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Taemin have never realized how much he can hate his own home.
But he never knew how lonely such big house can be. There are big painting on the walls, vintage furniture everywhere, flowers in all possible corners. There's a tennis cord, a pool, a closed botanic garden. Suddenly he owns all kind of things he doesn't know how to use and all kind of things he doesn't get the existence of in the first place.
The only thing that he doesn't have it seems is another human being around him. Most of the time he feels like the last man in the world. Both him and Kibum firmly refused on any help living with them in the house and he goes a little bit crazy every single day all alone.

Almost a month living like this he starts, from pure survival instincts, spending as much time as possible away. Clubbing, hanging out with whoever had free time, testing how fast his bike can actually go. More often than not he comes home in the middle of the night, more than slightly drunk and one time which he will never forget - hand in hand with another boy.
Kibum has seen them entering the house together, dressed in his pajamas, midnight milk in his hand. He didn't say anything but Taemin understood well enough - this was to never happen again under their roof. He called a taxi for WooShin than night.
"Don't you feel lonely?" seeing Kibum on breakfast he had asked frustrated. "It feels like I'm living in a house full of ghosts."
Kibum had glanced at him over his paper and shrugged giving him a cold shoulder. Somewhere Taemin found himself a little bit happy that his husband looks quite mad for the yesterday's incident.

'His husband', he rarely has a chance to think of Kibum in that way. Even testing the word in his thoughts it sounded foreign and forceful.
There were days when they don't even get to see each other although they live in the same house. Kibum, he found out, had the habit of locking himself all day in his art studio, coming out only in the evening when the lights are already not good enough. Sometimes he would go out into the night as well, coming back even later than Taemin. Taemin never asked himself where he's been in fear of the answer hurting.
They do talk sometimes. About mundane things, about where they need to be in the weekend, about the garden that was getting quite awful looking but they couldn't give a . They talked without actually getting to know each other.

There are times however, when they did have to smile to each other, kiss each other, look into each other's eyes, while pretending they're madly in love. One time it was a company dinner, the next month - Taemin's father's birthday and after that - Kibum's own.
"You look so cute together!" the wife-of-somebody-important would always exclaim looking at them with bright, slightly drunk eyes, and Taemin would laughs giving her the show, bringing Kibum's body closer by the waist and nuzzling his neck. The elder blushes expertly, a soft pink dusting on his cheeks.
"Ah, young love sure is good!" she would then sight, before going to find her overweight middle aged and unromantic husband.
The newlywed's faces would fall looking at her back.

"Don't you get sick of it?", after one of this night, Taemin whines, slumbered on a kitchen chair.
He looks up at Kibum, still in his coat and the other shrugs before coming to sit in front of him. He looks just as tired as is Taemin, undoing his bow tie and messing his hair a little bit.
"I mean, you hate just as much as I do.", the younger adds.
Kibum looks at him and shrugs.
"I think it's alright actually."
To that Taemin rises an eyebrow mockingly.
"You know, even you aren't that good at pretending."
Kibum's laugh is clear and rings throughout the house. Taemin marvel shortly how his eyes turns into crescents and
the while teeth almost shine in the dim room.
"I'm not, am I?", he grins amused. "Well, I guess even the doll has something he can't fake."
Taemin looks at him, a pang of guilt in his eyes. It feels so far away now, the times when he thought Kibum was just a stone statue that he could not touch. And the hate he used to produce in him.
Living together inevitably revealed so much more sides of the older man. Taemin couldn't help but notice how he will wear his hair in a cute apple bun on his head when it was too long. Or how his pajamas were actually pink with kittens saying "Maew" on them. How he puts tons and tons of sugar in his coffee and pretends he drinks it black. How some night he comes home looking so tired and pained the younger just feels the need to give go and hug him. He notices when Kibum's smile are bright and happy and fake or when they are small and almost teasing but real without a doubt. He notices it all and like a fool falls deeper and deeper.
"I don't think you are doll.", he says quietly looking straight at Kibum. "For a long time now."
He pats himself on the shoulder because Kibum 's eyes are a little bit startled and wide. Taemin leans a little bit closer and opens his mouth to say something more but the elder moves abruptly away and up.
"What are talking about? Let's go to sleep."
And like this a real conversation is cut in the beginning, leaving the two of them hanging to each end.
Taemin is a child, he knows this very well. But he's truly confused in the way the adults avoid every chance of being real with the world. 

