A long Chapter. 4000~words

 

 

 

 

 

The meeting ended with clasps from the members as if the entire one and half an hour was a full torturing conversation. As soon as the members got up from their seats, the five years old member paced his speed to nudge Siwon.

“Yah... why didn’t you tell me?” Donghae said eagerly while shaking Siwon’s arm despite the ‘don’t bother me’ look from Siwon

“Telling you what?” Siwon absentmindedly answered while packing his stuffs.

“You are getting engaged. Right?” Thanks to Donghae’s inarticulate that his words barely heard by the others but unfortunately was clear enough to a certain person who was standing close behind them, flinched.

Suddenly the room felt as cold as ice, was it the air conditioner? Kyuhyun thought. He wanted to listen to Siwon’s reply but was too scared to gamble, the answer can be good....but it can be the other way around too, so he chose to walk away from the truth.

“Jiwon told me. Hahaha gotcha” Donghae continued as if he read Siwon’s mind.

“It’s not an engagement.” Spared a glance at Kyuhyun who was walking out of the room

“Huh?”

“I mean.... it’s not like that....” Siwon pressed his lips together “I...” his eyes still locked to the door where Kyuhyun was stopped by Eunhyuk.

“Are you going home with me or...?” Eunhyuk launched his arms around Kyuhyun’s shoulder, sniggering.

“Why?”

“You didn’t sleep in the dorm last night. Do you think i didn’t notice it?” a pinch above Kyuhyun’s waist.

“What? Our Kyuhyunie didn’t sleep at the dorm last night? Where were you, huh?” Kangin rummaged between the two brothers and started interrogating him with this and that which Kyuhyun barely heard a word.

“Yah! I am 29 years old; it is okay to sleep over at a friend’s house, right?” He snarled.

“But, he is not your friend Kyuhyun~~” He twirled his index finger teasingly “He is your hyung...Robin hyung...”

“It’s just the same. Come on... you guys are no chill” he threw his hands in the air and freed himself from Eunhyuk and Kangin’s weird joke attempt. “I gotta go. My Robin hyung is waiting~” poked his tongue out to the brothers who could only roll their eyes.

 

 

“Kyuhyun!” Kyuhyun turned around by a sudden pull on his wrist in the hallway to the exit door.

“Huh?” Siwon indeed.

“Did you sleep with him?” the next sentence came with so much weight in every word. Kyuhyun could feel Siwon was tensing.

“Let me go.” He responded calmly

“Answer me.” Siwon replied stubbornly. Obviously unaware or more like didn’t care about their surroundings, an uncomfortable feeling rushed inside Kyuhyun’s stomach when their juniors passed by with Siwon’s hand still clutching hard on his wrist and his face was as stiff as stone. Well their relationship was like everybody’s little secret in the company, even though they didn’t know the details but they knew just as much what they could witness behind the walls, but subconsciously ignored or more like keeping their hands out of it, being respectful or to stay innocent.

“Not until you answer.” His hand firmed on Kyuhyun’s wrist

“Why? Are you worried? Or are you just mindlessly jealous? Hyung, don’t be. We do not belong together anymore. Don’t hurt yourself hyung.” With barely concealed annoyance all over his face. He was furious, this guy who was gonna engage to someone else dared to question his fidelity and anger over his personal matters which no longer his concern.

Siwon loosened his hold giving chance for Kyuhyun to escape from him.

“Also.....Don’t worry..... We will be very careful.” Kyuhyun smirked despite the rattling in his heart seeing the effect of his words stabbed the love of his life right at the core. Guilt was overdue, the effect was immediate, making a hole deep inside the heart and Kyuhyun did expect any of Siwon’s reaction, what he didn’t expect was the affect he got seeing Siwon that affected by his cruel joke.

 

 

They said time would heal....

They said this shall pass too

They said....

All Siwon saw in every breath he takes were just the memories of them together playing like an unstoppable movie in front of his eyes, forced him to watch it all over again in his wakes and sleeps. He saw the bad and the good old days, the frail and the gold ones, but to him they all felt no different, just another sorrow, a proof that life is not all moonlight and roses...

Their four years of passionate love were all jokes, so Siwon kept saying to himself behind the four desolation walls.

