“So you didn’t pick anyone up from that night? I told you, this is so not your thing. Listen to me and try going out with my friend, eo?” Mino nagged, his back to Taehyun as he booted up his laptop.

Taehyun was lying on the couch of Mino’s apartment with his legs propped up. He’d come over after his classes because Mino asked him to and, well, it’s not like he had anything better to do anyway.

“I’ll give you his number so jus–”

“Kang Seungyoon.” Taehyun uttered lowly before Mino could finish his sentence.

“What?” The older male paused, turning around to look at him with wide eyes.

“Kang Seungyoon. Do you know him? I talked to him briefly that night; he’d wanted to buy me a drink.” Mino frequented the clubs every now and then, so Taehyun thought he might know or have heard of some of the regulars around. He tilted his head back to look at his friend, even though it was a rather awkward angle and he was looking at Mino’s face upside down. Even so, the shock in his expression was apparent.

“Oh god, of all people.” Mino muttered under his breath and facepalmed. “No, nonono. You can’t. Not him. Pick someone else, anyone but Kang Seungyoon.”

Mino had turned his chair around completely so he was facing Taehyun, and the younger sat up slowly. “Why?”

“I’ve heard a lot about him, that Kang Seungyoon. He’s a master of seduction, that one, and can charm his way into anyone’s pants, or that’s what they all say. Every time he goes to the club, he’d pick someone up, no same person twice–”

“Except that night.” Taehyun mumbled in sudden recollection of the night’s events. Kang Seungyoon had left the club alone.

“What?”

“That Friday night. He left without anyone, after talking to me and the bartender, Seunghoon, told him to play elsewhere because I’m not his type.”

“That’s not the point, Taehyun-ah! The point is he’d just you and leave! None of the relationships people managed to somehow convince him into ever lasted anything more than a couple of weeks. And Seunghoon-hyung is right, you’re not his type, or more like he’s not your type. You’ll never get anything out of him, he’ll never commit.” Mino was getting frustrated seeing no real reaction from Taehyun. “He’s a heartbreaker, that guy! I can’t let you go ahead with this, I’m serious, Nam Taehyun!”

The younger male was silent for a while, but then finally broke into a smile. “Good. I’ll pick him then.”

“What? Were you even listening to me?”

“I’m not looking for a happy ending, Mino-ah, it’s fine.” Taehyun patted his fretting best friend’s knee in an attempt to reassure him before he could say more in objection.

Mino just stared at him speechlessly and finally heaved a defeated sigh, accepting that there was no changing Taehyun’s mind. There he is with that happy ending nonsense again. This whole idea is totally crazy and he was sure Taehyun is walking straight into disaster, but what could he do if Taehyun himself wanted it? He just had to play the supportive best friend role and be ready to catch him if he falls then. Not if, when. 

“Wait, you know the bartender? Lee Seunghoon?” Taehyun looked at him questioningly.

“Yeah, I know him from school. How else do you think I would dare to leave you at the bar all alone? Brat.” Mino flicked his nose lightly, and Taehyun stuck out his tongue, pulling a face.

“Hey, you know what else they all say about Kang Seungyoon?” Mino eyed Taehyun and leaned in closer, lowering his voice to a conspiratory whisper, “That he has a big d–”

“OH for god’s sake!” Taehyun snorted and pushed the older’s face away, making him burst into laughter. He lay back down on the couch with his hands cushioning the back of his head, starting to think about how to go about approaching the predator himself.

Both Seunghoon and Mino had said the same thing about Kang Seungyoon; he was a total Casanova only looking for one night stands or casual flings, but it was only for the . What did Taehyun have to do to actually attract him? He already did it once; Kang Seungyoon had wanted to buy him a drink that night, hadn’t he? Surely he could do it again, only without Seunghoon’s intervention this time. Then again, the bartender had implied that Seungyoon didn’t care whether his partner was male or female, so does that mean he’d go for just anyone? What–

The door to Mino’s apartment opened then, revealing his long-time boyfriend, Kim Jinwoo. All of Mino’s remaining worries vanished upon the sight of Jinwoo’s bright doe eyes, and his face creased into a big smile immediately.

“Jagiya! You’re back early!” He bounded over, wrapping his arms around Jinwoo from behind and resting his cheek in the older’s hair.

“Eo, one of my tutorials got cancelled so I’m home. Aigoo, what’s with this kid today…” Jinwoo chuckled when Mino didn’t release him, and reached back around to ruffle the taller male’s hair. “Oh, Taehyunie, you’re here too! Are you staying for dinner?”

Taehyun, who’d greeted the older, then watched on fondly as the pair went about the house with Mino still clinging to Jinwoo’s back. Jinwoo kept telling Mino to let go and that it was difficult for him to walk with another human attached to him, but there was no annoyance or any real effort to stop his boyfriend’s silly antics. They’ve been together for so many years now – yes, too many for even a best friend to be sure of without having to count – and through Taehyun’s eyes, it was always such an impossibly blissful and comfortable relationship between the two, simple but filled with care and tenderness.

