The First Secret

It was a rather loud afternoon in the dorm with four boys yelling and fighting each other, all for fun of course. They had gotten quite used to each other and often had playful wrestling matches. Even the youngest ‘Taemin’ competed... Even though he always got pummeled by the others.

"Hyung, no fair! I totally won that race,” The magnae whined.

They were currently playing ‘Need for Speed’ on the PlayStation 3, and Taemin had tried to beat the master of speed... Jonghyun. If you wanted sports, you went to Minho, other random games were Jinki’s specialty. The only thing Taemin ever won were dancing games.

"The game decides that, and it crowned me the winner Tae. Round of beer on me!" Jonghyun yelled with glee.

The other three shook their heads. They were still under aged so instead it was round of cola. They continued on with their game day and paid no mind to another person that was comfortably wrapped up in his pink sheets, had a pen rested in his hand and scribbled down words on a piece of paper that no one in the world knew about.

Kibum rather enjoyed writing down his ideas. Thanks to his soon to be band mates he got one idea after the other and penned them down with ease. He started writing when he was a child. His grandmother taught him how to write his first words and then he learned it at school.

After some time he became enraptured with creating life through the art of writing. Sure he read manga’s and comics, but nothing could set off your imagination more than written stories.

The other boys had no clue he loved to write, they knew him as the silent one. That was the result of drowning himself in writing, he had forgotten how to socialize and just talk about nonsense. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to, he just couldn’t. So in the end it came down to his favorite pen and a sheet of paper.

He mostly wrote from experience. When something happened with one of boys he would write a small piece about it. It was his way of processing daily events. He often thought of who was the most interesting person in the dorm.

Jinki was clumsy and kind of awkward within big groups. He was also very unlucky and could almost never do something right. Even so he was kind and thought before he said anything, that was which made him a great leader

Minho was the competitive type and never backed down from a challenge. He loved sports and computer games. Though he came off relativity silent in public, he could get really loud and obnoxious when they were home.

Then there was Taemin. Cute, adorable little Taemin. The boy that could make everyone dance to his tune and give him what he wanted. He was a joy to spend time with but he was a bit ignorant.

And last but not least, Jonghyun. Kibum found him the most interesting. Mostly because he had such confidence and pride. He had a large ego and knew what he wanted. Though he was kind of an idiot sometimes, he made up for that with his comedian side. He was kind and generous and never lost his patience when it came to Kibum. He had once said ‘you can’t force a guy to talk if he doesn’t want to. If he wants to, we’ll hear him’. Words that had made Kibum tear up just a bit. And even though he couldn’t solve math equations and speak well in English, he was still pretty smart in his own way.

Maybe he also thought Jonghyun was the most interesting because he had feelings for the older boy. The moment he walked through the dorm’s front door Kibum had been pinned down to the wooden floor and had followed the handsome boy with unwavering eyes. Hungry for more seconds to bask in Jonghyun’s appearance, heart beating a million beats a minute and threatening to give out under the strain. If he had a fan at that moment, he would have leaned on the table next to him and fan himself like you saw all those ladies in the movies do if there was a handsome man in the room.

Kibum stopped writing for a second when he heard the yelling had stopped. Suddenly a ruckus was heard and a scream, something had happened in the kitchen. A stampede of feet ran to the said room and helped the person that had been hit by the pans and other kitchen tools.

Kibum swiftly got out of his bed and joined the others in the kitchen. Apparently it had been Taemin who had been subdued by the wrath of the cooking appliances.

"Hyungs~ it hurts,” Taemin whined with a sad pout and glassy eyes, on the verge of crying.

All three of the hyungs started lifting the cooking appliances off the magnae, and before they could even lay a finger on him, Kibum had already started checking him on injuries. The others seemed a bit surprised by Kibum’s sudden appearance, though when they saw Kibum tried to take care of Taemin they sat down on the kitchen floor.

"Thank you Kibum-hyung,” The youngest one grinned when he was checked and taken care of.

Kibum smiled and ruffled the boy’s hair, getting an annoyed pout in return. The others laughed and Jonghyun slug an arm around the silent boy. Kibum immediately melted at the touch and scooted closer to the source of warmth. He shivered a bit - it was winter after all.

"I think someone is cold,” Jonghyun cooed and poked the boy’s nose.

The latter answered by hugging the older boy’s body closer and burying his face in the exposed neck. He heard Jonghyun snicker and pat his head. Kibum could have sworn he whispered ‘so cute’ but he wasn’t sure.

