DRINK

“Do you ever look back?” Hongseok began, sitting himself on the swing in the playground of Jinhwan’s neighborhood, the very playground of their childhood. The place was essentially the same, but Jinhwan didn’t remember it being this dull and lifeless.

Jinhwan looked over the sandbox before he reluctantly followed Hongseok to the swings.

“Whenever I do, I still can’t quite believe how much things have changed,” Hongseok said with a sad smile on his face.

Jinhwan sighed, not seeing the point in looking back. Those days were gone, but if memories were there to look back to, he wished he wouldn’t remember any of these past few months.

“Do you remember not uttering a word a few months ago since you got so depressed?”

Jinhwan didn’t remember, but he didn’t ask, because if it was about something that got him that depressed, then he’d really rather not remember.

“Hanbin has been with you through hard times like that. Like I have been.” Hongseok paused to look at Jinhwan, whose eyes were fixed on the ground. There was a lilt to his voice when he spoke again. “I’m not saying you owe us—me—anything. It’s just that, you had us then, and you still have us now. We had you then too, but now…” Hongseok trailed off, and swallowed the lump in his throat. “So much has changed in such a short time, it’s unbelievable. What even happened to us?” Hongseok put his head down, and Jinhwan turned to him, clutching the swing chain with his hand. He bet it would smell all rusty later.

It never occurred to Jinhwan that he would hurt his friends this way. It never even occurred to him that he would hurt his friends. All he thought he was doing was push people away from him so that they’d have less to worry about. He didn’t realize that no matter how much distance he put between him and his friends, it wouldn’t matter, since his friends cared enough to close that distance…they cared enough to still worry about him even through that distance. And here he thought he was doing it for them. Hah. In the end, all he cared about was himself. In the end, he was just like Hanbin.

Jinhwan sighed. “I want to go home,” he said to himself, face towards the unforgivingly dark sky.

Jinhwan’s words were so out of place that Hongseok looked up at him, his eyes still shiny.

“These days, I keep on thinking that. I keep on wanting to go home.” It was an inward thought, and it still sounded like one. It sounded like something he would tell himself in his head and not anyone else. Not like this, not out loud. But Hongseok deserved to know. He wanted Hongseok to know that it’s not you, it’s me. It’s always me.

“I don’t have anything to do at home, though, so something must be really wrong with me.” Jinhwan met Hongseok’s gaze, an out-of-place smile on his face. Hongseok’s eyebrows were furrowed on his forehead.

“Seok-ah, I’m not even going to my grandparents’,” Jinhwan admitted and watched as surprise colored Hongseok’s features. “I just didn’t want to see you. But to put it more truthfully, I just didn’t want you to see me. Not like this.” He looked at himself. “You know I don’t like it when you worry about me. You’ve done too much of that these past few months, too.”

Hongseok pursed his lips in a tight line. “I can’t not worry about you,” Hongseok said, huffing a puff of air like it’s ridiculous for Jinhwan to even suggest it. “You’re my best friend. And look at you! How can I not worry when you look like that?”

“Exactly.” Jinhwan stood up. “Just pretend I’ll be at my grandparents’. I’ll eat and sleep well, I promise. I’ll live well until I supposedly get back, until we meet again.”

“That sounds a lot like goodbye. You’re being unfair.”

Jinhwan smiled while pretending he didn’t notice the downward pull of the corners of Hongseok’s mouth. “It is goodbye. Just give me this one, okay? I just don’t want to have to worry about you worrying about me.”

“At least keep in touch, then.”

“I will.” And, at that, Jinhwan began walking away. “I’ve got bags to pack!”

Jinhwan lost the spring to his step and the smile on his face when he was sure he was out of Hongseok’s sight. And for the hundredth time, he couldn’t fathom the need to pretend, the need to put up a front. Jinhwan was only ever himself when he was truly alone, but the weird thing is, he was also truly alone even with June to accompany him.

He imagined June walking with him, and he imagined it would be easy. He wouldn’t need to put up walls so June wouldn’t need to try to break them down. There was nothing Jinhwan needed to do. June just had to be around.

His footsteps halted at one thought: But June isn’t around. And Jinhwan didn’t need to look around him to confirm that.

Jinhwan had long lost count of his footsteps and how many weeks it’s been since he’d last seen June (a recurring thought) when it dawned on him that he was already home. Lost in his head, he didn’t even recall climbing up the stairs to his bedroom until he found someone comfortably seated on his bed.

The man blew clouds of smoke into the air and whipped his head to face Jinhwan when the latter closed the door shut. In Jinhwan’s head, the silhouette was a splitting image of someone he once knew, and his jaw dropped when he found out that it was someone he never expected to be there instead. It was Mino. “What—How did you even get here?”

Mino’s gaze was pointed when he let it fall on Jinhwan. “What do you think you’re doing?” He questioned, not bothering to supply Jinhwan’s inquisition with a reply.

Jinhwan’s brows furrowed in confusion. He felt himself holding his breath the moment Mino stood up. Mino walked towards him, and he made the experience almost unbearable with every slow step he took.

He backed up, but there was nowhere else to go…although he himself didn’t understand the need to escape from there. This was his room after all. This is the place where he was guaranteed to feel safe…Or so he thought, because that couldn’t be the case with Mino around.

Mino mirrored the confused look on Jinhwan’s face, and for a second, Jinhwan almost believed him.

“Did no one teach you to be grateful?”

Jinhwan took a step back and he felt the moment his back hit the door. “W-what do you mean?”

Mino only stopped once Jinhwan was just a few inches away. He now wore a smirk so devilish you’d think he was about to offer Jinhwan a motorcycle ride to hell. “Why haven’t you left your friends yet?”

“Why should I?” Jinhwan once again feigned brevity. It was all he could do, anyway, what with the crippling fear inside him that made him want to curl up in his bed.

Mino scoffed, and took a long drag, eager to make Jinhwan wait. In return, Jinhwan waited on the answer with bated breath, only it came as smoke that Mino blew out onto his face. Jinhwan couldn’t ready himself and took a breath when Mino let go of his. Jinhwan’s chest constricted as he bent down, and it was all he could do not to have a coughing fit right there and then.

Mino straightened him up and smiled at him as if he could picture Jinhwan’s veins popping up even in that darkness. His breath smelled like nicotine when he spoke again.

“Because you make your friends suffer. Because we took you under our wing and made life easier for you and your precious friends. Isn’t t