The last day before Hanbin leaves they keep for themselves. They make chocolate chip pancakes and eat them in bed, watch stupid corny movies and order jajangmyeon and cuddle on the couch to sound of smooth R&B and most of all they don’t think about tomorrow.

After dinner they go down to Hanbin’s apartment one last time. It’s empty now, everything packed up and back into storage or in Hanbin’s suitcase upstairs. He stands in the middle of the room and looks around at bare walls, the scuff marks where Donghyuk had let one end of the couch drag as they were moving it out, the little stain of red paint on the floorboards where Hanbin had been careless and let his brush drop. Jiwon stands beside him, their elbows just knocking together.

“You okay?”

Hanbin shrugs.

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

He says, and it’s not a lie. It’s a little sad, in the way that empty rooms often are, but other then that Hanbin can’t muster up much emotion about it. He’d barely spent anytime here, barely had time to move in before he was moving out again. And in the end it’s just a place, and places are easy to let go of. It’s not home. Home is standing next to him, home is gentle hands and messy hair and dark eyes. Home is much harder to give up.

“Hey,” Jiwon says, reaching over and turning Hanbin to face him, foreheads pressing together gently. “I know that face. Stop thinking so much, alright?”

Hanbin nods,

“Alright.” He whispers, breath just brushing against Jiwon’s lips. “I won’t think at all.”

They kiss, but there’s a sadness too it, a goodbye hidden in the way their teeth scrape together at the edges. He pulls off Jiwon’s shirt and lets his hands run along the planes of his chest, lingers on the feel of his heart thumping beneath Hanbin’s fingers, but that’s as far as they get. They want this to be love, not lust. They end up just lying on the floor of Hanbin’s empty living room, staring at the ceiling. It’s too warm to touch, air sticky and humid so instead they just lay next to each other, fingertips brushing. The ceiling fan hums quietly in the background, gently stirring the air in the apartment. Jiwon tilts his head till he’s looking at Hanbin, eyes dark in the dim light.

“Can you promise me something?”

Hanbin feels his breath catch in his throat,

“Anything.”

He whispers, and he means it. Right now if Jiwon asked for his heart he’d pull it from his chest bloody and beating and tell him it was already his, has been since they first kissed with wet socks on their feet and cigarette smoke on their lips and hope in the way they held each others hands. No, has been since Jiwon first smiled that crooked smile of his at Hanbin as they passed each other on campus and somewhere deep inside Hanbin had just known.

“Just… Don’t forget about me.”

Hanbin almost laughs at the thought of ever forgetting Jiwon. Thinks that would be like forgetting the sun, or that 1 plus 1 equals two. Forgetting Jiwon would be like forgetting gravity. He doesn’t though laugh though, just pushes himself up on his elbows and leans over and kisses Jiwon soft and sweet and gentle. Jiwon kisses back, one hand reaching up to wrap his fingers in Hanbin’s hair. After a minute Hanbin pulls back a little, hovering over Jiwon close enough to feel every breath against his skin.

“I promise.”

He whispers, and feels Jiwon’s fingers tighten in his hair, drawing him closer. Hanbin kisses him again, and this time he doesn’t pull away, this time he lets himself fall.

Hanbin doesn’t sleep that night, just watches the ceiling as it fades from black to grey to buttery yellow with the rising of the sun. At six he gets up, careful not to wake Jiwon. He moves quietly through the apartment, showering, getting dressed. Everything that he’s bringing with him is already packed in a suitcase by the door. His ticket is sitting on the on the kitchen table next to his passport. It’s strange, how similar it feels to a year ago, and yet it’s completely different at the same time. Then Hanbin had been so eager, eyes focused on the future and excitement at his heels but now all he can think about is the past and what he’s giving up. He considers trying to eat something but even the thought of toast makes his belly flip uncomfortably.

He hears a creak behind him and turns to see Jiwon leaning in the doorframe of their bedroom, arms crossed across his chest. His eyes are still bleary and hair rumpled, over sized t-shirt hanging off of his narrow shoulders and the early morning shadows paint his face pale like a ghost. There’s something so soft and vulnerable to him in that moment that it makes Hanbin’s stomach ache.

“Hey.” Jiwon whispers, voice still rough with sleep. “You’re up early.”

Hanbin just shrugs.

“Couldn’t sleep.”

Jiwon nods, eyes flicking to the suitcase by the door and then back to Hanbin.

“Me neither.”

