Hanbin.

Winter 2011

It was that time of the year again; where Christmas songs dominated the radio, the temperature drops every hour or so, snowflakes fall from the sky, and mistletoes are hanged above doorframes and on ceilings.

Hanbin didn't particularly enjoy winter, but Christmas was always fun and the snow was cold, but it was beautiful nonetheless, that one night, he managed to make a two-minute song all about snow and the joys it brings to people, especially the people in his school.

After that incident a few weeks ago, Hanbin hasn't been treated any differently except for the constant murmuring and hushed whispers he hears when he walks the hallways. He doesn't catch what they're saying, and he used to care but not these days. His classmates were still the same, the boys acted as though none of that feud in the cafeteria ever happened.

It was weird yet relieving at the same time for him, because he didn't want to talk about it ever again. Junhong doesn't even acknowledge him anymore at all, and Hanbin does the same. 

Hayi still does though, acknowledge him that is, and of course, Hanbin does the same and returns the favor too because he's thankful how she isn't avoiding him anymore. He swears, one time, perhaps a month or two ago, he sees her running away or turning around when he rounds the corner or walks her way. He never had the chance to ask her why, and he doesn't plan on to either, not now when everything seemed to go so smoothly between them again. 

They pass by each other on their way to their classrooms one morning and he doesn't expect much from her, because she was reading whilst maneuvering through the crowd, her eyes trained solely on the book before her. 

He lifted his hand, ready to greet and not expecting anything in return other than a scowl or perhaps a roll of the eyes. 

"Hay -"

"Hey, Hanbin."

He was a little startled, to be completely honest, when she greeted him enthusiastically and high-fived his lifted hand. She flashes a smile as she walks past him and that was enough to make him stop in his tracks and look back at her in wonder.

She just turned her head around, and continued to walk the other way.

Now that he thinks of it, she did had a special bounce to her step that one winter morning. 

> ; <

On the last day of the exams, where there were only four tests left that were the obstacles they needed to get through in order for winter break to come, which was tomorrow. Hanbin was in all the information he could read out of those textbooks as he walks into school that morning, Jinhwan by his side, telling him things he doesn't really mean and words he doesn't really believe in. 

"You know, it's really not that important, you can always take this slow and steady, I mean it's the first grading, we shouldn't be -"

"Shut up, hyung," he seethes, throwing him a glare to state his point. "We can't all be smart like you, jeez."

"Don't be so stressed, Bin." Jinhwan says, patting him on the back with a pointed look. Hanbin scowls, and Jinhwan walks away, headed for his locker.

The halls are packed, students are by their lockers as they memorize formulas and dates and algorithms and charts and everything else in between those. They have notes, books, notebooks in their hands and Hanbin is struggling as he recites the name of the Korean generals in his head.

Kim Youngkwan. Ji Junyoung. Lee Sanggun. Lee... 

A familiar face appears in the corner and like that, he's distracted. 

He lifts his hand up, and she lifts her own.

They meet, all smiles and kind words.

"Good luck, Hanbin."

They high five and she passes by him like the winter breeze.

"Uhh, you too. Do well,"

Her smile widens, and it's such a lovely scene that he thinks it can melt winter away and replace it with spring instead.

"Don't worry, I will." 

There was only now that separated them from tomorrow's freedom, and seeing her smile so widely made him have faith in himself. 

> ; <

His father comes home in the crack of dawn and by then, he's already finished with another song of his. It doesn't have a title yet, but perhaps it might contain the word "smile" in it somehwere, he thinks this earlier around 10 pm.

Smiling and laughing and looking so perfect
I can't find enough words to describe you
You put stars to shame, and even the
moonlight has nothing on your smile and grace

His father seems to be tired and Hanbin pretends he's asleep so he stays as quite as possible when the knob jiggles behind him, also pretending he doesn't hear it or his father softly calling out for him from the other side of the door. 

It's in the way you make me feel,
like I'm something special and
not just something that's a waste of space
I like how you talk to me, 
like I might have a chance with you

"Hanbin," he can hear his father say, his words cutting the eerie silence of the city like a knife. It's so quiet, he can hear his father shift his weight from one foot to another just outside his room. "Hanbin," he says one more time before footsteps are heard and they fade a little while later. 

