"Don’t you ever think about it?"

You glanced up, your eyebrows arched in surprise.

"What?"

He smiled, almost sadly, his warm eyes falling to the jade glazed cup of two pump caramel latte in your hands. Something in your stomach churned.

"What it would have been like," he explained, his words slow and gentle, "If things ended up differently."

"You mean…"

"If you’d said yes to me instead." he finished for you, his chocolate eyes catching yours as the syllables fell from his lips.

Your lip curled in, your fingers tightening around the hot clay of the cup. Without meaning to, you dropped your gaze, causing him to sigh.

"I’m sorry." he started, "I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. You know that, right?"

"No, it’s fine." you replied quickly, swiping a finger beneath your eye just to ensure you hadn’t broken into tears unknowingly, "I’m not upset."

He leaned back in his seat, his hands resting on his thighs as he stared at your flats beneath the table. Although the conversation came to a silence, the slight hum of surrounding chatter occupied the empty space between the both of you as the other customers of the cafe continued their dinners, the occasional laugh ringing ever so slightly louder than the rest of the noise, almost as if to remind you of just how far from happy you had become.

"Do you think of it?”

He glanced up, shrugging shortly before returning his attention to the floor. “Of course.”

"How often?"

"Every day." he sighed, straightening up, "Especially days like these."

You nodded, taking a sip of your latte to hide the slight grimace that twitched at your lip. He watched silently, a certain kind of fondness evident in his eyes, as always.

"I asked you first, though." he spoke up, leaning his elbow on the table to prop his head against the palm of his hand. "You still didn’t answer."

You glanced out the window beside your table. The Sun had almost set, casting a semi dark gradient upon the sky, faint bursts of pale pink and purple still glowing between the plains of darkness. Small flurries of snow danced through the wind, glittering beneath the light of the street lamps lining the sidewalk creating the illusion of a glass world, delicate and gentle. Even within the warmth of the coffee shop, the image sent chills through your skin. You’d never been fond of the cold, but even so, the winters had been particularly beautiful as of late.

"I guess I never really thought about it." you replied softly.

Out of the corner of your eye you noticed him nod, leaning back in his seat again. A wave of guilt washed over your heart until you heard him laugh.

"I figured."

You turned to face him, your brow knit in confusion. He tilted his head, those ever comforting cocoa colored eyes reflecting your image off their bright surface in a warm tint of affection.

"You told him you were coming here, didn’t you?"

You waited a moment before nodding, just enough for him to understand.

"To see me?"

Again, you nodded, a soft “yes” surfacing from your throat. He smiled in response, something between a scoff and a laugh escaping his lips. His features softened.

"I never stood a chance against him, did I?"

You didn’t respond, diverting your gaze once more.

"It’s okay." he leaned forward, taking a hold of one of your hands, "There’s nothing wrong with that."

"What makes you say that?" you mumbled, watching as his thumb rubbed soothing circles into your skin.

He didn’t reply, causing you to glance up. His eyes cast down, focused on your hands intertwined upon the table. For a moment, his lips twitched into a smile, a smile not quite of happiness, but longing; a smile that might have lasted longer in other circumstances; a smile that might have replaced the sad turn of his lips you’d grown so accustomed to.

"I just do, I guess." he replied, catching your gaze one last time before standing up. "Come on. We should get you home now."

**************************************

It wasn’t until your fingers had gone thoroughly numb in the cold that you finally decided to turn the key situated in the golden lock of the door. Reluctantly, you turned the knob, pushing against the wood as the door creaked open. The cold darkness of the apartment welcomed you home, hugging you in its shadows like the tenacious lover you’d abandoned for a spare moment as you walked in the light of the city, basking in the life you’d sacrificed long ago. A trembling sigh shook your shoulders as you slipped off your shoes, dragging your feet across the plush carpet to collapse onto the love seat in the living room.

"You’re back?"

