Hayi

"Life is an awful, ugly place to not have a best friend," - Sarah Dessen, Someone Like You

There are a lot of things Lee Hayi is used to these days, a lot of things she's acquainted​ to and considers in the norm of things. So much has happened not just to her, but to her family, these past few months that things don't surprise her as easily as it did before; when she was younger, when she didn't know any better.

But now she does, and it's scary how the change doesn't bother her.

She's used to the house being eerily quiet, being still; it's not a level of calm and peace one wished to have in their home. Instead, it is cold and hard silence that Hayi has now been grown to be accustomed to. She had to get used to it, sooner or later.

She's used to her mother's cycle of texts. Thursdays, Fridays or Saturdays her mom would send her a text, see how she's doing, how she's feeling, what she's thinking; if she's still intact and sane. That's the first part of the message, the other part is to apologize, there are always apologizes in the text and promises that will be the root of the apologizes in the next text messages to come. It's all one big cycle, and Hayi is used to it. 

She's used to the snickers, the looks, the whispers, the words - all being done, all being said, all being given to her behind her back. She wasn't used to it last winter, but now she is. It's been nearly a year since the incident, and it's not even an option. It's a choice. She had to get used to it sooner or later, and obviously she chooses the latter. 

So when little Kyungmi and her petty gang of friends corner her just outside the cafeteria during lunch, when the crowd of the students are all inside and they're one of the few that are out, Hayi doesn't crumble. 

She doesn't succumb to their cold stares and crossed arms and mean words and backlash. 

In front of them, she stays cool and composed. She wants to look fierce and bold, even if inside she's already curled up like a ball and on the verge of sobbing. 

She doesn't want them to know that, however. She didn't want them to know they could affect her in such a way. 

"Move," the one word she utters is full of authority to her ears, yet the five girls remain there, blocking her way to the double doors of the cafeteria. She forms a fist with her hands, and somehow she begins to think of the first time she saw her brother hit someone. "Now."

It's Kyungmi who snickers at this. "No way," she flips her hair over her shoulder and takes a step closer to Hayi. They'd be nose to nose if Kim Kyungmi wasn't so short. Now they were nose to chin. She was an elf compared to her giant boyfriend and semi-giant friends. "I heard you, the other day, during study hall. I heard you, Lee Hayi." her words has venom behind them, and the inner Hayi is scared. Outer Hayi looks plain mad and annoyed.

"It would be hard if you didn't," she shrugs. "You have ears, even if you are small."

Kyungmi only smirks, because she's used to being called "small" and other synonyms of it. That's the thing about Kyungmi, she embraces her flaws like no other so all she has in her brain is confidence and not doubt. Never doubt. "You have a mouth, so say those words again. This time," another step closer and Hayi is practically crossing her eyes as she looks down at the petite figure that is Kim Kyungmi. "Infront of me,"

The girls behind her agree, and taunt her, , attack her with vulgar words that something triggers in the back of Hayi's mind.

"Go on, freak, say it if you're so brave!"

You gotta clench all your hand first, Hayi. Put all your fingers in except your thumb. Leave it out.

"I said say it to my face, coward."

Put all your power, all your energy and strength to your arm, then transfer it to your first. You have to raise it, then aim and - no, Hayi, no, you gotta keep both eyes open, okay?

A push, a shove, it causes her to move back. "Say it!"

You aim, you raise your fist and then channel all your strength to it and then -

"Whoa there~" from behind, she is getting dragged back from Kyungmi by the shoulders. Her eyes widen and her mind snaps back to reality, away from the memory, away from the vision of yesteryear with her brother. "Ladies, ladies, you're holding up the crowd, move please."

Hayi turns her head around to get a glimpse of the speaker, because it's obviously another guy and not the one who's holding her by the shoulders, as if pinning her down and trying to detain her.

"There is no crowd, -"

"No vulgar language towards the upperclassmen, please." the newcomer says to Kyungmi before she can finish. She actually sighs in frustration at this. "If you may excuse us, move. Please," he adds, a little hesitantly. Kind of like an afterthought.  

The girls, all five including Kyungmi, shot daggers her direction for emphasis that this wasn't over, before they actually leave and walk away. They left her alone, just like that, with just an interruption by an upperclassmen. 

Hayi turns her head to the side and sees Kim Jinhwan, looking down at her with an odd smile about. She looks to her other side and to her horror, it's Kim Hanbin. 

Their faces are so close, she jumps back in surprise. She had not been expecting that close proximity. 

Hanbin laughs; it's airy but loud, the kind of laugh only boys can make. Before her, he is donned in uniform and grey Nike shoes. The first two buttons of his polo is undone, and his tie is loose. His hair is a ridiculous bed hair and a set of headphones is dangling around his neck. He looks just like how he should be when she'll see him; in school, not out. 

