-IRENE-

"Good morning. And oh, welcome back."

That voice sounds familiar to me. I forced myself to sit up although it's hard and looked at my hands. I saw the needle wrapped in bandage around my wrist. Uh, here we go again.

"Why didn't you just let me doc?"

"Just doing my job miss bae, if only i have a choice."

"And?"

"And" she shot me a glare " your father owns this hopital future Dr. Bae"

Honestly, i just wanted to be called doctor bae. It's nothing, i just wanted to feel more burdened.

I always end up being here. This would be my favorite vacation place since my first attemp.( enter the bitterest sarcastic tone )

I cut my wrist, maybe four years ago since my granma died, the only one who always take my side besides my mom. I tried it again when they entered me in med school because i don't want to be a doctor, then it happened again. I discovered that i have a major depressive disorder. And it happen again and again. Overdose, suffocation, drowning... My body's strong though, it wont break. Although it's not the real reason i'm doing all of this. There's part of me that wanted to die but mostly my deeper reason is because it's the only way for them to know that i needed help, cause i don't know how to get out of it. I Don't want to die, i just want the  pain to STOP.

Then now, because of mino.

They used to say to me that " dear, please don't do this. We can fix everything" it goes with crying too. But now? They just say " do you really want to die irene?! Do you want me to kill you?!" 

" sure thing," i said to my dad. " i would loved to dad."

" what do you want irene??" He yelled at me " attention?! You already had all of our attention!" 

I just looked at him straight in his angry eyes.

" i don't want your attention" i averted my gaze. "HELP.. I need help."

He just let out a sigh and eventualy got out of the room. My mom walked near to me but i can't understand anything she's trying to say. Nothings getting inside my head. I can't understand anything of what she's saying because it's so LOUD inside my head. I covered my ears, closed my eyes and shouted. I'm tired of fighting. I want to give up. So i shouted more, then i just felt a prickling pain in my arms and everything slowly blur, i felt my eyelids close, i eventualy got escaped just for a little time.

But briefly enough, i slowly got hold of my senses again. I felt a warm hand that is holding my own.

"Rene, you okay?" I eyes shut open and lookes at him. Mino. There's tears in his eyes threatening to fall. " im sorry." Then tears drop on my hand that his holding.

I don't know why but it saddens me when i get to see him. Disappointed. Its like it's not him that who i expected to see and i feel more burdened. It just get harder.

I removed his hands on mine and looked outside. We're the only ones in here i don't know about the others whereabouts. Then he gave me the flowers.

" i was wrong rene, i'm really sorry."  I saw his tears again. I am getting swayed again, i'm going to be fooled again. "Please, baby. I love--"

" get out." I harshly spat out before i give in again.

" rene, please.."

I looked at him, "i don't want you here. So can you just get out?" And i avoided his eyes again.

I heard his footsteps and the door opening and closing. My chest ached and my body is shaking. My head is drowning in sadness again and i remember the time when i was so happy mino came in my life, three years ago. I haven't even moved on from the death of my granma that time. He replace her. He's my first love, he made me happy again. He's always with me. But in the end he's the one who left me. Then i proved that no one can really stay with me. That no one would care for me. That all people would just end up leaving me behind. When the times that i need someone to help me, when all the problems would come flooding at me like a wave, thats when he decides that we should stop this, but he came in the hospital begging for us to get back. And because of him i also passed na NMAT test.

But that's just the start. Start of all my sufferings. I don't want to be a doctor, though i passed and understand the lessons it is still different when you are doing what you want. He tried to help me love what i'm doing but i just hated it more, and now he left me.

And now i understand, i understand that he just coming back to me because---- he just pitied me.