Five

Around 11, Kyungsoo picks himself off the couch to take out the trash. He had wanted to relish in the slow pace of a lazy Sunday morning, but as the sun rose higher and higher, the voice inside his head nudged him to stop wasting the day. Resigned, he gave in. 

    He spots Yura standing just outside the bookstore’s back entrance, looking perplexed. A note of hesitancy marks the end of her greeting to him.

    “Is there anything I can help with?” Kyungsoo asks politely.

    After a moment’s pause, she answers, “One of my high school friends has somewhat of an emergency. I want to go help her but Chanyeol’s at the post office picking up a new shipment of books, and Grandma’s visiting friends today, so…”

    “I can watch the store for you…?” Kyungsoo hopes he doesn’t come across as presumptuous; he leaves his offer as a question.

    But Yura looks of relieved, which also relieves Kyungsoo. “Would you mind? Chanyeol should be back pretty soon—I shouldn’t take too long either—and there are only a few customers. I’m so sorry to trouble you!”

    “No, not at all.”

    If the voice in his head is anything to go by, this was exactly what he needed.

    The bookstore is much less crowded than usual, filled primarily with quiet, older people who have come in to browse and sip coffee. Kyungsoo takes a soft deep breath and allows the distinct scent of paper and print—a scent that can never quite be displaced by technology— to wash over him before he sits down at the stool behind the check out counter.

    Moments later, he’s startled to find himself staring into a pair of bright, large eyes that peer just over the counter. 

    “Who are you?” asks a youthful, high-pitched voice. 

    Kyungsoo blinks. A little girl materializes before him, her tiny body partially obscured. She’s perhaps seven or eight, dolled up in pigtails and a flouncy dress. She studies Kyungsoo with equal part curiosity and suspicion. 

    “Hana, don’t be rude,” a drawling voice cuts in. “He’s Kyungsoo oppa.”

    The voice sounds surprisingly familiar and Kyungsoo is startled a second time when Sehun walks into his field of vision. The lanky youth pats the girl’s head as he flashes a cheeky smile at Kyungsoo.

    “Hi hyung! Did’ya miss me?” Sehun asks with an exaggerated smirk.

    Kyungsoo, who usually balks at these exhibits of familiarity from near strangers, unconsciously cracks a half smile. There’s something endearingly bratty about the kid.  

    “Meet my little sister—Hana.”  

    Hana’s suspicion seems to have melted away; her pretty eyes crinkle into a smile that much resemble her brother’s and she offers Kyungsoo a loud, buoyant hi, oppa!

    “She used to go to Chanyeol’s preschool,” Sehun explains as he leans nonchalantly against the counter. “And somewhere along the line—“

    “I’m Chanyeol-oppa’s fan!” Hana declares. “His sasaeng fan.”

    Kyungsoo is momentarily thrown off by the declaration, but he’s quickly disarmed by Hana’s proud, innocent smile. He chuckles lightly and says, “And what do you do, as his sasaeng fan?”

    Hana runs around the counter and motions for Kyungsoo to bend his ear. She then whispers conspiratorially, “I stalk him.”

    Unable to help himself, Kyungsoo laughs. “You like him that much, huh?”

    Hana nods eagerly with a touch of shyness. 

    Sehun rolls his eyes. “Hyung, don’t encourage her. It isn’t healthy, this Park Chanyeol obsession.”

    Hana glares swiftly at her brother. “It is so. Chanyeol-oppa’s great! He’s handsome and he plays the guitar and he sings and he’s super super nice, unlike someone. You like him too, don’t you, Kyungsoo-oppa?”

    Kyungsoo stalls uncertainly. “Er—”

    “Don’t you, oppa?” Hana repeats, with narrowed eyes and a renewed suspicion.

    Sehun snickers softly. “Hyung, she’s just kidding. You really don’t have think about it so hard.”

    “I’m not,” Kyungsoo insists.

    “Aww,” Sehun coos, unrelenting. “Look at you, hyung, getting all red. Isn’t he cute, Hana?” With a teasing laugh, Sehun extends his thin arm and makes a move to pinch Kyungsoo’s reddened cheeks. 

    On reflex, Kyungsoo jerks backwards and the momentum causes him to stumble off the stool. He catches himself just before he falls, but not before a loud voice thunders from across the room: “Yah, Oh Sehun!”

    Everyone’s heads swivel towards the entrance where Park Chanyeol towers in the doorway, glaring towards a surprised Sehun. The giant of a man is soaked with sweat and he’s slightly out of breath, as if he’d come running back on this hot June day. Kyungsoo takes in his disheveled appearance and, despite being a state of semi-shock, notes that he nevertheless retains his pretty boy looks. Kyungsoo subconsciously finds himself half awed and half jealous. 

