In the past 19 years of my life, I felt stupid.

 

 

After I met Irene, I felt more stupid.

 

 

I felt stupid for falling for her. I felt stupid for not having the encourage to try. I felt stupid for leaving her without saying a goodbye. I felt stupid being teased again and again by her when we met again.

 

 

 

But I don’t hate myself for being stupid for her. It’s what love do to you. I’m a moth and she’s my flame, remember ?

 

 

Still, I want to be better for her. Plus, it’s no fun if it’s just her doing all the tease.

 

 

 

And I understand why we aren’t still not together yet. Baby steps, no ? We didn’t even know each other that much 2 years ago, and the things didn’t go that well for us neither.

 

 

That’s why I agree that we are slowly letting each other into our lives. Knowing each other’s little habits and such.

 

 

 

Is it what you are thinking too, Irene ? Are you thinking of me, of us ?

 

 

Yeah, I am not going to lie if you ask me, “Aren’t you worried or jealous since Irene is kind of on the loose ? Someone could just snatch her away from you. Or she could just be playing with you.”

 

 

 

Seulgi had once talked to me about that. “Why don’t you just confess for sake ?”

 

 

“I’m scared.”

 

 

“I thought you have stepped out from the closet already.”

 

 

“What if Irene has changed ? What if I don’t love her as much I thought after we got together ? What if everything about Irene is just in my head ? All her good and bad ?”

 

 

 

“My friend, you think too much. And this is the only bad thing you have. T-R-Y. Try. Just thinking doesn’t get you anywhere.”

 

 

“You have tried with Joy and it works out pretty well, of course you said so.”

 

 

“I have tried many things with her and not all of them turned out well. My back is still hurt from last w-”

 

 

“Jeez, you don’t need to tell me every bit of your love life. It is gross.”

 

 

 

“You have a dirty mind. I ain’t hinting anything here.”

 

 

“You aren’t not helping. At all.”

 

 

“Good luck dying a then.”

 

 

“You are really gross, Kang Seulgi.”

 

 

 

I thought of Augustus Waters from “The Faults in Our Stars”. According to this legendary fictional character, in a circle of s, 18-year-old dudes with one leg takes up a certain space. I guess 21-year-old stupid homouals who only have one love interest in their lifetimes are the same.

 

 

Don’t be tricked by my appearance and my confident look when I am at work. I am a nerd inside out. I am insecure and I am easily affected by how people say about me. So my motto is to keep a positive mind.

 

 

 

Although it doesn’t always work. For example, whenever I see someone named Bae Joohyun.

 

 

 

I have been trying hard. I swear. I tried to plan everything out, what to say, how to back, since my brain goes down whenever we meet. 

 

 

Or let me put it in this way. 

 

 

I have been Clark Kent in most of my life. A nerd who only stays within the comfort zone. For some reason or it’s just times goes by, Clark Kent unleashes the Superman that has been hidden deep under the skin. I have returned as a successful young lady and when I am in my working suit, I am fierce and I am invincible.

 

 

And Bae Joohyun, aka Irene, is my kryptonite. Also the Lois Lane to this Clark Kent.

 

 

 

I didn’t expect she has become a famous figure in the field too. It seems that no matter how much I've tried, she is still on a par with me. Or worse, she has me in the palm of her hands since I have fallen head over heels for her.

 

 

We seldom go on formal dates except the one where we reunited after 2 years. Although she told me she likes me then, I am still doubting it in this very minute.

 

 

If she really likes me, why is she holding back ? Is it that she is afraid to fall like I do ?

 

 

 

Tonight is no exception.

 

 

I can’t help but wonder, does she already have a boyfriend or girlfriend before she met me again ?

 

 

She keeps this ambitious relationship with me just because she feels bad rejecting me after hearing the song or she feels like having me again but she doesn’t want to let go whoever she’s dating already ?

 

 

 

It seems after coming out to my family, I will soon have another shocking news to tell them - I will die a .

 

 

 

“ you, Irene.” I throw my car keys to the teapoy when I get back to Seulgi’s apartment. Of course, I don’t mean literally.

 

 

The bear isn’t around since she’s on a trip with Joy. And I don’t want to talk to that gross creature again either.

