For me, my camera and photographs are the most important things

Photographs can remember a memory I myself can’t even remember

Now that I’m like this…I feel like I need them more

I don’t want to feel like I need them

But no matter how I deny it, I really need them

One night, when Sunggyu just lies on his bed staring at nothing while his mind wandering to somewhere else—sometimes that somewhere is a stage surrounded by his fans, sometimes that somewhere is just someplace, a simple place, with the person he loves by his side. Suddenly, he feels someone lies beside his bed and then back hugging him, face buried into his neck. He can feel the person’s breath on his neck, he can hear the boy trying to hold back a sob.

“Hyung, I don’t want to forget you.”

Sunggyu stays still, not wanting to look at the boy because his heart might get hurt. He doesn’t really know what to say, he can’t process anything. Not because he is sleepy, more like because he doesn’t really want to. There is only silence for a while, until Sunggyu finally only says, “It’s okay.”

The boy buried his head deeper into his neck, and they just lay there without saying anything. Maybe it’s better to stay silent than to say anything. Sometimes, silence is better. Sunggyu wants to say something else, but he just keeps it inside.

I don’t want to be forgotten too.

____________

When he thinks about it, Sunggyu should’ve realize that there is something wrong with Myungsoo faster than he did. All the signs were there, but Sunggyu doesn’t think of anything. Maybe the first sign was when Myungsoo forgot about his schedule or remembering the wrong schedule much more often than usual, but Sunggyu thought it was something normal. They are idols, sometimes their schedules are so packed they only rely on their managers to remind them of those schedules. Even more now, since Woohyun, Hoya, and Sungyeol are all in the military and the rest are trying to take as much works as possible to keep Infinite’s name afloat.

One day he overhears Myungsoo telling Dongwoo about how he kept forgetting things easily, like how he forgot the name of the variety show he watches often, how he kept forgetting some dance moves to their songs so he has to learn it again and again, or how one time he even forgot his own phone’s password and can’t get it to open until the next day when he finally remembered, or how sometimes he forgot where his dorm was. Myungsoo told him that it was scary, like something was messing with his head.

But then Myungsoo says that it’s probably nothing and that he is probably just being paranoid, but it doesn’t really appease Sunggyu’s worry, or even Dongwoo’s. Sunggyu recalls seeing Myungsoo taking painkillers because of non-stop headaches, and he starts to worry that it’s related. He isn’t sure on what Dongwoo says because he gets called by his manager to go on a schedule, but he decides that he probably should ask Myungsoo about it when he gets a chance.

Turns out, he doesn’t need to wait for a long time to do that, he doesn’t even need to actually ask Myungsoo about that.

Several days later, they have a special performance for a live festival, all of them being even more nervous than usual since there are only four of them. They are always better as seven, and they know that. Before the performance, they can’t keep still because of how nervous they are, Sunggyu even feels like a rookie again.

Myungsoo had another massive headache and had to take another painkiller, making the others worried. Myungsoo just brushed it off as stress.

But once he set his foot on stage again, it felt like he is finally free. The performance was going well, they were performing a song they have never officially released before, performing the song as four even though they have practiced it as seven before.

It feel nice, to see that there were still a lot of inspirits even though there were only four of them. Sunggyu sang his heart out and felt a lot of joy, until Myungsoo’s part came…but there were only silence. Sunggyu was confused until he took a look at Myungsoo, who didn’t move at all and stood still like he was frozen. Myungsoo’s head moved left and right, eyes looking at his environment as if he didn’t know why he was there. There was panic in his eyes, Sunggyu stops dancing and runs to Myungsoo before Myungsoo falls, suddenly having a panic attack and started to cry.

He holds Myungsoo before Myungsoo collapsed and from there, the nightmare began.

____________

Myungsoo has dipped his foot on a kind of depression after the incident, sometimes refusing to go out of his room for the whole day, does nothing, or even refusing to eat. It’s like he is punishing himself, no one can makes him smile or laugh. Everything is depressing, even for Sunggyu, Dongwoo, and Sungjong. They don’t know on what to do.

