Taeyeon sat quietly on the couch. Her headache had gotten better. Her body was not as weak as before. The clouds in her brain had slowly faded away. She could think so much clearer. She turned the TV on then lowered its volume. The night was still young but Tiffany was nowhere near her sight. She might be in her room or somewhere. Taeyeon felt relieved somehow. She wasn’t confident to face Tiffany for the first time since she was fully sober.

“Hey, you’re awake?” The sudden greet startled Taeyeon. “I’m sorry! Was I too loud?”

“No, no. It’s fine. You’re fine. I – I’m good.” Taeyeon stuttered.

“Okay,” Tiffany stood there, no less awkward than Taeyeon. “Do you want something to eat?” She offered.

“No, I’m good,” she nodded. “Thanks.”

“Can I sit here?”

“Suit yourself,” Taeyeon replied without looking at her.

“Taeyeon-ah, can we talk?” Tiffany asked cautiously.

“About?”

“You.”

“What about me?” She switched one channel to another. Internally fret about whatever Tiffany wanted to talk about.

“Where were you when you weren’t here?” Tiffany started gently.

Taeyeon exhaled a breath slowly. “I was at a bar,” she said. Every cell in her body commanded her to stop, to walk away from Tiffany right that second because it won’t do her any good if she spoke further.

“Is everything okay?”

Taeyeon remained silent.

“You said you tried to do happy things, you kept saying sorry. I don’t – I don’t understand.”

Taeyeon tilted her head at the latter for a moment. “What else did I say?”

“Incoherent words. You were having a very bad dream.”

Taeyeon was beyond mentally exhausted. She didn’t really remember much of what happened, although she was kind of glad because of that. Taeyeon wanted Tiffany to stay. She wanted Tiffany to understand. There must be a way to tell Tiffany the story without mentioning how much it hurt her. But how? She wasn’t ready.

Taeyeon sighed heavily. “You’re right, Fany. You don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve you.” Taeyeon stated wearily. “I’ll tell mom and dad and your parents, you don’t have to put up with me any longer.”

“What do you mean?” Tiffany disliked the sound of it.

“I’m not good for you, Fany-ah.” Taeyeon rubbed her temple. “Just forget it okay? We’ll remain friends if you want.”

“I can decide for myself what’s good and what’s not for me.” Her tone increased by words.

“I’m a mess, Tiffany! Don’t you see it?!” Taeyeon provoked. “My life is a mess, I screw everything up! Why are you putting so much effort for this to work? I’m not the person you’d want to spend your life with!” She shouted. Tiffany winced watching the frustrated Taeyeon she had never seen before. “I was diagnosed with PTSD back then. You practically sit with a crazy person right now! Why don’t you just go?!”

Seeing Tiffany’s reaction, Taeyeon held herself back. She turned away and blew out some air to calm down. Her breath was raging. Her head was about to explode. Her chest constricted painfully tight. Nevertheless, she didn't want to scare Tiffany. If they were going to end it right now, at least she did in the right way.

“There are a thousand people out there who want to be with you, who can treat you better than I do. So go, go get that great life, I can’t take that away from you – just…” She gulped. “Don’t let me take that away from you.” Taeyeon faced Tiffany, her tone softened. “You’re all that I can’t have, Fany-ah.” She spoke broken-heartedly.

“Explain to me, Taeyeon. Make me understand why I should go.”

-----

“Shall we?”

She didn’t even know why she’s here, again, in this big, lovely space. Her head messed up so bad. It won’t stop buzzing. She had not slept in days. Every time she closed her eyes, her heart beat a little faster making her uneasy. She had tried to take some medicine to help her sleep at night, it worked, but she’d feel worse the morning after. Something in her brain refused to cooperate and determine to change her to a zombie or something.

“You can start from anywhere.”

Where? She had no idea. It was weird to be the one who was being questioned. Doctor Choi, her psychiatrist, was merely two years older than her. She knew him pretty well. So why can’t he just clear her up?

“How are you?”

