I winced, trying to take a breath properly through the dress. The designer assistant kept observing me, waiting for any kind of remarks. His boss was waiting for any report from him, I knew. I loved the dress, but I couldn’t hide my unpleasant expression as I look back at my reflection on the mirror. He saw that, apparently. 

“Is it uncomfortable?”

I nodded. “I think it’s a little too tight around the chest.”

It's weird. The designer had measured me before the dress was even made, and I was pretty sure I neither had gain nor lose weight. Or maybe, deep down, I was not ready to wear this beautiful dress.

“Okay, I’ll adjust the chest for you, Miss Lee.” The assistant then measured my chest again before excusing himself to make a phone call to the designer.

“Your s are getting bigger? What does that byuntae do to you to make that possible?”

I looked through the mirror and saw that Jessica was eyeing my chest. Hadn’t she already had a nice pair herself? Or maybe…she wanted bigger ones? “Stop eyeing my s, you byun. Look at yours instead.”

“Well, it’s something new to see,” she said with a shrug. I swear, that girl had always been curious about my body. Couldn’t really blame her, though.

“Nonsense, you’ve seen me .” And took photos with her phone. I was pretty sure she still had them, although the existence of the said phone was questionable. I gave her a judging look as she lazily walked to the sofa behind me.

“Anyway, s aside, are you happy with the dress?”

I turned my attention to the mirror, observing the dress I was wearing. It was really simple – long and white silk wedding dress. It only had some sort of brooch effect under my left chest so it gave a nice outline of my body. Not to mention the fabric was really soft – making it really comfortable to wear – and flowed beautifully when I walk.

I personally wanted a short, tight-fitting dress to make my body looked longer but Taeyeon was against it. She doesn’t like it when people are ogling on my legs. At first it was really hard to find the dress that I wanted and Taeyeon approved. But then Jessica offered me to meet one of her designer friend, who's a famous wedding dress designer. The three of us met a couple months ago, and long story short, I was offered an exclusive design. I immediately went for it, of course, and so did Taeyeon. 

“Yeah, I think so.”

“You think so?”

“Yeah.” 

Someone once said that you have to fit yourself into your wedding dress, and not the other way around. For me now, it was more like me trying to fit into the fact that in a month I would be marrying my girlfriend. That fact aside, they really needed to adjust the chest. I could barely breathe properly! I had better change before I faint from lack of oxygen.

“What are you thinking about? Did something happen?”

From inside the changing room, I heard Sica asked me when I just buttoned up my shirt and was reaching for my jeans-cutoff shorts. I bit my lower lip, thinking whether I should tell Jessica about my worry. Would she be angry? Or worse, would she tell Taeyeon about it?

“Soonkyu?”

After zipping my shorts, I opened the door to the changing room, only to meet Sica’s stoic expression. “First you have to promise that Taeyeon will never know about this,” I stressed. 

She shrugged and said “I promise.” I know she looked cold and nonchalant, but that’s just how the Jungs looked. I meet her parents every once in a while, and trust me when I say that they’re very nice people.

Anyway, I strode to the door of the VIP fitting room and closed it to get our privacy. After that I walked to the chilled champagne beside the sofa. So much for cutting on the alcohol Soonkyu.

“None for me please,” Jessica said when she saw me pouring into two glasses. 

I eyed her in confusion. Did I hear it right? Jessica Jung refused a glass of champagne? “Who says it’s for you? Both are for me. And since when did you stop drinking anyway?” 

Jessica used to be my drinking buddy at the dorm. Well, Tiffany was a better drinker, but I enjoyed her company too. She loved champagne, so I found it weird that she’s rejecting the champagne before I even offered it to her.

“Enough about me, we’re talking about you now,” she said before leaning back to the sofa.

If I wanted to come clean to the Ice Princess, I’d need a bit of alcohol in my system. So I took one glass and drunk it in one shot, feeling the crisp coldness in my throat. Hmmm, I felt better already. “It’s just…some second thoughts,” I said, taking a seat beside her.

“Meaning?”

“Meaning, I’m not sure if accepting Taeyeon’s proposal was the right action in the first place,” I observed the bubbly drink in my hand. It reminded me of the night I spent in Vegas with Taeyeon a few years before when we just started dating. We were enjoying our newfound ‘freedom’ then, after decided to disband the group. It was a bittersweet feeling, but I was glad I had Taeyeon there with me.

Jessica scooted her position so that she was facing me. Here we go. “What’s there to think about? You both were dating for years, you both have more than enough incomes to raise ten babies and educate them through college, and she loves you. People would die to have someone like that to marry.”

