October 14th, 2008

Postpartum depression, also known as postnatal depression, refers to a type of clinical depression which can affect women after childbirth. Symptoms may include sadness, low energy, changes in sleeping and eating patterns, reduced desire for , crying episodes, anxiety, and irritability.

He saw all the signs coming. After she had given birth to their beautiful baby girl, Joohyun, she had holed herself up in their room. He had found her crying once in a while, and when he questioned her about it, she just shoved him away, telling him she didn't want to see him. 

He would watch as she trudged around the house as if she was a zombie, a shell of her former self. She used to be so bright and active, laughing happily with him when he made stupid jokes. Now she would just walk away, not looking back at him, not even uttering a word. 

He would tell her to feed little baby Joohyun, and when he placed the precious girl into her mother's arms, he would subtly observe her every move. The way her eyes were blank when she looked at their daughter. The way she wouldn't say a word and not feed her. 

He was extremely worried, but he just put it passed him, hoping that it was just a phase that she would get over eventually.

But that was his biggest mistake.

Coming home after another unsuccessful day of trying to sell his songs to big time music and entertainment companies, he immediately felt an eeriness in the air. Dropping his suitcase on the floor, he rush through the halls of his apartment and roughly swinging the door of his daughter's small nursery open. 

He felt his shoulders immediately sag in relief when he saw little Joohyun sleeping peacefully in her bassinet. He quietly tiptoed over to her, observing her chest as it raised up and down. He smiled at her beauty. How could something so small be so beautiful? 

Leaning down, he pressed a gentle kiss on her forehead, the love in his eyes so evident. After making sure the baby monitor was working, he walked out of the room. But still, the eeriness of the small apartment lingered. 

Scrunching up his eyebrows in confusion, he roamed through the halls, wondering where his girlfriend was. Walking into the kitchen, he found a single note left on the bench, the handwriting oh so familiar. 

Jiyong oppa. I'm sorry but I can't do this anymore.

I thought that this was all I wanted but I can't go on living knowing that I can't fulfil my dreams. I'm sorry but I can't live like this anymore. Please know that I love you and I love Joohyun so much, but I need to do what's best for me now. 

I'm sorry... 

- Your Taengoo

He felt his knees give way causing him to crumble to the ground. His breathing became laboured as his vision blurred. This had be a dream. No. This had to be a nightmare. Re-reading the letter, he quickly got up to his feet and ran out of the apartment out onto the street. He looked left and right as people passed him by.

"Taeyeon-ah!" he yelled, drawing attention to him but he didn't care. "Taeyeon-ah!" he yelled again but there was no sign of her. He felt more tears burst out of his eyes as he roughly wiped them away. He trudged up the stairs, all the while trying to compose himself. 

Entering the small apartment, he heard the distressed cries coming from his baby girl's room. Rushing to her side, he gently lifted her into his arms and cooed at her, trying to calm her down. 

"Shhhh, baby girl. Daddy's here. Daddy's here. Don't cry anymore," he whispered, gently rocking her in his arms, her cries now down to a quiet hiccup. "That's a good girl. You're so brave," he smiled a watery smile as he placed her back into the bassinet. 

"Everything's going to be alright Joohyun-ah," he said quietly as he kneeled down beside the bassinet. "You don't have to worry okay? Daddy's always going be here for you," he said, placing her stuffed toy dragon within her reach. "I'm going to do everything I can for you Joohyun-ah. I'll try my best to give you the world. I love you so much," he quietly whispered, watching as her eyes slowly shut, her breathing evening out. 

That night was the first night he cried himself to sleep. 

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

September 26th, 2013

"Daddyyyyy," he heard from beside him, feeling the sleeve on his arm being tugged. 

"Hey there baby girl," he said with a smile, turning in his seat and lifting her up onto his lap.

"Daddy, come play with me," she cutely pouted, giving him her best puppy dog eyes. 

He laughed out loud to himself, the smile on his face bright. "Awww. How can I resist when you look at me like that?" he said. "Alright. Let's go!" he cheered, lifting her up and tossing her slightly in the air, her giggles echoing throughout the small apartment. 

"Let's go to the park daddy! I want to go on the swing!" she called out happily. 

"Alright. Anything for my princess," he smiled, placing her gently on the ground and taking her small hand in his. 

They made their way to the small park relatively close to their new apartment and he watched with pride when she ran towards the swing. "Come and push me daddy!" she called out to him, laughing joyously. 

He smiled and bowed to some of the other parents there with their kids, receiving a polite nod back, but he couldn't help but hear their whispers. "Hurry daddy! I want to go higher!" she kept calling out. He started pushing her gently, watching as she kicked her legs, going higher and higher.

