If you can, I recommend listening to 'Gentle rain sounds' or 'Thunderstorm sounds" on youtube or something when reading this! I listened to it when writing it and it really adds a whole new dimension. And it makes everything more emotional. haha.

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x

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I always thought I was better off independent, without a friend. But maybe what I actually needed all this time was company. If I think about it, the people I have been closest to in my life, the people I trusted, they left me to fend for myself.

I thought my dad was here to protect me, he was the only person I had left, my only real friend. But he left me. He knew he was leaving me in this horrible world, but that didn’t stop him. He didn’t even say goodbye. Of course he had his own personal problems to deal with, but I really thought we were in it together.

Today, I am visiting my dad’s grave. It is something I do every month. I go and sit and talk to him for a while, about everything. The only person I can vent all my feelings to is him. I just wish he could give me some advice in return.

I make a small detour to the local florist and buy some daffodils as usual. Yellow was his favourite colour.

I take small and steady steps towards my dad as I spot his name engraved into the stone. My nose tingles as my eyes brim with tears. Just one more time. One more chance to hug my dad. That is all I could dream of.

I take a deep breath and kneel in front of the grave. “Hi… daddy.” I end up whispering.

“Things have been going as usual. Mum is out on a holiday again with her new husband. He could never replace you. He is never even around enough to be close. You know, this week I made a friend. He is really kind. Nobody has ever been nicer to me except for you. He… he told me that he liked me, but I told him we should stay as friends. If I lose him as a friend, I don’t know what I would do. I feel so much safer at school knowing he is there to look out for me. On the other hand, one of his friends is a dickhead.” I pause and chuckle slightly, thinking how my dad would have scolded me if he were here for using such language.

“Sorry, daddy. But that is really what he is. He always acts weird around me, and only me, then he acts rude, then he just appears out of nowhere. I seem to be always running into him… literally.” I think back to the first time I came in contact with Seungyeon.

“Daddy. Yesterday something weird happened. I felt happy. It was the same way I felt when you used to push me on the swings at the park when I was little, or when you taught me how to ride a bike and I ended up beating you in the race. It was such a weird feeling. Why…” I felt the hot tears beginning to travel down my cheek. “Why haven’t I felt happy for so long? Is my life really that amusing? Why is it that every night I stay up so late, I am so tired my eyes hurt, but I can’t sleep because… I don’t want to wake up the next day.”

I took this chance to place the flowers in front of his stone.

Loving father of Kim Kira.

I swiped my fingertips over those words. He was a loving father. One of the most loving in the world, but why do I still feel so angry towards him.

“I can’t hurt myself. I can’t do what you did.” I felt myself suddenly heating up with anger.

A sudden boom startled me slightly. Thunder. Then the heavy rain began. It poured down and I sat there for who knows how long crying in the rain, hysterical.

“Dad, why can’t you answer my questions? Why did you leave? Why did you leave me all alone?” I shouted, crying.

“I’m not a coward like you. I know deep down I am strong, I will get through this. Because if I leave, mum would be sad. She… she loves me. Right dad?” I stare at the grey stone. I can’t help it but scream. I notice the yellow daffodils drowning in the rain. Why do they seem to be reflecting exactly how I feel?

I make my way out of the cemetery. I have no bag, no phone, no money and it is pouring down rain with loud bangs of thunder. But I really don’t feel like going home right now, I can't stand to go into the house that my dad brought me up in. There isn’t even a photo of him there, anywhere. Why did we all forget him so easily? Is that what he wanted? I wonder if he thought that if there were no memories of him around I could move on easier, but all the good memories I have are with him.

I somehow found myself just walking the streets of Seoul with no destination in mind. I copped weird looks from strangers hiding under their umbrellas. I was covered completely in rain and it was like I had just fallen into a pool fully clothed.

It was starting to get dark and the sky was a dark blue. Who knows how long I had been aimlessly walking around, but my feet were aching and I was freezing cold. But emotional pain stands to be much more than the physical. I just felt this awful internal grieving as well as heated anger. I was finally expressing all the pain from my father’s passing so many years later. I tried to be okay, but everything was just building up inside. Now it was all coming as one big rush and I felt like I was about to collapse.

I saw a small shop selling flowers and noticed the endless amount of bright yellow daffodils on display. Without thinking I grabbed a handful of them and threw them into the gutter stepping on them aggressively. “Stupid daffodils, stupid yellow, stupid dad.” I didn’t care about the obvious eyes all around me.

I pounded my foot harder and harder into the ground until the daffodils were unrecognisable, screaming every time I slammed my foot harder. “Miss, calm down.” I felt someone holding me back but I struggled out of their grip until I felt more hands on me.

“Stop! Leave me alone!” I shouted, trying my best to escape their grip.

In the distance I heard a familiar voice. “I am very sorry, mam. Here, I will pay for the flowers.”

Then he appeared in front of me. “I am very sorry for the inconvenience everyone. She had a bad day, I will get her home now, and there is no need to worry.”

He took me by my arm and led me away from the main street. He sheltered us under his umbrella, though it really didn’t do much use to me already in this state.

