captain’s log / 020115

Jinhwan pauses at the doorway, peering at the boy’s hunched frame as he placed his items gently into his haversack. He blinks at the manner in which the plain black tee clings onto the younger boy’s thin frame snugly with space to spare, and how his hair peeks out from beneath his white cap. A pair of black jeans hangs onto his legs closely and a red-checkered shirt twirls around his waist. With careful steps, Jinhwan makes his way towards the boy and stops in front of the bed. He glances over at the notebook lying on the bedside table and frowns at the manner in which a pencil is stuck in between two pages. It’s uncommon to see this boy stopping if he was in the midst of writing. With the frown deeply imprinted on his forehead, he peels the clipboard away from his chest and places it on the table.

“Seems like I won’t be using this clipboard in awhile.” Jinhwan smiles faintly as Hanbin turns over to meet his gaze, and its only then when Jinhwan notices how tall this boy is. Scrunching his nose up slightly, he groans internally about how he practically towers over him.

“I guess so.” Hanbin returns the grin, adding a soft chuckle behind it.

“Going home?” Jinhwan’s question makes Hanbin’s actions come to a halt and the mug in his hand drops onto the bed with a soft thud.

“Probably not.”

“Why?”

“Not welcomed,” Hanbin regains his composure and places the mug into his bag before zipping it with one swift motion, “Mom called earlier today, she’s planning to bring my sister overseas with her.”

“Overseas?”

“Dad left a week after I got hospitalized claiming that he couldn’t stand a family with a lunatic of a wife and son, and a mute as a daughter,” Hanbin’s fists clench at the mention of his sister, “Apparently I remind my mother of him to a large extent, beginning from how I’m a man to how I act. It disgusts me at times, to think that I’m in multiple ways similar to that man.”

“Oh.” Jinhwan can only mutter as the creases deepen.

“I was supposed to grin and say that I was ready to be set free into the dangerous city,” Hanbin chuckles quietly before bringing the haversack back up to his shoulder, “I’m sorry that I spoilt it.”

At this point, Jinhwan doesn’t speak but simply sighs and shakes his head – he doesn’t understand why this boy is always this raw and genuine, apologizing for things that weren’t his fault or within his control to begin with. Quietly, he follows the boy’s footsteps which leads them to the counter where he gets his documents signed and all – and as he leans over the counter with the icy surface of the metal pen against his sweaty palms, Jinhwan leans on the wall facing the counter, gaining odd glances from the nurse behind the counter. He occasionally meets her eyes, and Jin understands his melancholy because she knows how attached he is to this boy – with the exception of their episodes over the last two nights. Sighing, she returns the forms to Hanbin quietly and wishes him all the best before shooting a worried look over to Jinhwan.

“Where are you going to stay then?” Jinhwan steps forward and asks as he tries his best to keep the light from the messy constellations of his thoughts away from shining through his minute movements ranging from how he clenches his fists to resist the urge to peel at his dry lips, to the twitching in his cheeks as he forces a smile.

“I don’t know. Maybe I’ll go down to the underground pathways and find a little spot- get some cardboard and lie there.”

“Really?”

“Kidding.” Hanbin attempts to lift the mood and laughs, but he’s aware of how Jinhwan’s lips never curled and he notices his signs of anxiety. Breathing in heavily, he catches Jinhwan’s worried gaze and shrugs.

“Well then, would my apartment work?” Jinhwan stammers after a few moments of silence, “I mean its just temporary, like you can stay there since my sister isn’t staying with me anymore and its pretty empty.”

A cheeky smile flashes across the younger boy’s face and Jinhwan knows what’s on his mind.

“No, you’re just staying temporarily until we settle your family issues. That doesn’t mean anything.” Jinhwan feels his cheeks heating up subtly and turns away, coughing.

“Fine, I take your offer.”

“Hang around the lounge till six, and I’ll bring you along when I’m done with my work for today.”

“Can’t I wait in your office or something?”

“No. Stay.” Jinhwan stifles his laughter as Hanbin, who overgrew him by more than ten centimetres stood before him sulking like a little kid before turning back to walk towards his office. Perhaps he had a reason to return home tonight, for once. Turning back, he watches the younger boy settle onto one of the leathered seats as he reaches into his bag to retrieve his phone. Tilting it to its side, he then begins to punch at the screen – he’s still eighteen, of course.

