Title: Homophobic

Prompt used: She was drowning but nobody saw her struggle.

            I was sixteen years old when I noticed that I was different. Maybe, it was bad. Maybe, I was just no good. Nobody will love me, not even my parents nor my friends. I couldn’t accept that. That’s why I       tried to stop myself from becoming me—stop myself from becoming the person they didn’t want me to be. I was in my freshman year in high school at that time. My best friend ever since middle school, Seulgi was always at my side and I was always with her. That was, until she got herself a boyfriend. For some reason I couldn’t understand, I felt upset and somehow, betrayed. Keep it cool, Irene. You’ll get a boyfriend too sooner or later. I could clearly remember the tone of her voice at that time. She was annoyed when I complained that we weren’t hanging out too much. I found other friends but that best friend of mine would always come to me after a break-up. She had four ex-boyfriends after the semester ended. She was broken and I was always the one by her side to comfort her. Once, she asked why I wasn’t interested in dating anyone. I only replied with, “I’m too young for love”

Love? What exactly was it? Was it when you wanted someone to be yours? Was it during those times when someone makes you feel special? Was it when you would do everything, whether it would be good or bad, just because someone wants you to do so? I never understood but I didn’t even bother to care about it. They said love should be selfless yet couples would be jealous when their lover would be with someone else, which basically just deferred the logic of “selfless love”. In fact, love itself was an absurd thing. It nullified all the logic of everything else yet no one would be totally certain that they were feeling it. There was love yet there was lust and infatuation. Lust—simply a desire of something. Maybe, you just wanted to be with someone to fill the gaps in your life or it could be infatuation. You thought you were in love but the truth was, you never were. Instead, you weren’t in love with someone but you were obsessed with the idea of love. I would never understand it. That was why I thought to myself that I would never fall in love.

“Love is patient. Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrong. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protect, always trust, always hope, always persevere. Love never fails but when there are prophecies, they will cease; when there are tongues, they will be stilled; when there is knowledge, it will pass away.” I read out, standing from my seat during Values class. Studying in a Christian School, we always had this class every single day for our faith to be stronger, or at least that was what they said. In my opinion though, it wasn’t all about going to church every Sunday or how many times you read the bible every day and it wasn’t even about how many times you pray. In my unpopular opinion, it was about how you treat everyone else and how you understand others. If I would say that opinion out loud, I wonder if anyone would even listen. Every day, we all would listen to the words in the Holy Book yet we would sin every day. Everyone would be guilty, including me. That was why it was a very sensitive topic to talk about.

It was already lunch time and I and my closest friends were hanging out in the cafeteria. Seulgi was there with us because she and her boyfriend had a lover’s quarrel, something that I would never understand if I based the definition of love to the definition of it in the bible—it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrong. It was not love. It never was but me being the typical Irene I was, I didn’t say a thing about it. Things would always go smoothly if I didn’t talk. As we all eat, I just wanted to shove some food to Seulgi’s throat as she complained about her boyfriend, how she felt like they were drifting away with her boyfriend. Of course, being the good friend they were, they comforted her with their own experienced while I, being inexperienced to that kind of “love”, stayed silent wanting to finish my food as fast as possible.

“Where are you going?” A friend of mine asked I stood up from my seat, carrying my tray that was only left with trashes. I shrugged my shoulders as I replied, “My head aches. I need rest.” Without turning my back for the second time, I threw my trashes off to the bin then proceeded back to the classroom, which was always empty during lunch time. Somehow, I liked the silence. There would be no judging, no discrimination and no need to look for comfort because silence itself was comfortable. It was another unpopular opinion of mine or maybe, it was just because I was too conservative and old-fashioned for my age. That was why some times my friends would always tease me or tell me to loosen up. I wasn’t stiff and silent because I was shy but because I prefer myself this way.

I let out a heavy sigh as I leaned my head on my desk, wanting to take a nap. Thoughts about Seulgi’s immature relationship were filling inside my mind. If it wouldn’t work out, why wouldn’t she just break up with him before she could make a lot more memories? I mean, it would hurt more if you thought about memories you made with that person every single day of your life and you wouldn’t get tired of it because there were just lots of them. Why would she keep fighting for something that was obviously going to end anyway, especially with the two being childish and absurd? They were young. It was all right to make mista