I turn to him, “Seungyeon.” He doesn’t respond. “Let me go.” I state but he grabs my arm restraining me from moving anywhere but the direction he is travelling in. I can’t do anything but follow silently. I think I have calmed down after my anger episode a few minutes prior, but Seungyeon was starting to get on my nerves. Was he trying to help me?

“What is wrong with you?” He said to me.

“Me? You are the one forcefully dragging me to God knows where.” I scoff.

“Are you serious? I just saved you from your own public embarrassment.” He says without even turning to look at me.

“That was none of your business. I don’t need you to help, I don’t even know you.” I say, anger building up.

“Well I don’t suppose you have the money to pay for $100 worth of ruined daffodils, do you?” He asks and I lower my head to answer ‘no’, too ashamed to say it.

“Exactly. If I wasn’t there you might have spent the night in jail.”

“Maybe that is where I belong. In a dark cold cell. Sounds nice to me. None of you idiots can bother me in there.”

I feel Seungyeon push me into what I assume to be his car, then he quickly runs around to the opposite side to get into the driver’s seat, trying to avoid the pouring rain.

He starts the car and turns towards me but I just turn my head to look out of the window.

“Where do you live?” He asks, waiting.

“I live in my house.” I say. The thought of my big, cold and lonely house makes me internally shudder.

“Look, Kira, I am just trying to help here. You are obviously freezing cold, let me take you back to your house.” He says, his hand impatiently tapping on the steering wheel but his voice remaining calm.

I manage to mumble out my address and the car begins to move.

Something is quite entertaining about the rain drops falling down on the outside of the car window. I remember when I was little I used to watch them race each other and I would try to pick which one would reach the bottom of the window first. Somehow, watching the raindrops made me smile. A small smile, but still a smile.

After minutes of silence, Seungyeon speaks up. “W-why were you so angry before, if… you want to share.” He always sounds so nervous talking to me, yet before he did sound stern.

Usually I would tell him it is none of his business and he should just take me to my house and stay out of my business, but the guy seemed to be really making an effort.

“Because the person I love the most left me. They made my life even worse than what it was. They are gone, but I have the right to be angry, don’t I?” I say turning my head in his direction. I’m not quite sure if I expect an answer or not.

I see him gulp before he answers, “Maybe they weren’t the best person in your life, if they so knowingly made your life horrible.”

I turn my head towards the road and answer him, “That’s the thing. How are you supposed to feel if the people you love also treat you like trash?”

“I know I don’t know your situation, and you don’t have to tell me, but are you okay? Are you really okay? Answer me truthfully, Kira.” Seungyeon states.

“Why would it matter to you if I am okay or not?” I say coldly and he takes a deep breath.

“I know I seem like a horrible person to you at the moment, but I am honestly not a bad person. Please believe me. And please answer me, are you okay? You looked so unstable when I saw you on the street a few minutes ago, I am worried.”

“Okay? I’m most likely not going to go jump off a bridge any time soon if that is what you mean by ‘okay’.” I say.

“That is good to hear, but I mean in general, are you okay? Are you well?”

“Of course not. My life is , I’m a loner, my mum couldn’t care less about me and people like you still see me as invisible, and you always will.” I manage to say without stuttering.

“People like me?” Seungyeon turns his head towards me for a split second before returning his glance back to the road.

“Yeah, people like you. That is the thing, people actually like you, guys want to be you, and girls want to be with you. And me, I’m a loser. Maybe you haven’t heard of that species at school because your head is held way to high.”

x

He stayed silent until we reach my house.

“Thanks. You helped me. So… yeah, thanks.” I awkwardly nod towards Seungyeon and run towards my front door. I hear his footsteps and the splashing water behind me.

After opening my door I turn, “What-“  

He interrupts, “Just making sure you get in safe.”

I nod. “Well… here I am… you know you can go now?”

But he stands in the same position nervously staring at me.

“Actually… if would be really great if you could let me take a shower. My house is far, I am freezing, and come on… it is the least you could do.” He pleads.

After contemplating I realise all the trouble he did go through to get me here. Who knows where I would be right now if he didn’t drive me home. I nod and make way for him to enter my house.

“After me of course.” I say and he nods.

X

After having a shower and finally getting into some warm clothes I go downstairs to see Seungyeon still in the same awkward position at my doorstep, careful not to make anything wet.

He looks up at me. “It’s all yours.” I say. I have never seen him run that fast before. He bolts up the steps to disappear until his head pops around the corner. “Where is the bathroom?” He says, embarrassed.

“Second door on the right.” I reply, drying my hair. He nods in return.

I can’t help but get out the only family photo book we have in the house. I turn each page until I finally find the photo I am looking for – the only photo I have of me and my dad. I take it out of the plastic sleeve and stare at it for a moment.

The face of this little girl is so different to the face I now see in the mirror. So happy. She had her whole life ahead of her. Now, who knew she would be standing here, so broken and so hurt.

//

WOW a really depressing chapter. I actually cried when I wrote this... too many emotions lol. This took so long to write but I have been writing continuously for more than an hour now, so I am happy to finally get this chapter up. More Seungyeon in this chapter <3

And I am obsessed with MAMAMOO, they are such amazing singers and who doesn't love Hwasa? I have been listening to them all day.

THANKYOU FOR READING