A L O N E

The rooftop.

It was one of the places in school that I often go to because it’s quiet and no one really stays there. It was my safe haven. I went there one day because I wanted to stay away from the noise in the hallway. I was surprised when I saw a girl behind me, a girl I didn’t know. She was smiling shyly with her hands behind her back.

“Hi.” She said but I ignored her and sat at one of the benches, she followed me though and my eyebrows furrowed. I stayed silent with her seating at the end of the bench.

“Aren’t you tired of being alone?” She asked. Six words. How powerful those six words were and I found myself thinking about it over and over again. Am I tired of being alone? Maybe, but I can’t tell.

“Why are you even asking?” I replied. I looked at her but she was staring straight ahead so I did the same.

“Well, I know you’re popular and all but often times I see you alone. So aren’t you tired? And why aren’t you hanging out with your friends?” She asked. I didn’t answer her because I myself doesn’t know the real answer to her question. Why do I like to be alone? Honestly, if I have an answer it’s either I can’t remember or I’m trying not to remember. Maybe because there’s a missing piece of me that I wanted to find. I don’t know.

The garden.

Surprisingly, I became close to Jisoo. We always hangout and somehow, the garden became our safe haven. It’s where we often meet because she told me the rooftop is only for people who wants to end their life, it’s something that I didn’t really understand at first but I went with it though.

She was different, well at least to me. She was the only girl who ever bothered talking to me, telling me stories while I would listen. She never grew tired of telling me how her day went even though most of the time I would ignore her but gradually, I found myself listening to her, expecting those amusing stories, waiting for her to start. Somehow, I ended up doing the same.

She was the only girl who tried to get to know me. The real Jiwon and not Bobby whom everyone knows.

“So tell me about yourself?” She asked. We were in the garden and classes had just finished. She doesn’t want to go home yet so she dragged me to go with her.

“I’m Bobby, one of the “popular” guys in school…”

“No, not that. Not Bobby. I want to know Jiwon, who is he?” She said while looking at me intently.

“What is there to know about him?” I asked and she gave me a look.

“C’mon. Tell me.” She said.

“Fine.”

“Kim Jiwon. How do I start… he’s a guy who likes to rap…” I started. I didn’t know what to say that time because I felt like who I am that time wasn’t really who I am and so I told her about myself like I’m another person and not Jiwon.

“He’s a guy who likes to make people happy, he was the mood maker. His most treasured thing was his Winnie the pooh stuffed toy that he owns ever since he was young. He doesn’t like seeing people sad but somehow, along the way, he changed. He isn’t smiling the way he used to, he isn’t interacting with his friends the way he used to before…” I trailed off.

She was the only girl who opened my heart and showed me the good things in life.

After a long time, I found myself falling in love again. I thought I wouldn’t be able to find someone who would understand and love me the way I am but she did. We became lovers after a few months and I told myself I would take care of her and would always be by her side. I came back to my old self. Jiwon not Bobby. She taught me well and I loved her, I really did. We would always be together, going on dates, spending monthsaries and anniversaries.

But everyone messes up once in a while and I did. I let go of her because I was scared. I was scared something bad would happen and I wouldn’t be able to do anything about it so I let her go. In the end I became a coward, I didn’t stood up for her, I didn’t fight for her because I’m scared that everything would rewind and the same thing will happen to her.

F L A S H B A C K

20^th of October, 2012

“Suhyun.” I called, slowly entering her apartment. Suhyun asked me to go to her apartment so we can catch up with each other. I bought flowers and a cake since it was also our monthsary, we just didn’t put an effort since we were busy and we both understood.

When I arrived however I was surprised to see her front door was open and her apartment was messy. I became nervous, Suhyun lives alone. I always tell her that I’m willing to stay with her every night but she insisted she was okay so I always ended up going home and leaving her alone. I always tell her to make sure that the doors are locked and she would always assure me that she always did. But this time, it feels different. The living room was messy and there were shards of broken glass. I immediately went to her room and found her lying unconsciously in the floor with a pool of blood.

I was terrified. I immediately went to her side and tried to wake her up but it was too late, she wasn’t responding, her pulse weak. I saw a note on her bedside table and I was angry at myself because I wasn’t able to protect her. I wasn’t able to protect her to the guys who always messes up with me and the gang.

I tried to get her to the hospital but no such luck, it was already too late. Her family blamed me for what happened, I blamed myself too. I love Suhyun, I really do but I wasn’t able to protect her enough. Every day, I blamed myself for what happened to the point where I push everyone away, even the closest friends whom I treat like brothers. So I told myself that I would never fall in love again but if I did, it will take time and I’ll make sure what happened to Suhyun wouldn’t happen again.

E N D  O F  F L A S H B A C K

In our last year of college, I let go of the only person who loved me for who I really am. It was wrong, I know but I couldn’t afford to risk her life so I settled with breaking her heart instead because I know it will heal and someday she’ll find someone who’ll love her more than I did.

I let go of the only person who put in so much effort just to get close to me. Hanbin once told me, she’s a keeper and I agreed. She was different, she’s not the type of girl who only cares about how she looks. She’s the kind of girl who goes out even if she’s only on her pj’s and that’s how carefree she is and I like that about her because she doesn’t care what people think of her. She tries harder than anyone could and maybe that’s one of the reasons why I fell in love with her.

