captain’s log / day after christmas 10AM

Its just two words, yet Jinhwan sits still in his chair with his confused gaze locked with his patient’s eyes which were gleaming with amusement. Jinhwan simply found it difficult to digest the fact that despite attempts to cure his patient of his repeated nightmares and sleepless nights which nearly left him devoid of emotion amongst the vibrancy of the pastel canvas of sentimentality, he was in fact the one who had caused the problems – and could potentially solve the problem.

“Wait but how could you have dreamt of me,” Jinhwan chokes slightly at the last word, “when I only met you during Christmas last year. Have we met?”

“Perhaps.” Hanbin mutters and Jinhwan breathes in heavily. He finds himself shuffling awkwardly on the spot and begins rubbing his hands together because they’ve become too cold. Hanbin chuckles at his doctor’s discomfort and proceeds to lean against the bed frame quietly. He stretches his legs out and lets out a long sigh.

“Wait hold up I-I’ll be back in the afternoon.” Hanbin merely watches in amusement as Jinhwan struggles to get off his chair without dropping his pen and blinks awkwardly at the floor while making his hasty escape. The peach line connecting them both is of a greater saturation as though its become a sweeter colour and Hanbin can only smile at the hues against the pale pink tiles of the hospital floor – and sort his feelings out piece by piece.

As Jinhwan rounds the corner towards his office, he nearly bumps into Jin and groans audibly. Jin then frowns and observes his facial expressions with caution before hugging the clipboard which lay loosely in her hands, “Are you alright, Doctor?” She’s never seen him this flustered, and the fact that his cheeks were accoutred with a thin sheet of vermeil tinted fabric worried her slightly. Yet she doesn’t get the reply which she wants and Jinhwan hobbles past her quietly, leaving behind the light scent of rose cologne. As he enters his office, he lets himself plonk onto his swirling chair as usual, and reaches for the phone on the corner of the table. Dialling numbers with his eyes closed, he brings the phone to his left ear and shuts his eyes, letting his head rest against his right fist. The man on the other end answers the phone, and the hint of joviality in his husky voice makes Jinhwan’s lips curl slightly on one end.

“Jinhwan! Is anything the matter? I’m quite busy, discount doctor.”

“Who’s the discount doctor here, Dr Kim Jiwon who takes care of little children.” Jinhwan speaks in a whiny voice and lets out a soft chuckle at the end of the sentence. Jinhwan’s been childhood friends with Bobby for as long as he can remember and he still recalls the days where the two of them studied under the candlelight together on the porch fondly.

“It’s still you man, I don’t care,” Bobby guffaws loudly and comes to a halt suddenly, “No but why’re you calling me? Is it the line boy?” Jinhwan nearly chokes at Bobby’s question as he recalls that night where he had spilled all of his concerns out to his fellow doctor when he was half asleep.

“Yeah. It turns out that the boy in his dreams was me and I don’t understand how that works.”

“Plot twist. But first, does he still have nightmares?”

“Well that, no-”

“You do notice that this means that he’s perfectly fine to be discharged, right?” Jinhwan stills as he hears this statement and shudders.

“Right. But I still need to try to understand this entire issue, like why I’m in his dream and all- And he might not be entirely cured. I really want him to be well again, like a complete jigsaw puzzle without even the most minute of flaws. He deserves a lot better than he’s going through and it just isn’t fair at times.”

“Woah there,” Bobby gasps loudly and Jinhwan feels his cheeks heating up, “You sure are doing a lot for him. You do notice that you’ve never shown such interest and concern in your patients and their recovery. You always set your goals at the beginning, and you’d stop once you reached it – you were the one who used to claim that extra hindrance might cause relapses or something like that.”

“But-” Jinhwan tries to defend himself but he finds himself stuttering and choking on his own words.

“Let’s simplify things. Let’s leave the entire question as to why you’re in his dream out of the picture for a second and begin from your endless worries and wishes for him to get well. I’ve known you for long enough to know things about you, its been decades and it definitely isn’t exaggeration for me to state that I know you inside out, and that understanding is definitely mutual. I’ve got to put it out there - you’re showing much more concern for this boy than you’ve ever shown to any other individual who entered your office. And I haven’t even mentioned the things you blabbered to me that night when you were drunk over the fact that your sister was leaving – I mean, drunk over a lack of sleep.”

