunggyu, but he tries to make those three days enjoyable.

They spend a lot of time making out, telling each other stories, having a trip around Jeju, and play. Sunggyu is always watching over Myungsoo, but he is relieved to see Myungsoo looks genuinely happy, as if everything’s okay. Myungsoo hasn’t even had a relapse when they’re being here. Everything’s too good to be true.

They spend their last day playing at the beach, a beach that feels like their own because there aren’t many people there. Sunggyu is lucky he finds out about this beach only a few hours before they really go. It’s not a beach that is visited often, but the views are still very beautiful.

“Hyung, it’s so beautiful.” Myungsoo smiles at him, as they watch as the sun going down. They are sitting on the sands, their whole body has been soaked from the sea water. Thankfully, it’s not that cold for them.

“I know.”

“Do you want to take a picture?” Myungsoo offers, taking out the camera that is barely used that day, Myungsoo too afraid to take it to the waters, fearing that it will fall down.

“Sure!”

Myungsoo holds his camera, but then only stares at it, suddenly looking confused. Sunggyu waits for a while, waiting before he comes back to Myungsoo to ask what’s wrong. Sunggyu is hoping that it’s nothing until Myungsoo starts to push the buttons on the camera frantically. Sunggyu runs back to Myungsoo and holds his shaking hands, stopping him from damaging the camera.

“What’s wrong?”

“I…I don’t know how to use this camera.” Myungsoo says, and Sunggu’s heart breaks, “I forget—“

Sunggyu hugs Myungsoo and let the boy cry on his chest, hugging him tightly and not caring if anyone will see them. He lets Myungsoo cry until he can’t anymore, even though they are standing and it’s tiring. Sunggyu tries to comfort Myungsoo by patting his back. He doesn’t care if people around them looking at them weirdly, knowing who they are or not. He has stopped caring about people since a long time ago.

“Yesterday I still can do it, why do I forget it so suddenly?”

“It’s okay, you will remember again.”

Myungsoo stops crying, even though he is still heaving. Sunggyu lets go of him and wipe his tears, while Myungsoo just looks at him. Sunggyu knows that the stare Myungsoo is giving Sunggyu now is not a good stare.

“Hyung, can I ask for something?”

“Sure.” Sunggyu answers without much thinking. He is ready to give Myungsoo everything.

“When I forget you…when I forget about everything…promise me that you will leave me.” Myungsoo looks down, refusing to look at Sunggyu’s eyes. Now, that is something that Sunggyu can’t promise because he definitely doesn’t want to do something like that.

“No.” He answers, his tone indicating that he doesn’t want to speak about that.

“Hyung…”

Sunggyu sighs, feeling frustrated that Myungsoo is being like this, now. Myungsoo is not a selfish person, but Sunggyu needs Myungsoo to be selfish right now, keeping Sunggyu by his side as much as he wants to. He needs Myungsoo to stop thinking that he is taking Sunggyu’s life from him, because for now Sunggyu’s life is centered on Myungsoo.

“No, Myungsoo, I won’t leave you, don’t even ask for such things.”

“But Hyung—“

Sunggyu shuts Myungsoo up with a kiss.

___________

Myungsoo’s illness starts to progress rapidly ever since their last concert and while everyone around him has prepared for it, it is still shocking for them, even for Myungsoo’s doctor. He really forgets things easily and cannot be left on his own, since it’s dangerous. Myungsoo is stuck in his own house, with his parents afraid to let him go outside. Once, they took Myungsoo outside and they ended up losing him while they were distracted. When they found him, he was surrounded by a lot of strangers who probably recognized him as INFINITE’s L, while he looks confused and lost.

It was traumatizing for them.

Sunggyu can tell that Myungsoo’s frustrated with himself, getting angry when he can’t remember things anymore. He forgets how to use a lot of things, forgetting a lot of simple words and have to plaster labels to everything. As Myungsoo’s frustrations grow, his anger is growing too. Myungsoo hates being treated like a child who doesn’t know anything to do, so when someone tries to help him, he gets angry. It’s as if being angry is the only reaction he can do because if he can’t get angry, he will cry a lot.

