It's raining.

It's always raining, Chanyeol notes, as claws dig into sodden earth, head tilted towards the sky. He doesn't mind. It's strangely fitting. As though the heaven's themselves are crying and today it seems the tears are falling harder and faster than before. Fur sticks to his face, eyes closing to try and blot out the greys and blacks that streak across what he longs so much to be a blank blue canvas again. Because that means there's a future, that something can be painted across it and he can hope... dream... love.

It's raining.

The sky is overcast and gloomy and as Chanyeol's eyes open to face it again, he's taken by just how much it matches the shadows that are rooted so deep in his soul that he's scared he'll never understand what light is. It's been months and the one light that made his sorry existence worth living has slowly faded until there's barely anything... and yet he fights and clings onto it because there's a part of him that desperately wants for it to burst into life again.

But it won't.

It can't.

He knows that. He knows it all too well.

Eyes the colour of flaming embers glare into the pitted darkness taking over the horizon and there's some small part of the wolf that wants to flee. To chase the sun and hope that when he catches it, everything will be alright again because he feels so cold and longs so much to feel heat on his face again. To feel warmth pressed against his cheeks, holding on tight and never letting go. But that sun is disappearing fast and so are Chanyeol's dreams along with it and the pain that settles in his ribs threatens to shatter what's left of him.

It's raining.

And it's only as he let's the realization hit him that the pain lances through him and it's like his heart fractures, chipping away. Because it's been months and the skies have never cleared. They've only gotten gradually darker and darker and swallowed the fire that is Chanyeol, engulfed the very thing that gave him life. Swept it away, not in one fell swoop. He thinks that might have been better. To have it happen suddenly. Because then he could deal with it.

But this...

To watch as the months tick by... to watch the light slowly fading away and knowing it's /his/ fault. The guilt suffocates his every waking moment and haunts him when he sleeps. Despite holding on so tight it hurts, he knows he's to blame. And that's what makes the time ticking by so much more painful. Because soft lips and bright eyes that have lost the shine of energy they once had repeat the same words over and over. “It's not your fault.”

But it is.

It's all his fault.

Something nudges at his flank, muzzle pressing into fur that's soaked and slick. There's a whine and Chanyeol recognizes that scent anywhere. He turns his gaze to look at the storm grey wolf, gazing into feral green eyes and the tightening in his chest only worsens. There's a sadness so deep those emerald irises that it cuts Chanyeol like a knife, slicing through his own self pity. Because he knows he's not the only one hurting. He knows it.

And he tries to show it by rubbing his nose against that of the smaller wolf, heart hammering painfully against his ribs at the heartwrenching whine that leaves the others' throat. His tongue laps across the others' face and he can't hold back the whimper as the smaller presses his muzzle harder into him. He knows why he's here. The sense of what's to come radiates from him and again, he's taken by the need to flee. To chase the horizon and never look back.

It's raining as the two wolves turn silently, paws leaving imprints in puddle-speckled earth, side by side yet neither saying anything. They don't need to. There's no use for words between wolves. He can feel the pain emanating in waves off his companion and he can only imagine how his own feels in return.

It only gets worse, the closer they get to the sterile white building. There's others; white, grey and brown, with various shades of brown, orange and yellow eyes all staring at him as he approaches and th green eyed wolf only presses himself closer because the weight of theirs stares... Chanyeol can feel it to the very tips of his claws. One in particular is judging him. The large, black wolf with the piercing yellow eyes that's stood closest to the door. Chanyeol's head dips automatically at the alpha and he's almost certain that he sees just a flicker of sympathy deep in those eyes, but before he can say anything, the others have all moved away.

Loneliness sets in and the gray wolf gives him a final nuzzle, burying his face deep in the thick, wet ruff of Chanyeol's neck. They've all gone silent. The pack mind, that used to be so lively, has quietened to the softest of whispers and he can barely make out who is talking anymore. Chanyeol watches as the smaller wolf leaves to join the others and he's left facing the doors.

A stray ray of light filters through the foggy haze of grey that seems to have suddenly whitewashed everything, pooling near the large red wolf that is Chanyeol. Does he dare to hope? Does he dare to reach out and grasp onto that ray like it's a lifeline?

But it's raining.

It's still raining.

It'll always rain for Chanyeol.

It's been months.

He can still remember the day they met. The sun had been shining bright that day, beating down on Chanyeol as he lay beside the pool, enjoying his freetime with friends. He had been there... auburn hair and skin kissed by the sun so it was faintly pink and oh how Chanyeol had fallen in love right then and there. He's not sure whether it was the way his entire face lit up when he smiled, or the way his laughter sounded like a million birds bursting into song. Or even the way he seemed to radiate energy, life. All he knows is that the day he first laid eyes on Byun Baekhyun, he knew he had to have him.

