[CONTENTID2]Santa's Secret Workshop — Act Two [Final][/CONTENTID2][CONTENTID1]

A man, holding a phone, enters from the right. Halting at the center of the stage, directly beneath the spotlight, he releases a long sigh, before thumbing a dubious number into his phone.

The phone issues three very cheerful rings before...

HOLIDAY ANSWERING MACHINE Ho-ho-hoe, thank you for calling Santa's Secret Workshop, Taiwan Branch. Be aware, this call may be monitored or recorded for quality assurance and elf training purposes. Your call is important to us. Please listen carefully to the selections as our menu has recently undergone a change due to unforeseen mishaps version 3.06666666666. Menu. If you are experiencing severe allergic reactions to your Christmas gifts, please press one. If you are calling on behalf of hovering undies embroidered with the initials, K.S.C, please press two. If you are calling to report an out break of highly contagious sleigh rave, please press three. If you would like to adopt a rehabilitated elf, certified by the GSA, please press four. If you would like to submit a JJ and Cyndi fanfic for editing and publishing, please press five. If you would like to speak directly to a Holiday Representative, please press pound. If you would like to listen to the sel— Thank you for your patience. Please hold for the next available Holiday Representative.

Music on hold. Hipglitchbluesholidayclassics.

HOLIDAY REPRESENTATIVE Stuffin' stockings! The name's Jam Hsiao Kiss To Shut You Up. How may I be of stuffin' service today?

JUNSU Hi—

HOLIDAY REPRESENTATIVE Please hold, bro... while I hook you up with the department of 'Gettin' No Response from Santa.'

Music on hold. Futuremoddanceholidayclassics.

HOLIDAY REPRESENTATIVE Stuffin' stockings! The name's Jam Hsiao Kiss To Shut You Up. How may I be of stuffin' service today?

JUNSU You don't happen to be related to Elva Hsiao Shut Up And Kiss Me... Are you two related? I spoke to her the other day and she kept redirecting me to herself and—

HOLIDAY REPRESENTATIVE It's best to steer away from asking for personal details, bro. But... yes, she's my mitten stuffin' jie.

JUNSU Jie as in sister, right? I thought so... Look, Jam Hsiao Kiss Up And Shut Me—

HOLIDAY REPRESENTATIVE Jam Hsiao Kiss To Shut You Up.

JUNSU Right, right. Look, I don't want to be redirected anymore. I just need to know if my message to Taiwanese Santa arrived safely. I really need a response.

HOLIDAY REPRESENTATIVE Hmm... it ain't really my job to look into these things, but... since it's your b-day. I'll do it.

JUNSU (sighs in relief) Thank you!

HOLIDAY REPRESENTATIVE It'll just take a sec. Let me switch on the—

JUNSU Wait, don't—

Music on hold. Normalforonceholidayclassics.

HOLIDAY REPRESENTATIVE Bro? You still there?

JUNSU Yes.

HOLIDAY REPRESENTATIVE It says here your message was gobbled up by a hovering reindeer (hovering out of control). Poor Taiwanese Prancer... he ain't prancing no more because of you. You're lucking the GSA ain't suing your .

JUNSU So my message didn't get to Taiwanese Santa...

HOLIDAY REPRESENTATIVE Apparently not... unless you expect him to read Taiwanese Prancer's diarrhea.

JUNSU Should I just resend the message?

HOLIDAY REPRESENTATIVE The best way to reach him is through email. You got pen and paper?

JUNSU​ It's fine. I'll remember it. Ready when you are.

HOLIDAY REPRESENTATIVE You sure, bro? Because... aiight... if you say so. Taiwanese Santa's email address is: Santa with an extra 'h' at the end, underscore, underscore, made in Taiwan, underscore, Claus with an extra 'e' at the end, underscore, underscore, 3-0-6, underscore, these are all letters and numbers I'm going to read off, I-M-4-U-2-N-V-K-S-C, at Santa's Secret Workshop Taiwan Branch dot T-W-2. That's a number two after 'T' and 'W.' Got all that?

JUNSU Yes.

HOLIDAY REPRESENTATIVE Aiight, bro... aiight. Anything else I can stuffin' help you with today?

JUNSU No, I'm good, thanks.

HOLIDAY REPRESENTATIVE Have a stuffin' good holiday then, bro.

JUNSU Thanks. You, too.

After removing the phone from his ear, the man mouths inaudible words and rushes off the stage. The spotlight dims and the curtain falls.

[/CONTENTID1]