"Why don’t you get your blanket and join us on the couch. We were going to watch a movie with some food,”

Kibum nodded at the suggestion and felt a bit guilty. He should spend more time with his band mates, especially Jonghyun. He didn’t know, but it felt like Jonghyun was lonely and itching to have some skinship with someone. Of course he could do the normal things with Taemin, but the other things that were more romantic were a problem. There was no way in hell that Jinki or Minho would agree to such treatment.

Kibum was a different story altogether. He liked it when Jonghyun touched him behind his ear, or fiddled with his fingers. Sometimes he would his sides lovingly and Kibum couldn’t help but enjoy the intimate affection. He never had something more than a hug or a kiss on the cheek.

In the meantime he had claimed his blanket and skipped down the hallway. He stopped when he hear his band mates talking about him.

"You know, even if Kibum hyung doesn’t talk, you can clearly see that he likes us and tries to reach out,” The voice of Taemin chirped.

"That’s true, but he’s like a dead fish in the water if he doesn’t start talking soon,” Minho voiced, exasperated with the dilemma.

"You know manager hyung told us we had three months to get him to talk. Two months have already passed and have you heard him vocalize anything?" Jinki explained with worry, seems like they all knew about it.

Kibum’s ears perked up at Jonghyun’s voice.

"Jinki hyung is right and so is Minho-ah, but we are all forgetting something here,” A short silence, "Kibum is the one it’s about and nothing is going to change if we don’t tell him... Three months guys, and we wasted two of them. So I say you listen to me this time. A person can’t change when they don’t know what to change. Imagine what Kibum would feel if he had to leave at the end of this month, how would we feel? Sure he’s not with us a lot, but I can’t imagine that Kibum isn’t sitting in his room. I don’t want to regret never giving Kibum a chance,” He asserted with strength.

A few hums in agreement came from the others and they began exchanging strategies on how to tell the silent boy. Kibum backed away and ran to his room. He grabbed his notebook, tore the sheet with his story from it and grabbed his marker.

While walking back, blanket strapped around his hips, he chalked something down on the white paper. He blinked profusely, trying not to let his weak side conquer -to no avail- and stepped into the living room. The others immediately stopped talking and gazed at the boy, whose cheeks were stained with tears.

He turned the notebook around and trembled.

‘I’m sorry.’

Soundless sobs left his fragile frame and he just wished he could change his past. So it would have never happened to him. He trembled and sank through his knees, trying to rub the salty tears away with his baggy sleeves, trying to remain his usual self, but he couldn’t do it anymore. He was tired of being alone all the time, he was lonely, he wanted to talk. He wanted to be someone.

He felt someone picking him up and seating him on something soft, the couch most likely. That someone was hesitantly patting his head and there were circles being traced on his back. They were comforting him?

"Why are you sorry Kibummie?" Jonghyun asked, he returned the notebook and marker to their owner and beckoned Kibum to write anything he wanted.

The silent boy started to write slowly, tears occasionally dripping on the paper.

‘I’m sorry for being a burden to you. I am sorry for not trying to talk or trying to get to know you better.’

"You are not a burden Kibum. We are just sad that you don’t want to share your voice with us. If you want to become a singer you will have to be able to use your voice like we do,” Jinki assured him, patting his knee in his squared down position.

Kibum ripped the paper off and scribbled something new on the canvas.

‘Thank you! I really do want to talk, but my voice doesn’t come out. I feel so lonely sometimes, because even if I would be here with you I wouldn’t be able to participate in the conversation you are having.’

The others hummed at the statement and it went silent for a while. Until Taemin piped up.

"When did you lose your voice? When is the last time you heard it?"

Kibum scribbled down the answer hesitantly. He wasn’t sure if this would get a good reaction.

‘Last time I heard it was when I was ten... I had an operation on my throat.’

"Ehhh!" The all proclaimed loudly.

"Why did you have an operation on your throat if you wanted to become a singer?" Jonghyun questioned, moved a strand of hair behind Kibum’s ear, making him blush slightly.

‘I had throat cancer and the tumors were near my vocal cords. If they hadn’t removed it I could have died from oxygen shortage.’ Kibum wrote, droplets of salty liquid hitting the surface again.

Silence... They didn’t know what to say to this. Kibum hadn’t voluntarily refused to speak, he just couldn’t?!

"Oh my god,” Taemin whispered in shock.

Jonghyun hugged Kibum closer and lifted him onto his lap. He kept his back and saying it would be okay. That everything would turn out great if they just worked on it.

And Kibum believed it.