 

 

flashback

“There are too many people.” Kyuhyun looked away to his side, hiding his anxiety from his oblivious companion.

“It is not that crowded or should we move to a more quiet place?” Siwon suggested

Kyuhyun chuckled, his lips twitched into a wistful smile. He sighed before speaking again

“I am not talking about this place...” he stopped “It’s us.” He whispered after a good 30 seconds.

It was a lie for Siwon to feel undisturbed. His eyes examined Kyuhyun’s completely; trying to figure out where was this idea coming from and where it was going to...

He smiled a reassurance that this was just another talk. Kyuhyun just wanted to clear his head and set his mind at peace.

“There are too many people in us; I should feel uncomfortable....but... frankly speaking...” He carefully formed word by word inside his head so it wouldn’t come out misinterpreted. “I kinda enjoy it.” He finished with eyes glance at Siwon, anticipating his response.

“Do you....enjoy it?”

“Well, in some ways... yes. I mean....it’s refreshing being out...free, looking myself through people’s eyes and not afraid to see the reflection in them because it is who I am. It’s fun not to be careful sometimes” He explained

Siwon listened. He was about to say something, but it gott lost in between his heavy sigh. Kyuhyun looked at him warily, he wanted Siwon to speak, he needed a response, words of encouragement will be better because he needed loads of it. He didn’t want Siwon to let him go further this way.

Kyuhyun munched his food, this perhaps was just another night when they opened up about their feelings, honest talk, cried it out then laughed it off and get done with it, in the end they will love each other again. Unless that night was not the night.

 

Siwon was too quiet so Kyuhyun did not stop nor try to

“It’s easier with him.” Kyuhyun outburst. He said it because he meant it, he meant every word of it. It was really easier with him. He waited Siwon to say something, convinced him that one day they will do the same, out free, and heck care about society and people’s scrutiny, living their life to the fullest as who they are, limitless. But Siwon’s blank expression alarmed Kyuhyun. Siwon weren’t going to work it out, to work theirs out.

“Then you should be with him.” Siwon said breaking the cold silence floating between them

“What?” Kyuhyun was flustered. This was not the response Kyuhyun wished to hear, not now, not ever, not when he was so ready to go all out with their love. But one couldn’t play alone, could he? He needed Siwon to make it complete, after all, this feeling was mutual.

“I shouldn’t keep you around if you are happier with him.”

“I didn’t remember saying ‘happier’....why are you....” Distress came uninvited “It’s so easy for you, right? I can’t believe you said that. I wish you said something else...”

“I don’t want to tie you down Kyuhyun.”

“Keep saying that...” He threatened. Hands on his chest and slumped his body deep to the seat. Where is your effort? Shouldn’t you fight for me like you always said?

“I am serious about that Kyuhyun.” Siwon pressed

Kyuhyun breathed deeply “You are....really.... seriously hyung? Fine, I quit!” He rose from his seat and left Siwon torn between chasing him or bumping his head to the wall because both ways would have the same effect, another madness. He had no confident on this, he couldn’t promise Kyuhyun that tomorrow there’ll be rainbow and sunshine, he was a loser, and he was scared of one and too many things.

End of flashback

 

Days passed after the incident in the office, Kyuhyun watched him from side, Siwon continued living like his soul was snatched away from him forcefully, dull eyes, hoarse voice, sunken face, he looked older by years. Kyuhyun stayed mum, his guilt became tenfold, but he was still mad even though the yearning to touch him and basking him in the warm of his embrace kept taunting him, yet he was mad, so he stayed at where he was, watching from afar.

Siwon couldn’t believe how fast it took for Kyuhyun to have someone else touching him again. Or did this happen before they even break up? Because it’s easier with him? Yes, because it’s ing easier with him...

Siwon took his phone and typed something on his status message ‘If you fall in love with two people at the same time, choose the second one, because if you really loved the first one, you wouldn’t have fallen for the second’

Kyuhyun had just finished his second glass of soju and he didn’t feel like taking another, he didn’t want to get drunk, stay sober and out of trouble, who knows what he might say when he in under alcohol control. Because he still remembered how Siwon told him not to get drunk when he was not around. He would keep that on mind, period.

