A Sleepless Night
Love? Hate? Death.
The both of us got up when we finished our meals, Yoochun seemingly happier than ever. I meant what I said from before, but honestly, words were just words. They could be altered, changed and fitted to anyone's liking. Why Yoochun was so touched by them I will never understand.
We threw our garbage in the disposal and I started walking. Yoochun naturally tailed me from behind. It was his childhood habit to follow me everywhere I went, so I never minded.
'Yunho?' I heard him call, 'where are we going?'
I shrugged, my pace undisturbed. I heard him quicken his step to walk beside me.
'Yunho, let's go to Jaejoong's ward. I'm tired of all this walking. We're going to stay here till Jae wakes up, right? Let's just call it a day. I'm tired.'
I turned my head to look at him. 'Why don't you go back first? Jaejoong will probably still be asleep till morning.'
He shook his head. 'If I have to go back to Nine, I'd rather it be in you and Jaejoong's presence. Going to Nine alone would be...'
I nodded, understanding him. We walked in silence to Jaejoong's ward, where he was predictably still asleep. There were new scratches and bruises running up and down the length of his arms, which were in turn strapped tightly to the bed. I found myself curling my fists in rage, angry that Jaejoong had to go through this treatment without me. I hated how people treated him like as if he was a dog gone wild.
He was sixteen. He was just a child. He wouldn't know the difference between right and wrong.
Yoochun collapsed on the leather couch first class wards always provided for visitors as I came to Jaejoong's bed and calmly started undoing the straps. As always, they were on too tight and left red ugly marks on his porcelain white skin.
I repositioned him so he would be more comfortable. He wouldn't wake up, he was totally knocked out. I his hair gently and kissed his forehead.
The things he had to go through on a daily basis were pure hell compared to anyone else, yet he still smiled, still stayed bubbly and cheerful. That was the most beautiful thing about Jaejoong by far.
I came to sit beside Yoochun on the couch. He was half-asleep. He must be really tired. I held his head and gently guided it to rest on my shoulder. He leaned against me, silent, though I knew he was yet to be asleep.
'Yunho?'
'Hmm,' I answered in reply, as I took out my Blackberry to fiddle with.
'Sorry.'
'For what?'
'For bringing up bad memories. For comparing us to that little girl back there.'
I stayed silent. Not that I was being rude, but conversations with me tend to drop very suddenly. Yoochun's breathing slowly turned shallow and even, indicating that he was asleep.
I sighed as I leaned into the couch, tiredness taking over me.
I always thought that the three of us were similar to energizer batteries. We could stay up late and work for long, continuous periods of time, but the moment we stopped working to take a break, tiredness got to us.
I was experiencing that feeling now, and pretty soon, I fell asleep as well.
***********
I woke up with a jolt, my heartbeat speeding up. Another nightmare. I sighed and looked at the clock. 1:06 am.
I knew I wouldn't be able to fall asleep again, so I got up, repositioning Yoochun so he would lean against the headrest. He was still asleep. I wouldn't want to wake him.
Jaejoong was still asleep as well, so I slipped out of the ward to take a walk. I knew I had a very important call to make, but I just wasn't in the mood to face Kangta.
I walked wherever my feet led me, and pretty soon, I found myself face to face with the door of Dr. Kim's office. I wondered if he was in. If he was, then I could talk to him about Jaejoong's condition. If he wasn't, then it wouldn't matter.
I knocked once and opened the door. He wasn't in. He probably came to tend to another patient, since I could see his personal belongings were still there. Changmin was still asleep, hooked up to that ventilator, his breathing fogging up the clear plastic of the oxygen mask.
How long had he been hooked up to that thing? It seemed like hours ago. Wouldn't the possibility of an overdose cross the doctor's mind?
I shrugged. He probably knew what he was doing. I made my way to leave, when I heard something.
I turned around to see Changmin fidgeting in his sleep, occasional whimpers leaving his mouth. Weird. Was this supposed to happen?
Even though my instincts told me not to, even though I knew it was wrong, I came closer to the sleeping form.