Sunggyu tries his hardest to calm Myungsoo down, to tell him that everything’s okay. But he says that everything’s okay too much, it has lost its meaning. So in the end, he can only watch as Myungsoo is spiraling downwards.

Whatever happiness they have, it is only a fleeting moment that is covered by cries of desperations.

___________

One morning, he receives a phone call. On the phone he hears Moonsoo crying.

“He—he almost killed himself.” a pause, “He wants to kill himself.”

Sunggyu drives to the Kim’s household right away, not even remembering to take a proper bath. He is welcomed by the sight of the Kims sitting in the family room, looking very tired and grim. He can see Myungsoo’s mother crying silently, while Myungsoo is nowhere in his sight.

“He is in his room,” Myungsoo father tells him, “He doesn’t want to speak to us. You should try talking to him.”

Sunggyu nods and excuses himself before walking up stair to Myungsoo’s room. The door is closed but not locked so he opens it slowly, daring himself to walk inside without saying anything.

The room is a mess, with random things scattered all over the room. The walls are filled with photos and notes to help him remember, he can see his own photos there, the members’ photos, Myungsoo’s friends’ photos. Each photo has a note under it, mentioning the people on the photo and in what occasion the photo was taken. Even the furniture has labels on them now.

He spots Myungsoo sitting down in front of the mirror, looking at his own reflection. Seems like Myungsoo realizes his presence because he turns to look at Sunggyu. He seems to know why Sunggyu is coming.

“Who is this person?” Myungsoo asks, pointing at his own reflection in the mirror, but his expression is blank. It feels like Sunggyu’s heart stop beating, he looks at Myungsoo with shocks all over his face.

“Your eyes ares so big now, Hyung. Don’t worry, I’m kidding.”

Sunggyu really hates Myungsoo when he is being like this. He can’t even feel relieved because he knows that Myungsoo is not really joking. He wants to scold Myungsoo for a lot of things, but the words don’t come out of his mouth. He knows what he wants to say, but at the same time he can’t say them. He just stares at Myungsoo, waiting for him to speak again.

“But there will be a time where I will be like that, not remembering myself,” Myungsoo says wistfully, “When I don’t remember myself, I won’t even remember you. Are you okay with that, Hyung?”

“I’m okay with that, I’m okay with everything.” Sunggyu says automatically, because he is not lying. He is not scared anymore that Myungsoo will forget him, because it certainly will happen. Sometimes he is angry, that all the memories they have made will be useless, but he is angrier that Myungsoo keeps blaming himself for that, something that hasn’t happened yet.

“But you shouldn’t!” Myungsoo yells at him, but Sunggyu doesn’t flinch, “You deserve someone better than me!”

Sunggyu walks over to Myungsoo and kneels in front of him, holding his hands. Myungsoo is not crying, has done it too many times he doesn’t want to anymore. But he sure looks like he wants to cry right now, Sunggyu wishes Myungsoo is crying. It’s better than him trying to bottle up everything.

“I don’t care if you won’t remember me anymore, I just want to be with you.”

“You shouldn’t!” Myungsoo yanks his hands from Sunggyu, almost making Sunggyu falls down. Myungsoo clenches his fist, eyes are b with tears, “You can’t be trapped with me forever, I don’t want you to.”

Sunggyu hugs Myungsoo tightly, even though Myungsoo tries to break himself free, but Sunggyu’s holding onto him tightly until Myungsoo doesn’t struggle anymore. He buries his hand on Myungsoo’s hair, eyes closed.

“Everyone’s struggling and suffering because of me,” Myungsoo says, voice a little hoarse.

“It’s because we love you, Soo.”

“That’s why I need to go away!” Myungsoo wails again, pushing Sunggyu from himself and finally able to free himself from Sunggyu’s arms.

