//2008//

“How do you feel right now?”

“Fine”

“No, you can’t be just fine, I know you’re not”

“If you do know, why bother to ask then?”

“you’re still mad at me because I told Mom about this right?”

Sooyun turned her back at him before she opened her book again, drowned herself in it.

Sehun stared at his twin’s back, helpless. He glanced over the room, everyone was busy preparing for their audition and he began to tense again.

“I’m not fine at all, Sooyun” He stared at the tip of his shoes.

Sooyun closed her book before she turned at her twin, who now looked so devastated. Did she look like that every time she got a bad score in front of him, who never got bothered with score, she wondered.

She grabbed his hand to soothe him.

“I’ll just stay at Wooyoung’s if I didn’t make it through.” Sehun leaned back, followed by Sooyun.

“How about me? Sora is out of town and I don’t think Haneul’s mom will just let me stay without calling Mom.” She sighed.

“I guess Wooyoung’s house still has plenty of rooms-“ Sehun hadn’t finished his sentence when a book was landed on his head, “akk, what’s wrong with you, have you got your period already oh?”, She was about to hit him again when a man came out of the door at the end of the room, calling for the next performer.

The boy sat next to Sehun stood up and followed the man into another room.

“Oh no, my turn is about to come” Sehun clasped his own hands while his body was shaking.

Sooyun soothed him again. “hey, hey, hey, calm down, you’ve practiced well and you’re great, nothing to be worried of”

“I’m so done” He wiped his own face with his sweating hands.

Sooyun leaned her face closer to him, whispered at his ears, “They’re the one who discovered you, they invited you here, nothing to be worried of.”

“you’re the one who had been discovered first” Sehun said shortly.

“they discovered both of us then” Sooyun added.

“But this is our fourth, Sooyun, maybe that Ahjeossi was drunk when he met us two years ago.” Sehun lightly sighed.

“even if he was drunk, we never knew, maybe he was sent drunk to bring our fate?” Sooyun looked into his eyes.

“but you never really want this? Are you running from your fate then?”

“No, it’s different.” She paused, “I just think that maybe we have different dreams”

“Okay, if you think this one is mine, which one is yours then?” Sehun asked softly.

“I don’t know, I just haven’t found it yet, but I’m sure this isn’t the one.”

They both paused for a while.

“Hey, can you just bear with this for Mom, at least before you find your dream” He paused, “and  let’s just stay at the convenience store if we couldn’t make it through” Sehun smiled at her.

“Sounds good.”

The door was opened again when a man came out and now Sehun who stood up and followed him into another room, “wish me luck” Sehun mouthed at Sooyun before he disappeared behind the door.

“Good luck Sehun, I know you can do this”

Sooyun stared at the door for a while before she packed her things and left the room.

//

The night had swept the street and Sooyun was walking wearily when her phone rang again, now was vibrating after she the silent mode and took a glance at the screen, 5 missed calls from Mom, 8 from Sehun, 2 from Dad, and messages that flooded her inbox.

She was lifting her head back when She found Sehun was sitting in front of the Convenience Store. He stood up and rushed at her once he saw her.

“Where have you been? Why you left? Why didn’t you answer my call, Mom’s, Dad’s, what’s wrong with you?” Words flooded his mouth, his eyes were slightly wet.

 Sooyun walked passed him before he blocked her, faster than her as usual.

“Why you left me?”

“I’m sorry, I just think I can’t fit in there, it’s not my dream, I don’t want that, can’t you see it Sehun? I can’t bear with it any longer, even if it’s for Mom, she never really wanted to listen to what am I saying, no, She never really realized that she had two kids instead of one.” She paused, tried to hold back the tears.

“It’s you who she really understands, it’s you who she really ever loved, it’s you, it was always you, just like other people, you are meant to be loved.” She let her tears rolled down and left Sehun.

“Is it because of me? Was it me that made you left all this time?” Sehun shouted to stop her. “Why you never told Mom that you had passed ever since our first audition? Was it because of me? Because I couldn’t make it through?” 

Sooyun turned at him, she could see her only brother was crying in the middle of the deserted street, just blocks away from their house. He ran at her.

“Why? Why you left today? Did you think that I could make it through if you didn’t come?”

Sooyun tried to look into his wet eyes, she never realized just how much she loved him, and yet why she hated him for things he had never done.

“No. I realized that you would make it through this time and that I should find my own dream, without thinking that people may like you better than me if we both kept doing the same things. I just want to stop hating you if people like you better than me.” She choked.

Sehun hugged her.

“I’m sorry Sooyun, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I make you feel worse, but you should know that you’re actually better than me, your score was always better than me, sometimes you passed the tests when I didn’t and you won that essay writing competition when I couldn’t even finish my first paragraph, you had made it through the audition when I failed, and I’m always proud of you, I can’t be prouder to have a twin like you”

She hugged him back.

“I’m sorry Sehun, It’s so suffocating for me to hate you, it feels like hating myself and I want to stop it”

“I know you don’t hate me, you just hate how people treat us, and if this will make you feel better, I’ll always be by your side, Sooyun.”

“stop it, now you really act like an older brother, after all this time.” She mildly laughed while still crying.

He laughed.

“wait, you passed right?” Sooyun suddenly asked him.

Sehun smiled and nodded.

Sooyun gasped and hugged him, “I always knew that you would make it through this time”

“are you sure with this? One of the guys who told me that you passed at our first audition still remembered you and left me his number, in case you change your mind”

“No, I’m sure with this. I love Big Bang more than Suju anyway.” She laughed.

Sehun gasped before laughed with her.

//

“It’s fine if you don’t want to eat, at least try to make me happy like your brother” Her mom was speaking in front of Sooyun’s door.

She remained silent.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with her, they are twins but she doesn’t act like him at all” Her mom talked to her husband when he came out of their room.

“They are just twins honey, doesn’t mean that they have to act exactly the same” Her husband tried to make his tie on his own.

“no wonder that she couldn’t make it through the audition-“ She hadn’t finished her sentence when her husband silenced her and started to whisper at her.

“stop it, don’t compare them all the time, she’s a good girl anyway and she’s also good at writing, her English is better than any kids in her school, didn’t pass an audition like that doesn’t make her bad all of sudden”

“come on, go on, you always love her more than Sehun” She paused, “aigoo, our Sehun needs new clothes and shoes for his first meeting, I’ll just take him for the meeting, you can go on with your works, like you always do.”

Sooyun could hear her mom’s steps were fading downstairs before another steps were approaching her door, it was her Dad.

“Sooyuna, that’s okay, I’m still proud of you, so is your mom, she just doesn’t know how to express it well-“ He hadn’t finished his sentence when she spoke from inside her room.

“Thank you Dad, I’m fine”

“Oh, good then” His father was hesitant before he left.

The computer screen blinked in front of her. Her eyes were wet starring at the blinking screen before she threw her body on the bed.

//