Isn’t it nice? Taehyun thought and smiled a bit bitterly, to have someone waiting for you at every end of the day, to have safe arms to run back to even when it seemed like the sky is crumbling, to be protected and to mean the entire world to another person? These are the things he could probably safely say he had never felt in the 25 years of his life.

How pathetic.

Even though he knew he was doing this only to feel that crushing pain at the end, so that maybe his heart that had shut down for so long could come back to life, Taehyun had a foolish hope that maybe – if he was lucky – he could also get to feel the by-product of having a relationship, the reason why everyone wanted one.

To be fiercely protected and cared for, for the first time.

***

Nam Taehyun had once been someone who would become a fool for love.

He had been single for about four years now. The first and only time he had been in a relationship was so long ago it was hard to really remember the nit-gritty details, like how they got together and why they broke up. Not that it mattered anymore by now.

His ex-boyfriend wasn’t bad, but he wasn’t that much a good one either (though if Taehyun had to be honest, he was more on the bad side). They were both young then; fresh out of high school and uncertain about the next phase of their lives, probably neither of them really knew what they wanted at that time other than someone to call their own. They never did fit well, and despite the numerous attempts at making things work, there were inherent differences between them that could not be reconciled. To put it simply, their relationship had ran its course and they were meant to go separate ways. His ex-boyfriend had been the one to call it off. It spanned almost two years, and that was all to Taehyun’s romantic history. 

He hadn’t been in another relationship since, hadn’t wanted one. It might be too much to say his ex-boyfriend made him this way. Even though all that came to mind when he thought about that particular past were the bad bits of the relationship, he still didn’t like to think that the guy had changed him in such a way. Wouldn’t that make him really special, if he was the only one who had ever had Taehyun?

Maybe it was just life that had worn him down.

After breaking up, Taehyun had struggled to find his place, learning to be okay with being on his own again. He had to tear down the comfort zone he had built for two people and recreate another one that belonged only to him. Much as it might sound absurd, it was really like he had forgotten the way he lived for nearly twenty years before having that someone else in his life, and he had to relearn it all over again. Bit by bit, he learnt to eat alone, take public transport alone, and even go to the movies alone.

Now, four years after, Taehyun no longer thought it was worth it. He had made himself so comfortable and carefree in his aloneness that it didn’t make sense for him to throw it all away, and for what? Companionship? Hugs and kisses? It hardly compensates for all the bull that comes along with a relationship; all the fights and trust issues, insecurities and breaking himself down again. It just wasn’t worth it anymore.

Looking at his friends, or acquaintances around him who go through separation even after having spent so many years together, even when everyone had once thought they would be forever, Taehyun couldn’t help but think that it all comes to naught. Why go through all that trouble if it ends anyway? You only have yourself in the end. Having to break down his walls, to accommodate another person into his life, to let them make a home out of him and ultimately leave; it wasn’t worth the trouble. He wants to not need anyone, not love anyone. Taehyun had thought that only in that way, he could be invincible.

To become a fool for love… just once is enough.

So his heart shut down.

It was a slow descent into this nothingness. Bit by bit, Taehyun had taken baby steps towards total aloneness without him quite realising. He’d blocked all possibilities of new relationships out of his life; he never smiled back at the person smiling at him from across the room, never so much as looked at the people passing him by, and shied away from anyone who tried to be anything more than a casual friend. People have called him cold and practical, but if he wasn’t any of those things, who was going to protect him? He had to protect himself; he had to guard his heart.

Yet now, this aloneness that had once protected and healed him seemed to be consuming him from the inside, slowly withering and rotting his heart. He’d pushed and buried everything so deep down that his heart became deaden and numb, and he no longer knew how to feel. Sometimes it was hard to tell if he was still alive or already dead. Had it really hurt so much then? He couldn’t remember anymore, other than a distant memory of how the days following his breakup had felt like an endless struggle, like he’d never get better.

Taehyun had thought that pain would probably be the most impactful emotion, that if someone hurt him in that way again, it might jolt his heart into feeling that same kind of pain. Maybe he’s a masochist, but he longed to feel that pain, or any kind of feelings of that intensity again, instead of just… nothing – a kind of emptiness so deep that if he’s not careful, he’d fall in and wouldn’t be able to climb out again for a long time.

Taehyun has a theory that everyone’s hearts are like vessels that are filled with the love they have. They will give this love to others, but when people have been unkind with them, or made them upset, that level of love depletes a little as well. But everyone has someone, and their vessels will always get replenished by the other sources of love they receive. The unconditional and protective kind of love, and so they can keep giving, keep loving. Taehyun’s vessel has run dry for a while now. It keeps depleting but there is never any inflow of love to him.

If people’s hearts are vessels that contain love, then Taehyun’s heart is a desert with no oasis in sight.

So he’s searching for one now, someone who could love him and hurt him.

A.N.: No Seungyoon in this chapter, I'm sorry! But hopefully this chapter gives you a better understanding(?) of Seungyoon's playboy tendencies and why Taehyun is the way he is now, why he held that view towards love and relationships, and why that is changing now. 

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