“If you go away, we will suffer more!” Sunggyu yells, he holds Myungsoo’s body again, shaking him a little, “It’s okay if we’re struggling as long as you’re still here!”

Myungsoo finally cries, wiping his tears angrily. Sunggyu can feel himself crying too, cannot believe that Myungsoo wants himself to be dead. He never thought that Myungsoo will be at this point, realizing that he probably hasn’t done enough for Myungsoo. They cry together, holding onto each other. Sunggyu can’t imagine himself losing Myungsoo. He dreads the day it will come.

Everything’s so cruel.

___________

Sometimes Sunggyu just watches as Myungsoo pours water into his glass until it spills because he has forgotten that he is pouring water. Watches as Myungsoo slowly losing awareness of his surroundings and gets lost in his own emptiness.

Sunggyu isn’t sure why he does nothing sometimes, just sitting motionlessly for a while before he finally gets up and helps Myungsoo.

Then again, Sunggyu doesn’t even want to know why. If he knows, he will get scared of himself.

____________

One morning, Sunggyu came to Myungsoo’s house with flowers in his hand and a hope in his heart. Myungsoo’s mother opened the door and greet him, sounding tired and sad. Sunggyu could only give her a half-hearted smile, even though he wished he could offer words of console, or maybe something more, something that would be useful.

Not long after, Myungsoo showed up behind his mother, and looked at Sunggyu with curious eyes, without a hint of recognition. Sunggyu’s hearted dropped, because even before Myungsoo started to speak, Sunggyu had realized it before Myungsoo turned to his mother and asked her, “Mom, who is this ahjusshi?”

Sunggyu couldn’t hide his surprise and disappointment. Myungsoo’s mother looked shocked, too—it’s only a few days ago since Sunggyu’s last visit. And while it took a while, Myungsoo could still remember Sunggyu.

“This is Sunggyu, Myungsoo.” Myungsoo’s mother explained, but Myungsoo only looked more confused.

“Who is Sunggyu?”

Sunggyu can only think—Ah, so this is how it feels to be forgotten.

_____________

Losing my memory is losing my own self

Who am I, if I can’t remember who am I?

I am scared, I don’t want to get lost inside my own head

Sometimes I feel like I was trapped inside a cage without a window in my own home

I’m grateful for the people who try to get me out of that cage even though they know it’s impossible

But I feel sorry too

I am sorry

I am really sorry

Sunggyu stops reading and looks outside his apartment, not wanting to continue reading, but he already knows what was written after that. He had read this a hundred times, maybe more. The traces of the old Myungsoo that he has been missing. It hasn’t been a long time since Myungsoo’s last photobook was released, the one Myungsoo has written before he finally can’t anymore, but he has held onto the book so much it almost crumples.

Myungsoo is still here, but not really here. Things that makes Myungsoo become Myungsoo has gone away and will never come back. He really has become someone who can’t recognize his own reflection, someone who needs help for everything and someone who spends most his times sleeping. Now, only people around him who remembers their memories with Myungsoo.

In the end, Sunggyu really has lost Myungsoo, too.

He looks at the notes he’s making, a song he is trying to compose. It feels like this song is going to end up being about Myungsoo, even though he has been trying to not to make anything because it feels like everything is painful. Sunggyu sighs and picks up his note again, scribbling words by words the lyric that has come to his mind.

Myungsoo has given up a long time ago, so maybe now Sunggyu has too.

Thank you

Goodbye

Hello, everyone! I hope you enjoy reading this~ I'm sorry if this feels rushed, I have forgot how to make a good short story >.< I'm trying to make this as short as possible because if I make it too long I might stop writing it (because I'm easily bored when I write long stories) and leave the readers hanging again =")) This is an accomplishment for me though, to write something this long! This is actually a one shot, but because it's long I separate them into three parts. Thank you for reading and if you want to leave your thoughts about this fic and my writing, thank you!