THREE

I reached my hand out to push open the doors to the practice room when familiar music halted my steps.

“Baby don’t cry, tonight…”

I peeked through the small window on the door and saw a familiar figure dancing against the glare of the sunlight against the wooden tiled floors.

I’ve watched this particular dance on my computer so many times that I knew every move by heart. Watching Kai dance his solo dance live was even better than the tons of special effects loaded onto his dance video online. I could see his every breath, when he spins, jumps, and land ever so gracefully like the sensual dancer he was. He was back-facing the door, but even so his moves were so elegant that I wish I could engrave them deeply in my mind, such that I will never forget the way he danced it.

The music reached an end as Kai wrapped up his dance with one last spin. Then, he turned in the direction of the door and beckoned me in, laughing.

“Why didn’t you come in since you arrived Chloe?” Kai laughed, reaching down to grab his towel as he ran it through his hair.

“I didn’t want to disturb your practice.” I said, trying not to stare at him as he toweled himself dry. “It was really breathtaking, your dance.” I complimented honestly, blushing a little as I said it.

Confused, I looked at him then. “How did you know I was at the door?”

“There is a mirror right in front of me.” He laughed. “Did you forget? I saw you through it.”

“Oh yeah.” I said sheepishly. “I must be getting dumber as time passes.” I said to myself.

“Are you perhaps an EXO fan?” Kai asked, and I felt his stare on my back.

YES! My internal voice screamed in my head. And I’m a great fan of yours!

But the external me kept a cool face as I said, “Perhaps?” And I tried not to look suspicious as I stared back at him. Why does his eyes look so mysterious and so gorgeous??

Kai laughed. “Ah I wished you were one.” He said wistfully.

“You do?” I asked, not bothering to hide the surprise in my voice. “Why?” I probed, trying not to let my overflowing curiosity show. What did he mean by that??

“I mean… it’ll be great if we had such a nice and talented fan like you?” He replied hesitatingly. “I’m not too sure why I said that all of a sudden the way I did.” He laughed. “I suppose I must really like you?”

My face flushed red before I could gather my thoughts and I turned away in a hurry. I could feel my heart beating furiously. I know Kai didn’t mean what he just said in a literal way – I didn’t even bother giving myself the benefit of doubt. He said it as a casual side remark; there were no questions about that.

EXO’s ‘Growl’ came onto the stereo, and I watched as Kai started dancing to the beat.

With a smile, I joined him in the dance as the song hits its chorus.

“You know the moves well.” He observed. “Are you sure you’re not a fan?” He teased.

“Well that’s for me to know and for you to find out.” I joked cheesily. “Gosh I feel like I’m ruining the dance.” I laughed.

“You do it like this.” Kai demonstrated. “You put in strength in this move like this, and then you sweep in quickly like this.”

“Ah.” I said, realization dawning on me. “Like this?” I asked.

“Yeah, much better.” He approved.

I felt myself bursting with happiness. My dance idol just approved my dancing. All this seems too good to be true.

We continued dancing together to various other songs, forgetting the time as we practiced…

---

“Okay Chloe, you may take a break.” Toby said, turning off the music.

I looked around instinctively, but Kai was nowhere to be seen. Where did he go?

He disappeared a while after Toby came, and was nowhere in the studio after that.

I went out to get a drink to chill out as I wiped my sweat off.

As I headed back to the studio, I stopped in my tracks. The metal gates leading to the rooftop staircase was ajar – was that where he went?

Taking a swig of my drink I started climbing the stairs – boy do my legs hurt after a whole morning of dancing.

I peeked around the top of the staircase and sure enough there he was, a figure lying with his back to the ground as he faced the sky. From my distance I couldn’t make out what he was doing, and I inched closer.

“Jongin oppa?” I asked apprehensively, but he didn’t turn around.

I heard his muffled voice – was he on the phone with someone else?

As I got closer I realized he was asleep. His eyes were closed, but his facial features were far from that of a serene expression like I had expected. His eyebrows were scrunched together, as though he was having a nightmare in his sleep. My stomach felt like it was in a bunch of knots.

“Jongin oppa?” I called softly, reaching a hand out.

“Don’t go.” He mumbled, his hand searching for something in the air. I timidly reached out to him, in an attempt to offer him some comfort.

He grasped my hand and continued. “Do you not like me hyung? It’s all my fault, my fault…” He trailed off. “Don’t go…” He whispered, sounding like a helpless little boy that was abandoned. “Don’t go…”

My cheeks felt wet and I hurriedly ran the back of my hand over my eyes. I hadn’t realized I had started crying.

What was Kai dreaming about that was so terrible it haunted his sleep? I realized I had a vague idea of what it might be and the idea tears me apart. I felt so helpless right at this moment. There was nothing I can do to alleviate his pain.

Kai jolted awake right as I called out “Jongin oppa” between my tears, and he stared at me dumbfounded, taking in the situation – our tightly clasped hands, the tear streaks down my face, and our position on the roof.

“What-“ he started, and then stopped as realization dawned on him.

“Chloe.” He said softly, all traces of the hurt and abandoned boy from before gone. “Uljima.”

As he stared at me with those beautiful eyes of his, I could see that Kai, the Jongin oppa I met, was back again. But that did nothing to make me feel better. I now know that this is indeed the image he tended to portray to the public, that he was okay, that they were all okay. And if anything, that made me feel even more upset than before.

I was still unable to get any words out as I stared at him, and I shook my head hard, trying to let him know that I’m okay, that I’m not crying. I was getting really annoyed at myself – I was making Jongin oppa more burdened by being so weak.

“It’s okay.” Kai smiled, “Gwaenchanha.” He emphasized in Korean, and to my surprise, pulled me in lightly into a hug.

I know I shouldn’t be like this, but I allowed myself to relax in his strong arms.

Just this once. I thought to myself. Just this once when I’m going to be selfish because I like him so freaking much.

Just this once.