 

 

Yes, the biggest failure in my life is falling for this certain Bae.

 

 

 

I pop a beer. Screw you, screw my life. And I cook myself a simple dinner although I can afford dining in the most expensive restaurant in town. Simply because I hate to see couples and families happily hugging and kissing each other there.

 

 

Yeah, myself too.

 

 

Why I am such a nice and kind person but I just can’t get her ? I even hooked our secretaries up, doing some good.

 

 

I could have gotten myself a bae any day of the week but I only want that one with the capital B as her surname.

 

 

 

At the end of the day, I lay on my cold and empty bed refreshing some news and is interrupted by a call.

 

 

“Hello ?” I answer it rather sound annoyed without seeing the name of the caller as I am obviously not in a good mood.

 

 

“Wendy ?” It’s Irene. She seldom calls. ‘Cause she likes surprises.

 

 

 

“What can I help you ? Problem with your date ?” I hate to remind myself that she’s possibly with someone else right now. And she still calls me. 

 

 

“Wendy, I wanna confess to someone.”

 

 

 

What ? She wants to ask me to help her with that ? Nah. Impossible.

 

 

you, Irene. you. And I don’t care if it’s metaphoric or literal.

 

 

 

I don’t have the guts to tell her so, and reply, “Sorry but I don’t have much experience. Good luck then.”

 

 

I even wished her good luck since I don’t have the strength to fight her anymore. Just get the hell out of my face and be happy with someone else, not playing with my feelings anymore.

 

 

 

“Should I be waiting at the front door ?” She keeps on asking on the other side of the phone.

 

 

you to hell. Can’t you even think of a decent plan if you really mean to confess ?

 

 

 

“I think you also need to knock.” I just wanna hang up but I can’t. My hand keeps gasping on the damn phone and I can feel the screen heating up my cheek. I want her to keep talking to me and drop her confession plan.

 

 

Or she can stand outside someone’s front door all night and be frozen to death if she doesn’t knock. And I won’t even care. 

 

 

 

Nah, just joking. 

 

 

I might actually jump down from the Golden Gate Bridge yelling “I Love You Irene Bae Joohyun” to the world then we would be together in hell. That’s why I said Irene to hell.

 

 

Oops, just another joke. Haha.

 

 

 

“So…. Can you just open the door ? I am too scared to knock.” 

 

 

 

I rush to the door in my pjs and swing it open. She is grinning towards me and still holding her phone in one hand while another is in her pocket.

 

 

I think I am too shocked….. or surprised to say anything.

 

 

 

“Argh……. Surprise ?” 

 

 

“You’re stupid too, you know.”

 

 

 

I drag her inside and is so ready to scold her head off.

 

 

“Before you get mad at me, remember what I’ve just said ?” She points at the phones in our hands.

 

 

 

Oh yes…..

 

 

“Can’t you think of a better confession surprise without standing on the street in such a cold winter day ? You might catch a cold or freeze to death before you even get to see me. What if I went out ?”

 

 

I frown seeing even her nose is red because of the cold. Yeah, she looks incredibly cute but…..  Her body is still slightly trembling.

 

 

 

“I know you.” Irene grins again showing her white teeth.

 

 

“But I don’t.” 

 

 

 

I gaze at her lovely face and sigh once again for her.

 

 

 

“Wendy.” She steps closer towards me. 

 

 

“Son Seungwan.” She cups my face with her cold hands. 

 

 

 

It chills me down to my spine and my instinct tells me to warm them with my own.

 

 

I can see her eyes sparked up feeling my hands on hers.

 

 

 

“Yes ?” 

 

 

“Did I ever tell you I like your eyebrows ?” 

 

 

 

What a weird .

 

 

 

“No.” I smile. 

 

 

“I like your smile too.” 

 

 

 

“Go on.” I smile brighter.

 

 

“I like your voice. I like your little gestures. I like your personality.” 

 

 

 

“Even I am dumb sometimes ?” I halt my breathing as she leans even closer and our nose tips touch. 

 

 

“I like your everything. I like …. No. I love you.”

 

 

 

She finishes her little speech and closes the little gap between us.

 

 

It’s different from the teasing kisses and pecks we had. None of us move after our lips have molded together. I finally understand why people say action speaks louder than words.

