Chapter 16 – LOSER

 

Chaerin’s POV

 

“Now… shall we?”

My eyes dilated upon hearing those words. Oh god, how can he make those three words so damn hot? His hand tugs the hem of my shirt and I felt his fingers run on my skin, enough to send a foreign sensation inside me making me close my eyes as I feel the deepest part of me clench in a way that I find so fascinating. We are about to do it, right? We are going to do it. This is legal, right? We’re married. But, am I ready for this? Right now? At this moment? Here on my bed? Inside my room? Do I want this? Does he really want this?

I felt his lips on my neck and on the corner of my lips. His hand travels from the hem of my shirt going north and I whimper as I felt his hand cup my . And then he halts. I opened my eyes and look at his face. I didn’t notice my eyes were closed the whole time. I look at him and find him staring at me. This look on his face, it’s like he has done something wrong.

“I’m sorry.” He murmured.

Sorry? For what?

“Don’t cry. Please.”

“Huh?” I touched my face and it’s wet. I’m crying? Why am I crying?

“I’m sorry.” He said. He got up and made his way out. The last thing I heard was the sound of the door shut.

What just happened?

 

 

********

 

 

I woke up early than usual. I checked the time and it’s exactly 8 am. I remember what happened last night and I think I want to sleep again. Seriously, what is wrong with me?

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t cry. Please.”

Why was I crying?

What is wrong with me? How can I face him after what’s happened?

I should apologize to him. Yes.

I got up and went out of my room and made my way to his room next door.

What should I say to him? Sorry for being a jerk last night? Yes, that’s it. I really am a jerk.

I knocked on his door and opened it. I went inside but there’s no one in. Maybe he’s downstairs since it’s breakfast time? Yeah.

I closed the door and made my way downstairs and into the dining area.

“Good morning miss Chaerin.”

“Good morning Mrs. Jung. Where’s Jiyong-oppa?”

“Oh, he already left.”

“Oh I see.”

He didn’t wait for me.

“Are you okay miss Chaerin? Is there something wrong?”

“Yes. I’m no good Mrs. Jung.”

 

 

********

 

 

“Unnie, are you okay?”

“No.”

“Are you sick?”

“No.”

“What’s wrong?”

“I’m no good Minzy.”

“What? You’re supposed to be eating that ice cream and not just staring at it.”

“Do you want it? You can have it.”

“Woah. Really? Okay! Thanks unnie.” She said and took the bowl of the coffee crumble in front of me and took a spoonful of it.

“Are you okay unnie? What’s the problem?”

“I’m the problem.”

“What?”

“I’m no good for Jiyong.”

“Huh?”

“I practically said no to him.”

“What are you talking about?”

“I think he hates me now.”

“Huh? Why?”

“Do you think Jiyong will leave me because I’m no good for him?”

“What? What do you mean?”

“I can smell divorce. And it’s for real this time. What should I do?”

“Unnie!” Minzy shouted. I looked around and the other customers are looking at us.

“Hey!” I looked at them and mouthed my apologies.

“Unnie, will you please explain to me what the hell is going on? What’s with you and your husband? What’s wrong?”

“Minzy.”

“What?”

“You think Jiyong will leave me?”

“Huh? Why?”

“Because I’m no good for him.”

“Huh? Why would you say that?”

“Well… last night…” How can I say it? It’s embarrassing. “Never mind.”

“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong or I will call your husband and tell him his wife is seeing someone else?”

What?!

“Hey! I’m not seeing someone else.”

“Then tell me what’s going on.”

And what did she say? She’ll call Jiyong?

“Do you have his number?” I asked.

“No.” She said and took a spoonful of her ice cream.

“Then how dare you shout at me?!”

“Hehe. Sorry.” She beamed.

Hehe your face. This brat.

“But seriously, what’s wrong unnie?”

“I think I’ve disappointed Jiyong.”

“Why?”

“Well, last night…”

“What?”

“Well…” I look at her and her at me and then her eyes widen.

“OMO. Don’t tell me. Kyaaaaahhhhh.”

“Hey.”

“You’re no more?!” she exclaimed and my eyes widen.

“Minzy!” I looked around and all eyes are on us. Earth, please eat me now.

“She’s married. She’s married.” Minzy said to the customers who are looking at us. “She’s married.”

“Tell me unnie. You did it? Waaahhh. Are you okay? How was it? Was he-“

“Shut up.”

“Come on unnie you don’t have to be shy okay.” She beamed.

“Shut up.”

“Oh my god unnie. I’m so proud of you.”

“Minzy?”

