~4~

'Donghae stop please' - Siwon tried to take away the glass from me. I glared at him and his hand went to hide under the table, far from my sight. I heard him sigh. He started drumming his fingers on the table. It annoyed me. Every kind of noises, soft or loud, annoyed me at this exact moment. 

I need more alcohol.

I tightened the hold on the can of beer and brought it to my mouth, swallowing large gulps that coursed into my throat and a second later made me feel dizzy and made everything seem to spin around me.

Even Siwon's face,that he was trying to hide with a cap and the hood of his jacket, had an undefinied form,curves and lines on his features. I narrowed my eyes and tried to concentrate; two seconds later and I was able to focus on Siwon only, making his figure clear. I quickly grunted and looked away turning to borily watch the already drunk men on the table next to mine; I hated Siwon's concern expression towards me.

Another gulp of beer.

Why can't he just go home and leave me alone?, I asked myself,eyes-cornered glancing back at the member that accompanied me here and forced me to wear his red baseball-cap. I didn't really see his mouth opening when he asked me,

'Do you want to talk about it? I think I can help--'

I sneered and a half smirk hinted on my lips. Next move was me running my hands on my face. They traveled up till my head, till my hairline and then went back to cover my face again. I'm so stupid,am I not? I glimpsed through my fingers and saw that Siwon was about to touch me, maybe to try to comfort me. I gently shove him and once again he stopped his movement without accomplishing what his purpose was.

"Go away." - I hissed. He continued to stare at me. I removed my hands and settled them on the table,one hand resting peacely,the other circling fingers around a new can. With the weight of his stare never leaving me, I ripped off the pull-tab.

"I will not say it to anyone."

And at those words the half smirk that grazed my mouth just a moment ago reappeared before leaving its place to a big laugh. Not saying to anyone uh? Where the hell did I hear this coming out from too? I kept on laughing;it was maybe the alcohol. Or maybe not. With or wihout it, I would equally burst like I was doing right now.

"And then what?"-Though an extremely big feeling to yell was filling me,words flew out with just a flat tone- "Then you will tell me to trust you? Uh?"- Cold, even if I knew perfectly that it wasn't him the one I wanted to talk with right now. I was being immature; I was drinking and shifting my anger to someone who wasn't even merely involved in all this . Stupid,stupid,stupid. I'd never be tired on telling it to myself. Stupid,stupid...stupid.

Siwon rose his eyebrows, head half lightened half not as he placed his hands to grip on each side of the hood,bringing it more to cover his face. His eyes were still fixated on mine,not moving,but somehow I found something different. Like he had softened, like the comforting look had changed into a look that I was going to dislike more- "I don't understand you,but I'm sorry for what happened to you...."- Pity.

"Donghae listen.."- He said my name oh-so-faintly- "..We're a family. Tell me, we are going to solve this."-I put my tongue in between my teeth,keeping myself from responding. All Siwon's words were echoing in me. Now I even regretted having drank. But at the same moment,I couldn't be more thankful to the effect of the alcohol as it was making everything round once again and I was not paying so much attention on Siwon's expression anymore.

I jointed my hands together and released my tongue.

"Does.."- It was hard to think straight in my actual condition,but I succeeded in asking myself first if I should go on on talking or give it up there. In the end I inhaled, it's not like I'm gonna be in a ter situation.., I decided.

"Does a member of a family steal something that is not his property?"- It was vague; he didn't understand, he was shaking his head in confusion,eyebrows connecting in a try to pick up the secret. He was going to fail,though. I could sense he was going to fail.

"Are we talking about Eunhyuk?" -For a time I thought I was wrong- "Did he take something yours?" -A forced laugh left my throat. I shook fervently my head,dramatically. I let silence reign between us. Minutes passed.

"But is it because of him.....Isn't it?" -Siwon asked catiously. And I was left stiffened by the question. I was not surprised. I was the one who made him reach that point. And more, I should not be shocked because he saw. He saw everything. He saw Hyukjae and I fighting,if I was not wrong. But even if he didn't see the whole scene, he was present when Hyukjae left,crying. I was crying as well.

I felt like my heart went up in my throat and then stayed there,beating fast.

I started to choke.

Siwon rapidly stood up from his seat. Soon, hands were helping me,patting on my back. "Let's go back to the hotel" resounded in my ears after been uttered. It was a long deep breath taken that made me feel better. I didn't know how much time passed when an arm winded around me with the intent of making me stand. "Home. Let's go back to the hotel", at this point I could no more comprehend if Siwon was repeating it or it was again just my mind slowly completely surrending to the alcohol's effect.

Hotel. I panicked. I didn't want to see any of the members' faces. Especially them.

My eyes widened.

I pushed myself from him. I heard a loud crash; I didn't catch which body fell. Maybe his, maybe mine.

No,probably it was mine.

Siwon must be really close to me; numbly, I was capable to see a hurt expression that rose guilty in me.

Oh,.

...

...

this expression.

the beers.

Heechul.

the kiss.

my ing mouth and the ing words that came out from it.

my life.

this world.

...

...

Hy-- No.

No.

...

...

Why is everything so hard?

Why am I part of Super Junior?

Why did I meet Hyukjae?

Why did I fall for him?

If I didn't pass the selection on that freaking day, I wouldn't be in such a situation. In a moment like this, I'd probably be in Mokpo, not here in Bangkok. I'd probably have dinner with my family and I wouldn't be here in a small bar. I'd probably have my love next to me. A wife. A girl. Or even if it wasn't a person of the opposite , it wouldn't be a male friend that I was dreaming about and I felt I will not have. Regrets... it summarized everything.

What are you saying Donghae?

Yes, why was I being like this now? Was I just regretting the fact that I was in love with Hyukjae?

I should really stop thinking these things.

Because no....I didn't regret anything.

I didn't regret feeling tingles when I hugged him. I didn't regret founding myself trying to remember the nice strawberry scent of his shampoo when I embraced my pillow. I didn't regret sneaking outside my room and getting into Hyukjae's when I failed on remembering his scent. I didn't regret calling him up wherever he was just to hear his voice. I didn't regret feeling my heart like jumping out of my chest when he's the one who touched me.

...

Was is it still my imagination or  was I crying now?

"I just want you Hyukjae.."