*

There's a thing that nags him every day. Ever since their wedding on the beach and every time since then when he sees Kibum coming out from his studio, paint smeared on one of the pale cheeks.
"Why don't you pursue it as a career?", he hears his husband's voice in his head, asking the same question he did when they first met.
Really, why? Taemin wants to know the answer too. Because nothing works for him anymore, for quite awhile now.
He was as happy as every normal human being when he gets his acceptance latter from Seoul's academy of arts. He was damn ambitious when he first sets foot in the building and finds the department of photography. He was so excited when he takes his first professional photo and gets praised from the instructor. He's all kind of happy and giddy when suddenly, in the midst of his second year, he realizes he's actually not. Not anymore. He has lost his every will to do it actually. He doesn't know what he wants to capture, what he wants to say. He doesn't know what he wants to do and surely - what he wants to be.

"It doesn't matter if it's happy or sad.", Kibum had said him once, in one of their brief 'moments'. "As long as you find something that makes you feel, really truly feel, you will just know you have to do something with the feeling."
"Was it like this with Choi Minho?", Taemin asks almost not thinking.
"I won my first competition when it started."
Just like that, the hurt is back to the younger.

He graduates from the academy barely, angrily. At himself for the betrayal and at everybody else for the emptiness. He never wants to take camera again.
He's reminded every time he sees Kibum working that he could have been like him. Bu he doesn't fall in disdain from that. On the contrary - it's so fascinating he wants to capture the moment and go back to it later on, again and again. Because something in the sparks that can be seen in the other's eyes set light in his own.

"What?", Kibum's repeats confused the younger's words, eying him over a large cup of 'black' coffee. "You want me to what?"
"Model for me." Taemin says again and digs his nails further into his palm.
"Hmmm...", Kibum gazes at him thoughtfully and he sweats a little bit from nerves. He longs for the moment when he will run and hide in his room after that.
"I'm quite busy today." finally the elder says with hesitation. "Maybe on the weekend?"
Taemin can't hold the bright smile that stretches his lips and Kibum, for the first time ever - returns it fondly.

---So a few days later---

"Can you close your eyes?" Taemin moves a little bit on the left searching for the perfect angle.
Kibum glances at him from the place where he's lying down on his side but obediently complies.
"What's the concept again?"
They have been in the garden for more than a couple of hours now, Taemin is starting to fear the sun will soon begin to set down. But once he started working with Kibum it seems like he can't stop anymore.
The elder was a very good model in fact. He's patient and doesn't whine much, letting Taemin concentrate on his work as much as he needs to. The younger attributes it to him being an artist as well and probably knowing the pain of working with models.  He's also the prettiest thing Taemin had seen so far so that's help a lot.
But the reality is actually far from that. Photographing Kibum feels like a totally new experience, that has nothing to do with how he behaves or how good he comes up in the pictures. Taemin feels inspired for the first time since he's first year in school. Suddenly everywhere he looks there's something worth having on a photo - from the ladybug near Kibum's leg to the dark clout in the crystal blue sky that shadows his frame. He can feel his cheeks flushed from excitement and smiles inwardly. Being around Kibum just changes everything.
His concept...
"It's 'Colors'.", he finally decides, nodding his head in confirmation.
"Colors?", Kibum crack one eyes open. "Then I'm definitely not the best subject. I should have at least dyed my hair blue or something."
"Would you, really?", Taemina laughs at the thought and a small grin graces Kibum's mouth as well. "Don't worry, you are perfect."
The words roll off his tongue before he can catch them and sound awkward and uncomfortable. Kibum looks at Taemin fully and the boy is glad he decides to not wear his smirk.
"Am I now?"
The younger coughs embarrassingly.
"I mean...", he tries explain. "Aren't your painting always colorful? I kinda...wanted to try and capture the same colors from you.", he can feel the blush spreading till his neck and is glad that Kibum has his eyes closed again.
The other smiles thought, his own cheeks getting pinker. The light falls on his face and illuminates the long eyelashes shadowing them. 'It's like falling in love for the first time', Taemin thinks and clocks the camera.
'Yeah, this is it!'