The incident is a huge deal, everyone knows about it, there is news about it everywhere and most of them are negatives, with Myungsoo getting more hates than usual. Sometimes when Myungsoo is not in his room, Sunggyu finds him browsing about the news and reading all the hate comments by himself, which makes Sunggyu mad, not at Myungsoo, but at everything. He feels hurt too, having to see Myungsoo being like this and unable to do anything.

They ends up fighting one day because Sunggyu forces Myungsoo to stop reading the comments by taking away his laptop.

The thing is, that’s not the worst thing that has happened.

Sunggyu sits on the dining table, hands holding a cup of coffee. It’s almost 2AM, but he can’t even fall asleep. It’s probably not a good idea to drink coffee, but if he doesn’t drink coffee than he needs at least a bottle of beer. He still doesn’t talk to Myungsoo, since they’re just fighting several hours ago. But he still can’t help but think about Myungsoo, about everything that happens. Ever since that day, he thinks about it every day and it’s starting to drive him mad.

Myungsoo wasn’t able to sing his part really because he couldn’t sing it. How could he, when he didn’t even remember the lyrics, when he was wondering why was suddenly he stands on a stage when he thought that he was standing in their dorm several seconds ago?

It’s all so weird, which is why they forced Myungsoo to go check himself to a doctor. Myungsoo had gone through several tests, a lot of tests that Sunggyu doesn’t understand. It felt weird for Sunggyu, because Myungsoo didn’t look sick, but Sunggyu had a gut feeling that Myungsoo is actually sick. That was one of the rare times where Sunggyu didn’t want to be right.

But sadly, Sunggyu was right.

Young onset Alzheimer’s, the doctor said. It takes a while before Sunggyu can process it, because he knows what Alzheimer’s is, but he only knows that only old people can suffer from. But Sunggyu was wrong. And in one in a million chances, that one just has to be Myungsoo. But Myungsoo isn’t even 30 yet. Myungsoo is too young, it shouldn’t be possible. He would understand if he is the one who suffers from that, but instead of him, it’s Myungsoo.

It’s like God is purposely being cruel.

“Do you hate me?”

He is so lost in his thought that he doesn’t realize that Myungsoo comes and sit in from of him. He almost jumps when Myungsoo speaks and he even spills his coffee a little. Myungsoo always has an ability to show up out of nowhere, but Sunggyu guesses that this time it’s because he is so out of it.

“What?”

Myungsoo hangs his head low, and repeat, “Do you hate me?”

“No? Why would I hate you?”

Sunggyu doesn’t think that Myungsoo would think that he hates him, their fight was only a small fight and not something that would make Myungsoo thinks like that. Sunggyu doesn’t feel like he was being harsh, he only wants Myungsoo to stop reading unimportant people’s comments. And more importantly, he wants Myungsoo to stop being sad and blaming himself for everything.

“Because I ruin everything.”

“No, you don’t, don’t say that.”

Myungsoo lays his head on the table, looking at elsewhere. It kills Sunggyu to see Myungsoo being like this, sad and depressed. He wants the Myungsoo who will laugh at everything back. He wants the Alzheimer thing to go away and never come back.

“But Hyung…”

Sunggyu sighs. Sometimes, he is not really good at comforting other people.

“Listen, it’s not your fault, okay? You can’t control everything, I don’t hate you, so does Dongwoo and Sungjong. We won’t hate you no matter what you did.”

Sunggyu can tell that Myungsoo is trying hard not to cry.

“I should withdraw from Infinite, shouldn’t I?”

“No.” Sunggyu says, firmly. He doesn’t want to let Myungsoo go just like that, not that easily. He won’t let Myungsoo gives up just like that.

“If I stay, I will become a hindrance, Hyung. Plus the company might kick me out, right?”

“The doctor said that it won’t progress quickly, you still can perform with us for a long time.”

Sunggyu isn’t assured, but he tries to sound as assured as he could. No one knows about Myungsoo’s condition other than them and some people in the company, they just said that Myungsoo was sick back then when the incident happens. They can still manage this, he hopes they can at least until they finally can perform as seven members again.

Myungsoo sits straight again.

“How if something happens again? How if I screw up again? If I screw up, I will ruin Infinite.”