    It’s Hana who first reacts. With a happy whoop, she trots towards Chanyeol and hugs him around his leg. Hana’s touch seems to bring Chanyeol back to his senses. He smiles sheepishly at amused patrons, who watch the scene unfold, as if it’s nothing out of the blue. After hugging Hana back, he stalks towards the counter with a barely contained frown. 

    Sehun gulps and moves to hide behind Kyungsoo. It wouldn’t have worked anyway, given their height difference, but before Sehun could make his way behind Kyungsoo’s small frame, Chanyeol had already grabbed hard him by the arm and yanked him away.

    “Chanyeol hyung, let go. You’re hurting me,” Sehun whines. 

    “Serves you right,” Chanyeol mutters. Hana titters and sticks her tongue out at her suffering brother.  “What were you doing with Kyungsoo?”

    “Nothing, dude. I just thought he looked cute, that’s all,” Sehun explains with a long-suffering sigh. “Oh my god, stop glaring at me! What’ll Kyungsoo hyung think of your violence?”

    Kyungsoo blinks at the sudden invocation of his name. He’s even more startled when Chanyeol abruptly drops Sehun’s arm and peers at him abashedly. 

    “Sorry, Kyungsoo. I was just worried that he…that…uh…”

    “It’s…it’s okay. I don’t—I mean, he wasn’t—” Kyungsoo stutters, somehow unable fully confront Chanyeol’s earnest concern.

    Sehun, who had been rubbing his arm in self-pity, takes time to roll his eyes again. “You guys are ridiculous.”

    Yura returns to find the four of them—Kyungsoo, Chanyeol, Sehun and Hana—clustered around the counter, labeling books and inputting them into the computer system. Kyungsoo occupies the sole stool and Hana sits happily in his lap. Kyungsoo hasn’t held a child for years and was at first reluctant to accept Hana. But as he grows comfortable with Hana’s soft giggles and warm limbs, he finds that it’s not entirely unpleasant to hug a child. 

    He also pretends not to notice Chanyeol’s furtive glances, though from Sehun’s occasional snickers, he’s not sure he’s altogether successful. 

    “Ice cream, anyone?” Yura offers after she thanks Kyungsoo for taking over. 

    Hana leaps from Kyungsoo’s lap with a cheerful me and draws chuckles from everyone except Sehun, who faux-admonishes her to lower her voice. She responds by stomping on his foot and drawing a pained yelp from him. Kyungsoo tries to hold in his laugher—because really, that did look painful—but Chanyeol’s guffaws infect him soon enough. 

    “Kyungsoo?” Yura queries, extending a chocolate bar. Kyungsoo grins and is just about to accept when his phone beeps. 

    He stares at the lines of text on his screen in confusion.

    “Something wrong, Kyungsoo?” Chanyeol asks, concerned.

    “Ah, no. Just—something came up, that’s all. I…A friend—”

    “Are you leaving, Kyungsoo-oppa?” Hana asks in a sad, small voice. 

    Kyungsoo hesitates. He notices Chanyeol’s look of disappointment, and even Sehun looks at him beseechingly. Part of him yearns to stay, huddled in the soothing safety of the tranquil bookstore. Part of him wants to wile away the afternoon laughing at Chanyeol and Sehun’s silly bantering, making friends with little Hana, and stuffing his face full of ice cream. There’s something very idyllic about all that. 

    But.

    Wanna play some ball? My afternoon’s free! Meet me at our usual place?

    “Do you need a ride?” Chanyeol asks after Kyungsoo hesitates a moment too long. 

    Sehun chortles: “Yah, Chanyeol hyung, I didn’t know you had a car.”

    “I have a bike, you brat!”

    “You’re offering to bike Kyungsoo hyung over? That’s weird, bro.”

    Kyungsoo laughs and shakes his head when Chanyeol whacks Sehun. The awkwardness dispels and Kyungsoo bids goodbye to the motley crew, giving a forlorn-looking Hana one last pat on the head and promising to stay longer next time. 

    As he walks out, he already begins to miss these past few hours. He isn’t sure that he’s ready to face the real world. 

    The usual place is a public court near their university. Baekhyun is already shooting hoops when Kyungsoo arrives. His eyes fold into into cheerful crescents when he spots Kyungsoo and he waves energetically before hopping over and giving Kyungsoo a half hug around his narrow shoulders.

    “Haven’t seen you for awhile. How’ve you been?”

    Kyungsoo smiles cautiously. He doesn’t know why—it’s Baekhyun, for god’s sake—but he recalls the debacle from last weekend and can’t quite let his guard down.

    Baekhyun must have sensed it—he’s good at that sort of thing—because his usual carefree puppy grin fades a touch and he inconspicuously withdraws his arm. 