He says, wandering over the couch and falling into it, his legs curled up to his chest. Hanbin follows, sinking down next to him. Jiwon leans into him, resting his head on Hanbin’s shoulder and Hanbin lets him, relaxing into all the places their bodies touch.

They sit in silence for a long time, in the pale predawn light of their apartment. It feels wrong, to know that he’s leaving, to know that he’s not coming back. Finally Jiwon breaks the quiet air,

“This is real isn’t it. You’re really going today.”

His voice is barely a whisper but it feels loud. Hanbin nods.

“Yeah. It’s real.”

Jiwon’s hand makes its way to Hanbin’s, fingers gently twining together and somehow that’s enough.

Hanbin’s scheduled a taxi for 7:30. They’d both agreed that Jiwon wouldn’t come with him to the airport, it would be too hard for both of them. At 7:25 Jiwon carefully pulls his fingers out from between Hanbin’s. His hand feels cool without Jiwon’s in it, and Hanbin wonders if it will ever feel warm again.

“It’s time.”

Jiwon says softly. Hanbin nods, but doesn’t move. Jiwon smiles a little, shaking his head and standing.

“Come on, don’t want to miss your flight.”

He says, reaching down to pull Hanbin to his feet. He lets him, but all he can think is would it really be so bad if he missed his flight? Even just a few more days with Jiwon, a few more hours seem so precious now. He knows he can’t hide away here though, not when Hayi and Germany and his future is waiting for him, but it’s still a nice thought.

Jiwon moves around him, throwing his sweatshirt at him, grabbing his ticket and passport and tucking them into the pocket of his backpack, and all the while Hanbin stands still and quiet in the midst of it. Finally there’s nothing left for Jiwon to do, and so he settles for fussing with the straps of Hanbin’s bag, twisting and untwisting them. Hanbin reaches up and grabs Jiwon’s wrists, stopping his fidgeting.

“Hey, it’s going to be okay.”

He says with a conviction he’s not quite sure he feels. Jiwon smiles, let’s his hands fall against Hanbin’s shoulders.

“I know.”

Jiwon whispers. Hanbin lets go of his wrists and pulls him in close wrapping his arms around narrow shoulders and Jiwon does the same, fingers digging into skin hard enough to hurt. Hanbin thinks he might be shaking, or maybe it’s Jiwon, or maybe the both of them are just shaking to pieces in each other’s arms.

They stand like that for a long time, till Hanbin’s arms start to go numb and ache but he doesn’t let go, because once he does he’s letting go forever, once he lets go it’s over. Finally they’re interrupted by the buzzing of Hanbin’s phone in his pocket, it’s probably the taxi driver calling. Slowly, painfully, they let each other go. Jiwon’s eyes are glassy but he doesn’t cry, just smiles down at Hanbin.

“So I guess this is goodbye.”

Jiwon says. Hanbin nods.

“I guess so.”

He replies. It’s funny, because he’s practiced this moment a thousand times, they’ve said goodbye a hundred different ways, but now that the moments here he can’t find the words to say. So he doesn’t say anything, just stares at a little ragged hole in the neck of Jiwon’s t-shirt. Eventually Jiwon breaks the silence.

“Text me when you land, okay?”

Hanbin nods.

“Yeah, of course.”

He says, and they both pretend his voice isn’t shaking. Turning he around he reaches for his suitcase, hiking his backpack higher onto his shoulders. Jiwon walks him to the door, and they both pause for a moment there. Jiwon reaches out and takes his free hand, thumb tracing a gentle circle on the inside of Hanbin’s wrist.

“I’m going to miss you every day.”

He whispers, his cracking and bending like tall trees in a storm. Hanbin looks down at Jiwon’s hand in his, thinks about how this is the last time he’ll hold Jiwon and feel like he’s holding the world. Thinks about miss is such an inadequate word to use, because you miss things like the sun when it’s raining, or your favorite restaurant after it goes out of business. You don’t miss oxygen between breathes, you just breath it. And without it, you suffocate. Hanbin feels like he might be suffocating with his lungs full of air.

“Yeah,” he says finally. “Me too.”

Hanbin’s phone buzzes again and this time he really has to leave. It takes almost more strength then he thinks he has to walk away. They don’t let go of each other till they have to, and as Jiwon’s fingers slip from his grasp and Hanbin’s hand falls limply to his side he feels a sense of loss yawning dark and wide and gaping inside of him like a chasm in the middle of his chest where his heart used to be.

