Mortification

The slight smile on Hanbin’s face was peaceful, as though painted on by a delicate hand, his breathing shallow as he lied on the bed in his sleep. The lamp on the side table casted a warm glow on his face, and as Jinhwan sat on the desk just beside the bed, bent over a piece of paper and holding a pen in his hand, he watched.

Words often failed him, but they didn’t as much, as long as they were written, and here Jinhwan conjured up sentences at the sight of Hanbin. It was much easier this way. He wouldn’t have to make conversation, and still be able to say goodbye.

Hanbin was so easy to love, and himself so difficult, so while his feelings were contained and his decision rather firm, he wrote the words down: words of gratefulness, of forgiveness and asking for it too, words of reassurance, that he wouldn’t abandon Hanbin like most of the people around him had. He didn’t say ‘I love you’ though, even if he’d mean it. If he did that, it would just complicate things. Hanbin would ask questions, would dare walk the possibilities of them getting back together, and Jinhwan didn’t want that. He wanted to keep his feelings tucked clean, lock them away and throw the key. Letting go was a form of love as well, and Hanbin would understand that.

“Did you go home last night? It was already late when I left you.” Hongseok looked up from his meal, the question directed to Jinhwan.

The shortest of them shook his head, “I slipped out early this morning though.”

“Did you do something together?” Yunhyeong peered in as he wryly suggested.

“Look how happy they both look. They probably just made out!” Jiwon said.

“The word is ‘made up’, hyung,” Hanbin corrected him. “And we’re fine now.” He turned to Jinhwan then, “We’re friends, right?”

Jinhwan nodded and gave him a smile.

The change was immediate, Jinhwan decided then, when Hanbin looked well rested and he had this bright smile on his face directed to everyone and no one in particular. Jinhwan was relieved by this, felt the guilt wash off and it was such a light feeling.

It was a surprise that Hanbin accepted his decision just like that and didn’t put up a fight. He was the kind of person who stood by his beliefs, although he hadn’t been doing that lately. Jinhwan still couldn’t be sure. Maybe conversation was inevitable.

“But that goes against everything I’ve been taught. Ex-lovers can’t be friends,” Jiwon said, looking dead set with his opinion as he looked at Hanbin and Jinhwan back and forth.

Hanbin just shrugged and Jinhwan made the mistake of looking away, gaze landing on his best friend who was looking at him doubtfully and it made Jinhwan feel like Hongseok didn’t trust his judgment.

It made questions pop up in Jinhwan’s head, and he was once again unsure. Was he doing the right thing? He couldn’t be indecisive all the time! He had already acted upon his decisions. Never was a good time to step back. He should be nothing but firm this time.

Jinhwan excused himself as he stood from his seat. He needed to think.

“You haven’t even touched your food,” Hanbin told him, rushed.

“I don’t feel like eating.” That had been, more often than not, the case these past few days. He began walking towards the washroom, leaving his friends to look after his shrinking figure.

Hanbin rolled his eyes at Jiwon and he ran after Jinhwan.

Jinhwan stared at the mirror, but not at his reflection. He stared at the glass in between his eyes just because.

His mind was suddenly utterly blank, and he should be grateful for that but he hated himself for being so damn indecisive and settling nothing, for having a clutter as an excuse for a brain. He hated it all.

“Liking what you see?” It was Hanbin leaning against the doorframe, Jinhwan saw from the mirror. He said, accompanying the words with a lopsided smile.

Jinhwan shook his head.

A mix of disbelief and fondness washed over Ha