6.
"Go apologize to Jinki-hyung," Minho's firm tone reaches Jonghyun's ear, low and dangerous.

"Why should I?" Jonghyun stops in the hallway, hair wet and a towel hanging off his hips, fresh from the shower.

", Jong, why did you say that to-"

"Why shouldn't I?"

"You—" Minho doesn't continue, eyes darkening.

"Stop! Stop it, you two! What the is going on?!" Kibum appears next to them, breaking the argument and shoving them away from each other.

I'm afraid. "Nothing," Jonghyun hisses, straightening himself.

"Minho, go to Jinki-hyung's room. I made cupcakes and there's a box of chicken on the table. Give him that and maybe he'll stop crying," Kibum sends Minho away, and then turns to him. "And you, Kim Jonghyun – what were you thinking? Were you even thinking? What is your problem?"
I love you. That's my ing problem. "You. You guys are the problem. Can't we just be normal people living a normal lifestyle and dating the normal way?" Jonghyun half-yells, red and panting hard.

"Oh wow," Kibum laughs bitterly. "Well, excuse me, Mr. Normal. You're angry at your leader because he's loving?"

Jonghyun doesn't answer, because he can't.

"Take this, drink it, and cool off. Don't talk to us until you're okay," Kibum hands him a glass of orange juice and stalks off.
Jonghyun throws them all onto the floor and sprints into his room, slamming the door behind him. He hears the glass shattering against the hard floor, the cupcakes Kibum spent almost three hours on ruined and wasted, juice spilling out on the wood.

It's 15 minutes before Kibum begins picking up the broken glass.

(Jonghyun counted.)



7.
"Her name's Shin Sekyung," Jonghyun beams brightly at his parents. Beside him, a beautiful girl with a perfect face, shiny white teeth and a gorgeous body bows; the 'dream girl' he's been dating for almost two weeks now.
"Oh sweetheart, you're so beautiful!" his mother exclaims. From the corner of his eyes, Jonghyun sees his father examining his girlfriend, then nodding lightly and smiling at him.

(People say there are two kinds of tears – happy tears, and sad tears. The tears that prickled in the corner of his eyes that day, Jonghyun's sure, are the latter.)



8.
Sekyung's panting under him, her eyes clouded with lust as Jonghyun's lips trailed her jaw, and biting at the skin on her perfect neck. She moans and grips his chest firmly, whispering his name. He kisses her to stop her from talking (because her voice made him so uncomfortable). Her lips are so smooth (but too smooth, he almost couldn't taste her). Her scent is sweet (but too sweet, he felt nauseous). The hand that slipped under his shirt, brushing against his stomach was small and light (but it didn't feel right).
Jonghyun her and she moans harder, leaving long red nail marks on his back. He feels dizzy. 
He thinks he should ask kibum for some aspirin once he gets to the dorms.



9.
It's two in the morning when Jonghyun crawls into the dorm, using his instincts to walk down the dark hall and into his room without a sound. After showering (and making sure Sekyung's perfume was completely gone), he sneaks out to the kitchen for the aspirin he'd wanted when he sees his fellow bandmate at the dining table, pink apron wrapped perfectly around his body, a bowl of soup and kimchi laid out (as if it was waiting).
"Jong-ah, want some soup?" Kibum asks, long, milky (and manicured) fingers placed under his chin, a smile tugging at his lips.

"Why don't you stop?"

"What?"

Stop hurting yourself. "J-Just stop, damn it. I'm dating Sekyung now. Stop giving me all this attention, stop giving me that damn smile. , are you nuts?" Jonghyun snaps.

Kibum doesn't say a word when he gets up and washes his plastic spatula at the sink, but turns around to face Jonghyun anyway. "I've never asked you to love me back. Even if I know you love me," and he smiles, "it's okay that you don't want to admit it. I just want you to know that I love you. I don't want to die with regret from one silly, unrequited love."
Jonghyun sees that Kibum's eyes are glistening even through the dim light, sees the mixed emotions in them. They're deep and soft, yet brighter than any falling star he'd seen when he was seven and hanging off a rooftop with his rebellious schoolmate. Jonghyun's heart skipped a beat. (Or maybe two, or three.)
"Whatever," Jonghyun dismisses. Kibum smiles and unties his apron, draping it on the racks before leaving the room.

(Jonghyun's too distracted to realize there were tiny sobs echoing from the bathroom. Even half an hour later when he's on his way back to his room, he doesn't hear the cries grow louder, defeated, unstopping.)



10.
Kibum's feline eyes grow even bigger when he poses for the camera. He's flawless – soft brown hair, high cheekbones, milky skin, wearing a blue V-neck shirt with a white scarf, tight jeans encasing his perfect legs.

Stop staring, damn coordi-noona. No, don't stare at him.