It didn't take long for them to get close. In just a few short months, Chanyeol found Baekhyun loved to sing, liked to talk and made the cutest sounds whenever he was trying to fall asleep. He watched as he changed his hair from auburn, to black, to wine, to red and then back to that gorgeous reddish colour that he knew Chanyeol loved so much. He learned Baekhyun had a soft spot for pups and he loved to swim.

They shared their first kiss in a sudden shower of rain and Chanyeol still remembers the way Baekhyun's hair stuck to his face. How they had met and teeth had clashed, but they had laughed about it. Because they laughed a lot. That was just how they were. Even as the months passed, they spent most of it laughing at each other, at their friends, at the world. But that first kiss, with the rain dropping heavy on them... Chanyeol would never forget the way his heart swelled, how Baekhyun had claimed his mouth with a smile as they tried to hold back laughter and how hands had pressed almost possessively against soaked clothes.

Nor would he forget the first time they had . They laughed a lot then too, because Chanyeol wasn't all that experienced, and again Baekhyun had led him, soothed him, told him it was all okay. That he wasn't doing bad, but that he was an idiot. He can still remember the way Baekhyun's back arched off the bed once he /finally/ got it right, and the gasp that came with it.

It's been months, he realises, since he's thought about these things.

It's been months and Chanyeol's watched as each minute ticks away and a part of Baekhyun has disappeared with it. It's all Chanyeol's fault. He knows it is. It doesn't matter how many times Baekhyun tries to tell him otherwise. Chanyeol caused this. He hadn't been careful enough.

Months ago.

Guilt laces his system as he shifts, hair messy and sticking out all over the place, pulling on dry clothes as he passes beyond the ominous doors. The air is thick and it hurts to breathe but he can't turn back. He owes Baekhyun this much. To turn back now, to leave him when he's needed the most... Chanyeol doesn't have the heart to do it. He'd never be forgiven by his pack, by Baekhyun... by himself. So he walks with a heavy heart down the pristine white hall, swallowing back the need to vomit as he nears the doors he's gotten familiar with these last few months.

A shaky hand presses against wood and he hesitates for a moment, fighting back the tears that cause his chin to tremble, eyes watering so much he can barely see. Just the thought of what awaits him beyond the doors makes his knees weak and he curses inwardly at himself because this is /HIS/ fault and he can't turn away now. Not when this whole thing is his fault.

He pushes on the door, forcing it open and as he steps across the threshold, he pushes back the pain that's pulling on his very being and forces a bright smile onto his face.

 

- - - - - - -

 

The sun is shining.

Baekhyun opens eyes that are entirely too heavy as his hearing picks up the doors opening and his gaze settles on a face he's more than familiar with. A small smile picks up the corners of his mouth and he reaches out, wanting to feel the warmth of Chanyeol's hands around his again. His tongue slips from between his lips, and he winces as they sting, but he doesn't really care because Chanyeol is here. Just like he always has been.

Warmth envelops his hand and he sighs softly in relief. He was feeling so so cold, but the sun has risen and he relaxes against his pillows, fighting the urge sleep. He can't sleep. Not yet. It's still daytime. The clouds haven't rolled over to block out the light just yet. So he can't sleep.

But he's aching. Every part of him is tired. So tired. The exhaustion has set into the very marrow of his bones and he's not entirely sure when it happened, but it's harder for him to move now. All of that doesn't matter, however, as he blinks sleepily at Chanyeol, drinking in the comforting heat of his smile. He can see it wavering and he knows how hard Chanyeol's fighting to keep it together, for him.

His voice is small as he tries to speak and Chanyeol tries to silence him with a soft kiss to his parched lips, but he still murmurs against the other's mouth. He seeks comfort from that kiss, the love and life behind it as Chanyeol lingers on his lower lip. “Chanyeol... please...”

“I can't...”

And Baekhyun can hear the cracking as Chanyeol breaks above him and his own heart shatters. The choked sob that slips from Chanyeol's lips, and the way he bites on his lip to try and stifle it. Baekhyun's eyes meet his and he musters all the strength he has to fingers against the taller's cheek.

“Chanyeol... for me...”

Baekhyun's eyes close and a smile spreads across his face as he feels Chanyeol nod against his hands.

Strange, he notes, as darkness sets in, blotting out the sun.

It's raining.