“Sleepy already?” Kijoon said in between his talking with the guys from his filming crew.

Kyuhyun shook his head; it was a lie of course, they’ve been talking about stuff by all means was not Kyuhyun’s piece of meat. So he halfheartedly listening since an hour ago and imagined Siwon told him about Snoopy or SpongeBob instead. Kijoon kept glancing at him and Kyuhyun would show his nicest smile to say that he was just fine and plastered ‘please don’t bother me’ look on his face. Until he couldn’t take it anymore, so he fished out his smartphone from his pocket and started scrolling through his SNS,  mails, twitter, snapchat, Facebook anything to distract his boredom.

His thumb trembled over a certain status message updated a few minutes ago. If he was alone in the room he would throw the phone to the nearest wall and scream. Kijoon noticed the change of Kyuhyun’s expression.

“You okay?” he patted Kyuhyun’s thigh attentively.

He nodded and excused himself to the restroom. Clutching his phone with his right hand that if it was made by glasses, it’d be broken into pieces and pierced into his flesh right away, bleed himself dry, dizziness hit him when his blood in every part of his vitals rushing to his head all of a sudden. He needed to calm down; he wanted to but at the moment what he could do just run his hand over his hair peevishly back and forth.

You ! Why did you do that? Why!! He fisted his hand on the marble washstand.

 

It was fifty minutes later Kyuhyun realized that he was already in a cab, heading to an address he knew by heart. He stared at his phonescreen which showing his message sent to Kijoon just now

I am sorry hyung. I can’t...

When the front door cracked open, Kyuhyun barged in and took Siwon on the collar “The hell you are saying? Do you think it’s funny?”

“What are you.....” He tried to hold Kyuhyun’s arms which were crumbling his shirts with fisted hands.

“Shut up!!! Shut up... will you?” he started sobbing

Do you think that i never loved you? Do you think all these four years were fake? Do you really think I slept with some people that easily? Did you ever believe me at all? Do you?

He screamed inside, the words couldn’t get out, it stuck in his throat, he could only groan while smacking Siwon’s chest. When his legs finally gave out, both of them slumped on the floor. Kyuhyun was so frail and so did Siwon. At times he would hug Kyuhyun and hush away his distress, but not this time, he was no different, he was no braver, he was no stronger...

“I am sorry Kyuhyun...I am really sorry” He held Kyuhyun’s hands and buried his face on the limp flesh, wetting them with his tears. “I am really sorry... I am a fool.”

Kyuhyun stared bitterly at the man before him; tears fell on its own. He drew Siwon’s hands and gathered him in his arms. “I am sorry too.” Showering kisses on the top of Siwon’s head. “I only want to date normally, go out without worrying about people, hold your hand in front of thousands eyes, saying I love you without the dread of talks. I just want to show the world how much I love you, how proud I am of us....”

These were the words he had been harbored inside his chest, the insecurities, the smile that never reached his eyes whenever he had to take intimate picture with him, the shaking hands every time he touched him... he didn’t want people to know because Siwon’s life was not as simple as him. “If one day people find out that I am gay, I think they will only shrug their shoulders and said ‘we’ve suspected!’ I actually don’t really care about it.” He said some times ago, Kyuhyun never really thought it would be much different if they found out, the title ‘pretty’ had been following around and many guys were openly showing interest towards him or even rumored to have relationship with him. He somehow was ready for it, but not Siwon.

“If doing that means losing you, I prefer this way, I can be like this forever as long as I have you. I couldn’t function without you hyung...” resting his cheek on the messy hair.

“I couldn’t either...” Siwon whispered in his embrace.

 

 

***

“So, when is your engagement day?” Kyuhyun said one night after they made up, when they were sprawling on bed, Kyuhyun’s cheek firm on Siwon’s chest. One of Siwon’s arms circled around his back.

“Hm? Why all of sudden?” Kyuhyun’s bare shoulder

“I just want to know.” Drawing random pattern on Siwon’s belly with the tip of his finger.

“It is not important.”

“It is.” He looked up “Everything about you is important....for me.” Covering his blushing cheek with his palm.

“Say it again?” Siwon pushed his luck and earned him a pinch on his .

“Just tell me....”