“Then I will help you, I will stand by your side until the end. I don’t care how many times you will screw up, I will be happy as long you still perform with us.” Sunggyu says firmly, without a doubt. Sunggyu loves performing, and Sunggyu loves performing and singing perfectly. But Sunggyu loves Myungsoo more—even if their performances won’t be perfect anymore. He would rather perform with all of the members present rather than performing perfectly, but without some of the members.

“How about other members? How if they want me to go away?”

“Yah, do you think that lowly of our members? I’m sure they are the same!”

“Woohyun-hyung, Hoya, and Sungyeol don’t even know yet.”

“Myungsoo—“

Sunggyu really hates it that Myungsoo is being like this. Myungsoo, even though most of the times he is silent and doesn’t talk much unless necessary, is almost always happy and positive. He is so used to that Myungsoo, he is not used to a skeptical Myungsoo.

“Hyung, do you know? I really like you.”

____________

“And you only tell us now?”

Sungyeol is so loud sometimes.

“I’m sorry.”Sunggyu can hear a long sigh from the other line, he can even imagine them sighing (and probably almost crying or getting mad). He takes a look at Sungjong and Dongwoo, who are also there with him. This is the one of the rare chances where they can call Sungyeol, Woohyun, and Howon, but sadly they have to tell them a bad news.

“How is he, now?” Woohyun asks, voice full of worries. Sunggyu can imagine that they’re probably mad that they are stuck in military now out of all times, because Sunggyu would be mad too if he can’t do anything.

“He is better now, not as depressed as before.” Dongwoo answers, “Hopefully he will be okay.”

Sungjong hasn’t really says anything, probably doesn’t want to. Actually, Sunggyu doesn’t want to speak too. But as the oldest one, he has to. It has been hard for them to endure, even though their suffering is not as hard as Myungsoo’s, but everything has affected them and makes their hearts feels heavy.

“So, what now? What will we do?”

“What do you think? We will wait for you to come back, of course.”

Everything will be okay.

____________

It takes a few weeks for the issue about the incident to calm down, but it takes more than a month for Myungsoo to go back to feel a little better and to accept what has happened and his diagnosis. In that time they have managed to settle things for the next few months. It was not as hard as Sunggyu thought it would be—convincing Jungyeop and the company to let Myungsoo stay and perform. They decide to hide the fact from the public and fans for now, at least until Myungsoo unable to perform anymore. Sunggyu hopes that it will be a long time.

It’s actually harder to convince Myungsoo to believe in himself that he is still able to perform. It’s like the confidence Myungsoo has built in years has gone only in a matter of a few days. He, Dongwoo, and Sungjong have talked with Myungsoo a lot of times, trying to convince him and making sure that he is okay. Myungsoo is convinced, at least for a little. And then they have to convince Myungsoo’s parents to let him stay for a little while, to not take Myungsoo away. Ever since Myungsoo was diagnosed, Myungsoo’s parents want him to come back to stay with them and the only reason why Myungsoo is not at home yet is because he doesn’t want to. He said, going back to his home feels like he is really sick.

Sunggyu only hopes, that Myungsoo won’t change his thoughts again.

They probably won’t do a comeback until the others come back, but they have practiced the songs and the dance because Myungsoo insists that they start now—because Myungsoo is afraid that he won’t have time to be able to remember everything. Sunggyu doesn’t want Myungsoo to be afraid, and it that Sunggyu can’t do anything to ease Myungsoo’s worries.

The practices are a good distraction for Myungsoo, until when he forgets something and starts to freak out and Sunggyu has to calm him down. He has become more sensitive about forgetting—even though it’s normal to forget a few things, Myungsoo will punish himself much more than he should.

They are lying down on the practice room together after Myungsoo has another freak out. Myungsoo still trying to calm himself down, while Sunggyu doesn’t want to leave before he makes sure that Myungsoo is okay.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I think.”

Sunggyu lays on his side to look at Myungsoo. The boy doesn’t look at him back, still staring at the ceiling. He looks calm and somehow, that makes Sunggyu feels calm too.

“You really have taken your medicine, right?”

“Yes hyung, don’t worry I didn’t forget that. I’m sure.”