*

"No offence Taeminnie, but you have been stepping back and forth, back and forth for the last half an hour.", Jinki hyung says behind him, more amused than he should be. "And I'm getting quite hungry."
"Shut up!", Taemin holds tightly the yellow envelop and glares at his so called best friends. "What friend are you really? You're supposed to encourage me to do it not...not... not be yourself!"
Jinki rolls his eyes and sights. At this rate he will stay one more damn hour in front of the post office.
"You know, this doesn't exactly mean something?", he calls when Taemin turns his back again. "They may not even consider you."
Taemin stops in front of the most box and takes a deep sight. He never knew how entering a competition feels like and judging by the knot in his stomach he doesn't take it well.
"And you know, I really hate you."
"AH GEEZ, Taemin! Just do it already!"
"It's in...", the younger gasps, the envelop falling from his hand and into the box with a low thud. "Oh my God, it's in."
"Congratulations on your first time.", Onew comes behind him, putting his arm around his shoulders. "May you have the best of lucks and all the other people say. Let's go eat now?"
Still dazed Taemin looks at his friends face, lips parted and taking deep breaths of air.
"I have to go.", he manages to slur before moving away and putting his cask back on. "I need to get back home."
"What? Hey!"
But Taemin is already on his motorbike, starting the engine and driving away in full speed.
Onew is left behind, alone, mouth hanging open in disbelieve.
"Ok. Chicken it is, I guess..."
He really should rethink his friends choices.

*

"Kibum!", Taemin barges into the house, shouting from the entrance. "Kibum I did it!"
He goes inside hastily and founds the other on the couch in the living room a.k.a his new favorite place, with a sketch book on his lap. Taemin can't never understand why the elder likes this room so much, in his mind it's too big and cold, like the rest of the building, with stone empty walls and only a big fluffy rug near the fireplace.
Kibum looks up from the sketchbook when Taemin runs into the room, questioning look on his face which makes Taemin stop on his track. What is he doing right now?
The realizations hits him - that he has run inside with the only purpose of telling Kibum. That he needed to tell him before he bursts from emotions and anxiety.
"I sent it.", breathlessly he says. And it's a sight to be seen, really, when Kibum's whole face lights up from a sweet, sweet smile. Taemin feels like melting.
"Really?" the elder stands p from the couch and walks to Taemin. "When? You should have called me!"
"I didn't want to bother you." He holds the thought that Kibum's reaction now is more than enough.
He feels the others skinny arms around himself then, forgets to breath and Kibum is hugging him, really hugging him, body pressed tightly onto his. He can feels happiness bubbling inside of him.
"Congratulations.", he whispers in his ear. "I'm so glad for you!"
 