He looks back as he’s walking down the hall, glancing over his shoulder one last time. Jiwon’s still standing in the doorway watching him go, small and pale in his baggy t-shirt. Their eyes meet and Jiwon manages a smile, waving goodbye, and then slowly starts to close the door. Hanbin watches it swing, and then, just before it closes he shouts,

“I love you!”

And it’s a question, just like it was a year ago. Jiwon’s smiles grows a little stronger at that and he nods.

“I love you to.”

He calls back, and it’s all the answer Hanbin needs.

He’s quiet in the taxi, watching as the buildings and sidewalks flash by. It’s still early enough that rush hour traffic hasn’t set in yet and they glide smoothly through the slowly waking city. It’s funny, he should be happy, should be excited. He’s about to get on a plane headed for the start of the rest of his life, the start of his dream job. He’s not excited though, instead it just feels like he’s walking to his own funeral.

Hayi’s already at the airport, standing near the help kiosks, head bent over her phone. Despite the early hour she looks as put together as ever, hair neat and clothes comfortable but still neat. Hanbin looks down at his own worn jeans and Columbia hoodie and suddenly feels underdressed.

He waves at her as he gets closer and she looks up and smiles.

“Hey. I was getting worried you weren’t going to show.”

She says jokingly, grinning. Hanbin smiles weakly, but thinks how close that was to being true. She bends over and grabs her luggage, hoisting it up off the ground.

“Come on,” she says, “we should go get these checked in.”

Hanbin nods and follows her to luggage check, taking their place in the lengthy line. They both stand silently as they wait, and Hanbin has time to think, too much time maybe. He thinks about his future. The way he sees it there’s two paths in front of him. There’s one where he goes to Germany, where he takes the job and does what he loves and lives his dream. There’s one where he stays, stays with Jiwon and maybe he finds a job just as good or maybe he doesn’t. The choice should be easy, but it isn’t. It’s the hardest choice Hanbin’s ever had to make.

The thing is, it should be easy, because who doesn’t want to live out their dreams? But the more Hanbin thinks about it the more he realizes his dreams aren’t the same as they once were. He still wants to follow his dreams, still wants what he wanted a year ago, but now he wants to do it all with Jiwon at his side. And he realizes right then, that all this time he’s been forcing himself to be happy about this. That all the times he told himself it would hurt but it would be worth it were lies. He won’t be happy, if he goes, no matter how great the job is or how beautiful Berlin is or who sees his paintings he won’t be happy.

“I can’t do this.”

He whispers, more to himself then to anyone else. Hayi looks at him, confused.

“Can’t what? I know the line is a pain but-“

Hanbin shakes his head.

“No, not the line. I can’t do this.” He says, gesturing broadly around him. “I can’t…I can’t leave.”

Hayi stares at him, eyes wide and shocked.

“Are you serious Hanbin? You can’t be serious. You’ve already taken the job, everything’s already arranged!”

She asks disbelievingly. He nods, clenching his jaw resolutely.

“I know. And I’m really really sorry. But I just… I can’t do it. I won’t. I’ll deal with any consequences, I’m okay with that.”

For a long second it looks like Hayi is going to protest, mouth open and eyebrows drawn half incredulous and half angry, but then something in her face softens and she sighs reaching up to pinch the bridge of her nose, closing her eye. She takes a deep breath, and then opens her eyes.

“I’m your business partner, and I want you to succeed and to see your talent recognized.” She says, “ But I’m also your friend, and as your friend I want you to be happy. And I can see that this won’t make you happy.”

Hanbin stares at her in surprise. To be honest he had expected more outrage, and less support.

“Are you…”

He trails off halfway through the sentence, not quite sure what he’s asking. She nods.

“For whatever god forsaken reason I’m saying go home, go be with him. I’ll fly to Germany and deal with this. Try to do some damage control so that it doesn’t blow up in your face.”

Hanbin grins, reaching out and pulling her into a hug. She makes a little surprised noise in the back of , body stiff and unyielding at first, but after a moment she relaxes into the embrace.

“Don’t think this means your forgiven.” She says, voice muffled by his chest. “You and I are having words when I get back. And you owe me big time.”

Hanbin nods, pulling away.

“I know I do. Whatever you want, I’ll do it.”

Hayi smiles a little,

“I’ll think of some appropriate form of payback on the 11 hour flight I have to look forward to. Now go,” she says, waving a hand at him, “Get out of here before I come to my senses and realize how insane this is.” 

Hanbin gives her a little salute, grabbing his suitcase and ducking out of the line.

