Where Fear Lives
 

“Just once in a day, I remember you, miss you
Just once in a day, I try to forget
This can’t be right, this can’t be right
If this isn’t right, then what am I supposed to do?

Distraught, gone crazy
If I endlessly call out
Will you take a last glance?"

Jung Yonghwa

“We should fix this part. It still doesn’t sound right.” Yonghwa explained to Jonghyun. His band mate nodded in agreement.

“Yeah, something seems off.”

It was almost midnight but they were still working on a new song.

“You look exhausted, Hyung.” Jonghyun stated while watching his leader worriedly. “Can you still not get a proper sleep? It’s been weeks, actually months already…”

“Ah, it’s alright.” Yonghwa played it down like he usually did. He restrained himself from massaging the bridge on his nose. It was true, he did feel exhausted. But above all he felt empty. Sometimes he wondered if he could ever laugh freely again – if the weight upon his heart would ever vanish. However, he didn’t want his brothers to worry about him any more than they already did. After all it was the punishment he deserved for his behaviour in the past.

“How can it be alright? You’ve been like this since Shinhye-yah and you… Well it has been like this for too long. Shouldn’t you consider seeing a doctor about it? I know you put on a straight face in front of the Dongsaengs but you can’t fool me. You are not over her and keeping it all to yourself won’t heal anything. You need to take care of your health!”

Jonghyun was usually not the type to interfere with someone’s personal life too much. Normally he would only share advice if asked. Hearing him say those words made Yonghwa realise how much he must worry about him.

“I will be better.” Yonghwa tried convincing his younger brother half-heartedly. “It’s just that I still miss her so much. I’ve never been without her, since we met all those years ago. Even when I went on “We got married” we at least talked on the phone. Not seeing her, not even being able to hear her voice anymore… It’s like she left this huge hole within me when we stopped talking and I can’t seem to fill it, doesn’t matter how hard I try.”

“But why won’t you talk to her then? Why would you want to cheat your way out of it by trying to replace her in some way? It won’t work, Hyung. You miss her and I am sure she misses you, too.” Jonghyun gave his best to convince Yonghwa. He did already lose count on how many times he had tried to do so before.

“Because she said she doesn’t want to see me anymore. She said I hurt her too much.” Yonghwa stated stubbornly, his voice suddenly becoming hoarse by the mere thought of it.

“Hyung, how could you take her words literally? It’s been months already. You’ve been so close all these years. There is no way she could actually cut you from her life. I don’t even believe she wanted this. It’s not like you are able to really let her go either. Why do you guys have to keep torturing each other instead of finally sorting things out?”

“Because she doesn’t love me anymore and I can’t blame her for it. She loves him now.” Yonghwa answered agonized.

“I don’t believe that. Hyung, you may have hurt her with your jealousy and mistrust but she is not the kind of person who would simply fall out of love because of that. She couldn’t; your bond is way too strong. Why is it that you can’t seem to understand this when it is actually you who knows her better than anyone else?”

“Jonghyun-ah, it might have been like that in the past... but she also told me that I hurt her more than anyone else ever did. I get it now but what’s the use? She has Lee Minho by her side already. She doesn’t need me anymore. I’ve ruined everything. The only thing I can do for the both of us right now is letting her go. She wants to forget me and I need to forget, too.”

“Aish… Hyung, seriously, will you stop this nonsense? It is Shinhye-yah we are talking about. How would you ever be able to forget her?” Jonghyun asked in annoyance. He wanted to shake his older brother so badly – make him wake up from his depression, but Yonghwa looked so hopeless that he instead was worried sick about him.

Jonghyun even started to wish back the old Yonghwa who was throwing fits and being a jerk right after their break up. That guy at least somehow seemed alive. The person sitting in front of him now, however, was only a shadow of his former self.

“Jonghyun-ah, just let it go. Don’t make it any harder for me than it already is. I’d rather concentrate on fixing this part.” Yonghwa dismissed their current topic and pointed at the music sheet. “I know you mean well but I can’t do this right now.”