“Yes, but is it ever enough? Is dating for years and knowing everything about them enough? We’re both more than ready financially – and there’s no doubt that I love her and vice versa – but are we ready for marriage?”

“She’s ready, that’s why she proposed.”

“In the middle of !” Yeah, she proposed during . Not before, not after. You gotta give it to her; she really lived up to her title.

Jessica went wide-eyed at the mention of that she scooted away from me and put her hands up in defeat. “TMI. I don’t want to know the details of that.”

It was kinda funny seeing her get weirded out about Taeyeon and I, but even that couldn’t take my mind off of the matter we were talking about. I sighed at the thought of Taeyeon, and what could happen if I decided to go on with this wedding. “What I’m saying is, I’m not sure whether we should get married. We were happy for years, why get married?”

I brought the glass to my lips and slowly drunk the bubbly liquid. From my peripheral vision, I could see Jessica observing me, as if there was anything to observe in the first place.

“I see what’s going on here.”

“What?”

“You’re afraid of commitment.”

I turned my head towards her, face scrunched up from the sudden ‘accusation’. At least that’s what I was trying to make it look like. “Whaaat? No I'm not!”

“Yes, you are. You’re afraid if you’ll find someone better after you get married.”

“No, I’m not…”

If I could be honest, what Sica said was sort of right. It might be the reason why I got so flustered with only the thought of marrying Taeyeon. I glanced at her and she got her I’m-judging-you look on me. I sigh, thinking that it’s pointless at this point to deny anything. We know each other so well! 

“Alright, fine. Yes, I’m a little worried that one of us will be unfaithful once we get married.”

“You never cheated while you dated Taeyeon, and neither did she.”

“Well…” If I can be completely honest, I had a bit of fun with some guys when I was still dating Taeyeon. Nothing too serious there; just spending time drinking with them, and I might have kissed a couple of them in the process. I didn’t tell Taeyeon of course, since it’s my action and responsibility. Being completely honest with her will only hurt her, and I don’t want that. Fortunately, the guys I kissed keep their end of the deal. No scandal whatsoever during my active years as SNSD member, other than that lame scandal Super Junior oppas made about me and Sungmin-oppa. 

In a second there, I could see Jessica’s face changed. Did she know that I did something in the past that could hurt Taeyeon? I could see that she was trying to keep a stoic expression, although her disappointment could still be seen. “So you did. Or did she?”

“No!” I immediately stood and paced the room, denying her. I don’t want anybody else to know about my past escapades, not even Sica. “As far as I know, Taeyeon has been faithful to me, despite her title of being a playgirl during her younger years. And I’ve never dated anyone…after ‘him’.”

Of course, I didn’t really know for sure if Taeyeon had been faithful or not. But I trust her, and there was no problem whatsoever when we were dating. And about my ex-boyfriend…well let’s just say that he hurt me a lot in the past, and I was really disappointed that someone I trusted so much could stab me like that. 

After that unfortunate thing happened – contrary to the popular belief – I still have my interest in boys. Yet, since then Taeyeon had been the only person I could be completely comfortable with. I might still be interested but Taeyeon was the one I fell in love with despite all that. I could never love anyone as much as I love her, but I was afraid that marriage will change that.

“Then what’s the problem?”

I sigh, thinking of a way to tell her what had been bothering me these past few weeks. “We’re going to be living in the same house, Sica.”

“I doubt it; you both are very busy.”

I glared at her. How could she still be sarcastic about this? “The point is,” I paused, composing myself before continuing, “We’re going to be spending the remaining days of our lives together. What if we get bored? What if we get sick of each other’s company?”

Sica didn’t give any answer – not that I needed any in the first place. Instead, she kept eyeing me, observing my actions as I finished my glass and walked to the bottle to have another. When I sat back down, however, Sica asked me another question.

“In years of being roommates with her, have you ever feel bored of her?”

“No.” It was an honest answer, and I didn’t need to think twice about it. Never have I thought about choosing another roommate after Taeyeon and I shared a room. Granted, there was a time when we decided to sleep in separate rooms, but that was because there were so many vacant rooms after some of the girls got a place of their own near the dorm. Every once in a while, I still sneaked into Taeyeon’s room to snuggle into her on nights when it was raining heavily and thunders clapped, triggering my trauma of loud noises. It was also the reason why I started to love rains; I can have a good reason to be close to her.

“Have you ever thought of leaving her and getting your own apartment?”

“Oh God, no.”