I want to start something new
based on what we had years ago,
your smile tells me it's safe to 
rekindle old flames but can I trust you just yet? 

His father passes by his room a little later and he's still scribbling down lyrics with the lamp at the lowest light level it has. He hears the old man grunt from the other side and Hanbin restrains himself to open the door and run to him, because he knows he won't greeted with the hugs he oh-so loved from back before. 

The words I don't get so say are now
blown by the wind and up in the sky,
now they hang in the air and I wish for them
to stay there, because I don't want to say anything
that will ruin the smile you're giving me now

He sighs, stretches his limbs and upper body before proceeding to turn off the light. He moves sluggishly towards his bed, the only source of light now was the one under his door. His eyes move towards it and something rectangular catches his eye.

Hanbin crouches down, picks it up and is too curious to sleep now. 

Seoul, tomorrow at 0700. 

> ; <

Seoul city is everything Hanbin had been dreaming of. When he steps out of the car and takes a good look around him, absorbing and taking everything in, as they are parked nearby the very heart of the city. 

Hanbin can't help but feel amaze and so tiny all at once, because not only is Seoul five, perhaps even up to ten times bigger than his own hometown, he feels as if he actually belongs in here and fits right in the 10 million people living and breathing and sharing the same air as him. 

The air is cold and mist comes out from his mouth and the snow pours down every once in a while in the already gray city and he has to rub his hands more frequently than back home, but for Hanbin, it's alright because he's finally in the city he has always dreamed of being at. 

The streets are packed, the cars are loud and the people rush past here like they don't have time at all and his father walks in a pace Hanbin can barely keep up with, but it's alright because he has to get used to these sort of things sooner or later.

He was, after all, going to live here someday. He swears upon it. 

"... I know, but can I move the stocks tomorrow? They're already coming in later tonight and there's nothing we can do about it..." his father is talking on the phone, briefcase in the other hand as he strides forward.

Hanbin talked little on the way here and even less now that they are in the city. But Hanbin spots a shop from across the street and it catches both his eye and attention, he just has to stop and look.

"Dad," he says, tugging onto his sleeve like a child. His father ends the call and sighs as he places the phone back into the pocket of his slacks, but he looks at Hanbin with mild interest nonetheless. He gestures to the store. "I think Hanbyul might like something from there." 

His little sister couldn't come because she had the flu, and Hanbin promised both his parents not to brag about the trip when he comes back. 

He made the promise, but he'll still brag anyway. So to make it less painful for her, he decides to buy her a gift even though he already bought her a perfectly tolerable Christmas gift a week ago, and the said gift is now at the back of his underwear drawer where Hanbyul doesn't dare touch. 

They enter the shop and it's only when they realize it's actually one of those vintage thrift shops. Hanbin is amazed at the things hanging from the ceilings, littered on the floor, lined by the wall and so on. He has never been into a shop quite as diverse as this one, and he realizes now Seoul does have a variety of shops. 

His father stops to look at old, victorian-style clocks while Hanbin indulges deeper into the store where metals are faded yet pretty all the same. He finds circle-shaped pendant that's the color of turquoise and he doesn't hesitate to get it for his mom. 

Colorful socks are displayed on hangers and Hanbin can't help but laugh a little. One with unicorn patterns lures him in to buy it for Jinhwan, as a joke. He was itching to do so.

He smiles at the thought before he turns around, and he finds the perfect gift for Hayi. 

> ; <

Hanbyul isn't the least bit upset when she receives the plastic bag full of dyed and checkered shirts alike. She sits on her bed, laying them out in front of her like tarot cards and her face beams of such happiness that he feels like he deserves a pat in the back for being such a good brother. 

"Do you like it?" he says, munching on a late night snack as he just got back a little over an hour ago. Outside, the leaves rustle and he stands up to close the window for her. 

"I love it!" she squeals, giggling like the child that she is. "My friends would be really jealous of me if I showed this to them. You finally did good, oppa."

"Of course," they exchanged smile, although Hanbyul's is brighter. He bites into his snack before heading to the door, thinking about calling it a day now. "Glad you like it, and hey, by the way? Dad and I ate at this really fancy restaurant next to the building of that boy group you liked and I even -"

"Oppa, are you giving Hayi-unnie a gift too?"

".. went into a music store and - woah, what?" 

