They say the language of love letters is the same as suicide notes. It always seemed the same to me: I love you and goodbye. How close we were.  

It’s dark. 

I stared at the brown swirls in my coffee, wishing to float away with their endlessness. It was strange that despite being under mum's large black umbrella, the rain still pelted against my face. Somehow, it reminded of the time Krystal pushed me out from under my own umbrella.

"I'm not getting any shelter", she snapped as I stumbled into the thunderstorm. Back then, I felt like knocking her down in anger. But now, as I watched her dark coffin lower into the black grave, I realised I would have rather seen her scrape her knee than die.

"And, may our beloved daughter, sister, cousin and friend rest in peace", the pastor bellowed solemnly. A chorus of sniffles erupted around me and I saw Mrs Jung (Krystal's mother) reach for another Kleenex. It felt surreal to think Krystal was dead. In fact, I half-expected her to sit up and start bossing me around again, like I was born to be her slave. Would I miss her doing that? Would I even miss her at all? Maybe the kids at her med school would miss her extraterrestrially gorgeous presence. Or maybe, they would miss her hanging out with those guys like the popular little star she was. Those guys.

They were the insanely popular 'bro league' at their insanely prestigious med school. All of them were visually flawless, intelligent, athletic and experts at treating nose bleeds and fan girl meltdowns. We had grown up together as childhood friends and I seriously never imagined that any of them would stop being kids. Krystal would always like Barbie; Leo would always be playing soccer; Taehyung would always wear his black hoodie with Winnie the Pooh on its front pocket; and Chanyeol would always be the fastest runner. Of course, unsurprisingly, all that changed. It had to. It's almost like they all got on this huge, sky-rocketing elevator that carried them high into some godly presence while I, unfortunately, missed it with my deteriorating intelligence and ended up falling into the gap of the lift shaft instead. So while they were glittering in their brilliance, I was rotting in some underground cave, attempting to thrive in their light by sticking around them.

Thankfully, Krystal didn't seem to mind; I figured that she kind of liked having a loser like me around her, though I couldn't say the same for the guys. Instinctively, I turned to my right and saw them, towering above my squeaky wheelchair. Their stony faces definitely betrayed little emotion though I could faintly make out the bright tissue packet Taehyung had crushed up in his pale hand. He looked tired, all of them did. Even Leo's usual serene gaze had been replaced by a distant stare as he looked at Krystal’s gaze. His insides were probably raging; I could already see him hating me for taking his friend away. That's right, they had always liked Krystal better.

My eyes turned towards Chanyeol and I found myself watching him a little longer. There was always something about him I felt more attracted to. Maybe it was his fluffy hair with its golden hues of brown and copper. Or maybe it was the way his brows knitted when he was confused. Perhaps even his lean body that looked amazing in anything. I couldn't really pin point something specific but Krystal definitely knew what she liked about him. She was horribly territorial, and I always thought that maybe he would find that scary like I did. But now, as I watched Chanyeol shift listlessly from one foot to another while staring blankly at the grass, I became pretty sure that he liked her back too.

The thought seemed as chilling as the perpetual cold breeze that surrounded the cemetery, and I shuddered involuntarily. I knew what they were all thinking: 

It shouldn't have been Krystal. She shouldn't have had to die so painfully with her brains splattered across wet asphalt. She was too perfect, too pretty, too successful. She had too many people who loved her. Instead, it should have been Sujin. That Sujin. The one who couldn't get into university with her crappy results. The one who was ugly, stupid and lonely. She didn't have much to lose anyway. Yet, it was Krystal who died that night while Sujin miraculously escaped with a few broken ribs, and a life that was pretty much still intact. Unfair, wasn't it?

I went back to examining the crumpled coffee cup in my hand. In way, they were right, I pondered silently.

It should have been me.

a/n: First chapter! I know it seems a little short but I hope you enjoyed it :D Chapter 2 coming up ^^