You glanced up as he approached from the hall, fully dressed, denim jacket still snug over his broad shoulders, the faint scent of cherry cigarettes clinging to his body. His hazy eyes fell on your figure, his expression blank, as it always seemed to be.

"Yeah." you mumbled, brushing a strand of hair back behind your ear.

"Had fun?" he asked, turning around to make his way to the kitchen.

"Loads."

"That’s good." he called over the hum of the fridge. You turned to watch him search through the selves from over your shoulder. "You should have more fun."

"I wasn’t alone, you know." you called back, turning back to face the coffee table and television. You slouched into the cushions of the couch, chewing your lip as you heard the refrigerator door close.

"Yeah. I know."

"What about you?" you asked, closing your eyes as you heard his footsteps approaching, "Had fun?"

"Loads."

"Where did you go?" you opened your eyes, watching as he flicked off the cap of his frosty beer bottle, standing just before the coffee table.

"What makes you think I went somewhere?"  

"I can smell the cigarettes on you, Sehun." you replied softly.

He tilted his head back, taking a long gulp of the liquid, a few spare drops dripping down his neck. With a sigh, he replaced the cap, rubbing a hand over his mouth. “Maybe I smoked in the house.”

"You’re not allowed to smoke in the house."

"Well I did anyways."

"Stop lying, Sehun."

"Why do you always think I’m lying?"

"Aren’t you?" you cried, sitting up, "Aren’t you always lying?”

"What do you think I’m doing?" he asked, his eyes piercing into your own. You took a deep breath, running a hand through your hair.

"Why are you always gone?"

"I’m not always gone."

"Then why don’t I ever see you?"

"Because you’re always gone too.”

"I am not."

"Then where were you today, huh?" he snapped, "With that guy? Doing what?"

"I told you what." you glared.

"Right." he scoffed, turning around to return to the kitchen, "Having ing coffee."

"Yes, exactly." you replied sharply, "I didn’t think you had such a problem with it anyways."

"Why? Because I didn’t say anything?" he turned back around, "Because I just let you go? Because I don’t get on your case about everything you do?"

"Are you-"

"Would I really be okay with it? Do you really think I’d honestly just smile and give you my blessing while you go behind my back and-"

"And do what?" you nearly screamed, standing up to face him, "With your best friend? Do you really think that lowly of me?"

"What about you?” he snapped, throwing the bottle against the wall, the glass shattering into a myriad of small, sharp pieces scattering across the carpet, “What do you think of me?!”

You in a breath, clenching your jaw as you fought back the stinging of tears.

His chest heaved as his eyes ran over your trembling figure. Slowly, he turned away, his shoulders slumped as he ran a hand through his tangled tresses. You remained standing, your hands clenched into fists at your side, your eyes focused on his shoulder blades as he stared down at the floor. The thickness of silence filled the air.

"What are we doing?" he asked quietly after a few moments, his voice cutting through the air.

You didn’t respond, but dropped your gaze to the floor, your eyes wandering over the various amber colored shards across the carpet. Sehun sighed, bending down to pick up a shard of glass from between his feet.

"Do you really wanna know where I’ve been?" he asked quietly, his voice slightly broken.

Again you didn’t respond. He brought an arm to rest upon his knees as he rested his chin upon the wrist, turning the glass between his fingers. A small sound trembled from his lips, something reminiscent of a sigh.

"Honestly, I haven’t been anywhere." he explained slowly, his voice low and tired, as if speaking the words was exhausting his chords, "Just wandering around. Going to bars, the park, anywhere so that I wouldn’t have to be here.”

"Why?" you finally replied, your voice shaken up.

"I don’t know," He rubbed his thumb delicately over the sharper edge of the glass, wincing slightly as it nicked his skin, "I just wanted to- I don’t know."

He heaved a sigh, pressing his lips together in frustration, “This is gonna sound really ed up- and it is- and I know, but sometimes I just wanted to hurt you, I guess.”