They spend the rest of the day in the living room, Kibum still on the couch and Taemn spread out on the rug, searching through his phone. It feels all sort of lazy and all sort of comfortable that there's small grin constantly playing on his lips.
Sometimes he lifts his eyes and watches Kibum, how the long fingers work quickly with the pensile. He has his nose scrunched from concentration and Taemin finds it adorable. When his eyes move though, pass the pink lips and onto the milky skin of his neck he his lips unconsciously.
Eventually Kibum catches his stare and he blushes a deep red under the knowing smirk.
"Did you sent a picture of me?", Kibum asks casually, eyes back on his work.
"Hm.", Taemin nods affirmatively. "Who else's?"
"I don't know." there is a pause in which it seems he makes some finishing touches on the paper. "Why did you want to photograph me?"
Taemin glances up again, Kibum sounds genuinely interested in the question. He thinks hard what he's supposed to say.
"I really don't know."
It sounds awfully cliché and the other scoffs at him but it's the actual truth. Taemin doesn't understand himself. Sometimes he still hates his life for turning up so complicated but in the moments like this - when he looks at a very much relax Kibum with tasseled hair and no make-up on, he thinks maybe, just maybe, everything is worth it.
"I'm not sure when it started.", he tries to explain and like an old habit his heart starts beating faster. "I just you... You are... The way you look, the way you carry yourself. I found out I can't take my eyes off you."
Kibum actually looks up and into Taemin then.
"You mean, I'm pretty?", he asks frowning, not completely understanding the younger's train of thoughts. Taemin shakes his head.
"It's not about being pretty." this it, he will be honest. "At first I hated you, you know. I hated how you were always untroubled. How you can always smile, how nice and polite you always appear."
Kibum has putted down everything now, listening intently. His forehead was still wrinkled in confusion and absent mindedly Taemin thought he should stop or he will get wrinkles.
"I could not believe they want to marry me to somebody who doesn't have emotions true enough to even dislike me." he winces inwardly from his own words but doesn't dare to take his eyes off Kibum in fear of losing his composure.
"And then?"
Taemin takes a deep breath.
"Then I found out about Choi Minho." and he has expected it but still curses at the way Kibum's body stiffens and his eyes darken with memories and hurt. "I saw you getting hurt and cry. I saw you struggling. The perfect picture fell apart before my eyes and I..."
"Wait", Kibum suddenly interrupts him. His confusion is turning into anger. He stands up from his place. "You mean you don't hate me anymore because I had an affair with a married man? Is that what you are saying to me now?"
Taemin stands up as well and goes right in front of the other. He's death serious.
"It's not that I don't hate you now.", he says quietly, every word leaving his mouth with difficulty. "I've fallen for you."

The pure shock widens Kibum's eyes comically, it's the first time he's found speechless before the boy. He takes a step back, shaking his head not believing a single word.
"You don't know me, Taemin-ah. You can't say that..."
"But I think I know enough, don't I?" he can't give up now. He steps forwards again and grabs Kibum's wrists.
The elder glances down and the almond eyes are so full of regret that it makes his resolve tumble. The both of them are trembling.  
"I think you know too much."
Taemin understands it - the normal thing to do now it so let go of his husband's hands. He cares enough to know the other can't permit himself to fall apart even more before him. He knows his boundaries well enough. But he;s not an adult yet and decides it's fine to step over them. So instead of permitting Kibum to run away, he leans forwards and plants his plumps lips on his.
The kiss is technically not their first one. It's nothing special too, brief and light, just press of lips on lips. But his minds ignores it all as he fireworks explode behind his eyelids and butterflies unleash in his stomach. Colors finally splash around them, enveloping them in a warm sweetness.
"What do you want from me, Taemin?", Kibum whispers against his lips when they finally separate."What do you want from me?"

And it will be so easy to just lean and kiss him again. It will be a piece of cake to wrap his hands around his waist, to grab his tights. It's so close to mind to roll them down and on the rug and pull every cloth off.
But he knows it won't mean anything after. And Taemin had decided in this moment - this is it, this is what he wants and he will work for it. So he acts like an adult for the first time in his life and releases Kibum's wrists.
"And you?", he asks silently, gazing into his husband. "What do you need right now, Kibum-ah?"

He doesn't move an inch as he watches the other's back leaving the room.

Hm, I don't know how I feel about this chapter. Its quite different from what I had planned but I think the changes were needed.

It came quite hard at some parts and I think here and there is quite slow. And maybe boring? Hm... -_-
 

Thank's for reading!

I would realy love if you can comment if you like the story. Idk, it's really the only think an author can know ^^^

Sweet dreams from me!

PS: I had some problems with the formating, hope it's ok now.