“Let’s get drunk tonight.” She suggested one night after dinner.

“Okay.” I dumped the dishes in the sink, certain I’d be the one to end up doing them later. I lived with one seriously lazy girl.

“What should we drink, baby?” She asked in a sickly sweet voice. I glanced over in surprise only to find her talking to Yukon.

“Shots.” I opened the cabinet above the fridge and pulled out the Fireball and a couple of shot glasses. I hated the , but she had a few shots every so often after a bad day of work. Or if Ji Eun came over. The two of them liked to drink and talk about all the boys they’d ever been with. I found these conversations endlessly entertaining.

“Let’s play Truth or Dare.” She suggested.

“Hell no. I’m not a masochist.” I placed a glass in front of her and filled it up to the brim.

“Come on, Jimin. It’ll be fun.” She smirked at me before downing her shot.

I took one before sitting down across from her. She looked really pretty with her short hair pulled back into two little pigtails.

“Fine.” I surrendered easily. “You first. Truth or dare?”

“Truth.” She grinned as I poured her another shot.

“What was your first kiss like?” I asked, running a finger around the rim of my glass.

She wrinkled her nose. “It was Ji Eun’s older brother. Spin the bottle. He was seventeen and I was fifteen. We had to kiss in front of all these people and he tried to stick his tongue in my mouth.”

“That sounds terrible.”

“Almost as bad as yours.” She agreed. “I went home and cried myself to sleep.”

“It sounds worse than mine.” I poured her another shot. She sipped at it daintily.

“Truth or dare, baby?” She asked gently. She slid her hand across the table and intertwined our fingers.

“Truth.”

“Would you ever date an idol?”

“I’d prefer to date you.” I answered truthfully. I took another shot as she frowned at me, dissatisfied with my answer.

“No, give me a real answer.”

I thought about it for a moment. “It can’t just be Jeon Ji Hyun?”

“No.” She kicked me underneath the table. “It can’t.”

“Sulli.” I said reluctantly. “From f(x).”

She finished the Fireball in her glass before leaning over the table and kissing me.

“Well, you can’t.” She tapped my nose. “You’re mine.”

I grinned. “What a rare moment of jealousy.”

“I’m not jealous.” She scowled at me before pouring herself some more alcohol. “I just don’t like sharing you. Also Sulli is a thousand times more gorgeous than I will ever be, and she’s sassy as hell and I know you like that. And she’s my favorite.”

“You’re my favorite.” I ran my foot along her leg. “Just you.”

“Your turn.” I could tell the alcohol was starting to hit her as she poured some Fireball for me and sloshed it over the sides of my glass. “Truth or dare?”

“Truth.” I didn’t trust her to come up with any non-ual dares if she was getting drunk. The last time we’d done this, she’d tried to dare me to make out with her. “Wait a second, it’s your turn.”

“Shh.” She put a finger to my lips, blinking slowly. “I have to ask you a question.”

“What is it?” I smiled underneath her touch. My girlfriend was so adorable when she was inebriated.

“Can you wear your War of Hormone outfit home one day? I swear, your looks so great in those pants. I need to see it in person.”

I blushed. “Baby, we’re playing truth or dare. This isn’t some sort of freaky game.”

“I need you to do it.” She whispered, giggling quietly. She rested her head on the table as the alcohol washed over her.

“Truth or dare?” I asked as I reached over to run my fingers through her bangs.

“Truth.” She mumbled, looking up at me from beneath her thick lashes.

“What’s the best you ever had?”

She yawned before answering. “Our first time.”

I stared at her. “Seriously?”

“Yeah.” She whispered. “I mean, obviously we’ve gotten better at it since then, but I fell in love with you that day. It was the first time I’d had with someone I loved and you were just…” She yawned again, “so sweet and gentle. And so ing shy. Your hands were shaking and I could hear the nervous hitch in your breath when I looked into your eyes and I just felt really safe with you.”

She sat up and finished the rest of the alcohol in my glass before continuing. I sat there watching her wordlessly.

“You know, people say experience recommends a man, but I don’t always think that’s the case. I’d only been with experienced guys before you, even when I was just fooling around, and it all felt the same. Decent , but I wish that I hadn’t lost my ity to Tae Joon. You were so much sweeter and so much better. I don’t believe in s or anything, but a big part of me wished that I had never been with anyone but you since you seemed so pure and innocent. Even though you weren’t a , you were so ing sincere. I’d never had such sincere before. I felt like I had wasted my time. Maybe I’m like you, hmm?” She cocked her head at me before closing her eyes. “Maybe with feelings is better.”

