“Life is solitary, poor, nasty, brutish and short.”

That’s what the great philosopher Thomas Hobbes wrote when describing life in the natural state, but I believe he forgot to add one more thing to this drastic compilation of definitions.

Life is also a bit too ironic.  

 And now, as I sit here on the bench, alone, just staring blankly at the star-forsaken night sky, I can’t help but wonder what wrong have I done to deserve these past few days. This hospital smell, these busy people in white clothes only thinking of when they could finally go home, why should I be the one witnessing them and suppressing all these ugly feelings inside of me?

Why has it been four days already?

Everything’s been going perfect. At least, as much as perfection could stretch for a normal girl like me, and now I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do.

We’re only a few weeks away before schools starts again. Only one year more and we could finally graduate and do what we want to do for the rest of our lives, and if we’re lucky, maybe we get to do all these things together…but I guess, life has another plan.

I looked at the notebook that’s been laid open on my lap, and read the name I’ve written a hundred times over.

Luhan, Luhan, Luhan.

As if writing them would change anything.

And now I realized what’s even more ironic. You only learn to look back at every memory when you’re about to lose. When you miss a person so much, there’s nothing else you could hold on to, not even yourself, only these tiny strings of fading human memories.

It was in fourth year high school when I met Luhan, but I knew his face, his name, even longer than that. My friends were always talking about him, the most wanted guy at school. I’m not immune to those kinds of thoughts, too. Luhan is handsome and has a lot of friends, but even though we’re on the same batch, I never became his classmate, that is, until, I’m one step away from leaving high school forever. Maybe it’s also because I was the head of the annual committee, and Luhan likes to take pictures. We spent most of the time with each other, putting names to faces, and making collages of everything that happened in all those four years so that other people would remember their old selves someday and talk to their grandchildren about all the pranks they pulled in high school. And somehow along the way, we became close, and I started to know things that other people don’t know about him. The fact that he doesn’t want to be the guy who’s always swooned at, that he doesn’t like chocolate ice cream, that he hits incredibly stupid high notes under the shower head, and that he’s just like any other person who has flaws.

And Luhan learned a lot about me, too, even the things that I don’t just mention to other people, even to my closest friends. He learned what kind of family I have. That my father left us for some other woman, that my mom never recovered from it, and that being yelled at triggers panic attacks in me, which is primarily the reason why I always want to have everything in order. Even though Luhan comes from a very rich family, he never once judged me for mine. In fact, Luhan is a good friend of my brother, Kris, before he moved to Jeonju to work as part of the advertising committee of one company. That’s why in my first year college, when my mom died from overdose, and in the inability of my brother to always look after me while he’s managing the funeral wake, Luhan was the only one who was able to provide me the comfort I need, and he’s very thoughtful too, because it took him six months after my mom’s death to finally have the courage to confess to me.

It happened so suddenly, and unexpectedly. By that time, I was living with my grandmother, my only close living relative. Luhan asked me if I could take a short walk with him because he was having his own troubles. When I came out of my grandparent’s house, he was already there, waiting outside, in a simple gray jacket and ripped jeans. We walked in silence for some meters, mostly because I didn’t know what to say. Luhan never asked me for a serious advice before, so I was really worried that I would tell him the wrong things. We walked and walked until we were in clear view of the river.

“Aren’t you cold?” I remember him asking.<