-

His office doesn’t feel quite the same, without the pile of notes stacked on the right corner of his desk. Jin is a really quick assistant, and within the hour he spent visiting Hanbin before bringing him to settle his documents, she had busied herself with the task of filing the patient’s records into one of the ring files on the shelf in the corner of the room. Running his fingers over the tag on the side of the file which had Hanbin’s name written on it in black permanent marker, he smiles to himself for a few seconds before pulling it off the shelf. Flipping through the file, he notes their first meeting and how stifling it felt to just stand next to this aloof soul – and he loves how it progressed into stupidity at dawn and speaking at ease with puns and inside jokes. He remembers how Hanbin would curl into a ball in the corner of the room and do nothing but stare out of the window with his book left opened on his lap – and how he ended up making an escapade to his office in slippers. He remembers how Hanbin refused to have his meals and ignored contact, and how he ended up gulping his meals down within five minutes and making jokes with Jin and eventually smiling and greeting other staff. The progress was always what made being a doctor worthwhile, and for a second he forgot about his worries with regards to the limitations of what he could do – he no longer felt trapped within boundaries because being able to help patients was heaven at its best. Flipping to the family particulars page, he sighs and presses the buttons on the telephone with hesitation.

“Hello?” The lady on the other end picks up the phone with a tinge of uncertainty in her voice.

“I’m Dr Kim Jinhwan from the hospital, and I would like to inform you that you son has been discharged today. He has improved greatly and he’ll be shifting into his apartment tonight.”

“That’s nice to hear.” She speaks in a bare whisper, and Jinhwan can hear the excited squeals of a young girl in the background. The sound of plastic against marble ensues, and Hanbin’s mother gasps before the sound of her putting the phone on the table is heard. A few minutes pass before she returns.

“I understand that your family is currently going under a difficult period, and his sister is growing up so it’ll be hard on you. As much as I can ensure that Hanbin will be safe, I have to reiterate the fact that his steady recovery was partially because of the two of you – the thought of being able to return to society and be a useful family member is often one of the most crucial factors that push patients towards a speedy recovery, so I do hope that even if you aren’t living together, giving him the allowance of weekly visits as a bare minimum would be ideal.”

“Sure. I can agree to that.” She replies quickly and takes a deep breath after, “I’m sorry I’m really busy at the moment.” Her voice is husky and controlled and its clear that she’s hasty – she’s in a rush to end the conversation before she loses herself in the swamp of emotions that she is wading in.

“I understand.” Jinhwan replies and puts the phone down. Leaning into his chair, he places his hand on his forehead and watches a pen spinning in his own right hand before taking a deep breath which ends in a wide grin as he leans forward once again to reach for the phone.

“Discount Doctor Bobby, would you like to head over to my apartment tonight for a little catch-up session.” Jinhwan taunts as he lets his chin rest on top of his left hand, causing him to sit up really straight as his feet tap the ground melodically.

“Sure, though I don’t know what occasion this is.” Bobby’s husky voice resounds around the quiet office.

“You’re getting excited aren’t you, your voice is pretty loud buddy,” Jinhwan laughs, “You’ll see tonight.”

-

captain’s log / 020115 6PM

With his bag hanging off his narrow shoulders, Jinhwan hangs his coat on the coat stand before dusting it lightly. He’d be back the next day faced with a new patient, but he knows that he’d be more open-minded and daring – because he’s found his new reason for spending days shuttling between two rooms which were far apart. Shuffling slightly in his sneakers, he then closes the door behind him before rushing towards the waiting area. As he approaches the waiting area, his lips curl promptly as he sees Hanbin curled up into a ball as his legs hover above the surface of the cushioned seat. His phone is lodged to his leg firmly by his right hand and earphones are placed snugly in his ears – and despite the normality of this scene in the busy indifferent city, Jinhwan adores how Hanbin seems so normal, it feels as though his youth is finally reigning over the worries which used to weigh him down like rusty anchors out at sea; and perhaps he’d take partial credit for being a little buoy to bring him back up to take a breath of fresh air.

Smiling at Jin, the doctor makes his way towards the eighteen-year old boy and pauses in front of him, “We’re good to go.”

“Alright then,” Hanbin smiles widely and lets his feet fall to the ground as he picks his phone up and stands up quickly with his feet pushing him upwards, and in one swift motion his arm lands around the older boy’s narrow shoulders, “Jinhwan. Since you’re no longer my doctor, I’ll drop the formalities, I assume that’s alright?”

Just as Hanbin began to lean closer, Jinhwan coughs softly and squirms out of his headlock, “We’re still in the hospital, hence you’re the patient until we get out of this building. Now lets get going shall we?” With hurried steps, Jinhwan shuffles towards the lift landing, ignoring the snickers coming from behind the counter. His concentration is fixated on the manner in which his stained shoelaces are flopping about as he swings his feet about impatiently, ignoring the increased pace of the boy’s light footsteps from behind him. He finally comes to a halt when his finger comes in contact with the icy surface of the button, and he hears a soft groan resound from behind, “Was there a need to walk that quickly?”