The boy flashes a breathtaking smile. Perfect teeth, rosy pink cheeks.

, , . Stop staring, Kim Jonghyun.



11.
He's at the book store searching for something on music, when he sees a girl browsing through the novel section. It's Sekyung, he realizes. She's wearing a flu mask, but he knows it's her – her body language, her brown coat, her limited-edition white Prada bag with her initials on the chain, that puppy bracelet he'd bought her for Valentine's Day. She's chatting happily with another man, their arms linked. Jonghyun doesn't recognize the man who kissed her temple before they headed towards the cashier.
That night, his mother calls him. "Yeoboseyo? Yes mom, don't worry. Yeah, Sekyung and I are alright… as usual. Yes, I know. What? No, mom. Okay, yes, I know. Bye, mom."
He shuts the phone and collapses onto his bed, not sure of himself at all anymore.



12.
It's getting unbearable. Minho's still ice-cold to him; Jinki keeps smiling this scared, yet understanding smile that makes Jonghyun's stomach twist with guilt. Taemin throws him a glare the way an assassin sets eyes on a victim every time they see each other, muttering something about an idiot trying to be as irritating as possible for the people around him. Kibum still prepares midnight snacks for him every night in silence.

(Without make-up, Jonghyun can see ugly dark circles forming under Kibum's once-sparkling eyes.)



13.
Kibum loves experiments. He likes the exciting feeling when he combines an old T-shirt with some accessories here and there, mixing blue with purple and magenta. Adrenaline rushes through him for a moment before they form something new, something pretty. He likes sketching during his free time; sometimes he brings his work to his designer and waits nervously. Is it going to be good? Is it just going to end up like a mess?
He's always been the rational one in SHINee, but he likes trying. (Like how he's trying now, trying to play with his own heart, trying to see how much pain his heart can take. He doesn't know his limits and it's dangerous. He might end up dying, but who cares?)

Kibum's dangerous, like an experiment.


14.
Kibum's sitting on the edge of the couch, his knees under his chin. He's listening to the wind, listening to any movement from the front door, listening to his own racing heartbeat. Faintly, he hears someone opening a door, and frowns at the leader who's walking towards him.

"Hey, Kibum-ah," Jinki smiles sheepishly, rubbing his half-closed eyes, plopping down onto the cushions next to him.

"Hey hyung,why aren't you sleeping?"

"I'm not slee—" Jinki fights back a yawn and stops mid-sentence. "I'm not sleepy!"

Kibum snorts in disbelief, mildly amused, but shifts to make space for the leader without further protest.



15.
Kibum's counting. 
It's been 31 days, 14 hours and 5 minutes. (He hates math, but love gets him counting. They always said, love makes a man do crazy things, didn't they?)
He catches sight of a slight movement from the corner of his eye, tilts his head and sees a bird, with brown and white feathers. It's just landed on the edge of the dorm's window, chirruping and flapping its wings furiously. And then came another bird – this one black – beside the first one. All of a sudden, the first bird fell to the ground.
Shocked, Kibum jumps from his seat and flings the window open. Kibum watches the second bird fly away, until it becomes no more than a tiny dot in the clear sky. 
The first bird lay still on the ground, tiny eyes closed and both legs reaching towards the sky (hopelessly trying to reach it). Kibum notices blood streaming from its upper chest, staining the white feathers scarlet.
Kibum shivers and retreats when the wind becomes too cold for him to bear. He slides back onto the couch, settling down beside Jinki, whose hands find his in a reassuring, warm squeeze.
The image of the dead bird imprinted itself in Kibum's head.

Maybe it'll hurt less when it's over.



16.
Kibum's a crying mess, his thin arm clinging desperately onto the boy in front of him, hands fisted in his clothes, trying to pull him closer.
"I'm sorry… I'm so ing sorry," the other breathes between kisses. Their kisses were messy, almost desperate and just so wet. It's far from his imagination, not as romantic as he wants, but he couldn't ask for anything else. His knees are growing weaker, his chest so full he feels it might burst.
Kibum chokes and Jonghyun pulls away, fingertips trailing the edge of Kibum's cheekbone, erasing teartracks. He kisses each of the other's eyelids, then his forehead, then the tip of his nose, as if absorbing bits of the pain with each touch.

"Badass," Kibum hisses, when he remembers how to breathe again.

"I know, but this badass is yours," Jonghyun smiles.

Kibum sighs contentedly, burying his face in the crook of the other's neck, breathing in the scent, memorizing it. "-You're so cheesy. Why do I love you?"

Jonghyun hums. and his voice is hoarse. "I don't know. Tell me," he challenges.

Kibum doesn't answer, instead he whispers, "What about your family?" His grip tightens on Jonghyun's arm, trembling.

"Just let society itself so I can you."

Kibum sobs out a laugh.

"I can stand that, Jonghyun-ah."

---------