He couldn't help but smile at the way she laughed. The way she enjoyed even the smallest things in life. Looking over at the other occupants of the small park, he saw the occasional points and whispers from the other parents. 

Looking back at his daughter, he couldn't help but feel somewhat ashamed of himself. He knew why they were talking about him. It was because of the tattered and worn out clothes his daughter had to wear. It was just another sign of the things he couldn't provide for her. 

But watching the way she smiled and how she was so carefree, it was a silver lining in the dark cloud that was his life. A life that he wished could be better so that his precious daughter would no longer suffer. 

***

January 26th, 2009

"Sorry. Just one second," he polite excused himself, bowing to the man before him. "Hello?" he answered the phone. 

"Yah! Where are you? I have an appointment soon and I can't watch your daughter anymore," he heard from the other side of the phone. 

"Hyung! Please, just give me fifteen minutes and I'll be back okay?"

"Alright. But hurry it up," he heard before the phone went dead. 

"Sorry again sir," he bowed. 

"Listen Jiyong-shi. What you have here, it's not bad, but it's not what we're looking for," the man said. 

"Please sir. Just listen to it. Please just give me a chance," he was practically begging. 

"I'm sorry Jiyong-shi but it's just not what we're looking for," he said, handing the sheet music back to him. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have another appointment to attend to," he dismissed, gesturing towards the door. 

Jiyong nodded his head, bowing deeply to the man before walking out of the door. He found it hard to keep his head up on the way back to his small apartment. Yet another rejection. He though this was it. This was the hit that someone would buy. It was the best song he had written to date, but still, no one gave him a single chance. And that was all he needed. Just one person to reach out their hand to help him. 

"There you are! Finally! This is getting old Jiyong-ah. I can't keep looking after your daughter. I have my own job and life I need to attend to," he said. 

"I'm sorry hyung," he bowed to the man before him. 

"Yeah, that's what you always say Jiyong-ah and I'm getting tired of hearing it. Don't you think it's time you gave up this dream and found a real job? One that actually has an income?"

"Hyung! I can't give up on my music! It's my life," he protested animatedly, before hearing the cries of his baby girl. 

The man sighed audibly, his shoulders sagging in defeat. He walked back into his apartment and brought out the crying baby, gently handing her to her father. "It's about time you realise that Joohyun is your life now. You can't let her suffer like this for the rest of her life. You need to learn that you no longer come first. She does," he told him sternly. "I need to go," he said before locking his apartment and walking away. 

He turned to watch him walking away, trying to quiet his crying daughter at the same time. Maybe he was right. He was being too selfish. He needed to know who came first in his life now, and it wasn't him. 

***

August 29th, 2011

"Look at how pretty this is daddy!" Joohyun called out excitedly as she ran towards a children's clothing store. "Daddy, look at it! Isn't it pretty? And it's pink as well," she said happily, grabbing the pink princess's dress off the rack. 

"It is pretty baby. It would look so pretty on my princess," he smiled. 

"Can we buy it? Please? Pretty please?" she begged him, her puppy dog eyes coming out. 

He smiled at his young daughter. Evidently, she was smart enough to know that was his one weakness. He gently grabbed the dress out of her hands and looked at the price tag attached to the collar. His eyes widened when he saw how much it cost and he faltered slightly. 

"I... I'm sorry baby, but it's a little bit expensive," he said tentatively, afraid to disappoint his daughter. 

"But I want it!" she said loudly, tears starting to form in her eyes as people started looking at the commotion.

"I'm sorry baby but it's too expensive," he told her soothingly, bending down to look her in the eyes. 

"But I want it," she said, this time merely a quiet whisper. 

"I know baby. And I know you would look just like a real princess in it. But I promise I'll get it for you soon okay? Just not now," he said, a small smile on his face. 

"Really?" she looked up hopefully. 

"Really. You'll be just like a princess," he smiled, wiping the snort that had started to dribble out of her nose. He gently picked her up and lifted her into his arms, happy that she was smiling again. 

***

September 10th, 2011

"Jiyong-shi! Jiyong-shi! I know you're in there. Open the door this instant," the loud voice rang throughout the apartment.

"Daddy? Who's that?" Joohyun asked, hugging her father's leg. 

"It's nothing sweety. Just go back into your room okay? I'll sort it out," he said with a soft smile. He gently pushed her towards her room, quietly closing the door. 

Making his way to the front door, he swung it open to find his landlord. "Well?" the man said with a raise eyebrow and his hand outstretched. Seeing the confused look on Jiyong's face he sighed. "Where's my money?" he asked again.

