Taeyeon’s head filled with exploding underwater fireworks.  Oh my god, I just kissed Tiffany.  Was she dizzy from the drinks or the kiss?  She couldn’t tell.  The club swam around her, each second taking five.  Achingly slow, she watched a furrow form between Tiffany’s eyebrows, watched form words she couldn’t hope to hear, but Taeyeon could read those pink-tinted lips, and their words came as hard as a slap:  “What the , Taeyeon?”

Taeyeon’s triumph, filling her up with so much fizz she thought her feet might leave the floor, turned to a lead weight in her gut.  No, no no no.  She ed up.  She ed everything up.  Taeyeon thought she might vomit as she watched Tiffany whip around and stride toward the exit, slamming her unfinished drink on a nearby table, a large portion of it sloshing over the rim.

Go after her, you idiot blasted through her murky mind, and Taeyeon pushed her way through the crowd, trying to ignore the unsettling way the world seemed to move in her peripheral vision.  She shoved open the heavy metal doors of the exit and stepped into lamplight.  The chill of the night air on her sweat-coated skin was remarkably refreshing; she breathed deeply, praying it would make her sober up faster.  Stupid, stupid, stupid.  She knew she couldn’t hold her alcohol… why did she chug down that last drink?  Stupid.

She glanced up and down the street, peering through the line of people stretching down the block.  For a moment, she thought Tiffany had left already, had hailed a cab and got out of there as fast as she could.  It wouldn’t have surprised her.  Taeyeon deserved it, after all.  Let’s kiss your straight friend, hurrr hurrr!  What could possibly go wrong?!”

Finally, she spotted Tiffany standing outside the convenience mart across the street.  Taeyeon leaned over the curb, waited for a break in traffic, then started across.  In a momentary fit of angst and insanity, she pondered what Tiffany would do if she got hit by a car.  It would be like a scene ripped from a drama:  In slow motion, Taeyeon would turn, freeze, the headlights illuminating the terror on her face.  The camera would cut to Tiffany, her hand reaching out, beginning to run towards Taeyeon, screaming a drawn-out “Noooooooo!”

Taeyeon made it across the street without becoming a melodramatic plot point.  Slowing her pace as she approached, she tried to gauge Tiffany’s emotions as the other girl stared at her, through her.  Tiffany didn’t look angry.  Just… disappointed and sad, which was possibly worse.  Not feeling up to a face-to-face conversation, Taeyeon moved to Tiffany’s left, and they both focused on some spot across the street, neither wanting to look at one another.

Silence hung heavy in the air between them, while thoughts raged through Taeyeon’s brain, truths, lies, excuses, apologies.  That was a mistake.  I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to kiss you, I just, um… slipped.  I like you.  I thought maybe you might like me, too.  I’m sorry.  I’m drunk.  I love you.  I’m sorry.  I’m a moron.  I understand if you don’t want to talk to me or see me ever again.  I’m sorry.  I’m sorry.

“I’m--”

“Here, you should drink some water,”  Tiffany interrupted, pulling a bottle from the bag in her hand.  

Taeyeon took it and grew quiet again.  She could feel Tiffany’s eyes on her, but couldn’t bare to look her in the face.  She unscrewed the top of the bottle and took a long drink, grateful for an excuse to keep shut.

“There’s a bench over there.  Let’s go sit down; these heels are killing my feet.”  Taeyeon could identify the tone of voice Tiffany used when she was trying to hide darker emotions.  It was the tone she was using now, sweet and airy and empty, like cotton candy.

Taeyeon trailed behind her like a guilty dog caught raiding the garbage can or peeing on the rug.  The bench was at the edge of a small park nearby.  The metal was cold under her legs, seeping through her jeans, sending a shiver down the back of her neck.  Again, a cloak of silence fell over her as she tried to force herself to speak.   opened, then closed, then opened again.  She rolled the water bottle between her hands, read the label.  Naturally bottled spring water, purified from pristine Swedish rivers.  Somehow she doubted that.

“We need to talk.”  Tiffany’s voice was flat now, weary.

“Yes,” was all Taeyeon could say in response.  She spoke to the sidewalk.

Irritation creeped in.  “Can you at least look at me?  I don’t want to have a conversation with the side of your head.”