His hand falls beside him, and he looks at her, surprised and feeling a little caught right now. She looks back, eyes full of wonder and small smile plastered on her face. 

She looks too innocent that it makes him think she means no harm, but he should know better. She's his sister. 

Hanbin only shakes his head and grabs the doorknob again. "Good night, Hanbyul." he says.

"But, oppa! You -"

"I said, 'good night'."

> ; <

Hanbin feels the engine vibrate underneath his seat, and his hands clutch tightly against the steering wheel of the chevy. He takes a deep breath; in, out, in, out, inhale, exhale, inhale, exhale.

His nerves get the best of him and he wobbles out of the car and stumbles into the cold winter night. He doesn't really know why he's so nervous. He had just been to Jinhwan's and even then, he felt a little giddy as he gave his one true friend a gift for this special occasion. 

Now, as he is walking the rather crowded street of where Hayi resides, he feels himself sweat and getting all worked up again like a few minutes ago at Jinhwan's. Perhaps Hanbin was shy, or an introvert when it came to families and other people's relatives; he wasn't the type to mingle with groups of elders. 

So that's why Hanbin wants to make it quick and short. He thinks this when he enters the unlocked door of the flower shop, and he walks in the dark with the scent of flowers invading his nostrils all at once. 

He rings the bell on the counter, and he can hear music and chatter coming from upstairs. The lights are on and when he leans forward and tilts his head up, he can see shadows and silhouettes and outlines of bodies on the wall.

Hanbin swallows and rings the bell ten times more. 

The room is suddenly light to life, and Hanbin finds himself blinking a few times to adjust to the brightness. When the spots are gone and he opens his eyes, Hayi is standing there, grinning broadly at him. 

"Oh, I thought it was you." she says, her voice a little off as she walks down the stairs and faces him directly, the counter separating them. "My cousin mentioned a creepy guy, and who else would show up in the shop at this time of hour? Only Kim Hanbin, I say."

He raises an eyebrow as he steps back when she walks towards him, her dress the color of glittering gold and blue, her hair up in a ponytail and her face seemed prettier than ever. He had never seen her so dressed up like this, like tonight. "Uhh, Hayi, hi, you were having a party? I -"

"Oh, it was just my relatives and family." she says, waving a hand dismissively on the topic. "Anyways, what brings you here." 

When he finally realizes what's happening, he chuckles to himself because it seems so obvious now. "Woah, someone's a little tipsy." he jokes, poking her by the arm. She sways a little but laughs along with him. 

"I'm not! I just really liked the champagne my cousin brought, hey do you want a taste? I can -"

"No, Hayi," he says, laughing a little over how she was acting right then. He grabs hold of her wrist and pulls her back, the other hand carries the gift and places it in her hands. "I just wanted to give you this. Merry -"

"A book!" she exclaims, eyes widening and face beaming with happiness as she receives it from his hands. The rectangular shape of the wrapping giving away the present inside. Hanbin smiles, nonetheless. "Wow, you really are amazing, Hanbin. Thanks a lot! But, I - I don't really have anything for you in return, but -"

Hanbin places his hands in his pockets, he was still wearing the same suit and tie he used when he ate his Christmas dinner an hour ago. He shakes his head again at her. "It's okay. I never expected anything, don't worry."

"Really?" she tilts her head to the side, her lips pursed, and now he can see how there's a tint of red in her cheeks. Must be from the drinking, honestly, it was amusing seeing her like this. "But, I kind of do have a gift."

"You do?"

"I just thought of it a second ago,"

"You did -"

She leans in, all smiles, as she envelopes him in a hug with her arms wrapped around his neck and her scent now dominating his own. Her chin rests on his shoulder and Hanbin has his hands on her back now, not sure what to do because this was the first time in a long time he's hugged her. 

It feels good and friendly. 

"Thank you," she whispers when she's about to let go. Hanbin lets her, and a smile is already on his face. 

"Merry Christmas,"

"Merry -" her lips are soft, tender and it grazes over his skin like a feather when she kisses him on the cheek. Perhaps it wasn't a kiss, just a peck. He likes to think it's a friendly peck, or a drunken peck, but something inside him makes him think otherwise. "Christmas.."

He trails off, and Hayi is smiling at him and it's the first time he feels his heart skip a beat.

> ; <

ta-daaaa.
love blossom.