[CONTENTID3]             FOUR[/CONTENTID3] [CONTENTID2] "What is love?"[/CONTENTID2]

[CONTENTID1]

Oct. 29/2013                      (Baekhyun)

I feel like I'm losing it. Every moment I look at others, all I could think of is how I'm not worth it. All those laughes and intimacy, they aren't meant for me. I don't hate seeing people being happy and I don't hate the world for being the way it is. I'm just sad that I cannot be a part of it. And it hurts.

When I glance down from the balcony of our apartment, there will always be someone who is having a good time. I don't blame them for anything. But the more I watched, the more I found out how much I want it, too. I want to be held tightly to someone, I want to be able to simle, I want to find the strength to step outside of this place again. 

Even though Jongdae has been here with me all the time, it doesn't make it better for any of us. All I do is making him worry about me. I've seen him drawing protective walls between me everything that matters, and himself is taking careful steps around me. I'm still not sure whether he loves me but I feel guilty.

He would be better without me, wouldn't he?

Nov. 2/2013                      (Jongdae)

I think Baekhyun is going to go insane.

Just like the months before, all he does now is thinking stuff that will definitely hurt him even more. Yet the more I try to stop him, the more he seems to pull away. I know he probably doesn't want me around, and that he probably hates me for holding on, but I cannot simply walk away like this. Baekhyun is everything I love, everything I want, everything I have, and he is everything I am. Baekhyun is far too important to me, and it pains me watching him do things to himself.

I made a promise for both of us, that I will never ever let go of him. Because without Baekhyun, nothing matters.

In the end, we will be together.

Nov. 10/2013                      (Baekhyun)

I don't want any of this. It's getting colder and colder, and I could sense the death of a year is coming. If I lie to myself, I would say that I'm not afraid. But that is nowhere near the truth. My nightmares are getting more and more horrible, and I'm not able to snap out of them at all. They are so realistic that I'm starting to wonder if they had been real. Everytime I close my eyes, there seems to be an infinite darkness calling for me, waiting for me with all the monsters in the world. I couldn't sleep and the fatigue is slowly taking its toll on me. I can feel everything.

But maybe there is still one good thing that comes out from this. Jongdae.

I tend to push him away when I'm having a bad time, but now he's starting to refuse to let go. There had been several nights I woke up in his embrace, soaked in his scent. And somehow, listening to his breathing soothes me a little better than the sleeping pills. I think I'm getting used to his presence in this, and perhaps that's not a bad thing, is it? He gives me a feeling of certainty, ensurance. I don't know why but just by looking at him, I no longer feel as insecured. He has become the reason I want to wake up every day. He is the one that I never want to be apart with. Jongdae has been by my side for so long that I cannot imagine living without him. I think he is why I'm still breathing.

I love Jongdae. And I'm never going to leave him.

Nov. 14/2013                      (Jongdae)

We made love yesterday.

This shouldn't be something too out of ordinary but it had been too long since we last shared such intimacy with each other. Baekhyun had withdrawn himself from me so much since April that it seemed like he didn't want me to touch him anymore, but something about him is different recently. His nightmares are still around and he was getting headaches as well. However, for the past week, he didn't sulk in bed throughout a whole day like before. There is more life in his eyes and he would put on a small smile when he sees the sunlight in the room. I don't know what changed him but he is slowly opening up to me and his surroundings again.

Now all I could think about is how Baekh