Was he having a nightmare? Or was he experiencing a side effect from the medication?
I came to the bedside, staring down at his sleeping form. His whimpers were in actual fact incoherent words he was mumbling in his sleep. I stared. He was saying something, mumbling the words very softly.
'Appa... No, don't touch me. No! Appa stop! Appa!'
His mumbles slowly became louder and more audible as his fidgeting got more and more intense, soon evolving into wild thrashing.
A nightmare about his father... It must be scary.
Judging from his reactions, it probably was.
I didn't know what to do, so I just stared. I was interested to see what would happen, but at the same time I was slightly concerned. Should I wake him?
In his sleep, he began full on yelling and screaming. Words of 'no!' and 'stop!' escaped through his thin lips. His thrashing about caused the oxygen mask to come off with a loud snap, as the elastic band holding the mask to his face broke.
In that instant, I thought waking him up would be the wisest decision. I placed a hand on his shoulder, ready to shake him awake, when suddenly his eyes shot open.
'No!' He screamed when our eyes met, 'Appa, no!'
His limbs flailed wildly, and he pushed me away with the strength of one drunk with adrenaline. He sat up and scurried backwards to rest his back against the headboard, shaking with fright, as he tried to get a larger distance between the two of us.
I saw that his eyes were still glazed over with delirium brought along from the medication. But they were still filled with enough fear to keep his mind and body pumped up with adrenaline.
I saw him place his hands around his head, and bring his knees up to his chest protectively.
I could hear him say something.
'Please don't touch me, Appa. Please don't touch me.'
I blinked. He was mistaking me for his father...
I considered leaving. Afterall, his father had done terrible things to him. If he thought that I was his father, then the best thing to do would be to get away from him.
To leave him.
I knew that was the best option, but for some reason, I found myself coming closer and closer towards the bed.
I thought of Jaejoong and Yoochun. If this was them, then I wouldn't want them to be like this. To suffer the pain of going through hardships alone. To depend on no one. I had gone through that, I wouldn't want them going through it too.
But Changmin wasn't Jaejoong or Yoochun. He was a mere stranger I met only hours ago. Who was he to become significant to me?
Changmin let out a loud whimper as he saw me coming closer. He ducked his head behind his knees, as if hiding his view of me would make me hide my view of him.
I could hear his whimpers of fear grow to soft sobs. I sat on the edge of the bed closest to him. From this angle I could catch a glimpse of his face. Eyes squeezed shut, tight jaw, a shine of tearstains running down his cheeks. I ran my eyes over his tense muscles, his hands that were his hair, his barely audible breathing.
He was literally frozen with fear.
'Changmin.' I meant my voice to sound gentle, but some how it didn't come out that way. I tried again.
'Changmin.'
Nothing. He was still taken by fear. He didn't even move an inch. I didn't know what to do.
My hands moved of their own accord and wrapped themselves gently around Changmin's wrists. If possible, Changmin seemed to shrink even further into himself and let out several sobs of fear. I held on, not letting go.
'Changmin,' I said, 'look at me.'
No response. Well, there was a response, but not one that I desired.
I tried again.
'Changmin, I'm going to count to ten, and like it or not, I want you to look at me. Do you understand me?'
He didn't say anything, only his sobs of fear sounding, but I started counting anyway
One.
Two.
Three.
Four.
Five.
Six.
Seven.
Eight.
Nine.
'Ten.'
Reluctantly, hesitantly, slowly, Changmin seemed to uncurl from his ball. He looked up to me. His eyes still held the same fear, but the look of delirium had lessened now. I was sure that at least some form of words would get to him.
'Changmin,' I said, 'Listen. Your father is not here. He will never come, nor lay a filthy hand on you again. He will be taken care of.'
I saw Changmin's eyes widen in fear and shock, his stream of tears suddenly screeching to a halt.
'He will not live to touch you,' I reinforced.
Changmin suddenly dove forward and wrapped his arms around my waist, his face buried against my side as his hands gripped my shirt jacket tightly.