She let out a small sigh. “I cared a lot about Tae Joon, but it was never mutual. I used to cry sometimes after we slept together. Tae Young liked me much more than I liked him, and Eun Gyul fell in love with me when I thought we were just casual friends with benefits. I never loved anyone so much as you, Jimin. And I’ve never felt so loved before.”

“I think you should stop drinking.” I said quietly. I screwed the cap on the Fireball and put it back up in the cabinet.

“Are you mad at me?” She whispered, cheek against the cold wood of the table.

“Of course not.” I pulled the ponytails out of her hair and ran my fingers through it. “I just don’t want you to regret telling me all of these things. You’re so talkative when you’re drunk. I’m very sober right now, so I kind of feel like I’m taking advantage of you.”

She stood and stumbled into my arms. I walked her over to the couch and she sat in my lap, absentmindedly playing with my hair as she rested her head against my shoulder.

“I’m not drunk.” She whispered. “I’m just a little tipsy.”

“You’re drunk.” I pinched her nose. “I think you just don’t know the difference between drunk and wasted because you always get wasted.”

“But I’m not even slurring my words.” She protested quietly. “I’m so sober right now. I could call my pastor.”

“You don’t go to church.” I laughed. I rested my hand on her thigh and used the other one to play with her hair.

“Can I ask you a question?” She asked shyly.

“Anything.”

“Why do you wanna date me when you could date any girl you want?” She glanced down as she asked this, avoiding my eyes.

“Because I love you and I want to be with you.” I wrapped my arms around her and held her tightly, nuzzling my nose into her hair.

“Before you loved me, though.” She whispered into my sweater. “Why did you wanna date me?”

“Well, if I’m being honest, because I think you’re beautiful. I know it’s not very romantic, but it’s what initially drew me to you.”

“So you just dated me because you thought I was pretty?”

“I was very taken with you.” I recalled. “But I fell in love with your personality. Being beautiful never hurts, but I’m around beauty all of the time in my industry. You were sassy and mysterious and so confident. I think I fell for your confidence. How you knew you had me wrapped around your little finger.”

“Were you like aual before you met me or something? Because you were so easy to wind up.” She mumbled as she traced circles against my chest.

“No.” I huffed. “I have never been aual.”

“You’re just so sincere.” She kissed my sweater. “I love you for that.”

“Can I ask you a question?” I tapped my fingers against her thigh, slightly nervous.

“Mmm.”

“Why do you…love me?” I swallowed the sudden lump in my throat.

She fell silent for a long while. I ran my fingers through her hair to try and distract myself from the sudden panic gnawing at my insides.

“Do you love me?” I whispered.

“Very much.” She took my face in her hands and softly kissed me once. “I’m just trying to think how to put it in words.”

She suddenly pushed out of my arms and padded into our bedroom. After a few moments she returned with a dilapidated old notebook, which she passed to me before climbing back into my lap.

“What’s this?” I flicked through the pages, catching my name here and there.

“It’s my Jimin journal.” She yawned. “Everything I’ve ever written about you since we first started dating is in there.”

“You have a Jimin journal?” I felt strangely touched. I started to flip back to the beginning, but a fragment of messy writing caught my eye. The page was stained with watermarks; the ink ran in some places, but the writing was still intelligible. I read silently to myself as she leaned against me.

                Happy birthday, my beautiful boy.

I should have kissed you this morning, a happy, romantic, Jimin-esque kiss, but I didn’t

                So now

All I have left are the desperate, melancholy kisses of this morning when I tried to send you away,

                Tried to set you free

And the last final kiss, drenched in the saltiness of my tears, clinging to my lips instead of the usual

                Saccharine sweetness of your mouth against mine.

I glanced over at her and noticed her eyes were closed. I kissed her forehead before turning the page.

You came over today. You brought the sun with you and allowed me to bask in your rays for a few minutes. Not long enough, it’s never long enough.

You came for your clothes, but I didn’t want to give them to you. I’ve been sleeping in a different shirt of yours every day since we broke up. I love your scent, but it’s fast disappearing from the threads of your worn pajamas. I still have your boxers from the first time we had . I’ll never get rid of those, not even twenty-five years from now when I’m grown with a husband and I sleep in his boxers instead of yours. I’ll keep them in a box wrapped up in tissue paper in my closet and from time to time, I’ll take them down and remember the night I fell in love with you.

And then, inevitably, I’ll remember the night I let you go.

You made me laugh today. You always make me laugh. Deep, throaty giggles and high-pitched cackles and sleepy half-sighs in the middle of the night.

I made myself cry today. I told you I loved you and you said you had to leave.