“What? Come on spill it. So how was it? I mean you don’t have to tell me every detail of what happened okay? Just some, you know, some-“

“Nothing happened, okay? We didn’t do it. I’m still .”

“What?!”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“Because I denied him.”

“What? You said no?”

“No. I didn’t say the exact word ‘no’ but I acted like I’m saying no.”

“What? Oh my god.”

“Please tell me I’m not a jerk.”

“No you’re not.” She shook her head.

“Really?”

“Yes. Did you explain to him that you have a period so that you can’t do it? He should understand.”

“No.”

“Why? You should’ve told him.”

“I don’t have my period.”

“What?! So you denied him?”

“Yes.”

“Without any reason?”

“Yes.”

“And he’s your husband.”

“Yes.”

“And you’re married.”

“Yes.”

“Heol. I feel sorry for him. Just imagine how he felt that moment when you practically said no to him.”

“Minzy.” T_T

“Who initiated? I mean, how did the two of you get to be on that state? I mean… you know what I mean right?”

“Well, I was jealous so I did something and then he responded so…”

“So you’re the one who initiated?”

“I didn’t know we would end up like that.”

“Heol. And then you denied him.” She said shaking her head in disbelief.

“I know.”

“Poor Kwon.”

“Yeah.”

“I can smell divorce.”

“No!”

“You make it up to him.”

“I should right?”

“Yeah. And don’t overreact things. I don’t think he’ll leave you just because of that.”

“You think so?”

“He would’ve done it a long time ago if he wants to, right?” She said.

Well, maybe?

“Unnie.”

“Hmm?”

“You should talk to him and clear things. Because I think I know the reason why you’re being like this.”

“Huh?”

“It’s very obvious. You’re confused. You’re still not sure about everything. You’re full of doubts.”

Well… I guess I am.

 

 

********

 

 

It’s 10 in the evening and I’m here at the staircase waiting for him. Is he not coming home? He should be here now. Should I call him?

I stare at his name on the screen of my phone and hit the dial. There were how many rings and then he picks up.

[Chaerin.]

“Hey, umm, did I disturb you?”

[No.]

“Where are you now?

[I’m in my car. I’m driving.]

He sounds tired.

“Are you on your way home?”

[I’m on my way to my apartment.]

What?

“You’re not… staying here?”

[No.]

“But, why?”

[It’s been a while since I last stayed in my apartment.]

“Oh, okay.”

[Okay.]

“Bye.” I said and hang up.

Does this mean that he would no longer stay here? So we will go back to what we used to be before? But we were doing fine already.

I didn’t notice my phone was ringing. I look at the screen and it’s him. He’s calling.

“Jiyong.”

[Do you want me to come home?]

“Yes.”

[Okay.]

“Okay.” I said and he hangs up.

 

I sat on the last step of the staircase and stare at the door. And then I hear the sound of the engine outside. That’s him. The door opened and I stood up. He’s standing there wearing his black tuxedo with no ties. He looks tired, but still looks so gorgeous.

“Hey, it’s late now. Why are you still up?” He said and made his way to me.

“I was waiting for you.”

“You don’t have to wait for me. It’s late now. You should be sleeping already.”

“I’m sorry.” I said and I hear him sigh.

“Come on.” He said and took my hand and led me on our way upstairs.

We reached my room and he let go of my hand.

“Go to sleep now. Good night.” He said and made his way in his room.

But, I haven’t said my apologies to him yet. And I want to talk to him.

I made my way in front of his door and knocked. I opened the door and went inside.

He was ing his undershirt when he looked at me and stopped.

“What?”

“Can we talk?” I said.

“What is it?” He asked.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“For last night.”

“No, it was my fault.

“No. I’m sorry. It was my fault.”

“Chaerin-“

“I’m sorry, Jiyong. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, what’s wrong with you?” He said and moved closer to me.

“I’m sorry.”

“Are you crying? Why are you crying?” He said as he cups my face and wiped my tears.

Damn. Why do I keep on crying? What the hell is wrong with me?

“I’m sorry.” I said and I can hear faint sobs coming from me. Oh please Chaerin.

“Hey, look at me.” He said and I did. “What are you sorry for? About last night? You don’t have to apologize, okay? I understand.”

“No, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to behave like that. I’m sorry. Please don’t leave.”

“What? I’m not leaving. Hey.”

“But you were supposed to be staying in your apartment tonight, right? Do you plan on not staying here anymore?” I asked. “Please stay here.”

“I’m right here.”

“I’m sorry Jiyong.”

“For God’s sake Chaerin. What are you apologizing for? I understand what happened last night, okay? It’s fine. Really.”

“But-“

“Chaerin!”

“You’re mad at me.”

Now I’m really crying.