“What did I mention, I don’t remember.” Jinhwan pats his cheek and frowns at how warm it is.

“Things that went way past care for a patient, things which I had never heard you use to describe another individual. Things which went along perfectly well with the concept of endearment, commitment and friendship. Now I’m keeping things as subtle as possible, but I trust that you’ll work things out. This conversation has been so cringe worthy, Jinhwan you owe me one. I haven’t said spoke of such raw emotions before over the phone…” Bobby’s whines aren’t heard by the older doctor as he merely holds the phone against his ear without digesting any of the boy’s words. The last thing he hears is a goodbye and he lets the phone slip out of his hands, and he anticipates the thud but he remembers that there’s a coil connecting the phone to the dial pad.

“Endearment.” Jinhwan chews on the manner in which the syllables slip off his tongue, “It sure does feel like it.”

captain’s log / new year’s day 03:45

Jinhwan wakes up to a series of soft knocks on the door of his office and frowns as he peels his face off the stack of papers on his desk. Pushing himself back up, he rubs his eyes and squints at the clock, which read 4am. Reaching for the doorknob, he twists it to one side lightly to unlock it and pulls it open.

“Happy New Year.” Jinhwan nearly flinches as he watches Hanbin stand before him with slippers which barely contained his feet properly. He tilts his head to one side and blinks repeatedly, his head barely working. Rubbing the back of his neck softly, the frown on his forehead unfolds itself and he lets out a deep breath.

“Happy New Year, Hanbin.” He smiles and moves back, motioning for the patient to enter, “Would you like to have a seat?”

“Sure.” Hanbin drags his feet and makes soft sounds of rubber dragging against the white tiles on the ground before plonking down on one of the chairs. Jinhwan closes the door and runs his trembling fingers through his hair and regains his consciousness entirely before returning to his perch. Facing Hanbin, he notes how the boy’s hair is oddly messy and the dark circles which used to don the bottom of his lifeless eyes had dissipated, giving justice to his light brown pupils.

“What brings you all the way here this late, you could have gotten Jin to call me over if there was anything urgent.”

“I didn’t want to give her more problems, its pretty late for someone who doesn’t have odd sleep patterns. And being a nurse seems extremely taxing, so I thought giving her ample rest would’ve been the best thing to do.”

“That’s really sweet of you.” Jinhwan chuckles and reaches out to flick his forehead softly before retracting quickly with hesitation. He suddenly remembers his conversations with Bobby and gets a little flustered, “But since you’re here I should break the good news to you. In view of your huge progress and all, I discussed it with Jin earlier yesterday and we decided that you’re good to be discharged and you should be able to do well without worries. Over the past year you’ve regained your appetite, your sense of emotions through being able to write in peace, and you’ve begun to talk to us. Even the nurses who used to get awkward because of your aloofness have given us feedback that you’ve become much bubblier and you’re starting to greet them. It’s a huge improvement and although I’m not sure about the catalyst which caused such a huge driving force to make a change, its definitely commendable.”

“I know what my catalyst is though.” Hanbin blinks at the peach line connecting the two of them in contrast to the black leather files on the table and smiles slightly.

“Oh, you do- Would you mind sharing it?”

“That aside, do you believe in soulmates or destiny?” Hanbin evades the question and smiles at Jinhwan softly.

“I, kind of. Though I wouldn’t know if these things worked before my eyes. I’m quite careless and all, and I tend to be clueless about things which do not give me definite directions.”

“Unless you see lines like I do.” Hanbin’s reply gains laughter from Jinhwan, and Hanbin watches the said boy nod with a grin, “I believe that my catalyst was the fact that I found my soulmate, or at least someone who gives me the inspiration to write. Calling him a soulmate sounds oddly cliché and juvenile, but it’s the most apt.”

Jinhwan squirms in his seat and rubs his sweaty palms together, groaning internally in disgust at his habit.