"Come on, buttercup." he his head to the side, she tilts her's at the nickname he just gave her on the spot. "Let's go eat lunch," he moves to her other side and swings an arm around her shoulders, pulling her close enough towards him that she can smell his scent. He throws the other arm around Jinhwan, pulling him close as well. 

Struggling to break free, they enter the cafeteria and since there is a crowd of about a hundred or two, she stops and stays still, too embarrassed to do anything more than just pinch his sides so he'll let her go. 

Her attempts are futile, however. 

She already sees heads turning from the corner of her eyes. Attention is the last thing she wants.

"Hanbin, let me -"

A head pops into her line of sight, and the charming face smiles directly at her. "Hey, Hayi, I'm Jinhwan." 

She knows of this already, of course. Kim Jinhwan is perfection personified. He is absolutely brilliant in academics and totally compassionate and kinds to those around him. He's such a nice guy that girls can't help but fall head over heels for him. Not only is he part of the Student Council, but he is also part of other teams and gets called all the time during assemblies to be awarded certificates and medals to for previous competitions he's won. 

Words like smart, kind and good-looking are underestimating who he really is. He's more than just smart, more than just kind, and more than just good-looking. He is everything in between amazing and perfection.

And that's why Hayi is so starstruck by his greeting that she doesn't realize Hanbin has let go of her to get some food, while she sits on a table with Kim Jinhwan. 

She's not alone this time anymore, because Jinhwan is there with her, his smile gone droopy but still intact on his well-sculpted face. 

"I'm -"

"It's okay," he shakes his head. "Save it, I know who you are, and don't worry." he moves his chair closer to her, and he leans in as if he's going to share a secret. Just between him and her, and perhaps Hanbin too. These two are inseparable. "I only listen to the good, worthwhile things. I'm not into last winter, if you're wondering."

Hayi tilts her head in wonder, and she tries something. "But I wasn't, I wasn't wondering that at all."

His face is still the same, his composure also. He's cool and calm and collected and Hayi can tell they're going to be good friends if she even lets him and if he wants to. "Well, then I'll just put that out there so you don't have to worry."

"Why do I have to worry?"

He leans in, elbows on the table and eyes on her. "Don't play smart with me," he grins.

Hayi cracks a smile.

Hanbin is back, and he sits in between them flashing smiles at the two. Hayi is back to her poker face, but scowls a second later when he gives her a mocking smile that is obviously meant for what they did just ten minutes ago outside. "You should thank me,"

"Thank you," she says this to Jinhwan, and not Hanbin. The older laughs, while the younger pouts, distraught.

"I meant me, Lee Hayi." he says. "You've never thanked me before."

She is no longer listening to him because her eyes and attention are all on the food in front of her, placed on bowls on top of a tray. She notices there is only one tray and it's fit for two people. Hayi wants to ask Hanbin, but she already knows the answer.

A sigh. "Fine, whatever, eat up and stuff. I paid for it, don't worry." he says, and it confirms her unanswered question. 

She pushes the tray towards the two, shaking her head. "I'm not that kind of girl," her voice is hard again, it's tense and holds force behind it. "You don't need to be doing these things for me." she looks at Hanbin in the eye, daring him, challenging him. 

He only sighs, as if he's tired. And perhaps he is. With a strong personality like Hayi, who wouldn't be tired of always keeping yourself up on your toes in case she might explode? 

"Go on," it's Jinhwan who speaks up. He leans forward and picks up one of the two chopsticks on the tray. He opens them and starts digging through the mini meat balls. He pops two to his mouth and smiles at her with his mouth closed, chewing. "Eat," he says.

Hayi looks at Hanbin, and he nods. She shakes her head and stands up. He throws his hand in exasperation. Oh, come on, she can imagine him thinking that.

"Sit down," he says, hands on the back of his chair, ready to stand up in case she might walk away. "People are staring."

She doesn't need to look around to know, because she already does and suddenly, inside she heats up and is unable to move. When she realizes he's right, she does sit back down and face the tray, her back against the crowd and the eyes. "I'll have to pay you back," she says, not wanting to go down like this. 

"Hanbin doesn't like that," Jinhwan speaks up, still picking on the mini meat balls and stuffing them in his mouth. "When he treats you, he treats you. No refunds or anythings in return." 

Hayi snorts, Hanbin s the chopsticks in her hands. "It's food, I thought girls like food." 

"I like food," Jinhwan comments, picking on the butter corn this time, taking three at a time as he nips them with his chopsticks. 

Hanbin groans as he nudges Jinhwan's side with his elbow. Jinhwan snorts, but stuffs Hanbin's mouth with food as well. The sauce and butter goes trailing down one side of his mouth and he chokes, he attacks Jinhwan for this.

Hayi looks at them, chewing her lip and she's not really looking at them. She's looking past them and at the food. This wasn't right. Even just sitting here wasn't. 

But her stomach began to growl and her legs were to weak to function, and she feels like as if she might faint if she doesn't eat sooner or later. 

