Δ

Ever gave a careful thought about those little things we notice every once in a while – like the warmth of your breath or the frequency of your blinking – that we choose to ignore every single time? We can’t help it. We feel it’s the right thing to do. It’s just the way it is.

That’s what I did back then when I heard Baek’s question. There was something wrong with his eyes. I felt a hint of worry, a rather unsettling suspicion that, somehow, things were quite not right. But I ignored it. Maybe it was the festivity in the café, or the remnants of the joy still plastered on my face. I just felt I had to ignore it.

And looking back now, I wish I hadn’t.

“What’s this all of a sudden?” I asked. I thought maybe he wanted me to live with him in his house ‘cause his mom was going somewhere for a week. Maybe he wanted to spend more time with grandma in my house. Or maybe he was just getting sentimental or something, because, after all, we’re leaving for the city in a couple of days. 

Baekhyun smiled and held my hand. “Let’s talk about it in our tree,” he tugged me and pointed to where my bandmates were.

“For now, let’s eat. I’m starving.”

Δ

The owner was generous enough to reserve us a table on the second floor of the café. In the other gigs we’ve had, we’d just be chucked to the kitchen or the the staff quarters to eat. (The card that boasted of “V.I.P.” in big black letters sent my bandmates in a fit of frenzy. I thought it was a little over the top pfft). The second floor was actually the building’s rooftop so that the tables were donned in big umbrellas with wide white skirts lined in fairy lights. The view was quite beautiful. But I was too distracted with Baekhyun’s words that I wasn’t able to fully enjoy the moment. I was too curious for my own good. Even the lavish dinner tasted like sandpaper in my mouth.

Baekhyun was beside me, but he seemed to be all over the place – each word from his mouth spilled sparkles into the air, and my bandmates gobbled his every vivacity. I should be concerned ‘cause he looked tired, but he appeared to be into the moment, that it was too heartbreaking to take that away from him. He’d look at me once in a while and I’d answer him with a smile or an occasional nod. I couldn’t keep up with their conversation, because honestly I wasn’t that interested. I just want us to finish eating. I just want us to be under our tree.

I was about to finish my steak when Kyungsoo turned to me. “Chanyeol,” he muttered. That sent me back to reality. It was something about his voice - cold, but gripping. Suddenly, all eyes were on me.

“Y-yes?” I answered, half-stuttering.

“Did Kai tell you the details about the double date yet?” he asked. The whole table fell silent when he spoke so that his words were crystal clear.

Whoa. I felt a surge of panic. Suho was there. Like, damn Kyungsoo, you flirted with the boy onstage just a few minutes ago! I gawked at him and he seemed to be nonchalant about what he said. In fact, he looked cold, bored even. Way to go. I turned to Suho. He looked confused as everyone else around the table.

“Double date?” Suho asked, followed by a nervous chuckle. “You’re going to a double date? I wasn’t aware of this.”

No. He wasn’t just confused. He was hurt.

“My friend Kai wanted me to come with him to a double date,” I said. Eyebrows raised, I even saw Baekhyun roll his eyes. ”As all of us here know, I’m already taken, so I turned him down.

“However, he suddenly got this stupid idea to ask Kyungsoo instead. Kyungsoo agreed. In exchange, I’ll have to get anything he wants.” I gave Suho a reassuring look, to say that it wasn’t much, not something to worry, just a result of circumstance. He catches my stare and decides to go back to his food. But the small nod he made wasn’t hard to miss.

I didn’t understand why Kyungsoo was doing this, though. Was he trying to get Suho jealous? Because the dude’s ing ravaged, you could see the happiness slowly draining from his body. I took my phone out to distract myself from the pitiful Suho. There were no messages. I faced Kyungsoo and shook my head.

“Nope. No Kai text yet.”

“I see.”

I joked that maybe he was partying again somewhere in town. It was a slump. Thankfully, Tao decided to talk about the guy he met at the makeup store while he was buying eyeliner. Then I was back to enjoying my steak. I still couldn’t bring myself to care about their discussion. I was too engrossed with the relief of having the Kyungsoo chat end. (Although I heard Tao say the guy’s name was Kris. And he was all over him.)