Siwon laughed throatily, yet hadn’t given a proper answer “Why? Are you going to sing 7 years of love or something?”

“Yeah, after finishing the song, I’ll run to you and kiss you hard on the lips and take you away”

“Oh how I wish you’d do that.” Earned him another pinch.

“Silly! So when?”

“Around this weekend. It’s not a fancy engagement just a dinner with her parents. Like I said...it is not important, don’t think about it.”

“Hmm.” Kyuhyun mumbled, took long heavy breath that took another 49 seconds of his life.

They stayed silent for a moment, indulging themselves in the cozy sound from each other’s heartbeats until Kyuhyun voiced out his thought “Hyung.....”

“Yes baby?”

“Don’t let me go...........just yet.” He plead

Siwon kissed his hair and whispered through his hair “I won’t.”

 

 

The engagement day

“I heard that you like surprises...” Siwon whispered into his soon to be fiancée’s ear very closely so nobody in the room heard him; but across them he could see his parents muttered and giggled while looking at them

“Aren’t girls always do?” she smiled

“Well... then it’s settled.” Siwon clasped his hands, smirking

“What?”

“You know...” Siwon glanced at their parents then back to her. He talked in low voice “I have a secret.... I actually prepared fireworks for you after the dinner, it’s a very fancy one. But.... for a special girl like you, fireworks are too mainstream....so I prepared something else.”

“Really?” she challenged

“Yes. But I need you to do exactly what I told.”

“Hm..?”

“When our parents look at the fireworks, you have to use this and pay attention to the building across the street.” He showed her his binocular.

“How? You prepared all of this?”

“For a girl like you, I could do anything.” He grinned ear to ear.

---

“I am already in front of the building. Geez...it’s really cold here. Come faster hyung, I am freezing..” The pale singer came with a long black coat, all wrapped up to his neck, one of his hand shoved inside his jacket pocket.

“Be there in a second.” the person on the other line spoke.

 

 

“Baby....” Siwon cried out as soon as he saw Kyuhyun as if he hadn’t seen him for years.

“Yah.... why did you ask me to come here?” He threw a fist on his stomach playfully “It’s so cold and why are you wearing suit? Wait...is this your...?” Kyuhyun was sharp as always.

Siwon nodded and smiled. His hand casually brushed Kyuhyun’s fringe

“Ah...so why...you asked me to come here?” disappointment mixed with self-conscious were palpable on his face.

Instead of answering him, Siwon suddenly held Kyuhyun’s face with both hands and kissed him square on the lips, Kyuhyun tried to shove him away at first, but Siwon’s hand hold his hands firm while the other still resting on his cheek. Siwon was taking control and it made Kyuhyun felt breathless from the lack of air..

When Siwon broke the kiss, Kyuhyun yelled “What are you doing?”

“Kissed you.” And landed his lips once again on Kyuhyun’s lips, this time Kyuhyun’s tongue responded and moved in sync with him. Siwon mindlessly massaged the rosy lips with his some more.

When he broke the kiss for the second time, he his lips as if he just drank something very sweet.

“Sorry babe, I can’t get enough.” The only excuse he said

“What are you doing? People might see us.” Kyuhyun looked around checking out their surroundings

“They won’t.” He snickered.

“How are you so sure?”

“Look at that!” the beautiful fireworks were shooting to the air and of course people would stare at them instead of two people kissing in the dark hallway. How could Kyuhyun miss that? The kind of fireworks that only happened in New Year festival.

“You did this?”

“Yes.”

“You are crazy. It must be expensive.”

“This one is way more expensive.” Siwon said while brushing his thumb over Kyuhyun’s moist lips lovingly.

“But.....how about your engagement?”

“Done successfully?” Kyuhyun was about to congratulate him when Siwon lifted Kyuhyun’s left hand, there was a silver plated bracelet circled on his wrist.

“How? I...”

“Proof of how good my kissing skill is, you didn’t even realize when I put it on you just now. Passionate aren’t we?”

“You....crazy.” He looked carefully at the silver plate “‘God bless you and me’” Reciting the words “What is this supposed to mean hyung?”

“We are officially engaged.”

