[CONTENTID3]             THREE[/CONTENTID3] [CONTENTID2]     "If only..." [/CONTENTID2]

[CONTENTID1]

Aug. 21/2013                      (Jongdae)

Baekhyun's still getting worse.

It's been a month since I got him prescribed to medicinal sleeping pills, and he finally was able to sleep better than he did. I didn't want him to have any drugs but the insomnia was going to kill him. I couldn't bear to look at those blood-red eyes and swollen lips and pale skin of his every day. And Baekhyun never told me what was causing his insomnia. I was so scared that something would happen to him.

He doesn't seem to be as tired but he started to get distant. It feels like he's not actually focusing on anything around him. He had been staring into nothingness so much lately. He even locked himself on the balcony yesterday, and again he wouldn't tell me why.

I'm still scared that Baekhyun is changing. I will never give up on him, but I don't know if he would give up on himself.

Sep. 8/2013                      (Baekhyun)

Jongdae gave me roses today. He said he had chosen the colors of each flower by himself. It is a beautiful bouquet and I really like it.

And now I'm sitting here, the flowers are put by the window. I feel like they're staring back at me, with those dead, dark, lifeless petals. They're just so peaceful that if people don't think about it, no one would notice that they're dying. Yes, the roses are dying. They were once vibrant and fragrant on the stems, but time will not be on their side, I know. They will slowly lose the life in them, the petals will grow yellow and shrink into a small, flat, disgusting-looking ball of death. They are screaming and crying for help in that vase. I can hear their desperate calls but there is nothing I can do.

This is the circle of life, I guess. We grow up pretty and tamed, then without warning, we come to the end of the journey. There were things that could make me happy, but now just merely thinking about anything makes me cringe with fear. I don't know why there is this uncertainty haunting me every second every day. I look around trying to find my cause for life but I always end up getting even more confused. I don't know what can make me happy anymore.

If only things were different...

Sep. 10/2013                      (Jongdae)

I have to help Baekhyun.

Baekhyun threw out the roses I gave him. He locked himself in the room and kept talking about the circle of life. He mentioned that the life of a person is just a mirage, and that it would end at any moment. He said that he was helping the roses out of their misery since