I let go of the person I would want to spend forever with. I thought about proposing, honestly. But things started getting complicated. We weren’t popular for no apparent reason, our group was popular because we were a gang and being in a gang always involve fights including them trying to hurt our loved ones. So I let go of her even if she’s someone I want to spend forever with. It hurts to let her go but I’ll live.

After five years, I came back to the old Bobby. The one who’s always in the rooftop, away from the crowd. I became silent, pushing everyone away from me to the point that even Hanbin and Jinhwan aren’t talking to me the same way they used to. I changed and I don’t even know if it’s a good thing.

Seeing her again, in a coffee shop where we used to go to… I was shocked. I went to a local coffee shop that Jisoo and I used to go to. I don’t really want to bring back the old memories but I was craving for a coffee and the coffee shop happens to sell the best I’ve tasted yet. I saw her looking up on the menu board and I was stunned. I didn’t know what to do, I only stared. She turned to her right and saw me staring at her. It was as if time stopped, she was still beautiful and she didn’t change. I could tell she was shocked too but she was quick to hide it and smiled at me. She asked me if we could talk and I agreed. She didn’t change, she was still straightforward.

She asked me again, “Aren’t you tired of being alone?” Once again with those six powerful words, I found myself thinking about it over and over again. I guess I never realized what the answer to her question is.

Way back in college, I didn’t have an answer because I didn’t picture myself with someone whom I want to spend forever with. I never wanted to fall in love again but somehow, it happened. Fortunately or unfortunately, cupid picked me and struck an arrow.

But seeing her again brings back too memories. Too many, it hurts. I almost wanted to stand up and leave but it would be rude so I waited. I guess I never really moved on from the pain of leaving her and it hurts because she looked like she already moved on. Five years and here I am, wanting to take her back in my life but I guess it’s too late.

And seeing a wedding ring on her ring finger, knowing I wouldn’t be able to get her back in my life. I waited for her to be the first one to leave and when she did, I let the tears fall. The tears that I’ve been holding in for a while. It was always too late and I always never get the chance to do things right. I guess I deserve it and now I know the answer.

Am I tired of being alone?

Yes I am.

I want to make things right, I want to go back, back to the old Jiwon. The Jiwon who’s always smiling, setting up a good atmosphere, helping out. And maybe if I find someone again, I’ll make sure I’ll treat her and I’ll love her better. I’m ready to start over again, for the better and maybe even for the best.

honestly, I don't know if this is considered a sequel because I just literally elaborated every line in the oneshot and I don't know if I've explained or you get the flashback well. I wasn't supposed to do this and post this today but it was an exhausting day for me and I needed to do something to keep me busy.

btw you don't really need to read this...

12. 01. 16

I just lost a friend this afternoon and I still can't believe it. I cried back in the hospital and then I stopped, I don't know really, maybe because it hasn't sync-ed in my brain that she's gone and I'm never gonna see her again. It hurts because she was a good person, she handles criticisms well and she was a great motivator. When I got home and opened facebook, I read all of her friends and family's messages on her wall and that's when it finally hit me. I cried hard that my brother was only looking at me and he doesn't know what to do. She was a good friend and I kept on thinking that it's so unfair how someone as good as her would be the first one to leave. Even now, I still can't believe it. I actually worry what would happen when I go to school tomorrow. Will I cry again once I see my friends? I don't know. I'm sorry if I'm ranting about this here but I just wanted to let it out because it hurts so much, everything happened so fast. She got into an accident last saturday and she was in coma. I wasn't even able to look at her for the last time because when I got inside her room she was already covered with a blanket. I just realized how it's so hard to lose someone. I still can't believe it and I don't know what to do.

To Aaliyah:

Hi, I hope you're happy wherever you are. Medyo ang daya kasi ang bilis mong nawala. I'm sorry I wasn't able to attend to your birthday. I actually regret not going. Dapat nga ine-nail art pa kita diba? Last year mo pa ata sinasabi yun everytime na mag po-post ako sa ig ng nail art, gusto mo gawin ko sa nails mo yun kaso kasi we're both busy :( Dapat nga magiging ambassaddress ka pa diba? dream mo yun eh kaya ka nag IS. Nakakagulat kasi ang bilis ng mga pangyayari but I hope you're okay. After crying at home akala ko okay na, na nalabas ko na lahat pero di pa pala. You know I feel empty, I don't even know if telling you everything here is a good thing. Everytime we talk about how good you are and the moments we spend together, it feels empty siguro kasi feeling ko you're still here with us and maybe because even though I know you're gone, I haven't fully grasped the idea that I'm never going to see you again kaya earlier today (dec.3) when the chapel held a mass for you, unang kita ko palang ng picture mo sa ppt naiyak na ko kasi ang sakit, sobrang sakit. Actually buong mass yata umiiyak ako eh kasi I still can't believe that you're gone. Ang sakit Yra, sobra but I understand. You've done your mission here and it's time for you to be with God. Thank you and I'm sorry for everything. I know no one from school will be able to read this but I know/hope somehow you might be reading this. I don't know.  I'll miss you... no, we'll miss you, actually I already miss you. I love you Aaliyah <3, I hope I was able to say that to you in person. Rest in peace girl, you will always be remembered.

-Ella

I'm sorry but I really am in pain right now.

Heaven gained a new angel.