It started long time ago, since I was a child, I didn’t know what was the meaning of being loved ever, kisses, hugs, or sweet words are unknown in my world. I live in a different world than yours. A world that consist of violence, harsh words, humiliating, and nothing else. I became a fan of being alone, I don’t trust anybody, even my sister or brother, they will tell everything they know to my oh-so-called parents. Yes this ing life I`m living is because of these heartless people, I don’t understand really, If they hate me this much, why did they bring me to life from the first place?

Two years ago, I became a fan of k-pop, since I live with my phone of course, SHINee appeared in my life suddenly, I became a fan and started to follow their news. I didn’t care about anything else since no one deserves my attention. 'Jinki' has become my model in life, cheerful, funny, smiley and let you feel that there is nothing to worry about in the world. Once I saw he said that "smile whatever the situation is" Jinki, can I really smile? I.. In the past, I hoped to die as soon as possible, until they appeared? May be I found something to look forward to.

For the first time, in 2013, I cried, for the first time, I didn’t cry because of my oh-so-called mom. I cried for them, they won that award and they looked super happy, I know that this award had nothing to do with me, but I didn’t experience crying because of joy before, will I ever be able to cry happily for myself once? I know that I sound like a psychopath, but I`m afraid, I`m afraid to be alone forever with this family. That I will continue crying like a loser forever.

I don’t hide the fact that I thought a lot about killing myself, easy, cut, red, then black and everything will be fine, but every time I think of it one thing appeared in my mind: they won't care, no one will care, but key had another opinion in this, I saw that comment of his in instagram, he talked to a fan and told her to stop harming herself! And year later, he came back to her account and liked her new wrist photo, to tell her that I`m still watching you. At least, I found somebody to care about me, they care about SHINee world, and they care about us. Once, I want to meet them once, to thank them once. Thank you, you don’t left me alone, you don’t left any of us alone.

About my relationship with the woman that people call her 'my' mother. It is horrible, she can`t stop ordering me around, whenever I have a free time she will order me to clean the house and do 'every' inch of it, and I mean it by every inch. And by the end, she will say exactly:"stupid girl, you don’t have any benefit in the world, I don’t know why you are living from the first place, no one will look at you, no man will think even to look at you, you will stay in my face forever" and for the bastard who is called father, he doesn’t defend me ever, whatever she said he will agree immediately. About relationships, I`m really jealous of jonghyun relationship with his mother and sister, that lovely relationship becomes my dream, I wish that they will love each other like this forever, since he is happy, I can imagine myself happy.

For the spoiling, I can envy taemin as much as I can. The word 'spoil' for me is a word I can see in the dictionary only. Taemin as they say has a lovely family. Meanwhile, the other members spoiled him so much until the fan has the feeling that taemin is really a baby, two mothers, key and his real mother, and the others really love him a lot, their friendship is really the source of my envy. I wish I have friends who I can share my secrets with, or at least a shoulder to cry on. Never mind, I`m hopeless.

Warm heart, a word that describe Minho in details. The feeling of being secure left my life since I was born. Until I heard his words, how he encourages every one of us, how he care and how he know the right words to say, he warm my heart, my cold heart long time ago.

Lee Jinki, I don’t have a word to describe you. You know? Your smile means the world to me, thank you so much for being here for us, I love you.

Kim Jonghyun, your voice can take anybody to a dreamland where we can smile without the need of worrying about anything, thank you for being here for us, I love you.

Key, I never imagined that a person like you is really with us in this planet, thank you for being here for us, I love you.

Minho, what should I say to you? But you know? Your daughter will be the luckiest girl in the world, thank you for being here for us, I love you.

Taemin, should I say again that I envy you again? You know? Your words don’t fail ever to make me smile in my horrible situations, thank you for being here for us, I love you.