How does love feel? Is it a heartbeat, warming one up from the inside? Or maybe it’s a warm shower of light, lifting the remaining burdens and aches from one’s shoulders, bringing them closer to the stars? Or... is it simply heartbreak? Jongmin has no idea how to label such a thing since he’s never felt it before. Sure, he loves his mother, his fathers, his family and his friends, but this and that are two different things. And this constant ache in his heart is more than uncomfortable; it’s asphyxiating. Not only for the fact that he’s in love with a certain someone he’s not supposed to, but because she’s older than him and going on with her life without even noticing him.

At least, not the way he does.

And while conveying all of these, Jongmin no longer knows what to make out of reality. It’s so confusing for him and mainly the primal reason he didn’t share any of this with his friends. Hyungjun would probably crack up and push him to confess, while Minyoung would make a face and walk away. Not that she doesn’t care, it’s just... the girl he likes is, well...

Which is why, the one person he can truly confine in is no one else but his biological father.

And Jongin listens ardently while his son explains all of these confusing and hurtful things he’s experiencing in the closet of his heart, occasionally taking a sip from his hot chocolate. He knows perfectly how he feels since the girl is just like his mother. And who else but him would know better?

“Mom would make a fuss if she knew,” the boy adds with a heavy sigh and fallen shoulders.

Jongin cannot help but chuckle softly. Imagining Taehee on a rampage would be, above all, a fun show to watch. Though the younger Jong-Jong does have a point. She wouldn’t like it, but she wouldn’t prohibit Jongmin from seeing her if they were to date. Taehee knows better than anyone not to do that.

“We both know that’s not going to happen. Your mother’s not an evil queen seeking to behead anyone who comes to close proximity with you. She’s not that evil.” Jongin adds, to Taehee’s defense.

Jongmin raises a brow, emphasizing the ‘that’ and proceeds on leaning against the bed. He doesn’t know anymore. “I mean, it’s nothing but a crush, though it feels as if my heart were breaking at the thought of not having her by my side. And it’s the first time I ever felt this way and, in all honesty, given our family’s history, I’d rather not mingle with love and such. Not that I’m against love or anything but I don’t want to end up hurt or even worse, hurting the one I love.” He spurts out involuntarily, his eyes widening only afterwards and wanting to apologise for what he’s said. But when he looks at his father, he’s not met with an angry expression. Instead, a warm, distant and knowing smile is plastered on his face as he looks at his cup, his thoughts probably faraway in the past.

“D-dad, I’m sorry...” And he means it.

Jongin, however, shakes his head slowly and begins to speak with honesty. “Not all relationships end in failure. Not every love causes tragedy. Sure with love comes pain, worry and anxiety, but it also is the purest emotion that can bind two people together, capable of warming up even the coldest of hearts. Every relationship is unique, since people are different, so the course of them is different in itself. Your mother and I were an unfortunate exception. We were young and foolish, not knowing how to take in this ‘love’ that presented itself at our doorstep suddenly and without a warning. Mainly because it was nothing we experienced before. I was even bigger of an idiot for not staying when I should have, not tying myself to her when I had the opportunity, because I took time and love for granted. I thought I could always do it, ask her, you know? But just because we didn’t end up like it was expected, it doesn’t mean our love had gone down the drain. And look at your mother now, she’s finally found her happy ending, and I have also found mine."

Jongmin makes a face at the last retort. “Then why didn’t you start a relationship? Why are you alone, living by yourself, without someone else’s warmth?” He doesn’t dislike Taemin. By all means, he loves him. It’s just sometimes, deep within, he wishes his biological parents would be together; that it were Jongin instead of Taemin. Even though he knows it’s not possible and it’s not something he should ponder upon, Jongmin wishes that things didn’t happen the way they did.

Then again, wouldn’t anyone desire to rewrite the past to their liking?

Jongin chuckles softly and looks at his son. “Ignoring that I’m a cripple, I’m still probably one of the most handsome guys in the neighbourhood. But right now, I truly need nothing more than you and this small apartment. I respect Taehee; I admire and look up to her like she were a goddess, for bringing up such an angel like you by herself and never have condemned her for seeking someone’s embrace. I am not the same, however. It is sound to say that she was, is and will always be the woman of my life and with that, I need no one else. In my heart, the one next to me will always be her, and nobody would replace that, ever. So, Minnie, don’t say that love is a bad thing. It is scary, yes, but it’s better to have loved and got hurt than backed away in regret. Nothing is worse than asking yourself ‘what if’ every day.” The older finishes with a knowing smile and Jongmin knows that he’s speaking from experience.

So he decides to drop the subject, having heard all of these things from his father.

“Okay, so, what games should we play?” Jongin asks, breaking the silence and lifting the mood.

//

“No, mom, we didn’t eat just cup noodles. I went to the grocery store and bought some stuff and made a soup.” Jongmin replies with a bored voice, saying the same thing for the third time already that morning, since his mother called.

He’s currently heading to school from his father’s, but since it’s Friday, neither of the two really feel like heading out. But work calls and school calls for each of them.

“Yes, I know, but you could’ve waited for me to pack some food for you to eat. And in the time you went to the shop and prepared dinner, you could’ve gone over your lessons