*****

One week later
 

It was just another sleepless night for Yonghwa. During daytime he was pretending not to think about Shinhye anymore and his younger brothers were usually considerate enough not to mention her. Even the far too straight forward Jonghyun had been holding back and the CNBLUE leader was grateful for it.

For Yonghwa every morning was like another battle. Despite feeling like he had been run over by a train he would try his best to get up and work his way through the daily routine. As long as he could keep himself busy, as long as he was not reminded of her, he was somehow able to pull through. He was most afraid of the nights though.

Whenever Yonghwa’s schedule ended, whenever it got quiet around him, all of his memories of Shinhye and their fateful past came crushing down on him mercilessly. He wanted to scream but his throat would be corded. He wanted to hit something but there was no strength left. He wanted to cry, because his heart was in so much pain but his tears had run dry. Despite feeling heartbroken it seemed like all of his other emotions had departed from his body. Actually he felt soulless.

In the end he tried to escape the weight of his gloomy heart by working on some more music, just like what he had been doing for weeks or better months now. He would only allow himself to speak about Shinhye to a blank sheet of paper, since he neither wanted to hear advice nor criticism anymore.

Yonghwa was quietly playing the intro of his latest piece of work while thinking about a good chorus when the sound of his phone disrupted the calm melody.

As soon as he recognized the name of the person calling him at this hour his heart started racing like it hadn’t done in months. He was somehow excited and scared at the same time, wondering about what on earth could have led to this call. With shaking hands he finally answered his mobile.

“D-Deh?” Yonghwa managed to say. He felt out of breath even though he was motionlessly sitting on his bed like an ice sculpture, not daring to move a single muscle. His mind was running in circles, trying to figure out what to say next. He was anxious about making another mistake.

“Yong-ah” Shinhye’s trembling voice sounded through the speaker, making Yonghwa’s heart immediately become heavy.

It was as if the freezing cold shower running down his spine already told him everything. She didn’t call, because she wasn’t angry anymore and wanted to make up with him. She called, because something terrible must have happened.

“Yong-ah... I really need my best friend right now.”

Yonghwa didn’t need to hear anything else. He was already up and collecting his car keys and some disguises before he got off the phone to her. In the back of his mind he realised that it didn’t matter why she called so much. The fact that she called him was most important. It was his chance on proving that she put her trust in the right person – his chance of perhaps finally get along well again and there was no way he was going to miss it.

“Just wait for me. I’ll be there in thirty minutes.” Yonghwa told her, trying to sound calm and reliable.

He rushed past Jonghyun who was getting something to drink from the kitchen.

“Where are you off to at this hour?” The younger one asked irritated when he watched his Hyung hurriedly stumbling out of his room as if he’d been chased by a ghost.

“I need to see Shinhye-yah right now. I don’t know when I’ll be back. Try to push back the meeting with CEO Han in the morning.” Yonghwa quickly instructed his vice leader.

Jonghyun just nodded, still being stunned with what was happening. But when his older brother shut the door behind him he broke into a slight smile.

It was just about time, Hyung! Jonghyun thought satisfied and somehow relieved.    

*****

Yonghwa had never been this nervous visiting Shinhye’s apartment before. Since he didn’t know what had actually happened to her yet and because they hadn’t seen each other for such a long time he couldn’t seem to figure out the right way to approach her once they would finally meet again.

He eventually reached her door and attempted to ring the bell. However, right before he could, he became curious. Maybe… Just maybe…

It was delusional but he really wanted to know if she had kept the door code she used to have when they were still dating. As composed as possible he entered the pin, not knowing what to wish for. If she had changed it, he would feel devastated. If she had kept it, he would feel even more confused and guilty than he already did wondering if he really interpreted all of her actions wrongly.

When they were still an item only the both of them knew about the code. It was the date of their very first real kiss, which he would never be able to forget. He still remembered how he felt like in freefall when he captured the softness of her lips. His heart was almost jumping out of his chest when she returned his kiss while ca