So, she picks her chopsticks up and eats the food that's been given to her, by Hanbin of all people, but still. She eats it gratefully and diligently at the same time that Hanbin is watching her as she does so. 

Later, at some point, amidst the chattering of the cafeteria, he turns away from her and she lets out a breath she did not know she had been holding in the first place. 

"Hey, hyung, you know that remix I was telling you about? I finished editing it last night, but I still don't know what the title for it is, but maybe you can help you. Wanna hear?"

The movement of chairs, the shifting of bodies; Hayi looks up, still chewing, and Jinhwan has his hand extended towards her, offering her an earbud. A small smile on as he says: "Wanna hear it too, Hayi?"

Hanbin turns his head to look at her, he then tilts it as his lips are drawn into a thin line. He is wondering, whether or not she'll accept. "Maybe you won't like it."

Hayi looks at him momentarily before nodding her head to Jinhwan, accepting the earbud and placing it on her right ear. "You made it entirely?" she says, asking Hanbin properly for the first time in a long time.

He shakes his head. "I think revise would be a better word. The beat isn't mine, but the lyrics are and -"

The song is played and Hayi doesn't listen to him anymore. She hears an unfamiliar but fun sounding beat being played, and then Hanbin's voice comes on and he's spitting out words and lyrics and rhymes and metaphors and similes and many more things. 

He's literally spitting them out like saliva, he's not singing, he's rapping and to her, his voice actually sounds good and his flow is great considering the beat is kind of fast and repetitive. 

When the song is done and she catches only half the lyrics, Jinhwan is beaming behind Hanbin and is telling him his thoughts on it, but his eyes are only on her and they're full of worry and doubt, as if he's silently asking himself if she liked it or at least found it tolerable.

"I liked it," she answers for him. She gives a smile, one that is a little forced but he needed it. "It was new and different and I liked it. Was the beat your's?"

"No," he looks back at Jinhwan and pats his cheek affectionately. "Thanks, hyung, I'll make sure to keep that in mind." he turns back to her, eyes smiling. "Do you know Ed Sheeran?"

Her nose crinkles. "Who's he?"

"A musical, lyrical genius." he says, pulling the earbud from her ear. "You have to listen to him, Hayi, he's amazing. Jinhwan-hyung and I idolize him and maybe you'll like him too." he says as he takes his iPod from Jinhwan and plugs in the cord of his headphones.

Hayi shrugs, telling them both she'll check him up but the cold truth is that she doesn't even have an internet connection at their place. "Don't you need your other friends to listen to that? It was really good, your lyrics were good."

"Thanks, but..." Hanbin scratches the back of his head. "What are you talking about? Jinhwan-hyung is my only friend." he grins, not embarrassed by this fact, and he throws an arm over Jinhwan's shoulder and they both laugh and smile together.

Hayi cannot help but notice how Hanbin's teeth are whiter, straighter, more attractive somehow and when he opens his mouth wide to laugh along, there is something weirdly likeable about Kim Hanbin that Hayi can tolerate. 

> ; <

She reads a book about the main character's passion for music, and how she strives to reach her dream of being a professional DJ that the world will come to know and love and respect.

It's not all that different to Hanbin's occupation, for her to be honest, because during lunch in between their smiles and formal conversations, Jinhwan mentions Hanbin's dream occupation of being a producer in some big-shot company, DG or BG or whatever that was called. 

Truthfully, she knew even from before that Hanbin had a thing for music. He was always singing, humming, whistling, tapping his foot to the beat of a song that it was hard not to notice his love for music. He was, however, shy when Jinhwan had been telling her all this, but then she told him not to be.

Hanbin has changed in ways she doesn't know, and perhaps he has matured, just a little bit, and the fact that she wasn't there to see it for herself triggers something at the back of her mind; she sees an image burning in the back of her eyelids that is of neglected toys, broken promises and shattered trust.

Hayi puts the book down and sighs. She looks out the window of the school library that is shaped like an archway. She sees the sky, blue as ever, the buildings not half as those in Seoul or Incheon, the students down below her, all eagerly walking to the gates to go home and get out of here.

She sees Jimin, skipping happily out the gate. Kyungmi, swaying her hips from side to side with her boyfriend's hand in her's. Jinhwan, surrounded by other boys that is not the familiar face Hayi suddenly and confusedly feels guilty towards.  

She looks down, a little lower and she sees that face. She sees Hanbin, who is a few steps behind Jinhwan but seems to be in the same group of guys walking out, he's surrounded too but she remembers what he said during lunch.

Jinhwan is his only friend.

It's hard to believe the owner of a smile as wide, as happy and as real as the one he is showing down below, only has one friend he can count on, and suddenly she is forced to wonder if it's too late to pick the pieces back up. 

> ; <

so, i have a lot of silent readers. like, what are you guys afraid of or something?
anyways, i hope you'll actually comment your thoughts because things are going to get interesting here on out. mark my words and anticipate the next chapter c;