"Please sir. I just need a little bit more time. Please," he begged. 

The man shook his head and sighed even more. "I've given you more than enough time Jiyong-shi. Five months to be exact. I need my money now," he said. 

"Please sir. Please I'm begging you," he crumbled to the ground on his knees, his forehead almost resting on the ground. "Please. I'm begging you," he whispered, but his voice echoed throughout the apartment. 

Again he shook his head. "I want you out by the end of the week or I'm calling the police," he said before walking away, leaving Jiyong on his knees. 

***

September 13th, 2011

"Where are we going daddy?" Joohyun asked innocently, swing their arms as they walked down the sidewalk. 

"We're just going for a walk baby," he said emotionlessly.

"But how come you have all our stuff?" she continued to ask. 

"B... Because we need to find a new castle to sleep in."

"A castle?! So I get to be like a real princess?!" she asked excitedly. 

"Yep! And I'll be your knight in shining armour, always there to protect you," he said, trying his best to be enthusiastic. He led them down the stairs towards the subway, hoping to get some sort of shelter. Looking down the tunnel, he saw there were barely any people around this late at night.

"Oh no!" he suddenly said, catching his daughter by surprise. 

"What?" she asked, suddenly frightened.

"Look out! There's a dragon coming after us! I have to protect my princess," he said dramatically, all the while hoping his idea would work, and evidently it did when he saw the smile on her face. 

"Protect me from the dragon daddy!" she giggled happily.

"Oh no! It's too strong. We have to retreat back to the castle!" he called, taking her hand and leading her towards a vacant restroom. "Phew. I think we'll be safe in here. He can't get us in here," he said with relief. 

"Thank you for protecting me my knight in shining armour," Joohyun said before kissing him on the cheek, her eyes shining with innocence.

He couldn't help but cry himself to sleep that night, Joohyun's head resting on his lap. He blocked her ears with his hands as the door to the restroom started rattling, before someone started to knock on the door.

He knew he was a failure, and he had finally hit rock bottom. He had to be better. Not for himself. It was never for himself anymore, and it never would be. It was for Joohyun. 

***

"Daddy?" her soft voice brought him down to Earth. 

"Huh? What is it sweetie?"

"You stopped pushing me," she pouted cutely. 

"Oh. Sorry baby. I was just thinking about something. Come on. Let's go on the slide!" he said enthusastically. "Race you there!" he said before taking off in the direction of the slide, hearing her beautiful laugher just behind him. 

It wasn't pretty, his life. But he was slowing putting the pieces together. He had gotten a part-time job at a local restaurant as a bus boy. It wasn't a lot, but it was enough to pay his rent and the daycare fees he needed to pay. 

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

October 14th, 2013

"Noona?"

"Huh?" she was startled by the sudden voice. 

"Did you hear anything I just said?"

"I'm... I'm sorry Baekhyun-ah. I just spaced out for a second. What were you saying?" she smiled at him. 

"I said I think I like you noona. I think... I think I love you," he said bravely, watching for her reaction. 

Taeyeon's eyes widened in momentary shock, not knowing what to do. "I... Baek. This is only our first real date. Don't you think you're moving a little fast?" she tried to say.

"I know what my heart feels noona. I love you," he said before pulling her in for a kiss. Her eyes widened before she pushed him away from her. 

"I... I'm sorry. I can't do this," she said. "I'm sorry. I just need some time to think," she apologised. 

He sighed audibly before unbuckling his seat belt. "Sorry. It's my fault. I shouldn't be so forward," he said. "Just think about it okay? I'll wait for your call," he said before kissing her on the cheek and walking back to his apartment. 

She sat in her car quietly for a few moments before getting back some composure and driving back to her dorm. Quietly entering the dorm, she saw all of the lights off, indicating that the girls were probably already asleep. 

Quietly shutting the door behind her, she felt her legs go weak as she crumbled to the ground. Tears streamed down her cheeks as her breathing became laboured. 

"What's going on? Omo! Taeyeon-ah!" she heard from nearby as footsteps came rushing towards her. "Taeyeon-ah! What's going on? What happened?" the familiar voice of Tiffany was heard but she couldn't stop the tears from falling. She quickly threw herself at Tiffany as she buried her face into the other girl's shoulder, ready to cry her heart out. 

"What happened?" Sunny asked as the rest of Girls' Generation came out. 

"I don't know. I just heard some noises and when I came to check it out I found her crying," she explained. "Shh Taeyeon-ah. Everything's going to be alright," she whispered into her ear. 

