Yixing wonders how anyone can love someone so much.

He wonders about it as he lies holding Luhan in his arms, and skin hot. He just came inside him, just a few minutes ago where Luhan had ridden him hard. There are marks on his hips where Yixing had held on to him tight and his own neck is filled with red blemishes all thanks to Luhan’s lips and teeth. They’re both lying there sated and spent and as they come down from their high, Yixing wonders how he has come to love this person in his arms so much.

“Stop it,” Luhan mutters by his side. Luhan’s cheeks are flushed a beautiful shade of pink as Yixing shifts and looks at him. He kisses him on his forehead and Luhan cranes his neck upwards to catch his lips.

“Stop what?” Yixing asks, their fingers coming to lace together as Luhan pulls the covers up. Luhan may be warm but his feet are cold and Yixing hisses softly as he feels him brush against his leg.

Luhan laughs quietly.

“Stop thinking,” Luhan replies. “You’re quiet so I know you’re thinking.”

“I’m always thinking.”

“You shouldn’t.” Luhan looks at him, eyes half lidded and filled with exhaustion. “Especially right after . Thinking right after is a bad thing.”

Yixing laughs as he rolls them both over so he’s spooning him from behind. Luhan hums, holding his hand and resting them over his stomach.

They’ve been together for a long time now that he’s accustomed to Luhan’s presence. The small noises he makes when they’re having . The sound of him breathing while he sleeps. The humming that comes from the bathroom while he showers. The way Luhan folds his clothes. The way he holds Yixing from behind while he makes them breakfast, Luhan’s chin slotting perfectly over his shoulder as he peeks at what he’s making.

They’ve been together for a long time now that Yixing’s heart feels so full that it might just give out at how much he’s holding. He loves how full it feels and how Luhan always fills it up every single day. He has a heart that’s physically small but it’s amazing how much Luhan has managed to stuff it with himself making it feel so large and heavy.

“Tell me what you’re thinking,” Luhan mumbles sleepily.

Yixing tugs at the blankets around them.

“Do you really want to know?”

Luhan hums in reply.

Yixing only holds him tight, burrowing into Luhan’s neck as he presses soft kisses down his spine. He wants to tell him how much he loves him. How his heart might burst at any second from feeling this way. How he loves him so much that it sometimes seem illogical and unreasonable at just how much he truly loves him and yet somehow, it still makes sense.

Yixing only holds him tight in reply because there doesn’t seem to be any words to tell him all this and Luhan is already fast asleep in his arms.

* * *

Luhan catches him in the middle of the street, laughing as Yixing waves his letter in the air.

"Congratulations!" Luhan lifts him up and spins him around once before putting him down. Yixing laughs back, breathless and ecstatic.

"I have a level one meister," Luhan says, reading through Yixing’s letter notifying him of his recent achievement.

Yixing beams at the proud look on his face.

"I have a level one meister!" Luhan yells happily again that people around them give him odd stares and some, congratulatory smiles.

Yixing quickly covers his mouth with his hands and smiles apologetically at the people walking by.

"Not so loud," Yixing whispers. Luhan pulls back and makes a face.

"What? I'm proud of you!"

Yixing blushes as they start walking down the road.

"Don't tell me you're not happy about it," Luhan says. "You earned it."

"With your help," Yixing corrects him. "I wasn't able to get this without you."

"True," Luhan replies, snickering as he dodges Yixing's playful shove at his teasing. “I’m kidding. Hey, don’t doubt yourself now. All this was you’re doing.”

“No,” Yixing argues back. “If you weren’t my weapon, I wouldn’t be a level one meister this early. It’s because of you we have twenty souls this fast. It’s because of you that Death thinks I’m worthy of rising up a level-”

Yixing is yanked to a full stop before his face is being cupped and Luhan’s warm lips are pressed up against his. Yixing's eyes flutter close instantly as he rests his hands by his side. They’re standing underneath the afternoon sun, both their skin warm and comforting that Yixing can’t think of a perfect day other than this. In fact, he feels warm all over and inside. He’s so happy with the letter he received and with Luhan kissing him like this. He can feel how proud he is and Yixing is just so happy he gets to share this moment with him.

Luhan pulls back, just enough so that he can look into his eyes.

“It’s because of you that I’m a good weapon,” Luhan says to him and his quiet and sure tone has Yixing shiver in his hold despite the warm weather. “It’s because of you that we’re here doing what we’re good at because we trained hard for this. It’s because of you that Death thinks you’re worthy. And you are worthy. You’re an exceptional meister. It’s because of you that we make a great team.”

Luhan looks at him, a smile on his lips as he steps back and for a moment, Yixing doesn’t even care that he just accomplished something this big. For that moment, all Yixing can think of is how his heart feels full once more and how Luhan can just fill it up so easily with his words, his faith in him, his kiss and with his presence.

“Now come on,” Luhan grins, continuing on their way. “Let’s go celebrate it at a pub I saw a few blocks down. Your treat of course.”

Yixing laughs and shakes his head, throwing an arm around Luhan’s shoulders and whispering a small “Thank You” in his ear. Because there are still no words to tell him how it feels to love him this much.

* * *

Yixing is hurt.

He’s hurt all over. His jaw hurts from where he was hit on his face and there’s a nasty cut on his cheek that’s covered up in a bandage. His arms itch. He remembers the way those souls scratched him over and over again as they tried to get through him and take Luhan’s body. But Yixing wouldn’t let them. Yixing would never let go of Luhan.