Jinhwan tries his best to keep a straight face as he lets out a deep breath and runs his hand down the back of his neck repeatedly before nodding. Hanbin smirks playfully and decides that he’d stop pestering Jinhwan until awhile later – as much as he felt the need to tease the older boy, he didn’t want to bring it too far. They walk towards another building, turning in corridors with different colours donning the tiles on the floor and the heavy stench of ironically crisp and light air-freshener is the only indication that serves to remind Hanbin that they’re still in the hospital and he’s terribly lost. Following behind Jinhwan, he quietly settles for observing the manner in which his shoulders bounce slightly which each step he takes – and he remembers dreaming of the butterfly resting on them; and he’s reminded of the peach line that was still, at that moment, curled around his wrist. And perhaps after half an hour of walking, Jinhwan’s feet come together in a halt and Hanbin pauses at a distance. Knocking on the door, Jinhwan pushes the white door open and beckons for Hanbin to enter.

“Discount doctor buddy!” A husky voice calls from in the room as Jinhwan walks in and as Bobby sees the unfamiliar face, he grins widely, his eyes forming two curled lines as he stands up, “Nice to meet you, line boy.”

“Line boy-” Jinhwan distorts his face into a picture of disgust as Bobby merely laughs playfully.

“I’m Hanbin, nice to meet you.” Hanbin smiles faintly, a little confused as to the reasons why Jinhwan had decided to bring him to visit this doctor who apparently took care of children. Turning towards Jinhwan, the older boy motions for him to hold on and Hanbin simply nods – he listens to him instinctively, and he wonders if it has something to do with him being his doctor once.

“You’ve met him, now can we get going?” Jinhwan speaks in a half whining voice as he places his hands in his pockets and wiggles slightly, this gains a series of guffaws from the male behind the table as he nods hysterically and gets up to remove his coat. Hanging it messily on the chair, he then picks his bag up from the corner of the room and follows the two other boys out of the room.

-

The ride home consists of Hanbin leaning against Jinhwan’s shoulder, intentionally or unintentionally, as he falls asleep and Bobby snickering cheekily from the seat behind them as the bus drones on along the quiet evening street. Its interesting how the bus is relatively empty this evening and watching the city go by as the citylight become mere streaks of neon makes Jinhwan realize how long its been since he last went home. Sniffing softly, he turns over to watch the younger boy sleep with an evident curl on the corner of his lips, and he smiles – and reaches for his hand. They lock fingers, and Jinhwan begins to suspect that Hanbin wasn’t really sleeping.

The bus pulls into the last stop and its their cue to alight. Jinhwan tugs on the younger boy’s hand lightly as he watches him open his eyes and look about in a daze, and as they stand up Jinhwan nearly falls over as he sees Bobby asleep with his mouth wide open. Slapping the doctor’s lap hard with a roll of newspaper, Bobby jolts awake and smiles sheepishly before grabbing his belongings and rushing towards the exit. The three boys stand on the empty street at eight at night, and the wind is oddly chilly – Hanbin sniffs and reaches for the sweater tied around his waist as he flips it on in one smooth motion. Jinhwan blinks at him and laughs lightly before reaching out to ruffle his hair which peeked out from beneath his cap – and this gained yet another squeal from Bobby, their self-proclaimed shipper, which Jinhwan would never admit to enjoying. As they enter the air-conditioned lobby, Jinhwan sighs and greets the guard with a curt smile and proceeds to press the button. After a silent lift ride, they reach Jinhwan’s unit, and he shudders mildly at the lack of his sister’s favourite pair of sandals lying neatly outside the house – but he shakes it off quickly and places his sneakers at that exact spot before pushing the door open. Reaching for the light switch instinctively, the lights turn on to reveal his neat serviced apartment. Bobby hurries towards the kitchen and flicks the refrigerator open only to groan at its emptiness. Jinhwan shakes his head and reaches over to tug on Hanbin’s hand, pulling him in quickly.

“Here, this is your room from now on.” Pushing the door to the second room open, Jinhwan pushes Hanbin in lightly. Hanbin takes cautious steps as he enters the neat room and gazes in awe at how everything seems to be in perfect order – there are no newspapers strewn across the floor, neither are there wires connecting to different appliances everywhere; everything seemed entirely different from the place he used to call home and he loves this environment. Placing his haversack on the floor next to the table, he runs his fingers over the dust-free tabletop and pats the lamp sitting on the right corner of the desk. Jinhwan grins as he leans against the door frame and watches Hanbin acquaint himself with the room. He can sense his happiness, and it rubs off on him – unknowingly, he begins to smile vibrantly, “Do you like it?”