Myungsoo has started to take some medicines. There is one for the Alzheimer that Myungsoo needs to take often, they say that this medicine can slow down the progression. Sunggyu hopes they aren’t lying. There is some painkillers and anti-depressant, in case Myungsoo starts to feel depressed again. Life’s much more complicated now for Myungsoo.

After a while Myungsoo finally turns to him, and smiles weakly before saying, “Hyung, thank you.”

“What for?”

“For always being by my side and helping me, for…everything.”

Sunggyu laughs a little and then ruffles Myungsoo’s hair.

“It’s not a problem, it’s not like I have any other choices.” He says jokingly, making Myungsoo fakes a pout. Sunggyu knows that it’s fake, because he probably knows the boy too well.

“Fine, I take back what I said! I don’t want to thank you!”

“Don’t be angry~ I have accepted the thank you so you can’t take it back now.”

It’s fun, slowly going back to how things before, forgetting that thing that makes their lives miserable. Maybe they’re trying to forget, maybe they’re just starting to accept everything and starting their usual lives again. No matter which one, it feels nice to be like this.

“You know that I rarely say things like that, so you better treasure that.” Myungsoo says, now smiling again even though it doesn’t last long. “Hyung…does it bother you, too?”

Sunggyu scrunches his eyebrows.

“What?”

“That someday I probably will not be able to remember you or anything else…that I probably won’t be really here anymore.”

Sunggyu wonders how Myungsoo is able to go from one mood to another mood so suddenly.

“Honestly…yes.”

Honestly, Sunggyu doesn’t want to be forgotten. He really doesn’t want to. Sometimes it makes him feel uneasy, that Myungsoo probably will forget him, will forget INFINITE, and will forget everything. But sometimes it makes him even more uneasy that while Myungsoo remembers him, they won’t have many memories together, even though maybe in the end it will be only Sunggyu who remembers those memories.

“I’m sorry.” Myungsoo says, now avoiding Sunggyu’s eyes that are still fixated on him.

“Stop feeling sorry, you shouldn’t feel sorry for something you can’t control.”

Sunggyu probably has been too much of a coward before, not wanting to say that he loves Myungsoo because he is afraid. Sunggyu realized, he is actually not so sure about what he is afraid of. He knows that he won’t be rejected because Myungsoo has said a lot of times that he likes him. He knows that the other members will understand. So what is he afraid of? He doesn’t want to think too much anymore, now even if it seems sudden, Sunggyu decides that he should stop being a coward.

“You know, as long as you remember me, let’s make a lot of memories together.” He says, “As long as you remember me, let’s be together.”

He is confessing, but Myungsoo looks puzzled instead. He doesn’t really knows what to say, because it feels weird to say ‘I love you’ so suddenly.

“But we’re always together, Hyung.”

“No, I mean—“ why is this actually so hard? “—be mine, I want you to be mine from now on.”

Myungsoo’s reaction is not what he thinks it will be, because Myungsoo actually looks sadder instead of happier. Sunggyu wonders if he does it wrong—he probably should have consulted Woohyun first before confessing. But it’s not like he is actually planning to ever confess.

“Hyung, are you pitying me now? I do like you a lot, but it’s okay if you don’t like me back, I can deal with that.”

Or maybe, Myungsoo is just a dummy.

“No, I don’t pity you, I’m serious, I want to be really together with you.” Sunggyu wants to yell at Myungsoo just to accept it so he doesn’t have to say anything embarrassing again, “I have accepted your love, so you can’t take it back, okay?”

Sunggyu waits, maybe he is even holding his breath after he says all of that. After a while, Myungsoo starts to smile, even wider than usual.

“Okay.”

Sunggyu sighs, relieved, and the smiles too.

Sunggyu thinks, he will be happy as long as he is with Myungsoo. Even it’s just for a little while, even if the future is very uncertain right now, what matters is he is with Myungsoo. Even if it’s just for a little while, until Myungsoo forgets him, he would like to be able to hold Myungsoo’s hands as much as he wants to. Without conflicted feelings and worries, he wants to be able to fully enjoy the time they will spend together from now on.

Even if it’s just for a little while.