I came back to the hospital after school, as I promised to Yi Fan. I stopped in front of his mother’s room. It was strange, I couldn’t find him there. I waited for 5 minutes but there was no sign of his presence. I decided to ask the nurse in the front desk.

“Sorry for disturbing your work, do you know where Mrs. Wu’s son is?” I asked

“He is in Dr. Kim’s room I guess.” She said with a smile in her face.

“Dr. Kim? Wait, did they change the doctor?” as far as I know, the one who responsible for Yi Fan’s mom is Dr. Zhang.

“No. He is checking up his condition.” She was still smiling.

“Okay. May I know where the room is?” I wanted to wait him there.

“You can go straight to the north, and then turn left when you found the last corridor. You can find his room easily by reading Dr. Kim’s name in front of it.” I listened to the explanation carefully.

“Thank you.”

I swung my feet uncertainly. I was afraid that I would find another fact which I shouldn’t know. After I found the room, I decided to wait for Yi Fan in the bench in front of it. So many things crossed my mind.

He came out form the room and looked a little bit shocked when he saw me. I took a step closer to him.

“May I know about this one?” I reached his hand and held it. My curiosity became more hectic when I read the words “Psychologist” under the doctor’s name in front of the room. 

Yi Fan held back my hand and took me for a walk. I didn’t know where he would take me. He didn’t even say a word. He stopped in a wooden bench in the backyard. He patted the space beside him, asked me to sit there.

“Do you remember my vitamin bottle?” He started with a question. And I just nodded.

“That’s my medicine. I have to consume it since high school. I can’t control my emotion. It can change fast, often. Dr. Kim said that it’s because my trauma, stress, or something similar, I don’t care. But the fact that the medicine can make me control my mood, I have to eat it.” His sight moved from the scenery in front of him to my eyes. “You can ask it yourself to Dr. Kim if you want to know more. If after you know the truth, you want to leave me or hate me, I don’t really care. I felt so light after let you know about this thing.”

My brain tried to chew every single word that came out from that plum lips. So he is a psychopath? Or just suffering for depression? Or?? So many questions and possibilities flew in my mind. He just stayed still beside me.

I put my hand in his shoulder and caressed it. “I’ll always stay beside you, Yi Fan.”

He grabbed my hand and held it with both of his hands. “Just ask him first. There are so many things that you have to know about me. You can decide about anything later. This is for your own goodness and safety.” He smiled and then left me alone.

***

I came out from Dr. Kim room with so many things in my head. My brain seemed so busy to decide where my feet would take me. My mind worked hard to interpret anything the doctor said about Yi Fan.

“As you know, he is suffering from this trauma since high school. His mom got married again with a rich businessman but then he becomes a strange person, even for his own self. He can be all good in a day, but he can also explode on anger. He becomes so cold. He thought that he was the one who caused the divorce. He is a good boy. But now, his condition is not stable. Actually his condition is better than years ago, but the people around him still have to pay full attention.

He talked about you weeks ago. I hope you can always stay beside him. He needs sincere care from a person who loves him sincerely. Please, I beg you to be more patient. Anything bad that he did to you, believe me that he didn’t mean it. Trust me, he loves you.”

I could still clearly remember each word that Dr. Kim said. Yi Fan, so you have to suffer alone? I am here. I promise that I’ll always there, beside you.

***

“Yi Fan…” I called him when I saw him stood in front of his mom’s room.

He looked at me. His eyes were still the kind eyes I love. I reached for his right hand.

“Yi Fan…” I called that name again. I was not able to say anything. My mind was just too hard to produce any other word. My eyes felt so hot, my sight was blurry. Tears came out and wet my cheeks.

Yi Fan guided me to come to his warm embrace, held me close, and caressed my long hair. It didn’t make me stop producing water from my eyes, his actions made me cried more. I hugged him back. I buried my head in his chest. I was thinking hard about everything while drew on his musky scent.

“Just cry, dear. Let it out. I don’t want you to be a too strong girl”. He said.

I broke the contact. “I am sorry. I am the one who have to make you stronger. Sorry.” I tried to erase the traces of my tears.