    “I’ve been fine. It’s been a busy week—glad to see you though.” Kyungsoo answers lightly. But his follow up comes out slightly harder than he had wanted: “How’ve you been? How’s Taeyeon?”

    “Ah, Taeyeon…” Baekhyun shrugs with a semi-defeated smile. “She’s…she’s good.”

    “Oh.”

    “She’s been busy too,” he explains half-heartedly. 

    “Oh,” Kyungsoo repeats, unsure where this is leading. 

    “Enough about her,” Baekhyun says with a shake of his head. “The real question is, are you ready to get beat?”

    Kyungsoo hesitates for half a second before he shrugs and decides to play along. With a smirk of his own, one that might give chills to those who are unfamiliar with him, he taunts, “You’re on.”

    At some point during the following hour of running and jumping and yelling, Kyungsoo’s guards come down and he feels almost at ease again. 

    He likes to play basketball with Baekhyun—they’re both short and terrible at it. But Kyungsoo is marginally better, so he can usually have Baekhyun beat. They played their first game against each other during the third week of college, when Baekhyun prodded Kyungsoo into playing. That was before they really knew each other, when Kyungsoo still harbored reservations about Baekhyun’s relentless energy. But somehow, a pattern emerged in which Baekhyun would prod and prod and prod and Kyungsoo would try to pull back but eventually give in. If he were really honest with himself, Kyungsoo might admit that he had wanted to be prodded; that actually, deep inside, he was grateful that Baekhyun had taken him under his wing and forced him to get out and make friends. Kyungsoo’s own sullen personality often served as a wall that kept others at bay. Without Baekhyun, he might never had made friends at all.

    The sun has almost dipped behind the mountains by the time they finish their present game. The two of them sit side by side on the bench, breathless with exhaustion.  

    “I think I won,” Baekhyun insists.

    Kyungsoo chortles and shoves Baekhyun halfheartedly. “Yeah, whatever.”

    Baekhyun refuses to budge and instead falls towards Kyungsoo, leaning his head against Kyungsoo’s shoulder. Kyungsoo grimaces and gives him another shove. “Get off. You’re all sweaty.”

    “Make me,” Baekhyun taunts. He throws his arms around Kyungsoo and clings on for all he’s worth. Kyungsoo struggles and laughs all the while. “Yah, Byun Baekhyun!”

    His struggles are dutifully ignored.

    Eventually, their kerfuffle dies down and they give in to the roles of two, tired young men leaning against each other for support. Baekhyun’s bony shoulders poke at the side of Kyungsoo’s head, but Kyungsoo doesn’t complain and he lets Baekhyun rest his head atop his own. Baekhyun’s soft breath ruffles at Kyungsoo’s hair. Kyungsoo would have felt self conscious about their position, but no one passes to observe them. The bright afternoon gives way to a murky dusk. For the brief moment, it feels almost as if the rest of the world had faded away.

    Just as that thought occurs to him, Kyungsoo tenses. This feeling—of comfort and tranquility, of being completely secure and private—it’s all too familiar. And the last time Kyungsoo had allowed himself to be lulled into a sense of security, he had unwittingly revealed a part of himself that he had carefully tucked away. And how much did he regret that?              Baekhyun must have sensed it too; he lets Kyungsoo bolt upright without comment. They sit in silence for a moment longer, both slightly on edge. Kyungsoo dons a hesitant smile and moves to get up. “Should we get goin—”

    “Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun interrupts. He refuses to meet Kyungsoo’s eyes. “Kyungsoo…”

    “What?” A part of Kyungsoo anticipates what’s coming, and he doesn’t like it. His heart hammers in his chest and his eyes narrow.

    “…Are you still…?”

    “Still what, Byun Baekhyun?” Kyungsoo asks coldly. “Still what?”

    Baekhyun bites his lips. “No, nothing.”

    “No, finish the thought. What do you want to know?”

    “Kyungsoo—

    “Am I still gay, is that it?”

    “—No, I—“

    “Because the answer is yes. Because you don’t just stop being gay, sorry. Did you ask me to come today so you can confirm, again, that I’m still, quote,not normal?”

    “—God, no. Kyungsoo, listen, I—”

    “Just stop,” Kyungsoo grinds out through clenched teeth. “Stop it. I understand if you don’t—look, I support you and Taeyeon, okay? So please, just stop…”

    “Kyungsoo—“

    “—I need to go.”

    “Kyungsoo!”

    Kyungsoo ignores Baekhyun’s calls. He wears a hardened expression as he walks briskly towards the subway stop, never allowing himself a backwards glance. 

    Never has he regretted a bad decision so much. 

    He wishes he could turn back time—not a lot—just to that morning, when everything felt like it might finally be okay. 

***TBC

...Baeksoo, anyone???? 

(Accidentally deleted and had to repost...-____-;;)