 

 

 

She breaks away and asks with expectant eyes. “Can you be my girlfriend ?”

 

 

I smile again. “No need to ask, silly.” 

 

 

 

She then hugs me so close in return and I take my time breathing the scent I’ve been longing for. Seriously, not being y but which brand of body-wash does she use ? I know she has been using the same brand 'cause she always smells the same but I can’t find the exact same scent in every shop.

 

 

Maybe it comes from herself. Oh. Does it make me a ert too ?

 

 

 

“Sorry for making you wait so long.” Her hands find their way to my cheeks again.

 

 

“As long as you don’t have someone else in line for you.” I look into her dark orbs.

 

 

Beautiful. Captivitating. Once you're in, you could never get out.  Lord, I’d never get enough of her.

 

 

 

“Even if there are, they don’t stand a chance.”

 

 

I wanna say something but her pecks prevent me from talking, even a single syllable.

 

 

“I’m really sorry, Wendy.”

 

 

“It’s okay now. I love you too.”

 

 

 

So she starts off a staring contest with me. She stares, deeper and deeper. I see my own reflection from her eyes.

 

 

I think I am lost there. It’s like getting drunk. I am getting drunk of her. Oh. What a poetic way of saying you are deeply miserably in love with her.

 

 

Son Seungwan you hopeless bastard.

 

 

I can’t deny the fact that I am already drunk even she hasn’t do much things to me. Yet. I think I hear her muttering something to me as she begins kissing me again. 

 

 

 

“Shall I make it up to you now ?” I am completely defenseless towards her everything.

 

 

The next thing I know is I am back on the bed I was lying on before I got her call. With her. Technically, with her straddling me.

 

 

Oh, it sounds so embarrassing. And it isn’t a dream. Or some drunken bull I made up in my head all by myself. 

 

 

 

“You are more obedient than you look.” She grins, no, she smirks as her eyebrows move along.  do the talking and her hands do their own work. Like pinning my hands on the sides of my head. Tugging my jumper and gradually sneakily taking it off.

 

 

I hold her hips so she won't fall off. “You are more lustful than you look.” And sinful.

 

 

 

I would die happy if loving you or being with you is a deadly sin. You are no longer whatever pretentious wicked products of the hailing of masculinity.

 

 

You are mine. My Bae.

 

 

And yeah, I would die happy because I don’t have to die a anymore. Mom and dad, I hope you will be proud as I am.

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

“Wendy, here is the file from Seohyun.”

 

 

I greet Seolhyun with my bright smile in this freaking Monday. “Hey good morning. Thanks.”

 

 

 

“And…. I…….” She struggles in finding the right words.

 

 

“You and Hyejeong.” I cross my fingers and await.

 

 

 

She bites the corner of her bottom lip, “It went well. She’s asked me out again.” 

 

 

“Good. Great. Nice.” I chuckle from my heart. 

 

 

“So… hm…. Thanks.”

 

 

 

I thought she would go back to work after reporting but she didn’t.

 

 

“And boss.”

 

 

“Yes ?”

 

 

 

“I think you should buckle up one more button of your shirt.” She fakes a cough. 

 

 

Judging from her shy gaze, I believe it is what I am afraid it is. “I guess it’s no use if I say it’s a bruise from my pole-dance class.” 

 

 

Still the same old thing - you Bae Joohyun. And I ing mean it this time.

 

 

 

“You don’t do pole-dancing as I know.” Seolhyun tries her best not to burst into laughter. “And I think you have had a great time with Hyejeong’s boss too.” And she flees back outside giggling.

 

 

As I know from Irene, Hyejeong, like her boss, is very much another big gay byantae. So good luck to you, Kim Seolhyun. Especially when you keep wearing that mini-skirt and tight white shirt everyday.

 

 

When comes around goes around girl. Do you listen to Justin Timberlake ?

 

 

 

 

 

-

 

 

 

 

 

“Damn you mothering dickhead.” 

 

 

I watch her cursing those swear words in 2 seconds as she throws a punch at the man’s left jaw, dislocating it right away. She gets her job done by kicking his balls with her steel-toed heels, paralyzing or castrating him right away. It looks so hot and it has ridiculously .