“Of course I do,” Hanbin turns around quickly and walks towards Jinhwan, “I actually love it. Thank you.”

“No problem.” The shorter male smiles and reaches over to pat his shoulder, trying his best to ignore the striking height gap. Hanbin seems to notice the slight twitch in Jinhwan’s expression and grins sheepishly, smoothening the hair on the back of his neck and adjusting his cap awkwardly.

“I keep feeling like I’m doing something I shouldn’t be doing,” Bobby’s voice reverberates through the small apartment, “I shouldn’t be shining this brightly, as a little light bulb between you two.”

“Aw Bobby.” Jinhwan cooes as he chuckles and drags Hanbin out to the living room.

“I should get going though,” Bobby scoffs as he picks his bag up, “My babe’s waiting at home for me, can’t let her wait you know.”

“Right, your babe.” Jinhwan rolls his eyes as he remembers that Bobby treasures his pug greatly and rushes home after work just to take care of her. She’s under his brother’s care in the morning but he never really trusts his brother enough to leave his pug alone with him at home for the entire day.

“Have fun you two.” Bobby chuckles once again as he shoots a wink at the two of them before hurrying down the dim corridor. Jinhwan closes the door and leans against it as he gazes at Hanbin.

“Hungry?”

Hanbin nods and Jinhwan nearly melts at how confused Hanbin looks. He simply sits in the living room on the black carpet with his legs crossed as he looks about with a blank expression. Trudging towards the kitchen, Jinhwan reaches for the upper cabinet with his arms fully outstretched and he tiptoes lightly to pick the seafood instant noodles packet. He remembers that Hanbin always preferred the seafood menus when he was asked to decide on his meals for the month, and he now opens the seasoning packet, being careful to pour only three quarters of the enticing powder into the boiling water. As he drops the noodles in, he picks the wooden chopsticks up from the marble tabletop and splits them quickly before using them to stir the noodles gently – and he proceeds the crack eggs into the soup base before rinsing his hands and resuming to poke at the noodles with the chopsticks. Half a minute passes and he covers the pot with the cover, placing the chopsticks on the tabletop once again. He stands there with one arm placed on his hip as he watches the water boil excitedly from within the pot until he feels pressure on his shoulders, and tilting his head, he notices Hanbin standing behind him with his head resting against his shoulders. Jinhwan grins at the boy’s actions and stands still, his shoulders moving up and down periodically with his breathing. Toying around with the chopsticks lying on the tabletop, he blinks at the noodles and stiffens as he feels Hanbin’s arms wrap around his waist. He stifles a laugh and instead lets out a soft squeal.

“It tickles.” Jinhwan laughs as he turns backwards to face Hanbin.

“Does it really?” The taller boy chuckles and proceeds to wiggle his fingers, tickling Jinhwan on his sides as the said boy squirms helplessly, falling entirely into Hanbin’s arms. He eventually turns around and ends up wrapping his arms around the younger boy’s waist.

“Its really disconcerting that even though I’m older I’m this much shorter. But that’s not the point, point is I’m glad, I’m really glad that you’re doing better. I’m really glad that you’re starting to find yourself, that you’re getting happier, that there aren’t unnecessary anchors chained to your worn ankles. And above all, I’m blessed to be able to witness this change.” Jinhwan mutters as he clings to the boy’s thin frame. Hanbin is slightly taken aback at his sudden actions but he soon melts into pure euphoria and returns the hug.

“I’m blessed to have been put together by your presence – your disquietude with regards to my condition, your endless list of irritants, your mere presence being an anti-depressant; I couldn’t have ever asked for more, as hackneyed as it may sound.”

“Oh I forgot to tell you about something – I spoke to your mother earlier in the morning, she agreed to let you visit your sister weekly.”

“Really?” Jinhwan loves how Hanbin’s expression brightened instantly as he pulled away to face him.

“Really really.”

“God, that’s just-” Hanbin gasps as he laughs genuinely, his smile raw with his lips curled at all the right angles, and he becomes incoherent, teeming with vibrancy and sunshine hues brighter than the peach hues which encircle his wrist – and this is exactly what Jinhwan would’ve dreamt of. A blotch of pastel amongst the greyest of skies, a beautiful contour of expressions amongst moulds reduced to ashes, a stream teeming with zest amongst the silence of the night.

“I need to cook, Hanbin.” Jinhwan chuckles as he squirms out of the boy’s embrace and pours the noodles out into two bowls before bringing it to the once empty dining table, settling the cutlery down.

The two figures huddle over the warmth emanating from the instant noodles in the chilly night, and bask in the mellowness of solace and ataraxia they had both found within the company of each other. 

AN: and i'm done. i'll reply to comments and such tomorrow, thanks for sticking around!