“Yes sir!”

He calls as he starts to run for the exit. He nearly plows over an elderly couple and a businessman in a crisp black suit in his mad dash for the street, slowing just enough to call out quick apologies over his shoulder before he’s off again. It’s silly really, he thinks as he hails down a cab, to rush like this when now he has all the time in the world ahead of him. He wants to see Jiwon though, wants to tell him he’s not leaving him now or ever, wants to see the crooked grin on his face as kiss the wrinkles that form by his eyes when he smiles and feel Jiwon’s skin against his lips. It’s silly, but it’s love.

The taxi ride back to Jiwon’s apartment can’t go by fast enough. His fingers tap out an anxious rhythm on his knee as he chews at the inside of his lip. The taxi driver glances at his suitcase in the rear view mirror and then at Hanbin’s dancing fingers.

“Excited to be home?”

He asks. Hanbin can’t but help but laugh a little at that, since he never even really left.

“Yeah, I am.”

As soon as the taxi pulls up in front of Jiwon’s apartment he’s bundling himself out the door, handing the driver a few bills from his wallet without waiting for change. He just misses the elevator up so he turns and makes for the stairwell, panting his way up to Jiwon’s floor, out the door and down the hallway until he’s standing in front of Jiwon’s apartment. He raps once on the door, excited and impatient, and then again when there’s no immediate response. There’s a dull thump inside and then Jiwon’s voice calls,

“Yeah I’m coming hold on.”

A second later the door swings open. Jiwon’s still in the clothes he was wearing when Hanbin left, and his eyes are red and a little swollen like he’s been crying. They widen in shock when they see Hanbin, surprise written all over his face. For a second he’s silent, mouth trembling as he looks for words that don’t come. Finally he manages to find his voice.

“What are you doing here?!”

He asks, voice high and confused. Hanbin shrugs, smiles.

“I’m not going.”

He says simply. Jiwon shakes his head,

“What are you talking about? Of course you’re going!” He reaches out to spin Hanbin, trying to push him down the hallway, “Come on, if you go now you can still make your flight. I’ll call another taxi for you, jesus this is cutting it close.”

Hanbin lets Jiwon shove at him ineffectually but doesn’t budge and finally Jiwon gives up trying.

“What about Germany?” he asks, “What about your future, and the job? I thought this is what you wanted.”

Hanbin reaches into his pocket and fishes out his ticket, holding it up in front of him and tearing it in half. He lets the pieces fall and they both watch them float to the floor.

“It was what I wanted. I just realized I didn’t want it without you.” He says quietly, honestly. “We’re a package deal, you and me. Like it or not you’re stuck with me for the long haul now.”

“What about your job? What are you going to do here now?”

Jiwon asks, and there’s a heartbreaking note of hope that’s entered his voice.

“Hayi’s still going to German, she said she’d take care of it. And I’ll figure things out here, somehow. It’ll be all right. We’ll be alright.”

It feels good to say, we, not just Hanbin and Jiwon, but the two of them against the world. It feels right. For a long moment Jiwon just stares down at the torn pieces of paper sitting on the carpet by his foot, and his face is unreadable. Finally though he looks up at Hanbin, smile blooming on his lips, and it’s like the sun coming out. 
“You are a crazy ing idiot Kim Hanbin, but I’m so glad you didn’t get on that plane.”

He says, and kisses Hanbin hard on the mouth. When he finally pulls away Hanbin smiles back at him, feeling lighter then he has since he met with Hayi in that coffee shop three months ago.

“I love you too.”

He laughs, and it’s the truest thing Hanbin’s ever said. Love isn’t easy, Hanbin knows that well by now. He and Jiwon aren’t perfect, never will be and they will fight and hurt and heal and fight again. Love isn’t easy, it’s a choice, and Hanbin will always choose Jiwon.

A/N: 

Well it's kind of crazy to say but over a year and almost 70,000 words later I've finally finished Kintsugi! This has been the longest piece I've ever written to date and was definitely a journey for me. I just want to say thanks to everyone who left comments and read this even when I didn't update for months, you guys gave me the motivation to finish! I hope everyone enjoyed reading this as much as I enjoyed writing this and thank you again <3

Sidenote: I've actually already started another fic which is going to be even longer and more involved then this one lol I probably be won't posting it for a while just because I really want to have a solid grip on where it's going first. If anyone's interested though I will be posting little character profiles over the next couple of weeks on my tumblr: https://www.tumblr.com/blog/everywordnotsaid