A/N: While writing this, I listened to Bad-Tablo, give it a listen! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XssY0M4Hy8c

"Atrocious. Love is atrocious.
You were the very reason I breathe for, but now you're suffocating me.
Love is so bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.
Love only gets worse as you dig deeper.
Love is so bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.
Love only pains as you learn about it.
More you know, worse you become."

Freshman year. College.

Was I excited? Maybe.

Worried? You bet.

Happy? In ways.

Sad? Definitely.

My homeroom teacher called the names from the attendance sheet. New names, fresh and exulgent in nature were heard, as well as names I had already heard-somewhat taking the role of music in my ears-I looked around the room, gaining little amounts of comfort inadequate in calming the tumultous beats of my heart through the sparce familiar faces I knew.

New year. New opportunities, New way of life.  At least, that's what all the support books said.  But there was still something in me that offered no comfort but pain. And that pain lied in the absence of the name Taemin. Four years apart still proved to be too short in having the pain diminish from the last time.

__________________________

Sixth grade.  He was in my homeroom class, silent and mysterious at his table across from mine.  His ways intrigued me, as do all mysterious fresh faces on days of school orientation.

On the second day of school, during I.D. picture taking, he absolutely refused to smile for the photographer.  His eerie ways caused an ominous chill to run through my spine standing in line after him, watching him while waiting for my turn. 

Within the next couple of months I was able to break down the creepy image of this boy and instead turned him into the mischievous, caring, and clumsy best guy friend I had. He was my Tae and I was his Nana and I was there for him just as much as he was there for me.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Next comes seventh grade. Older, wiser, more experienced, and no longer the desolute guppies swimming in a sea of elders. Not the youngest in the school and more knowledgable than before, seventh grade was a year for me to reach out.  I learned many things: To break out of my shell of personal fears and confidence issues and to speak to others and to gain more friends- which I eventually did.  By the end of 6th grade, all I could truly call my 'best' friend was Taemin.  I had made friends, yes. But none good enough that I felt completely comfortable with to confide in and to run to.

The whole year flew by quickly and somehow by the end, I had scavenged more good friends and so did he. I had a girl friend to run to, Minah,  and several other guy friends that offerred additional accompaniment besides Taemin. Taemin was still my best friend, but it was as if the circle opened up just a tad bit more around us two.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

At last came eighth grade.  On 8th grade orientation my little friendship 'circle' naturally compared class schedules. I had virtually identical schedules with the two guy friends I made in 7th grade but had only two classes with Taemin who had a virtually identical schedule with Minah. I sighed on the inside, knowing that in the deluded world of adolescents it naturally came to be that your closest friends were the ones you were with most often. 

My prediction showed to be true and by the end of the year Taemin and I were not as close as what we used to be.  We were extremely distant and it was of utmost awkwardness to approach him and drone on and on to spazz about DBSK or to rage and rant about school and family issues.  I still cared for him but there was this invisible barrier stopping me from maintaining the relationship we had before.  Seeing him laugh with other girls didn't bother me as much as it did this year.  Seeing him happy still brought me joy, but knowing that I wasn't the one bringing his smiles hurt me in ways undescribable.

With one month of school left, Minah came running up to me in the school library gushing over Taemin and asking for help in getting him to like her back.

My heart stopped. My body once again experienced terrifying chills and my vision blurred for a second or two.  I gained composure and asked her how she wanted me to help.

At that very moment I didn't know whether or not it if it was just shock I felt that caused my heart to undergo pain, but before going to sleep that day I realized it was something else.  It was jealousy.  

News quickly spread of Minah and Taemin's love line, gaining much support from nearly everyone in our grade.  She was extremely pretty and nice, and he was gorgeous and talented, indeed a match made in heaven.

Taemin spoke no word of this ongoing shipping between himself and Minah to me, I figured he enjoyed it and left their relationship alone.

I left it very much alone that I, myself,  turned out to be alone. I wanted to avoid all signs of the two. I wanted to run away.  I wanted to be away from all encouragement for the two. I wanted to breathe. It was then that I realized I liked Taemin.  That I really, really liked Taemin.  Maybe you could even consider it love, but my feelings for Taemin were insane. Waiting until jealousy to realize how much someone means to me proved to be my only regret.

But his happiness was my joy so I let him be. I successfully left my circle of friends and focused on graduating middle school with good grades instead of worrying about my social life.

Up until the day of promotion dance the two played cat and dog, hard to get, rejection and friend-zoning,  until the last slow dance of our 8th grade life.  Taemin asked her to dance. I watched the two from far away, gliding gracefully along the floor, her hair silkier and more water-like than mine could ever be whisking around the dance floor with her perfect dress greeting the onlookers of the art in motion.  Taemin made for her perfect dance partner, strongly guiding her body around with expertise and bravery, the two looked amazing.

