It feels like all I’ve been doing is move. Clean the unit, go to the market, walk around the place, fix my cabinet, cook whatever there is to cook. Since that incident in the hospital, I couldn’t bring myself to rest for just one minute because then, the emotional pain will come, and I will crumble like a heap of rotten leaves on the floor. I guess, this is just my defense mechanism, my way to forget that my heart is already being torn to pieces.

It was Sehun who told me what the doctor said. Luhan has retrograde amnesia. He can’t remember some things in his life. It was only by further examination that they found out he mostly can’t remember his college years, and some people even before college. He remembers his family just fine, but unfortunately, he has no memory of me, not even my name, and where I stand in his life. He also can’t remember why he had gotten into an accident. Sehun told me that Luhan’s condition is stable already, but concerning his memory, the doctor said that there’s a chance he could recover them, but there’s also the possibility of it being permanently lost.

I couldn’t utter a single word after and Sehun must have understood me because he didn’t continue. We just stood there, outside Luhan’s room, like we’re both too lost and tired.

I know Sehun was hurt too, but he wouldn’t understand my pain. He wasn’t the one forgotten. It’s all me. From this point on, Luhan and I would have a harder road of going forward.

And it even turned out more difficult when I was told not to visit Luhan. The doctor said it’s alright to make him remember, but not at this stage. Luhan is still having headaches and people who he doesn’t know visiting him would only increase his burden. I tried to be understanding. I don’t want Luhan to have a hard time so I just stayed in the unit, alone, not even bothering to talk to anybody. It’s sad, and I feel like this time, I really forgot how to smile.

Every day, I feel like there’s something stuck in my lungs, making it hard for me to breathe.

I just miss him. I miss him a lot.

I know I should be happy that he’s even alive, but somehow I can’t bring myself to be thankful for anything.

A whole week passed by without me realizing it. The only one I’m still contacting is Sehun, because he’s the only one kind enough to tell me anything about Luhan. Last night, he texted me that Luhan is ready to be discharged, and he will be sent back to this condo so I should prepare myself. He told me that he already briefed Luhan about our relationship, but he didn’t tell me anything about Luhan’s reaction. It’s not that big of a mystery though. Anyone in that circumstance would be shocked. Luhan must be wondering why he even dated me in the first place.

So, since last night, I’ve been doing my best to clean the unit. The only place left is Luhan’s room.

The unit has three rooms to be exact.  The one at the end of the corridor is for the guests. Luhan and my room are right next to each other but sometimes, we just spend the night together in his room just to cuddle. It’s pretty comforting, being in his arms, but I guess we won’t be doing any of that soon.

I made sure to change the covers of his bed and fix his pillows. Luhan is a neat guy, so there wasn’t really anything to clean aside from sweeping the floor. So, when I’m done I just sat on his bed and let my eyes take in everything.

Later today, Luhan will be sleeping in this bed again. He knows I’m his girlfriend but would he still be happy that I’m staying here with him? Wouldn’t he think that this is too much?

I looked at the picture frame on his side table. It contains a picture of us during our graduation day in high school. He told me before that he liked that best because it was our first picture and because for some time, he actually thought that that would be his only memory of the girl he’s been crushing on. I remember telling him how he’s such a liar, that it’s impossible that he already like me then because I was so simple and awkward. Luhan said I was just too dense and that I can’t see myself clearly.

I stared at it some more before deciding on something else. I opened the first compartment of the side table and took out our picture album. Knowing that I’m his girlfriend must already be too hard on him. Seeing pictures of us getting all sweet would just confuse and hurt him more. For now, the picture on top of his side table, and perhaps, the ones on his phone, would be enough to make him remember me. I should keep this one for the meantime.

                After putting the album in my cabinet, I just went out to the balcony and silently waited. Anytime now, Luhan and Sehun would be arriving.

To say that I’m not nervous would be a complete lie. I even made sure to dress properly so Luhan won’t think I’m too comfortable with the set-up.

After around 15 minutes, the all-too familiar sound buzzed. With all the courage I could muster, I slowly made my way to the door. I peeked through the door scope first and sure enough, it was Sehun who was wearing a simple gray shirt, and behind him Luhan, in a red pullover. Sehun was only one year younger than us, but he’s taller than Luhan, a fact that Luhan is most irritated about. Still, both of them are handsome. Sehun in an ice-prince way, and Luhan, the angel-type. Everywhere they go, they just attract unwanted attention. 

                I straightened out my clothes first then sighed deeply. Here goes nothing.

                I turned the knob and finally opened the door. As soon as we’re on full view of each other. Sehun smiled and said, “Hi Junhee-noona.”

                I did my best to act fine and said, “Hi Sehun” then I averted my gaze to Luhan who wasn’t looking at me at all and said in acknowledgement, “Luhan.”

                I saw him nod his head once just to show that he heard me, but he didn’t say anything. I felt something painful throb inside my chest but I ignored it.

                “Come in,” I said, still smiling.

                I opened the door to its full extent and went back first. Once reaching the living room, I turned around and saw both of them removing their shoes. As soon as they entered the main space, I saw Luhan looking around as if he’s trying to take in everything.

                “Do you want water, juice, or coffee?” I asked because I didn’t know what else to say. I feel like I’m talking to strangers.

                “Coffee, then,” Sehun said. “Hyung?”

                “I’m just really tired,” Luhan said in his mellow voice. “I’ll just head to my room. Where is it?”

                He was clearly asking Sehun, seeing that he’s not even glancing my way, but I answered it for him.

                “The second room if you go straight to the left,” I said.

Luhan turned to look at me and he had that look again in his eyes, as if he’s trying to figure out who the hell I am. It was only for a few seconds though, because he just turned and went straight to his room.

Sehun and I watched until he shut his door closed.

“Don’t give up,” I heard Sehun say as soon as Luhan’s out of hearing range.

I looked at him and let out a low chuckle, “What are you saying? It’s only the first day.”