"Come on. Let's get her to the couch," Hyoyeon said as they pulled her towards the couch. They all gathered around her and tried their best to soothe her. It took quite some time before her tears dried up, only hiccupping now. 

"Hey... tell us what's wrong Taeyeon-ah. We're here for you," Tiffany said quietly, her arms still wrapped around the smaller girl. 

"Weren't you with Baekhyun before unnie? Omo! Did he do something to hurt you? If he did, tell me. I'll kill him," Sooyoung said menacingly, punching her fist into her open palm. 

She quietly shook her head, dabbing at her tears with a tissue. "He didn't do anything wrong," she said quietly. 

"Then how come you're crying unnie? You're worrying us," Seohyun said.

"He just... he told me he loved me and... I don't know," she finished lamely, staring down at her hands. 

"That's it? That's what you're crying about?" Tiffany asked, mildly surprised. 

"No... there's something else. Something I've kept hidden from you girls for a long time," she started, unsure of herself. 

"What? What is it? You're starting to scare us unnie," Yoona said quietly. 

"I... I don't know if I can tell you. You'll think I'm a monster," she said. She instantly felt arms wrap around her, the warmth spreading through her body. 

"No matter what, we're here to support your unnie. More than team members, we're friends. Sisters. We'll support you," Yuri said encouragingly, a serene smile on her face. 

She sighed audibly, falling back onto the couch, hoping to somehow regain her composure. "Before I joined SM with you girls... there was this boy," she started.

***

December 14th, 2007

"You're so beautiful Taeyeon-ah," he whispered, their foreheads gently pressed together. "I want to be like this for the rest of our lives. Just me and you," he said before capturing her lips with his own. 

"Just me and you," she repeated, the smile on her face so bright it could blind someone. 

"I'm going to give you the world babe. Whatever you want. Just wait until I sell these songs and I'll be able to treat you like a queen," he promised her. "I... I'm sorry about your parents," he said tentatively. 

"Huh? No, don't be sorry. If they can't accept our love then whatever. I don't need them," she said defiantly. "As long as I have you, I don't need anything else," she smiled before kissing him tenderly.

"Don't worry babe. We'll show them. You'll become a famous singer and I'll write all of your songs. Everyone will know the name Kim Taeyeon and G-Dragon," he said excitedly, spinning her around, her laughter echoing through their apartment. 

"G-Dragon?" she couldn't contain her giggles. 

"Yeah. You don't like it? G-Dragon. As in Jiyong. Ji. Yong. G. Dragon. I thought it was pretty clever," he laughed embarrassingly.

"No, I love it. You're my G-Dragon," she laughed, pulling him into yet another kiss. 

***

March 4th, 2008

"Oppa!" she called out when she entered their small apartment. 

"I'm in the kitchen babe!" came the reply. "Hey," he said tenderly when he saw the love of his life enter. "What's up? What's that smile about?" 

She didn't say anything. She just went up to him and circled her delicate arms around his torso, her head her resting against his chest. "Oppa... I'm pregnant," she said quietly, listening to the sound of his heartbeat. 

"What?" the shock on his face evident. "Oh my god. Are you serious?" He couldn't help the smile that was forming on his face. 

"I'm six weeks along. I just went to the doctor's office," she confirmed. 

"Oh my god. I'm gonna be a daddy?" he asked in disbelief.

"You're gonna be a daddy," she said, tears trickling out of her eyes. She drew him into a hug and they stayed like that for a long time, just savouring the wonderful news. 

***

October 14th, 2008

She stood over the bassinet and watched the little girl in front of her sleeping peacefully. She didn't know what was wrong with her. Whenever she looked at Joohyun, she should've felt an undying love. But... all she felt was empty. All she wanted to do these days was be alone and cry. 

"I'm sorry Joohyun-ah. I'm sorry I'm not strong enough," she whispered before exiting the room. Making her way into the kitchen, she placed the hand written note she wrote before on the kitchen counter, breathing in a heavy sigh. "I'm sorry Jiyong oppa," she whispered to herself again. 

That night, she felt like a monster. She had abandoned her child in their apartment alone. She had left their daughter under the care of her father. That she wasn't worried about. She knew Jiyong was an amazing father that doted on Joohyun. 

Finding a bar far away from their apartment, she settled herself by the bar, her suitcase beside her. She consumed shot after shot of hard liquor, ignoring the warning from the bartender that she was drinking too much. But she didn't care. She just wanted to drown in her sorrows. 

It got to the point where she grabbed the microphone from the stage and started to sing, the alcohol running through her veins dictating her actions. But that's when her life would turn around. Little did she know, multiple personnel from SM Entertainment were there for their regular drink up on a Friday night and that's when they discovered her. 

