So, i am a monster... a monster... i've turned into a monster. What happened, i was fine back then but now... i am a monster

Can i clear my conscience if i am different from the rest. Do i have to run and hide?  ( a/n : yea.... these are like some little lyrics from monster of imagine dragons.)

Siwon sat on his bed with his favourite white and black shirt. Heechul bought it for him.( more of heechul bought it for himself but it was too big so he gave it to siwon.) It was siwons favourite. it was his favourite colour and it had heechuls scent.

Siwon had been staring into space drowning himself with the internal battle ( war ) going on in his mind. It was sanity vs. insanity. He really did not mean to hurt heechul. he thought that heechul was secretly loving it. He thought that heechul would just ignore siwon parents and just be together with him. Siwon was desperate for heechul to be just his. all his. He wanted heechul to be with him without any worries. It had been like that at the start of their realtionship.Every night, heechul and siwon would shower each other with kisses and sometimes they would sleep together in each others bed.

The door opened and kangins head popped in.

" siwon, you want to talk?"

" no."

"are you sure?"

"yeah"

" okay...."

Kangins head left but instead of feeling happy or glad that he was alone, he started scolding himself for rejecting kangin's comfort. Why are you soooo dumb you pabo... ...   You should just die. Die. Die alone in the depts of hell since you want to be alone. He wanted to be with heechul so badly. But now, there is a monster inside. He wanted to hide the truth he wanted to shelter heechul but with the beast inside there was just no where to hide.( a/n: some imagine dragons, demons, lyrics. ^ ^ ) Siwon decided to write in his diary. He didnt know why he wanted to but his gut told him to .

"Dear diary, There is a monster inside of me. I know it. I dont know why it came to me. I didnt want this burden. It made me hurt heechul. I dont get why or what are his reasons to 'forsake' our love just to obey my parents. He isnt the type of people to be obeident. He is never like that to any group members but leetuek... I hope this monster leaves soon. Now. I want it gone. But if it cant go, maybe i can make use of it. Maybe i can show heechul my love for him through it. Most likely this monster is love. a very strong unbreakable love now that i think of it. Love is good , many great things came from love. The bible says so too. "Love is patient, love is kind, it is not jealous; love does not brag, it is not arrogant, it does not act unbecomingly, it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away." 

Siwon smiled to himself. Not a smile made of happiness or any thing positive. But a creepy cold smile that when you see someone on the street have you avoid at all cost as it tells people that you are crazy. It shows that you are losing the inner battle. He closed his diary and went to the living room after taking out a bottle of wine and gulped down its contents. He didnt have to drink the whole bottle to