When we were still living in the dorm, my parents and some of my friends asked me why I didn’t buy an apartment. They said it’s a good investment for my future, and I could have my own personal space. However, I hated the thought of getting distant to Taeyeon. I hated nights when I had to sleep alone without her in the dorm. I hated it when she had a schedule abroad, without me. I hated it when we were so busy that we didn’t have time to call or text each other properly. 

“Okay. Next question: why do you love Taengoo?”

My mind wandered, about every little thing; when Taeyeon smiles, when she laughs until she cries, when she has a lot on her mind, her shy expression the first time she saw me , her sleeping habits, and when she tries to act tough but still cries when I hug her.

“Because… it’s Taengoo.”

Sica smiled and I could see that she’s content with my short answer. I smiled at the thought before adding, “It’s the way she takes care of me, her family, and her friends more than her own well-being. The way she sings with every ounce of emotion she has in her, the way she laughs, the funny way she sleeps, her strange interest to skulls and skeleton, the way she looks at me as if I’m the only thing she sees… “

“Wait, we’re still talking about Taeyeon, right? Not some psychopath I don’t know about?” Sica interrupted.

“Hey.” I shot a menacing look at her, and she just laughed.

“Well that’s it. You clearly love her. Why is it still not enough?”

“Loving each other is not the only thing a couple needs before they get married, Sica.”

“Of course, but what else do you need before you’re ready for marriage?”

Again, I paused at Sica’s question. As much as I hated to admit it, I hadn’t been completely honest with her. Before I even thought about whether I should tell her the truth, my phone rang, snapping me back to reality. I mindlessly swiped on the Answer Call and put it on my ear.

“Hello?”

“Hey, where are you?”

The voice I heard on the other side of the line instantly made me smile. Ah, if only I could describe on how good she sounds on the phone. “I’m still fitting,” I said, fiddling on the seam of my shirt. Talking to her really makes me feel like a love-struck high-schooler again.

“Is there something wrong with the dress?”

“Just a little tight around the chest, but other than that, it’s perfect.”

“I see.” Taeyeon paused, and it reminds me whether she will still in Korea for a while or will go to LA soon. I miss my Taengoo. I really wanted to be there and greet her after finishing a long day of work, but I really had to stay and prepare the wedding. Not that I was really into it, but she wouldn’t want me to be there with her and left the wedding prep anyway.

“Did you let them touch your s?”

I sighed. Of course she had to ruin the moment with improper questions. Seriously, ByunTaengoo? “I’m fitting, Taengoo, of course they touched me.”

“Not as much as I touch you, I hope.”

Her voice was calm, but there was an apparent jealousy and possessiveness in it. Smirking, I thought of a way to a bit. “Well…it depends...”

“Yah!”

As expected, she exploded. She often accuses me as a flirt, but in my defense, I couldn’t help it if people are attracted to me. People love milkshakes, and apparently, mine could bring some into the yard. I giggled at the thought of her pouting in jealousy, changing the topic before we got into a ridiculous fight. “Are you in the car now?”

“Yeah. I think I’m gonna go now before I decide to go there and make sure your designer knows her boundaries.”

Oooh possessive! Don’t you just love it when one of the prettiest women in the world gets all possessive to you? I know I do. In fact, so much that I had to bite on my lower lip to prevent myself from bursting out laughing. “His. The assistant is a ‘he’.”

“I don’t friggin’ care if it’s a he or a she!”

Hah! She’s jealous and annoyed! Wasn’t my baby just the cutest thing? “Okay, okay,” I said after my laugh had subsided.

“Alright, I’m hanging up. I love you, baby.” 

Hmmm she was still a bit annoyed. Aw, if I were there, I would start kissing her to remind her that I’m hers. Maybe that would put out the fire a bit. Nevertheless, she’s all the way in Korea, so I could only say, “I love you, Taengoo.” and made a loud kissing sound before hanging up. Who knew, it might make her want to come to LA sooner. 

I glanced at Sica – for a minute there I totally forgot that she was here– and she’s shaking her head. What, I couldn’t be lovey-dovey to my fiancée?

“I don’t get why you’re having second thoughts. You’re obviously in love with her.”

I just shrugged, feigning ignorance.

If only I could tell you, Sica…that the thing I was most afraid of, was myself.

I was afraid that I’d get sick of Taeyeon and start looking for another. I was afraid that I couldn’t be unfaithful to the woman who had been nothing but faithful and loving to me. But most importantly, I was afraid that I couldn’t make her happy, because she makes me happy every day. I was afraid I couldn’t give her as much happiness, and she might look for another ‘Sunny’ to love… 

I love her, and she loves me, but…what if our marriage changes that? What if our marriage ends our bond? If such day ever comes, it would surely be the end of me as well.