“When we shook hands, his face was like ten centimeters away from mine. He looked like he was something out of a manga comic. Like, pure perfection, gosh!”

My eyes rolled automatically. As if.

I watched Kyungsoo, and my brows automatically creased. For a moment, I just stared at him coldly. It took me a while to realize I was pissed. Pissed with what he did to Suho.

But why would I even be angry with him just for a simple question?

I looked away before he caught me staring at him. Confusion and worry started to set in. Why was I feeling all these emotions all of a sudden?

I let my ears listen while my mind wandered out into the night sky. Baekhyun roared in laughter as Tao and he talked about the eyeliner he bought. The others seemed to have made their own conversations, too. And I was there to listen to theirs.

I felt off, felt disconnected. And it was annoying me – making me angry, even. My jaw clenched tight and my hand balled into a fist around my fork. 

Get your together, Park Chanyeol.

I took a deep breath and stood up. “Gotta use the bathroom,” I whispered to Baek.  

I just wish he didn’t notice I was falling apart while I walked away.

Δ

The toilet was located downstairs so I had the chance to go out of the café after doing my business. I found a bench across the road and decided to stay there to cool down – with my trusted pack of cigarettes, of course.

Baekhyun doesn’t know I smoke. And I’d like to keep it that way. I wasn’t addicted to it. If I kept a tally of the number of times I did smoke, it might just amount to once or twice a month, or none at all. I just took one when I’m on the brink of losing my . Just like now.

And it’s more frustrating because I don’t quite understand where this weird feeling was coming from. I don’t even know what that “it” is exactly. Part of me thinks this had something to do with that damn dream. That, maybe Baekhyun was right to say I was freaking out about it. And somehow, somewhere amongst the events of today, something hit my heart strings in the wrong way. And here I was walking on eggshells, careful not to lose myself over it.

There were days like this in the past, I can’t deny that. Sometimes they’d become too much for me to handle and I’d purposely disconnect myself from reality. I’d cut class and go to this town, to Suho’s garage. And, when I’m lucky, my bandmates were not there while I was at it.

Like the day mom and dad went to grandma’s to talk about the divorce, when Baek slapped me in front of my family for being the idiot that I was. And that day Baek cried during basketball practice in front of everyone when Yixing told him I was disgusted by him. It was harder in those times because the person I wanted to share my sadness with was the one who caused it. But maybe it’s easier to handle this time because now I had Baekhyun with me.

It would be nice if he’d just tell me what the living-together was about already. Maybe I’ll have some peace of mind.

I decided not to head back to the café and waited for my bandmates and Baek to finish instead. They came out of the building not long after with my boyfriend in tow. Their faces were evident of a hearty meal, but those smiles weren’t enough to get me jealous of the good time I missed upstairs. I took one last puff from my cigarette and threw it on the sidewalk before any of them could see me.

“You didn’t come back,” Baek said, matter-of-factly. I took him in a hug and kissed his forehead, reaping groans from my bandmates.

“This. This is the reason why I didn’t climb back up,” I grumbled.

We bid our goodbyes soon enough. Tao and Chen went ahead while Suho stayed, saying he’d have to talk with the owner for our pay. Kyungsoo was on one corner, clearly avoiding conversation but would not leave his spot. I gave Suho a knowing look. He answered me with a chuckle and gestured me to go.

“You seemed awfully quiet earlier,” Baek said as soon as we lost sight of the two. “Is something wrong?”

The night breeze was cold. I wrapped my hand around his and pressed him closer to me. “Nothing, I just felt weird all of a sudden.” I said.

He stopped walking and looked at me. “Are you sick? Are you hurt anywhere?”

“Ha ha. Nah. There’s just so much in my mind lately.” I grabbed him back to me and continued our little stroll.

“Is it the dream again?” he asked.

Maybe, I wanted to say. But I said no.

“The divorce?”

I shook my head.

“What’s more to