Ji Eun calls me raincloud these days instead of sunshine because I can’t stop crying.

Maybe I’m a raincloud, now that you’re gone. You’ve always been the one to make me shine.

I swiped at my eyes. “What the ? This is so sad.”

She let out a sleepy little yawn as she burrowed into my sweater.

I continued reading.

I know it’s my fault. I know it is, I know, I know, I know. I keep repeating it like mantra in my head, hoping that the sight of Jimin with his arm around another girl will somehow make sense to me if I say it enough times.

But it doesn’t make sense, so I’m home alone crying in the bathtub with my knees pulled up to my chest, trying to control the aching sobs racking through my body. Trying to control my aching heart that I’ve broken of my own free will.

“She’s not you.” He whispered to me.

I know he meant it to comfort me or something. To try and tell me he hasn’t replaced me, but all I can hear are my own insecurities telling me it’s for the better. He’s found someone new, he’s found someone better and

She’s not you.

She’s not you, she’s not you.

He hasn’t replaced me, he’s upgraded.

That precious little wisp of a girl probably doesn’t have an ounce of sass in her body. She’s probably made out of sunshine and sugar and probably Jimin will fall in love with her in five seconds and I’ll be left to drown my sorrows in my own tub of tears.

“She’s not you.” He whispered to me.

“Good.” I said. “Maybe she’ll make you happy.”

I hope she makes him happy, because all I can remember is his tear-stained face when he told me he hated when I cried.

I broke his heart on his birthday, but he was just sad that I’d made myself cry.

I raised my hand to absentmindedly play with her hair. I needed to touch her, needed to let her know I loved her, somehow.

I skipped the next few pages, too heart-sore to read more about our breakup.

Merry Christmas to me. It’s a little early, but I’ve already stolen the best present I could have received.

Oh, mistletoe.

Formally a foe to be avoided at all costs, but now a dear friend I welcome with open arms.

In a fit of mischief and longing and holiday spirit, I stole a kiss from Jimin and spirited away like an elf.

I don’t care that he’s dating an actual elf, or maybe a forest sprite, or a tiny girl three years younger.

I’m three years older than him and only an inch and a half shorter (although we both claimed two),

But he loved me once, and I love him still. I wanted to kiss him, and so I stole one.

He gifted me with several more small ones. From the way his fingers held my waist, he didn’t want to

Let go.

But it’s what we both have to do. Let go and move on. I suppose he’s already done that with Sophia,

But I didn’t care. I couldn’t care. He just looked so gorgeous and kissable and sweet and sad.

And I’m still so in love with him.

My beautiful boy, no longer mine.

Perhaps my Christmas will not be quite so merry after all.

“I’m glad your Christmas was happier than expected.” I ruffled her hair and she moaned in her sleep.

I skipped several more pages. I wanted to read about when we were together.

To my darling love,

You are sleeping and I am wide awake in the middle of the night. I just wanted to tell you that you are the sweetest person possibly ever to exist, but you’re sleeping and I don’t want to wake you.

My grandfather’s in the hospital and I’m incredibly weepy, but you have remained unfazed. I’m convinced you’re an angel of some sort. With that smile and those eyes, you must be some sort of ethereal being. No one human could ever look this beautiful sleeping.

Have I told you that I love you enough today?

You always look so surprised every time it slips from my mouth in some rush of unbridled affection. It’s so hard for me to say it, but I pray you can see it in my eyes, or feel it in my touch. Hear it in the sound of my voice whispering your name. Do you know, angel, that I have fallen so hard for you?

I dream of your eyes, your soft whisper, your gentle touch. I find myself enraptured by the simplest things, like your childish giggle, or the way your fingers curl around the sheets in your sleep. I’ve never been so obsessed with a man’s fingers before. I could write an ode to your nose and dedicate a sonnet to your lips, but I placate myself with kisses.

Love’s finest poetry, in my opinion.

And your kisses are sweeter than any well-crafted line I’ve ever laid eyes on.

You’re beginning to stir in your sleep and I’m tempted to tackle you and cover you in kisses, but I’ll just shut the light off and curl up safe and warm in your beautiful arms.

I love you.

I shut the notebook and kissed her forehead.

“You’re too good at keeping secrets.” I whispered. She didn’t wake when I picked her up and carried her into our bedroom.

I lay next to her in the darkness, feeling loved and also a little lonely. My shy little sweetheart loved me, but she only shared her deepest thoughts about me with her journal.

“If I’m your angel, you are most assuredly my dear little devil.”

I kissed her softly on the nose before falling asleep.