A small sob rises in his throat as he stares at him lying there.

He’s hurt. But it doesn’t compare to the pain he’s feeling staring at his weapon that’s lying there in the bed unconscious and in between life and death. It’s his fault. If he had acted fast, if he hadn’t engaged Luhan in a playful banter while they were walking… He knew better and he should’ve kept all eyes and ears on the road whenever they’re traveling.

But it’s too late. Everything is too late. Luhan is on the brink of death and if he’s going to…

Yixing can’t complete that thought. He can’t.

With shaking hands, Yixing clutches at Luhan’s limp and cold ones. He needs Luhan to wake up. He needs Luhan to open his eyes and smile at Yixing like he always does. And Yixing will tell him all the things he always has a hard time saying because there never seems to be the right words for them. That he loves him so much and he has to wake up because his heart that is used to feeling so full and heavy feels like it’s being ripped apart and everything is spilling. And Yixing is doing everything he can to put it all back together.

Luhan wakes up after a few days and Yixing is by his side to greet him.

But Yixing still can’t say those words he has ready for the only thing that’s coming out of his mouth are sobs at how relieved he is to see Luhan awake.

* * *

Yixing leans against the doorway, staring at Luhan sitting cross legged on the floor of their living room. There are maps and papers strewn around him as he scribbles something down on his journal.

He’s writing it all down awkwardly, one arm still on a sling. He’s using his good hand, the one that’s not fractured to write down all the places he mapped out to visit once he gets better. But it’s taking awhile since he can’t write legibly with it. He’s not supposed to be in a straining position. Chanyeol said so. But their kitchen table is too small and Luhan has about four maps open.

There’s a small yawn coming from him and Luhan stretches his back only to stop halfway, shoulders tense and his hand coming to clutch at the back of his hip. Yixing immediately settles the cup of tea he was carrying down on the nearby coffee table and crouches behind him in an instant.

“Where does it hurt?” He asks, eyeing his back then Luhan’s face to check for any signs of discomfort as he places his hands gently behind him.

Luhan blinks and then smiles, his gaze softening at his touch.

“I’m fine.”

“We’ve been through this, Luhan. You’re supposed to tell me what aches and what’s too sore and what’s causing you a migraine- “

“Yixing,” Luhan tilts his head at him. “I’m fine.”

He sighs, sitting down and letting Luhan lean back into his chest. He kisses the side of his head, the one that’s not wrapped in a bandage and whispers into his ear.

“It’s late. Come to bed with me.”

Luhan picks up a map by his side and shows him a new route he just discovered.

“Once I get better, we’ll start here.”

There’s a lump forming in Yixing’s throat as he takes in all the plans Luhan has once he’s able to move like his old self again. Luhan doesn’t notice how it makes Yixing uncomfortable everytime he talks about it. Because all Yixing wants to do is to take him to bed and wrap him up in the safety of his own arms. Luhan has no idea how much it terrifies Yixing to go back out there with him, with Luhan facing those hideous things again. It terrifies Yixing everytime he thinks of Luhan putting his life on the line again.

But he can’t say all that. Because he knows Luhan aspires to become a scythe. He dreams of becoming Death’s servant and nothing Yixing will say will stop him from continuing to live a life with Death.

So instead, he nods and holds him and tells him he can continue tomorrow. It’s late.

For now, Luhan should rest.

For now, Luhan is safe with him.

* * *

“I’m leaving.”

Luhan looks at him, blinking at the words he just said.

“I’m leaving you,”

His hands clutch at the straps of his bag tight as he tries to stomach the lies he just said out loud. He doesn’t want to leave. He never even thought he can. But it’s getting harder every single day to see the one he loves live a life like this and Yixing believes he’s doing him a favor by leaving.

Luhan looks like he was just smacked in the face and Yixing clenches his fist tighter to stop himself from rushing towards him and apologize for this hard blow.

“Why?” Luhan asks. Yixing’s heart clenches to hear the tone of his voice.

“We can’t do this anymore.”

I can’t do this anymore.

I can’t look at you every single day, struggling to get better just so you can die another time. I can’t hold you without feeling the irrational need to keep you safe. And you can’t be safe out there. I can’t stop you from getting back out there either.

I can’t be your meister because a meister has to encourage you to fight and I don’t want you to fight. I don’t want you to ever get hurt again. I want you safe.

“I don’t think you’re good at this anymore.”

I think you’re the best at what you do. And I hope you see past these lies. You’re amazing and I love you but you can’t- you can’t go out there again. I can’t let you go out there again.

“I can’t afford to have a weapon that’s so weak.”

You’re not weak. You’re strong, one of the strongest people I’ve ever met. I’m the one who’s weak. Because I won’t be able to take it if you went through something like this again. I’m weak because I can’t seem to protect you in the right way. I love you. I’m sorry.

I hope you forgive me for crushing your dreams. I hope you’ll forgive me for loving you this way.

Yixing doesn’t look back as he leaves Luhan alone in the place they’ve built and called their home. He leaves Luhan because it’s the only way he can stop him from fighting again. It hurts him to know that Luhan didn’t even fight for them, to stop him from leaving. That he easily believed all those lies in a snap. But he also needs him to believe it. He’s only keeping him safe.

Yixing has never told him how much he loves him but he hopes that all the lies he just said counts as a way of telling him he does.

* * *

A strong link between a meister and a weapon runs deep. He craves for the link he once had with his own weapon even if he’s training a new one.

It’s been years. But Yixing wonders if his link with Luhan still exists.