Baekhyun’s POV

I don’t know how long I stayed away afterwards. It felt like forever. I wanted to say something but the words just froze on the tip of my tongue. I don’t think it’s fair. I just wanted something in return. All I’ve ever wanted to do is please you, to make you happy. And yet I lay here night after night, waiting, watching; hoping that maybe tonight would be different. Maybe tonight you will look back over at me, smile and kiss me.

To feel your hands running over my body is something that I long so much for. But I dare not ask. I don’t want to seem like a burden, like I’m pressuring you. I don’t want you to hate me. I don’t want to overstep my bounds. But I want to feel pleasure. The same type of pleasure that I give you.

I may shy away at first, but let’s be honest, who wouldn’t? It’s my first time with you, in a relationship. I want to do so much and have so much done to me. But I’m so scared. Afraid that I might do something to mess it up; that I’ll drive you away. I don’t want that. There is already this wall between us. It’s so big; at least 13 stories high or more. I can’t climb that. I can’t reach the top and the door to let me in is chained shut. What do I do?

Even though I hold the key in my hand, what do I do? I’m so scared to put that key in the lock. To open up to someone in a way that I’ve only seen done in movies, have only done in my dreams, it’s frightening. It’s like standing on the ledge of the tallest building in the world. One false move and I could fall...fall back down in the dark. I don’t want to go back to the darkness, the light is so nice.

Your smile is so beautiful, so bright. And if only I could see it all the time. If only I could show you mine. But I can’t. What is holding me back from achieving all that I’ve ever wanted? I don’t understand it. You’re right there, I can feel you. You’re skin is so warm. You’re sleeping so peacefully, not a care in the world. Yet here I am plagued with these thoughts that leave me restless and tired.

To do it? To not. To ask for what I want….would that make me seem selfish? Relationships aren’t built solely on physical contact, platonic love. It’s built on trust. Do I have that from you? I’m not sure. Do I trust you? I can’t honestly say. But I can’t live without you. You’re like a drug. I can’t quit you. All I want is all of you. And I want you to have all of me. To want me in the same way I want you. I feel so alone. So stupid.

Do you not want me like that? Am I just a toy? I don’t know, but the thought makes my chest tight. How could I possibly go on if that were true? Do you know how much I love you? Do you know how much I need you? I don’t think you do. You say you love me just as much, but do you? Do you really? Or will you eventually be able to move on without me? Will you find someone else that makes you laugh, will make you cry, will make you angry? Will you find someone who knows you like I know you?

I’m so stupid….

I’m not what you want. I’m not your everything. You don’t see me as I see you. You don’t love me as I love you. If you did, you would be able to tell what I want, would know I need more too. Would know that I don’t want to be selfish. Would understand that I can’t express myself that well. You would know that I just need to know that you know. That you understand me and everything that I need.

Please….

I just need you to wake up, to roll over and kiss me, touch me, make me feel so incredibly good that I forget who I am.

Please…

Just once. Just once can we pretend we’re on even ground? That you’re not using me? Can we pretend that it’s just you and me, that we’re the only two people that exist in the world? That he’s not there, waiting for you. That he’s not on your mind when you’re with me. It hurts. All I’ve ever wanted was you. And I can’t have you. I don’t want to share. I want to be selfish, have you to myself. Give you all of my love and have all of yours in return.

But I can’t be selfish. I tried that before and it felt like I was drowning without you. I need you so badly. So I’ll stay. I’ll watch from afar. I’ll lay with you at night and pretend that it’s only me that’s in your dreams. That it’s only me you’ll be thinking about when you wake up and through the rest of the day. That it’s only me you whisper ‘I love you’ to. I wish I was all you ever needed.

I need you,  I have to keep you, despite it all because….

All I’ve ever needed was you.

I love you, Park Chanyeol