I wasn't used to such contact from a stranger, and froze involuntarily.
'You're not... Appa...?' Changmin asked me in a whisper.
I relaxed without realising.
'I'm not.'
Changmin stayed silent for a few moments, before I heard him whisper something.
'Don't leave me.'
I blinked blankly at him. Did he know who I was? An assassin, a killer, a murderer. I was dangerous to be left alone with for even a moment.
'I won't.' I answered.
Changmin didn't answer, but continued hugging me tightly. I didn't know what to do, so I awkwardly lifted my hand and patted his head. He reacted by jerking suddenly, probably out of shock. I tried a different approach, and my patting moved to gentle , my fingers running through his hair.
He seemed to relax after some time, his grip on my shirt jacket loosening.
Why was I doing this? I myself didn't have an answer to that question. Why was I doing this for him? Who was he to me, that I came to care for him, whilst I had only known him for less than a day.
The questions in my head made me falter my rhythm as I his head and Changmin reacted by shifting his position very slightly.
I froze. Had he woken up?
Once again, the question made me puzzled.
Why did it matter to me if he woke up?
A whine escaped Changmin's lips and I hurriedly continued his head, my fingers running through his hair.
I think he fell asleep again, as he shifted his head to lay it on my lap, facing me. I stared at his face as I played with his bangs.
Even in his sleep, there seemed to be no peace. His lips were pulled into a deep frown, as his eyebrows came together in pain. His jaw was set as his hands slowly formed fists once again.
He suddenly jerked in his sleep, and I knew his nightmare had begun again.
I could only stare, as he slowly curled into a ball, his lips pulled back to reveal a grimace. I was stuck on what to do, when an idea struck me.
I reached for the oxygen mask, and put it to his face. What Dr. Kim had done from before hopefully worked just as well despite being carried out by a different person.
Changmin jerked slightly when the cold mask touched his face, obviously not expecting it, but I persisted. Slowly, he seemed to relax, and his fingers uncurled from the tight fists he was making.
So the mask was what made him fall into a dreamless sleep.
Out of curiosity, I put the mask to my face. The air was bitter and made me woozy. I quickly took it off and placed it against Changmin's face once more, coughing and blinking rapidly to escape the sudden sleepiness that enveloped me.
No wonder Changmin had complained in the first place.
But still. He was lucky he only had to endure an oxygen mask to his face when he needed to be knocked out. At Nine we had to endure painful forced injections that still hurt even when we woke up.
I blinked the memories away. Unnecessary distractions.
I looked down to Changmin, who was breathing evenly into the oxygen mask, his warm exhaled air tickling my hand. I moved my other hand to put the elastic band of the mask around his head, but remembered that it had snapped when Changmin began thrashing about from before. I glanced at the clock hanging on the wall adjacent to me. It was only 1:50am?
What, was I supposed to hold the oxygen mask to his face the whole night?
After a small pause, I sighed softly and thumped my head gently against the wall behind me.
It was going to be a long night.
I was used to staying still for long periods of time, so I had no problem for the first two hours, keeping completely still as I held the oxygen mask in one hand and rested my head against the wall. But I began to get sleepy by the end of the third hour, so I took out my Blackberry to fiddle with.
I suddenly remembered my words from before.
He will not live to touch you.
I logged on to my search engine. Working for the government, my phone had 100% access to classified files usually out of bounds to normal users. Searching for his father would be incredibly easy.
I keyed in 창민 in the search box, and was greeted with about 20,000 matches. No surprise there. In a country of about 20 million people, Changmin was not exactly an uncommon name. I tried again, this time adding 'young adult' and 'adoption'. I was still greeted with nearly 2,000 matches.
There were 2,000 young adults named Changmin who were adopted in this country?
I considered taking a picture of Changmin's face and running a facial scan match on the data base, but thought against it. Changmin was insomniatic. He would need any sleep available to him. He might wake up from the camera flash.
That would be difficult.
I settled with going to the matches, one file at a time.
It was going to be a long night.
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