Like turning a rusty bolt, Taeyeon shifted her torso and neck to take in Tiffany’s face with her eyes.  The streetlight cast harsh shadows over her features.  Tiffany’s mouth was a tight pink line, and a muscle twitched in her jaw; she always grinded her teeth when she was upset.  Her eyes said nothing and yet everything.  They were cold, dead, unblinking.  Taeyeon made herself look, keep looking, don’t look away.  She had to soften those eyes somehow, those hard stranger’s eyes on her best friend’s face.  Her tongue felt thick and heavy in , too big, like she might choke on it.  “I’m sorry,” she tried, desperate, willing all she felt into those two words.

The ice melted, but only a little.  “What were you thinking?”

The truth was going to come out sometime, Taeyeon figured.  “Well, you kissed that one girl last week, and I thought, maybe you’d want to… kiss me… too….”  She trailed off, each word becoming softer and softer, until the last “too” was carried away by the wind.

“You were trying to get me drunk so you could kiss me.  That’s not okay.”

Unbidden, unwanted tears began to fall, and Taeyeon had to look away.  That was her plan, wasn’t it?  Hearing it spoken aloud made her feel like quite possibly the worst person on the planet.  What could she say to that?  “I know.  I’m an idiot and a creep and a loser.”  Her voice began to get muddled as her nose stuffed up.  “I don’t know what I was thinking.”

Tiffany’s words were steel clothed in silk.  She was clearly trying to not lose her temper.  “Okay, first off, if you want me to be attracted to you, you’re gonna need to stop the pity party, because it’s not something I’m into.  Second, I shouldn’t have to hear from Sooyoung that you like me.  You should’ve just told me yourself months ago.”

Taeyeon blinked.  “Sooyoung told you?”

“Yeah, she did, but don’t get mad at her.  She was yelling at me for kissing that girl, I was confused, and everything just kinda… came out.”  She sighed.  “Taeyeon… why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t want to make things weird between us.”  So much for that.

“Weird?  Why would it be weird?”

C’mon Tiffany, really?  “Because you’re straight.”

“Who says I am?”

Taeyeon took a deep breath, held it, exhaled.  “Aren’t you?”  For the first time, Tiffany looked hesitant, unsure.

Tiffany took a drink from her own water bottle and gazed up at the stars for a while, gears turning.  Finally, she answered.  “I’m not sure.”

“Oh.”

“I mean, I like guys. Pretty much all the time; I can’t shut up about them, you know that.  But maybe… maybe things aren’t as clear-cut as I thought.  We’ve gotten pretty close over the past few months, right?”  At Taeyeon’s nod, she continued.  “I like talking to you.  I like hanging out with you.  I like you...”

Taeyeon braced herself for “...as a friend” to follow, but it never came.  She brushed tears from her cheeks.  God, she hated feeling so vulnerable.  “Sooyoung wasn’t lying.  I like you.  A lot.  I’ve never met anyone like you before.”

“That thing you did back there… that hurt, you know?  It hurt my trust in you, and that’s going to take some time to recover.”  Tiffany had finally allowed the full extent of her pain to write itself across her face, and it made Taeyeon feel like someone had stuck a knife in her insides.  Repeatedly.

“I never wanted to hurt you.”  It was the very last thing she wanted, but what else could she expect with a stunt like that?  She was usually so good at thinking things through, yet she couldn’t have been bothered to think about Tiffany’s reaction when it was all said and done.  She hadn’t wanted to think about it.  Because then her mind would’ve led her to a conversation like the one they were having now, and she wouldn’t accept it.

“Well, you did.  And it’s something I’m going to have to think about for a while.”
 

Fresh, hot tears were threatening to spill.  It was over before it had even began.  Any seed that was planted was snuffed out before it could sprout.  Maybe we could’ve had something, but I had to ing ruin it.

“What do we do now?”  Taeyeon asked.  She couldn’t imagine going back in the club, but drinking herself into oblivion was starting to sound better and better.  She had never felt more miserable.

Tiffany drew her legs to her chest and wrapped her arms around them.  It was only 11, but she looked very, very tired.  “Right now, I’d just like to go home.”

Taeyeon pulled her phone from her pocket.  “Let me call you a cab.  I can get home alone.”

“No, that’s dumb.  We don’t need to take separate cabs and waste money when our dorm buildings are just a few blocks away from each other.”

As they left the cab, there was no “goodbye” or “see you tomorrow.”  No words at all.  Taeyeon felt like the silence would choke her.