“I feel this strong endearment towards this individual, and as much as it pushed my recovery forward it makes me feel especially vulnerable.”

“Oh.” Jinhwan’s voice is soft and he wavers evidently.

“Perhaps the vulnerability comes from how these peach hues could get stained easily, from how he’s like pastel amongst the greyest of skies and he’s susceptible to pollution because of the weight of responsibilities and the presence of obstacles which show him his inabilities. Perhaps its because he deserves much more than he’s confined to, and he should be given ample space for discovering the things which he has interest in.”

Jinhwan frowns at the familiarity of his descriptions.

“Perhaps its because he’s a doctor but he has his own flaws – and the patient is clearly aware of these loopholes. And he’s been trying to find ways to patch these apertures up with the finest of words; and he’s been trying to weave a patched-up quilt for the person who’s supposed to be doing the same for him.”

“Wait.”

“You’re my catalyst, unfortunately – or fortunately.”

Jinhwan is overwhelmed, and he’s trying hard to process the boy’s words but his mind isn’t listening- and he only hears the whirs from the air-conditioning unit above him and the sound of a pen knocking against the glass table top as it began to lose its equilibrium while trying to balance on his trembling finger. He looks up to meet Hanbin’s gaze and frowns.

“Your vulnerable side is acting up again.” Hanbin’s taunts, but Jinhwan is too focused on trying to comprehend every word which left the boy’s slightly parted lips. He brings his finger up to his own lips and begins to peel at the dry skin, a little habit which he had had since young – being nervous and disconcerted sent his fingers up to his dry lips and he’d scratch its rough surface. The two individuals sit in silence for close to an hour and Jinhwan finds his strength to speak. He shifts and props himself up with his elbows.

“I’m not sure about what I’m supposed to say right now in response but I’ll just put it out there. I’ve been told that I’ve worried about you to a much larger extent as compared to my previous patients, and I admit to that. Similarly, I’ve often found myself putting in extra effort just to see a little curl on one end of your lips, I’ve found myself lying in this office before dawn thinking of the song you wrote me on my birthday. Watching you sleep with a deep frown creased over your forehead made me infuriated because I always felt like you were someone who deserved much more, you deserved to be given the chance to pursue a career in music or writing, you were supposed to be blessed with the presence of a supportive family who’d allow you and your sister to meet on a daily or even hourly basis – you’re worth much more than what you’re getting currently, you’re a picture of finesse with a tint of authenticity and warmth and that’s extremely rare. I’ve never felt such strong attachments to any patient, and perhaps I’d admit that its all part of genuine endearment. But that isn’t something that I’m supposed to do, given that I’m afterall still your doctor.” Jinhwan pauses as he tries to keep a straight face, eyeing Hanbin’s facial expressions quietly as he took his time enunciating each and every syllable clearly.

“I’m getting discharged tomorrow, Jinhwan.” Hanbin replies with a smirk and Jinhwan can only return the smile, and he gradually laughs.

“You’re really sneaky aren’t you.” Hanbin simply shrugs and smiles smugly before pushing himself off the chair and letting out a yawn.

“I’ll see you tomorrow, ready to be set free into the wilderness of this chilly concrete jungle.”

“Goodnight, sleep well.” Jinhwan smiles widely and watches his patient shuffle out of the room, listening to the manner in which the sound of his slippers gradually dissociated into silence.

“He’s such an anti-depressant in so many ways, how to not love.”

-

Hanbin drags himself towards the ward and crawls under the blankets quietly. Lying against the bed frame, he smiles at the peach line which twirled itself around his wrist. He's found his soulmate, as juvenile as it sounded. And he's no longer alone. 

AN: oh god guys. y'all spammed me with comments today and it really made my day :')  i apologise for this chapter being exceptionally long because it didn't feel write to separate them. stay tuned though! because i apologise for worrying y'all and making you guys think this was the last chapter because guess what!! there's one more chapter!! :-) because i couldn't complete some portions in this chapter since it'd be too heavy content-wise. thanks, and i love you guys for supporting me and giving me the inspiration to carry on with this fic. one last chapter coming up within the next 3 days, look forward to it!! ;-)