"N-no- that’s not right." he stammered, dropping the piece of glass to run a hand through his hair, "I never wanted to hurt you- I just-”

Again, he inhaled deeply, his shoulders shuddering with the weight of the breath, “Don’t you feel it too?”

You glanced up as he stumbled to his feet, turning around to face you. “You don’t feel right, do you?”

You shrugged, helpless and lost as he muttered short curses to himself. Despite it all, the desperate look on his face tugged at your veins, drawing you towards him, tingling your fingers with the hunger for his skin against your palm, the soft warmth of his body in your arms, the steady thumping of his pulse against your chest.

"I’m such an ." he proclaimed bitterly, a sour smile twisting his red lips.

"You’re not the only one." you replied, the same expression  contorting your own features.

He bit his lip, his gaze falling to the floor as he leaned against the beer stained wall.

"What are we doing, Sehun?”

He shrugged, sliding down to sit upon the floor, his legs sprawled out before him. “I don’t know.”

You nodded slowly, folding your arms over your chest. The sound of the snow echoed from without the window.

"Do you ever think about it?" you asked, "What it would be like if things were different?"

He remained silent for a moment, his eyes trained on the front door in a sort of daze.

"Have you?”

You leaned against the arm of the loveseat, staring down at your flats. A short shiver curled up your spine. “I think I did today.”

He leaned his head back against the wall, the distinct curve of his Adams apple rising and falling as he swallowed. “And?”

"I don’t know."

He didn’t respond, his eyes shifting throughout the apartment, perhaps attempting to figure out what turn of events had led him to that particular spot in time. His lips spread open as he tiredly replied, “I wouldn’t blame you for leaving, you know.”

Your heart sunk at the words, your hands growing clammy. “Do you think that’s what’s best?”

He stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jacket, drawing his knees up to his chest. “Probably. For you. Hell, probably for me too.”

You sighed, running a hand through your hair. For a moment, you wondered why the urge to cry had not surfaced yet. Sehun fumbled with his pockets, pulling out a tattered black box of cigarettes, bringing his lips to the lid to pull one between his teeth.

With all the weak will left in your body, you pushed yourself off the armrest.

"You never answered my question before, Sehun."

 He shifted on the floor, retrieving a small metal lighter from his back pocket, flicking the fire to life as he leaned into the warmth. The scent of cherry filled the air as he inhaled slowly, deeply, closing his eyes to feel the smoke consume his lungs. His head fell back against the fall, his mouth hanging open just slightly as the smoke swirled out from between his lips.

"Sehun?"

His voice came out rough and smoky, and it was only once he’d opened his eyes to stare blankly at the ceiling that you’d realized he’d been crying.

"I never thought about it." he mumbled, "Never really wanted to."

You pressed your lips together, taking short, dragging steps towards the wall. He brought the cigarette to his lips again, the small embers burning the paper away quickly as he inhaled, swiping his thumb beneath his eyes as he removed the stick from his lips.

"What are you doing?" he asked without turning towards you.

You collapsed onto the floor beside him, your eyes focused on the door framed upon the opposite wall.

"I thought I said I wouldn’t blame you for leaving."

You hummed in understanding, reaching for the limp hand resting by his side. His cold fingers laced between the gaps of your own, gripping tightly onto your skin, just enough to make it hurt.

"I know you did." you muttered, shifting your gaze over his profile, the smoke dancing within the reflection of his hazy amber eyes. The cigarette continued to burn slowly between his fingers, filling the apartment with the scent so unique to his presence. You leaned back against the wall, closing your eyes as the scent encompassed you. His breath lingered against your collarbones as he rested his head upon your shoulder. The soft tingle of his lips against your neck sent streams of electricity through your veins, pulsing into your heart and throughout your body. Like ice, your skin chilled at the touch. Lazily, you opened your eyes, turning to meet his gaze, his swirling pupils reflecting your visage in their distorted surface and for a moment, you thought you might look better that way.

"I guess we’re ed either way, though."