 

 

 

“Watch you tongue, Irene Bae.” I smile as I glance at another man who is already beaten up by me 1 minute ago and now has one only leg and arm movable.

 

 

She wipes her delicate hands and those slender fingers with the man’s shirt, “I have done a cleaner job than you.”

 

 

 

“It doesn’t matter as long as we both rocked their asses.” I shrug as I order 2 more drinks from the psychological traumatized bartender.

 

 

“I only feel bad for his Armani shirt. Look at all those blood.” Irene clicks her tongue eyeing the dude who is passed out by my feet.

 

 

 

“He tried to lay his hands on you.” I gulp down a Martini and not forgetting to slip some more tips to the poor bartender.

 

 

“He tried to lay his hands on you too.” She sips on her Margarita so calmly.

 

 

 

“Anyway, I must say you got some skills there.” I turn my head around to see some guys getting the unconscious bodies out of the scene.

 

 

“I don’t only have skills in bed.” 

 

 

 

I turn back around as I feel a hot breathe tickling my neck. Here she goes again. Smirking, grinning, giggling. Her cheeks are a little rosier because of the booze.

 

 

“Are we really going to talk about it here ?”

 

 

 

Her eyes squint at me before answering my obvious question, “I’m glad you decided to meet our clients at the same place.”

 

 

“Yeah ? And ?” I scoot closer to her side supporting her body since I sense she’s getting tipsy. Feeling my touch, her hands automatically find their way and cling onto my arm this time.

 

 

 

“I am thinking…….. If you fall for someone else one day, can it be someone shorter ?”

 

 

“Why ? You don’t trust me ?” I adjust my sitting position to let her head to fit into the crook of my neck.

 

 

“I’m afraid that I can’t kick their assess if they’re too tall like Joy. You know I am so tired now.”  She nestles against my neck.

 

 

 

Man, I love her so much. I wish I can explain how much I adore her while I was watching her tearing up his for me. 

 

 

Oh. The good things having her as my girlfriend. Totally priceless.

 

 

 

“Don’t worry. It’ll never happen. Let’s go home now.” 

 

 

“Irene ? Wendy ? Oh my god. It scared me for a second seeing those men.” When we are at the door, Seulgi pushes it open.

 

 

 

“And you’ve just found the suspects.” 

 

 

“H-hi, kkang sseul ~~” 

 

 

 

Seulgi frowns at the half-conscious silly-laughing Bae in my arms, “And you called me here to drive you guys home ?”  

 

 

“My friend, we both had some shots dealing with the clients. It’s illegal if we still drive.” 

 

 

 

Seulgi sighs and helps me to carry the drunken Bae to the car.

 

 

“Oh kkang sseul, your ears are so big and so cute…… Just like….. Just like….” Irene pouts a little.

 

 

 

“An elf.” I finish her sentence and earn a glare from my bear friend.

 

 

“Yes, an elf.” Irene claps and laughs. Just like a kid.

 

 

 

“I’m sorry, Seul. I don’t mean to disrupt your quality time with Joy but I really need the help.” I apologize from the backseat to my bear friend with elf’s ears who is now giving us a free ride home.

 

 

“It’s fine. Joy loves chicken as much as she loves me anyway. She's fine with that box of fried chicken at home.” 

 

 

 

“I would have called Hyejeong but I figure Seolhyun would be greatly upset with me…….  You’re my bestie. I-”  

 

 

“Bestie ? Ah, they are hot. Hot hot hot baby ~~~~ ” Irene mumbles and cuts off my speech.

 

 

 

“She’s so random.” Seulgi rolls her eyes. 

 

 

“Yes. She’s so random and I love this Bae more.” I pat her head which is resting on my lap.

 

 

 

I can't believe she's mine now.

 

 

I love every bit of Irene Bae Joohyun. Even when she's so byuntae, childish, random, unbelievable, bitchy, moody, cold and shy. I love her and I love the way she is.

 

 

 

Bae Irene, I love you and I can't stop thinking of you, and only you.

 

 

Are you thinking of me in your sleep ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I'm glad that I can made you guys smile or life your mood up a little with my words.

It's my biggest reward and motivation. Seriously.

xo