“…”

“Anything you want to tell me?”

“…”

“What’s occupied your head the most?”   

“This.” She answered lowly. “Sitting in this room pressured me.”

“I will clear you–”

“When?” She looked up. “When will you clear me? I’ve been coming back here for two months, twice a week. You don’t make me feel any better – well, your drugs do. But this?” She shook her head. “This thing you called psychotherapy had done nothing but stressed me out. Why don’t you give us both a favor and get this over with? Give me more drugs and clear me already.”

“You know that’s not how it’s going to work, Taeyeon. You can’t depend on drugs forever. Your psy-”

“I’m tired of this bull.” She abruptly stood up. “Why should I talk to you?! You’re nothing to me! You know nothing about me! I need to cut and fix! That will help me through this mess!”

“I’m your doctor, Taeyeon.” He calmly replied. “I want to help you.”

She felt the familiar beat rushed through her body. She started shaking in anger. Something inside her head rang loudly. Her face turned red. The urge to hurt this guy before her was extremely hard to avoid.

“Take a seat, Taeyeon.” Doctor Choi didn’t move a muscle.

“I’m done here.” She grabbed her lab coat angrily.

“Taeyeon, we still have twenty minutes left.”  

“I’m done with you.” She stormed out the room before Doctor Choi could say anything.

Her temper became hard to control. At time like this, she had to stay away from people. The only thing that could help her was a punch bag. She visited gym frequently since she got back from the war. If it wasn’t for the security that asked her to leave, she wouldn’t. Her apartment scared her. If she could help it, she didn’t go home. Her parents and friends offered their place but she had had enough of lecture. Besides, she couldn’t bear the feeling of annoyance every time they gave her that certain sad look. She didn’t like people pitying her.

For two months, she had held back her frustration. For two months, she played this game. But this had to end. No one understood her better than herself. She knew what she needed.

“Doctor Park?”

The old man looked up from his reading. He lowered his glasses then closed his thick textbook. Kim Taeyeon was his golden student. He recognized gifted hands in her from the first time she walked into this very hospital years ago. He treasured her. She was his successor – he was sure of it.

Months ago, Kim Taeyeon sat across him in this office and asked for his approval to join the army medical team with Doctor Kim Heechul. He agreed, of course. He had served the army when he was young. As a surgeon, she had to get used to time, pressure and stress. He thought, what a better way to learn than go down to the field? Her time of serving would be added to the hours of training, too. She’d kill two birds with one stone.

As a teacher and a colleague, he’d never wish something bad to happen to her. Needless to say, he was shock when the chief of surgery notified him about the abduction. After weeks without news, he gave up on hope. He moved on with his life and tried to find someone to replace him later. It wasn’t easy, though. He had not seen anyone as good as Kim Taeyeon. He swore to himself, if Kim Taeyeon came back in any condition, he’d take her without a doubt. He’d help to fix her again.

“Yes, Doctor Kim?”   

“C – can you, please, ask the board to clear me?” Taeyeon was upset, he could tell.

“Taeyeon-ah–”

“That guy didn’t help at all.” Taeyeon ran her hand through her shoulder length hair. “I feel worse every time I see him.”

“This is procedure, Taeyeon. I’m afraid I–”

“This is expropriation of my intellectual rights!” Taeyeon shouted. “They shut me out from my element – from what I do best. They don’t even let me near any patient. They don’t let me learn anything.” She was sweating a lot. She was desperate and hopeless. No one was willing to help her. “Please, Doctor Park?”

Doctor Park sighed deeply. He was a man of his word. If only he had not said that promise before, he wouldn’t get into a big trouble. 

-----

“What happened then?” Tiffany shortened their distance. She was relieved Taeyeon managed to calm down. Because no mater how strong her external appearance was, she was a bit anxious inside.

