We tried to pretend.

  The sweaters we pulled around our shivering shoulders were simply because our shirts were too thin. The wind blew colder because the sun wasn't out. The nights got longer because...

  Because...

  I can't recall all the excuses we made for the withering summer. We made many, trying to believe them, but each syllable was false and we knew it.

 

  We met with sunlight pouring down on our heads, wind threading through our hair. Your voice feathered lightly across the space between us; your smile was sweeter than the rose I held in my hand.

  "My name is Seokjin."

 

  When I was having a bad day and wanted to scream at anyone who dared approach me, just seeing you calmed me down. Your voice sang me to sleep as we stayed up late videocalling each other, giggling over obscure things as we huddled in our separate blankets. Your touch sent flickers of warmth lacing up my spine, your hugs lulled me into peaceful, love-stricken stupor, your kisses engulfed me in a belief that everything would be okay as long as you were with me.

  Everything is no longer okay.

 

  "I can't do this anymore. I think it'll be better if we just break it off now."

  As the leaves on the trees started crumbling away, as wisps of cloud began shrouding the sun, I knew you didn't believe the words falling from your lips. I could see you trying to cover your breaking heart, looking away so shadow filled the lines of your face.

  "You don't need me."

 

  I do.

  I do, Seokjin. I need you. I need your pink-lipped smiles, your sparkling eyes, your broad shoulders that were constantly soaked by my tears. I need you even if it's just contained within a frame, a woven bracelet, the memory of a laugh. I need you.

 

  I learned to live, half alive...

  I'm not sure if I'm even alive now that you've left, now that the memory of your figure slowly receding into the melting sunset haunts me every time I close my eyes.

 

  As tears form thickly across my eyelashes, I start to realize.

  I never told you I loved you.

  But you knew, didn't you? You knew that what I felt for you stretched so much further than four letters. You knew that all those hugs, touches, light feathery kisses along the bridge of your nose translated into something words would never begin to convey.

  Or am I expecting too much again?

 

  We never argued. But when your hurt, betrayed silence filled my ears, I wish you'd screamed at me instead.

 

  You are probably living a sun-filled life, holding another hand, capturing another heart. Thinking about it, I feel pitiful, sitting here pondering over the things of yesterday, recalling all your habits and reactions and tiny little quirks when you've probably forgotten mine. Maybe the sound of my voice still lingers in your head. Maybe a brief glance of dark brown hair appears every time you turn a corner. But who knows? Considering what we broke that we'll never get to fix, considering how strong the pain is every time I think about it, maybe you don't want to remember because it'll hurt too much.