Kyuhyun was flustered. One of the scariest thing you could ever imagine when dating a movie actor was you would never know when he would do the lamest, goosebumps inducing actions to make you fall harder for them, and you couldn’t escape, not a single chance.  “Are you crazy? Shouldn’t you ask me if I agree to this or not? I have a say on this after all” He launched a fist on Siwon’s arm but Siwon fast enough to catch his wrist and take him into his arms.

“I’ve known your heart better.” Basking in the warmth of Siwon’s protective arms, Kyuhyun melted in an instance, a grateful smile appeared on Siwon’s face, the feeling was mutual, always will. Ignoring how  inappropriate place and timing they had, Siwon lead them to dance with the music of their heartbeats, a content smile settling on Kyuhyun’s lips. At least we could do this...

“Babe... the fireworks are about to stop. I shall go back with the others.” He freed Kyuhyun from his touch.

Kyuhyun nodded and insisted Siwon that he didn’t need to chaperone him to his car.

“Please go home safely. Meet you there babe.” He kissed the lips once again before run across the street and disappeared inside the hotel.

 

“Are you crazy?” A slap as soon as Yunhee met Siwon in the hallway to the dining table.

“Hey....don’t raise your voice like that, our parents might hear you.” Siwon slyly smiled because he expected this and fortunately happened exactly as he wished.

Siwon was not someone who liked hurting woman, he was full of mannerism and polite to the elders, but as much he wished to remain silent with this business marriage, he could no longer conceal the anger once he knew Kyuhyun was dying to be with him.

Siwon’s face remained calm and gentle. “What you saw just now is actually who I really am. Even if I get married to you, I will be still who I am. I am fine with this marriage...but I will never leave him, never in this life or another thousands lifetime. I hope you understand that side of me, my future wife.” He smiled, offering his hand to the lithe girl but got refused immediately.

When Yunhee went back to her seat, she announced that she was not ready for this marriage and the engagement was put off up to indefinite time, Siwon agreed and called it a night.

 

 

Masked Prosecutor filming site

“Siwon.-ah!” Suna welcomed him cheerfully. “Ah finally you came!”

“Noona, thank you for your recommendation. It is an honor for me to work with big star like you.”

“Say someone who actually worked with Jackie Chan and Adrian Brody.” She grimaced.

“But you are Korean goddess noona.” He sniggered

Suna could only laugh at Siwon’s antics. When her co-star passed by the wardrobe room, Suna called out his name

“Ki Joon-ah! Over here!”

The latter turned around and approached the actress only to find that she wanted to introduce Siwon who played as the cameo in their drama.

“Siwon...this is Uhm Kijoon. Kijoon...this is  Choi Siwon...” Suna said gleefully

Siwon and Kijoon stared at each other for an awkward five seconds before taking each other hand with Siwon’s bowing deep.

“Have you two met each other before? Oh well....both of you are actors...must have known each other right?” she jostled Kijoon’s arm playfully and the latter only showed a thin smile. “Besides, the maknae of your group was playing in the same musical with him. Didn’t he ever talk about it? Kyuhyun....right?”

Before Siwon said a word, Suna was called by the coordinator to get his make-up done and had to leave them.

“Guys, I have to finish my make-up. Meet you all at the scene, right? Bye~~” She waved and run to the room across them, leaving the two actors in awkward glancing battle.

“Our Siwonnie.... you finally came! Whoa I am so happy. When they asked me to recommend an idol to cameo, I immediately thought of you and Suna also thought the same. It is such a fate....when will you visit my restaurant again?” Seokchon came saving the moment.

“Ah hyung....” Siwon tried to present his best smile but Seokchon could catch something was off right away “Why are you two so tensed?”

Kijoon looked away, avoiding eyes contact with any of them.

“I remembered. Oh my God..... That cutie baby, the pretty face on Radio Star right?” Seokchon began to clap his hands eagerly and laughed blissfully. “The world is really small....” He sneered “But guys you two shouldn’t fight for him because well... there are so many cute guys out there who also need love, for example...me...you should fight for me once” Seokchon pinched each of them in turn “Right right?”

“I would do that if I love you.” Ki joon said dryly with his usual charismatic smile. “I shall go back to the scene. Please make yourself comfortable.”  He said to Siwon and left both of them dumbfounded.

-----

 

regards.

Serena H