“He permitted me to give a hand at the ER. No surgery yet, you know, baby steps. He only discussed it with the chief of surgery. The board didn’t have any idea. My fellow residents also kept silent about it. One day–” Taeyeon frowned then shook her head. “No, it was day one – I uh stepped into the ER feeling more alive than I had ever been. As usual, ER was packed. This man, he broke his arm by a motorcycle accident – his fault by the way, and he complained about the pain. His bone broke to pieces and the wound was open. We had done the initial treatment for him. For the love of god, the pain would not go away in the speed of light. I was helping other patients. He was screaming, swearing, trashing the bed and I…” Taeyeon swallowed the lump in forcefully as she held back her sadness. “Suddenly my anger rose up and I – I didn’t know what happened – how did it happen. The next thing I knew I got pulled out, people were shouting, and Doctor Park got a prohibition from the board.”

Tiffany moved closer then held Taeyeon’s hand. The latter flinched at the warmth. The feeling was odd but strangely comforting. Tiffany squeezed it softly, asking her to speak more.

“I beat him senselessly.” Taeyeon’s voice cracked in shame. “I put Doctor Park’s career in danger. I should’ve known better. I was unstable, I had potential to do harm.” Taeyeon choked back her tears. “I was lucky they didn’t revoke my license.” Taeyeon looked up to her with devastated eyes. “I quit, Tiffany. I can’t do this. It is for your own good.”

Taeyeon was so vulnerable and small. It was a figure Tiffany had never imagined before. Taeyeon’s annoying and arrogant behavior turned out to be a mask to hide her true self, to hide her sadness and pain.

“Why don’t you try with me? Give us a shot?” Tiffany said tenderly.

“Aren’t you afraid of me?”

“Why should I, Tae?”

“Did you hear what I say?”

“You were diagnosed with PTSD, so what? Why am I supposed to be afraid of you?”

“I’m not worth it, Tiffany. You don’t want to waste your time with me.” Her smile was full of hurt.

“Who says? I am the judge, aren’t I? It’s my choice and I want to try with you.”

“I’m not good for you, Fany-ah.” She chuckled bitterly.

“How good is good?”

Taeyeon stared questionably at her.

“You don’t get to define good when you don’t know good. You don’t know good if you don’t try to be good. All you have to do is say yes. And try, with me.”

-----

The beeping beneath her pillow was too loud for her liking. Taeyeon squinted her eyes to see who was texting her at this ungodly hour.

[From Soonkyu 7.09 a.m.] Are you coming to work today? Or should I inform your secretary you’re still running on a cold?

Cold? What cold? She didn’t catch a cold. Taeyeon was still in severe drowsy state to process whatever Sunny meant. She locked her phone as she tried to sleep again before a soft knock disturbed her.

“Taeyeon-ah? Are you awake yet?”

“Yeah,” the yawned betrayed her answer. “I mean, I am now. Why? What’s up?” She yawned again.

“You okay?”

“Yeah,” she rubbed her eyes. “No nightmare whatsoever.”

Tiffany knew Taeyeon didn’t have a nightmare. She talked incoherently in her sleep but it wasn't something harmful. Tiffany checked on Taeyeon every now and then last night. She slept on the couch just in case Taeyeon needed her for anything.

“I was just wondering if you want to stay home today or go to work?” Tiffany pushed the door wider.

“Why is everybody asking me this? What day is it today?”

“Tuesday.” She replied.

“Oh.” She stretched her arms. “Wait, so I didn’t go to work yesterday?!” She was fully awake when the realization hit her.

“Um, yes? But your friend said they’d inform the department that you’re down with a cold so you need to rest.” Tiffany explained.

“Huh?”

“They were here at the night you were… you know.”

“They were here?”

“Yeah,” Tiffany leaned by the doorframe. “I saw guilt in their eyes. Yuri kept mumbling it was her fault. I can’t help but hear it. Did something happen between you and them?”

“I don’t want to talk about it. Just let it go, okay?”

Tiffany perceived that Taeyeon was in too much pressure already. It wasn’t wise to push her limit right now. It’d only drive her away. “Okay, go take a shower. I’ll prepare our breakfast.” Tiffany pulled the doorknob to make her way out.

“Fany-ah?”