It was then that I started crying. The emotions running through me were too powerful to contain.  I ran out of the ballroom immediately to go home and sleep away the tears.  

The two were officially a couple now.  Taemin played no more of his avoiding game and succumbed to Minah. They walked hand in hand on the last day of school all smiles and excited for the best summer of their lives. Something was off with his smile though, something only a best friend could tell.

Still being an important part of my life I handed both Taemin and Minah a farewell letter I had written up, seeing as they would be going to high schools separate than me.  Minah's letter was full of cliche gratuity and good lucks and Taemin's something much more heart-felt.

I wrote to him: 

Dear Lee Taemin,

Thank you. If words could summarize how thankful I am for your presence in my life I would use them at this moment, but seeing as if words can't, I can't either.  You have been there for me in the worst of times and even though things have differed between us, I hope you know that I'm here for you always. I will never know what I mean to you, and you probably mean more to me than what I mean to you now, but thank you. Good luck with Minah and I wish for the best  in high school and beyond.

Love,

Hana.

I broke down while writing this letter to him the night of the dance before falling asleep, it made me realize that middle school was somewhat of a competition.  A competition to see who could express their emotions quicker and better, and that I had won second place.

The rank full of regret.  The rank that teases you about every mistake you've ever made in life.

The rank that taunts you daily, reminding you that you were so close to being first, and if only you hadn't made that one mistake, that one simple action, that one momentary slip of mind, you could be number one.

The ranking that hurts most.

I gave the letter to him just as the bell dismissed us for summer vacation, and just as we embarked on a new life.

As I walked out of the school gates I converted all the jealousy, sadness, and pain into anger.

The professor finished calling attendance as I got acquainted with the new classmates sitting in my proximity. 

As I was digging around in my bag, I found a pencil that Taemin had once given me during seventh grade. The jealousy and pain shot through me before the anger came again. I took the pencil and threw it away in the trash can as I left to go to my second class.

The next week of school was fine, everything had gone smoothly until Wednesday afternoon when I saw Minah and Taemin together at the local mall. He was still beautiful, so was she, and the ever occuring pain was felt in my heart.

I tried avoiding them but faith still allowed us four to see each other.

His arm was around her waist.

Her arm around his.

His other arm resting on her stomach.

Her stomach carrying their soon-to-be baby boy as I later discovered through the small talk that we had.

It was at the moment of which they were preparing to leave and that Taemin looked into my eyes that I broke down. I couldn't handle it anymore. My tears started clouding my eyes and I ran far away, out of the mall, out of sight, out of mind, anywhere away from Taemin and Minah, anywhere away from my newly appointed 'godson.'

Everything was painful, everything hurt, I was no longer in control of my actions. I kept running. Where? I don't know. I just kept running. Both the sweat and my tears clouded my vision, upon which was joined with my blood several car beeps and bright flashes of light later.

_________________________

That day, another ominous chill went down someone's spine-Taemin's. Whilst watching television he saw the breaking news of a 19 year old girl killed in a freak car accident and immediately knew it was no other than his very own Nana.

He visited her grave several times that week, dropping a flood of tears every time.

During one of those visits he dropped a letter for Hana that had been carrying around for years since the night of their 8th grade promotion dance. It read:

To Nana,

I love you. You mean the absolute world to me and beyond. I miss the Hana and Taemin of 6th and 7th grade.  Where have you been? I miss you, and now we're going to separate high schools. I'm guessing you support me and Minah, right, Hana? But Hana, the thing is, I really hope you didn't. I was waiting for you this whole school year to say something, to let me know how much of a mistake it is for Minah to like me because really, Hana, I like you. I always have.

There's nothing I craved more since the first day of meeting you to tell you how much I wanted to be yours, to be your everything, to be your number 1. Two things stoppped me from doing this however, our friendship and the chance that something would go wrong if I confessed and seeing your happiness even without me by your side. But I won't stop you from living a life without me, you seem better that way. And when you're happy, I'm happy. I really wish I was there by your side this past month. I wish the evils of time let us, for the last 30 days of the remaining school year, actually be together. If it did, it would have translated to bigger and better things for us. But what's past is past. 

Thank you for everything Hana. 

Love,

Taemin.

"Love is a sickness, can I get a witness?"

A/N: 

Be brave, you never know what good comes out of a little bit of courageousness.

Let your emotions out and don't keep them bottled up, you can even run to me if ever! I'm here to listen xD

P.S. Comments are love, i need them to know how i can grow better as a writer! 

Also, edited on 6/30/13. Not updated.