He smiled. His hands touched my hair and place the loose one behind my ears.

“I am fine. Ehmm…not too fine. But at least, my mood was not too bad today. Thanks Nana.” Those brown orbs were looking at me dearly.

“I promise that I will be stronger. I don’t want to watch you fight alone. Share it with me, okay?” I begged to him.

“You know me more that anyone, even more than I know myself. I don’t have to share anything to make you understand. I am sure you know what happen to me. True?” He smiled again.

“I can’t read your mind, Yi Fan. So please, let me know, whether you need me as a friend, best friend, or even as a protector. I am ready.”

“Whatever it is, you will be the first person I will be looking for. So, please, I hope that you will be very patient to face me. Even if someday I will be crazy and go, I hope you can let me go.” His words make me cringe.

“Nana, listen. I don’t know what I will do when I am out of control of myself. Don’t be too attached to my presence. I don’t want to hurt you. Promise me that you will be okay, even if I am not here.” Each word came out from that mouth was remembered well by my brain, and it hurt.

I hugged him tighter, maybe this is my way to say ‘Don’t go’ to him. I really couldn’t bear to watch him struggling alone. I really couldn’t bear to watch him hurting himself.

Yi Fan, I’ll take every risk, I’ll take the pain, as long as you’re fine.

***

2 months past fast, like the soft spring breeze, without any change, except the whether which felt warmer because the spring would end in days. Yi Fan’s mom was still unconscious since the day her condition got worse. Yi Fan was still firm with his mind that he would not go in that room where his mom stayed. I had to back to work in the morning, come to the hospital, and sometimes go home to change my clothes and bring some food for Yi Fan. He rarely came home. He just wanted to stay.

This evening I came to the hospital, like usual. I walked toward the room that I got familiar with for this past months. My steps suddenly stopped when I saw Yi Fan sat down, leaned on the wall. I saw him sobbing. Both of that big hands covered his redden face.

I walked faster and sat beside him. He hugged me tight. He was crying. I knew nothing about what happened. But it seemed impossible for him to answer my question now. I his wide back in silence.

The doctor came out from the room and removed his masker from his face, talked to me. “Can you come to my room, Miss Im?”

I nodded. “Sure, I’ll be there soon.” I couldn’t leave him alone now.

“Yi Fan, mom will be fine.” I forced myself to talk to him. “Can you wait me for a while? Dr. Zhang wants to talk to me. You stay here. I’ll be back soon.” I loosened the hug, watched that redden sparkling eyes. “She will be okay, Yi Fan.” I panted a soft kiss on his forehead before I leave.

***

I walked back to the ICU. I still remembered clearly of what the Dr. Zhang said. Now, the news was on me and it was me who had to decide how I could say this to Yi Fan. Oh God….

Mrs. Wu only survives because of those medical devices. It’s impossible to do the chemotherapy or even perform the surgery. Even if she lives longer, it is just a pure miracle.

I couldn’t find him in his previous place. I thought that he left, but I was wrong. He sat down beside his mom’s bed. He was holding the woman’s hand and kissed it lovingly. I didn’t realize that some tears ran down on my cheeks. Finally, after two months of waiting, his mom could feel her son’s presence beside her.

I decided to give them more time to stay together. I sat down in the bench in front of the room, thinking about so many things, so many possibilities. Live was just too abstract to be predicted or created the ending.

It was just about 10 minutes after; I turned my head toward the source of the sound of an opening door. Yi Fan came out from that room and looked at me, smiling. I smiled back to him. I patted the empty space beside me, asked him to sit down there. And he did.

“What did Dr. Zhang say?”

I reached for his hand. “He said that you have to eat, go home, and get some rest.”

“Nana, I am serious.” His eyes were still on me.

“Me too. How can you protect your mom if you’re sick?” I his soft cheek. “Please stay at home for tonight. The nurses will watch over your mom.”

“Sorry, I always make it difficult for you.” He eyes were full of regrets.

.“Don’t say that word. I hate it.” I hated him for saying ‘sorry’. “Let’s go home.”

__To be Continued__