“Yes, I am mad. I’m tired from work and I really want to rest. I’m on my way to my apartment since it’s just a short drive from work but chose to come home here because you want me here. I want to rest so badly but here you are talking nonsense saying sorry for a hundred times even if there’s nothing to say sorry for. Yes Chaerin, I am mad.”

“Please don’t leave me.”

There. I said it. The thing I’ve been meaning to say to him. The thing that’s making me uneasy. The thing that’s scaring me. The idea of him leaving me. I don’t know when did I start feeling this. Maybe the day when I saw his ex-girlfriend here in our house? Or maybe since the day he moved out of the house?  I don’t know why he agreed to the marriage. Could it be that he agreed because he was left with no choice? Why is he seeing someone else? Does he plan on leaving me and just waiting for the right time to say and do it to me? I still don’t know what he feels for me. Does he really care for me? Does he love me? Or he’s just being the way he is because he just feels that he’s responsible for me. And last night…

“What?” He said with a sound of disbelief.

I look him in the eyes as tears continue to flow on my face.

“Don’t leave me, Jiyong. Please.”

Last night… When he left my room… I’ve thought of so many things. Things he could possibly do. What if…

“Chaerin.”

“Please.”

I know what I feel for him but I still don’t know what he feels for me. And, last night…

“Why would you say that?” He put his hands on my shoulder and regards me intently.

Jiyong…

“What made you think of that?” He asked.

“Because I’m no good for you. I know you don’t like me. You hate me.”

“How can you such things?”

“Because… Because I’m not a good wife. I’m not perfect. I don’t even stand at par with those girls that you like. And, last night… I can’t even fulfill my responsibility as your wife.”

“Come here.” He said and led me to his bed. “Sit down.” He said and I did as I am told. He bent his knees and kneeled in front of me. “Look at me.”

I stare at him. He stares at me and wiped the tears on my face.

 “Do you know why I agreed to the marriage even if I could’ve said no?” He said.

This is it. The moment I’ve been waiting for. To know his reason why he agreed to the marriage.

“No.” I said and he smiled.

“Because I like the idea of you being my wife.”

What? Does this mean…

“Do you know why I moved out of the house after the wedding?”

No, why did he move out?

“No.” I shook my head.

“Because I know that you just agreed to marry me because you can’t say no to my parents. Because you owe them. And it’s the least you can do for them, to say yes and marry me because that’s what they asked for you. And I know you hate me for that. That’s why I can’t bring myself to face you. Because I’ve put you in an unwanted situation and made you suffer.”

Oh my god. Jiyong…

“Do you know why I dated girls even though we’re already married?”

“Why?”

“Because I’m a bastard. And I know that no matter how bastard I am, you’ll always be there for me. You won’t leave me. I’m selfish, right?”

Jiyong….

“I thought you know me better that anybody else.”

Jiyong…

“You’re the only one who understands me and who can tolerate my attitude.”

Oh my…

“Why would I work so hard to earn for a living if it’s not for you?”

Jiyong…

“If I leave you then I’d have nothing left. So why would I do such a thing?”

Jiyong…

“Tell me, Chaerin. Do you hate me?”

Hate him? How can I bring myself to hate him?

“No.” I replied.

“Do you hate the idea of being married with me?”

The idea of being married with him? It’s a daydream.

“No.” I said.

“Then promise me one thing.”

“Huh?”

“Stay with me.”

Huh?

“You don’t have to be a good wife. You don’t have to love me. Just please don’t leave me.”

What?

“Please… stay with me. Can you promise me that?”

I can’t help but smile. He doesn’t plan on leaving me. He wants me to stay with him.

“Promise.” I replied.

We stare at each other with smiles on our faces. Now I’m relieved. All of the doubts, the uneasiness that I feel are gone. Now I’m sure about us. Everything is clear. But, there’s still one thing that I want to know.

“Can I ask you something, Jiyong?”

“What?”

“Do you love me?”

I stare at him but he didn’t say anything. He just remained in his position and stare at me.

“Jiyong… do you-“

I was cut off by his action. He grabs my head and before I know it, his lips met mine. Oh my god. I moan in his mouth welcoming him. He dominates and explores my mouth by his expert tongue. I’ve never been kissed like this before. I join him as we each other. It’s like we’re dancing and he’s taking the lead. He pulled me closer to him and pushed himself to me.

“Yes, baby. I love you. And I want you.” He growls.

Oh my god… He wants me. Kwon Jiyong, my husband, wants me. And I want him, here in his room, on his bed, now.

“I love you.”

 

 

~~~~~~~~

 

 

D note:

For those waited. ^____^

 

 

D x