That was the turning point in her life. But never once in her life did she ever forget Jiyong or Joohyun. She thought about them everyday. And even though she was able to achieve her dream by debutting, she was eaten up by regret every second she lived. 

***

October 14th, 2013

"I hate myself for being weak. I hate myself for not being stronger. I hate myself for abandoning them like that," she cried. She couldn't see the shocked faces around her as the girls looked at one another, not knowing what to say. 

"Tae..." Tiffany tried to say, but she was speechless. 

"I'm sorry," she continued to cry. 

"Unnie, everything's going to be alright," Yoona tried to soothe her. 

"I just want my baby girl back," she whispered hoarsely. 

"Do... Does the company know about this?" Sunny asked hesitantly. 

She slowly nodded her head, trying to wipe away the tears. "I had to tell them when they asked me to audition. They know everything," she whispered. 

"Then we can ask them to help us find them," Sunny said. 

She just shook her head. "Don't you guys think I'm horrible? I abandoned my own daughter for god's sakes," she started to cry again. 

"We might not agree with what you did unnie, but we understand," Yuri said. "My mother went through a mild case of postpartum depression as well. Maybe not to the extent that you had it, but I understand. We'll do everything we can to help you find them," she said, squeezing Taeyeon's free hand. 

"B... But what about Girls' Generation? Will the fans understand?" she whispered hoarsely.

"It doesn't matter unnie. Our real fans will stand by us and continue to support us," Yoona said defiantly.

"Thank you all so much for understanding," she said as she pulled them into a big hug. "I'm sorry for not tell you all earlier," she whispered, but they just tightened the hug. 

"We're always here for you Tae. No matter what."

_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

October 21st, 2013

"So what does my princess want to do today?" 

"Um...." she said, pondering cutely. "OH! I know! Let's go watch a movie!" she said excitedly, jumping up and down on their bed. 

"A movie? Alright, let's go then," he said, lifting her up off the bed and placing her on the ground.

They made their way, hand-in-hand, towards the bus station where they boarded it to travel towards the movie theatre. It wasn't a luxury they got to indulge in often, but he had started to save up more money, and anyway he could spoil his daughter, he would.

"Daddy, look!" she called out excitedly as she let go of his hand and ran down the halls of the theatre. "Hurry daddy!"

He slowly walked over to where she was, understanding why she was so excited. But his blood ran cold the moment he saw it. 

"Look daddy. It's a real princess," she fawned over the cardboard cutout of a princess. "Can we watch this movie daddy? Please? Pretty please?" she begged him, tugging on his arm cutely. 

Jiyong could only stare at the cardboard cutout in surprise and shock. Standing before him was the person that made his heart swoon, and at the same time she was the one that broke his heart. Kim Taeyeon, the star of the new remake of the Korean version of Cinderella. 

He knew everything that happened to her after she left. How could he not? It wasn't like he stalked her or continuously looked her up. It was just all over the news and internet.

Kim Taeyeon, elderest member of SM's super idol group Girls' Generation who debuted in 2009. Kim Taeyeon, known as the trainee that trained for the shortest amount of time in SM before debut, only a few months. Kim Taeyeon, the nation's sweetheart, the girl that everyone adored. 

"Daddy?" Joohyun called out to him quietly, still tugging on his arm. 

"Huh? Oh sorry sweetie," he apologised. 

"What's wrong daddy?" she asked innocently. 

"Nothing's wrong sweetie. So what movie did you want to watch?" he asked, bending down to her level. 

"The princess movie! Isn't she pretty daddy?" she asked excitedly. 

"Yeah, she's pretty," he smiled, trying to hold back the tears that were forming in his eyes. "But she's not as pretty as my princess," he said, lifting up Joohyun into his arms, eliciting giggles from his daughter. 

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October 28th, 2013

"Are you sure it's this one Tae? It looks a bit..." Tiffany asked from the back seat, a look of disgust on her face. 

Taeyeon looked up at the dim light coming out of the small apartment. "Yeah, this is the one," she said quietly. 

"Are you sure you want to go through with this? We can just head back to the dorm if you're not ready," Sunny suggested quietly. 

"No. I need to see my baby. I need to know she's okay," she said, getting out of the car. 

"Well, we'll be out here if you need us okay? Fighting," they encouraged her. 

She sent them a small appreciative smile. Quietly closing the door, she slowly walked up to the apartment, her thoughts all over the place. It had been two weeks since she had told her members and it took them two weeks to be able to track them down. 

She stood in front of the small apartment just staring at the door for what s